I'm 70 and also have emphysema, NO WAY would I want to move in with my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, I want her to be happy and live her life. I was full time caregiver for my Mom, my Mom is now in a NH, and it's still hard. I will never do that to my child. When the time comes that I can't live alone, I want to go to a NH, not put my burden on my child. I love her too much for that.
Why would any parent want to live with their children in the first place is beyond me. What ever happened to wanting to be independent as long as a person is physically able? Your mom is only 5 years older than me, and the thought of having to put my son and his wife out by me living with them is ridiculous. Believe me, your mom is NOT the only parent that I've been reading about on this website that wants to live with their kids. She's still young enough to have a fulfilling life without having to have you do the fulfilling... I don't get it.
everyone, thank you for your support.... my mom has been upset with me lately, she said to me today, she doesn't believe the things i say. i am never in her corner, i always take other peoples side and i don't even know them. she can't believe i can be that way and how she can't believe she raised me to be like this. she said others have said i am strong and she is agrees. she said i will be fine.. i sad mom i don't like to see you upset and she says she is like that all the time. i asked her to talk to a therapist, she doesn't want to pay someone to tell her how bad her life has been. she won't take any other anxiety meds except zantax, which doesn't seem like it is enough. i have such a hard time moving on after she does this to me...she has me crying and upset. i started seeing a therapist and she said a phone call 2 times a week is fine. i can't believe i am mean like my mom says. i work in health care and feel like i am caring. my mom has no friends she goes out with and she is 62 years old. i always upset her, i am so lost how to help her.... she says i upset her...i think of her 24/7 and just don't know what to do for her... she lives in the past and talks about how hard her life has been.. i have to live in the present! help!
Your mom is giving you a guilt trip. They are real good at using it with their daughters. My mother uses it on me every day and it pisses me off, because it's just more selfishish and childish behavior that goes along with their brainwashing.
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
Marie, you used the "sharp as a tack" phrase which tome has always been a red flag. It usually means the person remembers and recognizes all familiar people and is generally oriented and can carry on a conversation. But, there is more to brain function than that. There is empathy and judgement and perspective taking. You did not despise her before this phase, which suggests to me she is not just a chronically needy selfish person. She is not happy because of her illness and what age and illness has taken away from her; she thinks you could fix that by being more devoted to her wants and needs. She's wrong of course; she would feel better if she could and would do even a little for herself, but has come to see herself as more helpless than she really is. So, you are not "raising" her, you are catering to her! Maybe too much - part of "raising" someone is doing for them only what they really cannot do for themselves, and enabling them to find ways of doing what they can. Illness, particularly chronic illness, does NOT mean you become entitled to be waited on like a princess or a queen the rest of your life, but that's what she is thinking.
Ask yourself this - if Mom did what she could and you did not feel guilty about not being able to absolutely everything for her, could life with her be good again? If not, then your brother has a point, and she would not be less happy than she is now by moving to assisted living, where she also might not feel as entitled to having everything done for her. Lots of people have some sense that they can't run a staff member ragged 24x7 but a son or daughter they see as owing it to them. You can't right now imagine it, because of the false guilt, but she and you might both be happier with her in assisted living, and she might not be entitled to have the deciding vote on it. But, if that is not what you want, and you thing you can change some things, then by all means set limits that make your life with mom not just tolerable but livable. Think outside the box of guilt you have been living in. I know that is easier said than done. And do realize that "self-absorbed" is a product of fear, illness, depression, and waning social and empathy skills. There may be medication and.or counseling that would help with that too.
I am a 48 year old woman with a 69 year old mother. I live in a rented two bedroom town home with my husband and 20 year old daughter. My parents moved across country 22 years ago because they wanted to be close to us. They have never been financially savvy so they rented in a subsided unit. My father had heart problems at 57yrs old and then got cancer and died. During that time my daughter was 5 yrs old and in part time kindergarten and day care. I worked part time and eventually gave up my job to help care for my dad when he became palliative. He died at 60 and my mom was 55 years old. I have never had an easy relationship with my mom but during that time it was very difficult and we lost our tempers frequently because my dad made all the decisions financially ( really bad decisions). He told me he was sorry that he never taught her anything but that her anxiety and ruminating constantly deterred him from talking to her. She gets angry very easily which was why I left home and never went back as soon as I left for school, which I worked almost full time hours to pay myself in order to be independent. At the same time my husband my dad was dying he was dealing with his mothers sickness and subsequent death at 64yrs old across the country. The toll of it all,including my mothers anger and needing to learn to live independently at 55 yrs old has been difficult. She doesn't drive and refuses now to even take transit now at 69 yrs old and in reasonable health. She has acted 80 most of the time she has been widowed, with me taking her shopping every week to get groceries and liquor and going to her non urgent doctor visits, which she insists I go in with her for. Over the years we have not always treated each other with due respect, but I am working on it. I went back and upgraded my degree so I could get a better job at 45 yrs old and now I have a career. My mom has decided she needs to live with me because they are phasing out her subsidized housing and the housing market is becoming out of reach to buy and rental unit availability is 1 percent vacancy.. I can not see her on the streets, but having her living with me would be almost intolerable. Even if we got another unit with three bedrooms they are tiny and have 30 steps. The only bathroom even has steps up and down to it, which could be problematic for even my husband and I in the future. Mom is use to having things her own way and I know it would take a toll on my health and marriage. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
I am so delighted that I found this page. It is dreadfully hard when one is put under such pressure, is manipulated and made to feel selfish and uncaring. My mother started putting the screws on me almost as soon as I got married. Every time she hinted at it my stomach would clench with anxiety. She has no notion of boundaries or the idea of a couple needing to be alone (even to have a row). We managed to get her a really lovely flat 10 mins away from me and my sister. she now refers to it as the 'kip' & has relaunched her campaign. When she comes to see us on Weds & Suns we make a big effort to make them lovely days with her favourite meals and movies....but as someone once said 'no good deed goes unpunished'. This has backfired and , I know she wants this permanently - I can see the cogs working in her mind. Surprise, surprise she is certainly a narcissistic personality - our childhoods were h*ll. We are still all reeling from the effects but she has clung to this notion of 'motherhood' which overrides all the cruelty and madness inflicted on her children. I have been hospitalized a number of times because of it. Now I have a lovely home with a man I have loved for 25 years and a wonderful 12 year old daughter. I don't think she can stand it....who am I to have all this??? Anyway the pressure continues. I have never been capable of standing up to her because of her violent temper - if I merely touch on the subject of it she gets angry .( why would I want to live with YOU?) In fine, she has no respect for me but desperately wants what I have. To all you suffering daughters out there don't let yourselves be worn down. You are not obliged to wreck your life for the sake of any other person. Please stay strong. Mary
Sounds like she needs a boyfriend...see what you can do....She's young...She needs to continue to have her own life. You cannot save a person from themselves.
