Doesn’t want to come home from hospital. Is she LOOKING for something to be wrong?

My ILs are admitted to the hospital at least once a month for at least one of them.

Woo, does that change things. Bossy Brother's Wife--who is being paid $70K a year, then takes it upon herself to order SO to pay a visit to "drop things off" or "go see him." This Brother's Wife almost stopped us from taking the FIL up to the one place that offered J&J recipients a booster shot back in August when MIL was talking about having a full stem-cell treatment. That's the only thing Brother's Wife really sees, how can they be HAPPY and should I bring them a sandwich etc.

My mom was addicted to operations and finally had a heart attack and more surgeries on the heart and more rehabs until eventually she had dementia and since her episodes of constant needs and attention by the time she was actually very ill no one knew because for 22 years she had always Ben ill . So crying Wolf is not uncommon and some people love the attention . She is gone now but when she started the operations I knew it was the beginning of the end . Put her in AL

In nursing school, we discussed folks who really LIKE to be in the hospital. They enjoy on all the attention and the coddling that they get while hospitalized. Some will invent excuses so they can stay longer. It seems your mom has a similar mindset.

It might be worth considering what your mom DOESN'T LIKE about her current living situation and what can be changed to create that more "cared for" (nurses say, "waited on") feeling she is seeking. If she is living alone, she may be hinting that she needs more interaction with others and feels lonely or depressed on her own. It might be time to look into senior residential options or for an evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist.

Thanks for the update.

My husband went to his PCP for a pain in his armpit. The PCP set him up with some tests and gave him a name of a specialist to see that would get the tests. Went to the specialist, had another test and he explained to my husband what was going on. I got a call later from the PCP office saying the Dr. wanted to go over the results with him. I state, and nicely, that the Specialist had already explained everything to my DH and what needed to be done. Is that not why DH was sent to a Specialist? The girl said nothing. I said right, no need to come in, she said I guess.

To be honest, it was nice they called but I don't blame you for saying what u did. I would say something to the Dr. next time Mom sees him. He really has no idea what his staff says to his patients. If there were openings, then Mom should have been given an appt.

After many admissions to a hospital or after a lengthy admission, some patients develop the "Hospitalitis " syndrome. They become extremely dependent on being taken care of. This is more common in psychiatric patients, but it also happens in other type of patients. That's why unnecessary long admissions are avoided. A prompt referral to a nursing home for patients that need further care is usually done to avoid this kind of dependency. Another type of "hospitalitis" is the one that affects hypondriacs. But these ones become dependent on all types of medical services, hospitals, clinics, doctors' offices, etc. Sometimes they go to the point of fabricating symptoms. When they do have a real medical problem, they don't follow treatment instructions. For whatever reasons, they have a compulsion to be a sick person.

When my mother declared herself on death’s doorstep (suicide note - no drinking, no eating, no meds, self-harm actions) she was too weak to walk, talk, function... until EMS showed up. She hopped to her feet, all chatty, they took to the ER, where I later found her not wanting to leave. They had trouble keeping her corralled. She was the life of the party!

UPDATE
First of all thank you for all your responses. It’s clear that there are some common threads we all have out there with our aging elders/family. Since mom’s trip to urgent care however long ago it was, I’ve had a talk with her about her self-maintenance, and preventing, or doing what we can to prevent these types of visits. Now, we can’t necessarily control if (forbid forbid) something just goes south. That can happen at any age. But I told her flat out that the next time a trip to the ER or urgent care happens, it may be someone ELSE who decides that she is declining, and that someone else, not her family may make the recommendation that living alone can no longer be. And, that as family considering health and everything we have seen, we’re not going to necessarily fight that. In fact we won’t.

Overall her symptoms may once again have been because of anxiety attack and with her health conditions those are scary. I have them and I’m healthy and they’re scary. But I think while there, as many of you have said, our UCs and ERs are tending to super sick people and she was not the highest priority, although she wasn’t totally ignored. No fussing over her. Again, not going to ignore an urgent need, but my first question when she’s “feeling a little off,” is going to be “what have you tried to feel better.”