Oh dear God. You couldn't have got her a lovely flat 10 hours from you instead?
One of my SIL's moved 10,000 miles away from my MIL (literally, I mean - she went to Australia). The other, like you, is holding out from ten minutes away thanks to a lovely husband and adamant ground rules. But don't underestimate the strain of keeping those barriers in place.
Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, I want her to be happy and live her life.
I was full time caregiver for my Mom, my Mom is now in a NH, and it's still hard.
I will never do that to my child.
When the time comes that I can't live alone, I want to go to a NH, not put my burden on my child.
I love her too much for that.
thank you for your support....
my mom has been upset with me lately, she said to me today, she doesn't believe the things i say. i am never in her corner, i always take other peoples side and i don't even know them. she can't believe i can be that way and how she can't believe she raised me to be like this. she said others have said i am strong and she is agrees. she said i will be fine..
i sad mom i don't like to see you upset and she says she is like that all the time.
i asked her to talk to a therapist, she doesn't want to pay someone to tell her how bad her life has been. she won't take any other anxiety meds except zantax, which doesn't seem like it is enough.
i have such a hard time moving on after she does this to me...she has me crying and upset. i started seeing a therapist and she said a phone call 2 times a week is fine.
i can't believe i am mean like my mom says. i work in health care and feel like i am caring. my mom has no friends she goes out with and she is 62 years old. i always upset her, i am so lost how to help her....
she says i upset her...i think of her 24/7 and just don't know what to do for her...
she lives in the past and talks about how hard her life has been..
i have to live in the present!
help!
If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.
Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.
Ask yourself this - if Mom did what she could and you did not feel guilty about not being able to absolutely everything for her, could life with her be good again? If not, then your brother has a point, and she would not be less happy than she is now by moving to assisted living, where she also might not feel as entitled to having everything done for her. Lots of people have some sense that they can't run a staff member ragged 24x7 but a son or daughter they see as owing it to them. You can't right now imagine it, because of the false guilt, but she and you might both be happier with her in assisted living, and she might not be entitled to have the deciding vote on it. But, if that is not what you want, and you thing you can change some things, then by all means set limits that make your life with mom not just tolerable but livable. Think outside the box of guilt you have been living in. I know that is easier said than done. And do realize that "self-absorbed" is a product of fear, illness, depression, and waning social and empathy skills. There may be medication and.or counseling that would help with that too.
I have never had an easy relationship with my mom but during that time it was very difficult and we lost our tempers frequently because my dad made all the decisions financially ( really bad decisions). He told me he was sorry that he never taught her anything but that her anxiety and ruminating constantly deterred him from talking to her. She gets angry very easily which was why I left home and never went back as soon as I left for school, which I worked almost full time hours to pay myself in order to be independent.
At the same time my husband my dad was dying he was dealing with his mothers sickness and subsequent death at 64yrs old across the country. The toll of it all,including my mothers anger and needing to learn to live independently at 55 yrs old has been difficult. She doesn't drive and refuses now to even take transit now at 69 yrs old and in reasonable health. She has acted 80 most of the time she has been widowed, with me taking her shopping every week to get groceries and liquor and going to her non urgent doctor visits, which she insists I go in with her for. Over the years we have not always treated each other with due respect, but I am working on it.
I went back and upgraded my degree so I could get a better job at 45 yrs old and now I have a career. My mom has decided she needs to live with me because they are phasing out her subsidized housing and the housing market is becoming out of reach to buy and rental unit availability is 1 percent vacancy.. I can not see her on the streets, but having her living with me would be almost intolerable. Even if we got another unit with three bedrooms they are tiny and have 30 steps. The only bathroom even has steps up and down to it, which could be problematic for even my husband and I in the future. Mom is use to having things her own way and I know it would take a toll on my health and marriage. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
One of my SIL's moved 10,000 miles away from my MIL (literally, I mean - she went to Australia). The other, like you, is holding out from ten minutes away thanks to a lovely husband and adamant ground rules. But don't underestimate the strain of keeping those barriers in place.
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