She’s kind of come around, so to speak. She’s telling me, “i know I need to eat better,” and she has been. And I warned her now with the new variant we are all at risk. Her sitting in a chair there or waiting in a bed there, and me right there, waiting along side the whole way. Again, don’t avoid if its an emergency, but don’t create one if it’s not.

I’m still not right with her doctor’s office waving her away and sending her to urgent care. They had the whole afternoon wide open, but yet, “no…because of her age..” You’re a GERIATRIC SPECIALIST!!! They called me to see “how she was doing,” and I very tersely responded, “Oh well, you know, like I told you on the phone that day. Nothing was life threateningly wrong, she was feeling unwell and needed some help. Surely you’ve seen the reports from the emergency department.”

“Oh, um…ok.”

Happy new year all, let’s make it a good one despite the rest.

My FIL LOVES the hospital....or he did. He loved the attention. He loved the nurses fawning over him. He loved pushing the help button and the quick response. He even loved the ER and the fact that they would quickly find the 80+ year old 300lb diabetic man a bed and fawn over him no matter what was wrong because there HAD to be something wrong. He also loved that a trip to the hospital elicited a response from all of us. We all raced to the hospital to deal with the emergency.
Then COVID happened. We bent over backwards to discourage unnecessary trips to the ER or the hospital. We reminded him that unless he was absolutely emergent we couldn't expose him because HE was definitely among the population that wouldn't survive. And we also leaned heavily on the local restrictions that he would have to go in alone because for adults here no visitors were allowed period. He was competent so he would have to go alone and stay alone. We reminded him that the nurses and doctors were overworked and hospitals were understaffed and that it wasn't what he was used to. And for a long time that worked. And then he finally couldn't wait any longer. He had what he considered an "emergency". COVID had somewhat settled a little bit, vaccines were available, he was vaccinated. We were still very cautious. He had a slip. Not a fall. But when he goes down it requires assistance. First responders were called to get him on his feet. He talked about some symptoms that had already been addressed by multiple doctors as if they were from that occurrence. The paramedics stated they could find nothing wrong that would require transport but he asked to go. Our hospitals were still no visitors. So off he went in the ambulance. And he got an eye opener. He sat in the waiting room because he wasn't emergent and they didn't have a bed. Then they did take him back but still no bed, so he sat in a chair. For HOURS. He didn't get the same attention he had received for years because they didn't have the staff or the time. They did the normal tests found nothing wrong and he called to ask to be picked up. He was so angry. We had tried to tell him. He didn't believe it. Our ERs at the time were experiencing a resurge and the wait times were in the double digits so the fact that he was in and out in 4 was honestly amazing but he was of course put out. He was used to being admitted for a cold.
He hasn't indicated any "health crisis" ramp ups since. That may sound insensitive but prior to COVID we could expect multiple ER trips per year for the sniffles with him angling for an admit so I know exactly what OP means. He absolutely enjoyed hospital and ER trips pre-COVID and flat out thought we were lying to keep him from going when we told him how things were now.

If he truly needs the ER or the hospital we will 1000% make sure he gets what he needs. But he would just as soon head to the ER under normal circumstances as a regular doctor appt just to get checked out in the hopes of staying. I've never seen anyone that loves to stay in the hospital like that!!

She is afraid of dying and she has become a hypochondriac. She might be a little depressed too. How old is she? If she is relatively young and lucid, she might benefit from psychological counseling.

I'm not elderly and I did this, LOL. Seriously, though the difference was there was something else they had missed, and I'm glad I brought it up before discharge or it could have been worse.

Mind you I did not bother the nurses all the time to get me something, actually didn't like being waited on that much at all LOL

Happened in the hospital I was in earlier this year. It was during a bad stretch of winter weather. The caregiver probably wanted a few days from not having to look after an older gentlemen who was admitted and fine. The day of discharge she was supposed to pick him up, but didn't. He stayed another night, the next night the same thing happened, but this time the hospital arranged transportation for him to go home, so he was discharged home.

Your mothers sounds like what doctors call "Professional Patients"

Especially right now, this is a huge waste of resources. ERs are packed! Your mother is what I have heard doctors call "the worried well." Stop enabling her. She belongs in assisted living where she'll receive the attention and services she seeks.

It actually sounds like your mom would be VERY happy in Assisted Living community. She would have people that would tend to her, bring her meals if she wants.
Would this possibly be an option? It would take some pressure from you as well as there would be people around her.

Maddaughter50: I knew a woman who actually wanted something to be additionally wrong with her and she made it happen by flinging herself out of her wheelchair.

"As for cost, with Medicare and my late father’s military benefits, she pays nothing for these kinds of things." Well, someone is paying (taxpayers) for her abuse of the system.

Don't take her to the ER, and don't take her home. Let her figure it out. After all, there will be even more people to pay attention to her, which is what she wants.

hugs!!!

i recently had an experience where my LO was in hospital, wanted to stay because of feeling safer in hospital.

luckily LO’s tests were ok; sent home.

so sometimes, i think our LOs think hospitals are safer; someone there taking care of you.

the reality is that sometimes hospitals are more dangerous. you go in with 1 problem, come out with 10 new problems (catching some transmittable infection, doctors/nurses sometimes make mistakes, etc.)

in my case, my LO was very happy when home again.

Wow. Yes. My mother wanted desperately the 24/7 care, attention, therapies and extra security of the nursing home rehab until her hip was healed enough. Her anxiety about being Alone and on her own in the senior housing even with care was overwhelming her coping skills. It's gut wrenching to see the helplessness and anxiety in a once powerfully independent woman. My heart just breaks for these folks. And I know some day I may be also alone and scared.
Try to reassure her you or help are nearby, get a medic alert bracelet, maybe find a wonderful loving Assisted Living place. And in the end you can say I did everything I could to help. My heart still feels so sad that I am not taking care of her personally. But we can't all do that. I call her 3 times a day to remind her I'm am still here, still love them and will come soon..
God bless you on this very very difficult path

I agree. Place her in an AL if she wants attention. She will have aides and socialization. Activities and entertainment.

My father did this. He loved his ER trips because he would be fussed over. I don't do "fuss", I deal with the issue all business-like and he wants someone to baby him. He ran me ragged for 2 years until I wised up. After all someone says ER and you think it is serious. Added bonus he got his only child to sit there for 4-6 hours after working a full day at a stressful job.

Then I wised up. If he needed to go while I was at work I would pop out since he lived near my work and drop him off at the door. I would also tell him he needed to take a taxi to get home. He called 911 so often the local police all knew him by name. He averaged a trip every 10 days or so and nothing was ever serious. In fact, the one time he did actually have a serious issue I was the one who insisted on going to the ER.

If she is going for non-emergencies you need to let her get herself there and back on her own. If it is serious they will call you. Even after my father went to AL he loved his ER trips. The AL would call and let me know they sent him and I would make it clear that he was to hire medical transportation to get himself back to AL. That was usually $75 a trip. I would have never been able to keep my job for the number if times I would have had to run and get him.

Yep, she needs to have 911 on speed dial. Have her bag packed, snacks, a beverage, something to read-say a few copies of the Journal of American Medicine Association or Emergency Responders weekly-hospital type reading. Oh, and a pillow, 'cause those chairs in the waiting room get uncomfortable after awhile. Tell her you're really busy right now, and visiting her in the hospital (if admitted) might not be possible, as others here have pointed out-COVID is still a thing-but not to worry, it might not spread to where she is. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows what the future holds? Then, Uber/taxi on speed dial for the ride back-easy peasy! Remind her that those ER rides aren't free-$300 wouldn't even begin to cover the cost for an ambulance run in Philly. Oh, and some Taxis/Ubers might not pick up recently discharged hospital patients either, what with insurance liabilities and COVID, lots 'n lots of COVID. So, step back, she seems to really enjoy the ER.
You can change. Up to her, not you, if she can.

Maddaughter, have you considered edibles for her anxiety?

My Auntie said that they really help my cousin who is a challenge to deal with.

I would do some research and ask her doctor, then I would find a way to get them in her. That's just me though.

The best thing you can do is stop talking to the woman all day long, cut back the contact, and let her know it's fine to stay home and away from holiday functions. And, if she's so ill all the time and in need of medical attention, you can get her home sold to finance her new life in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing, no problem.

You're giving her an audience for her histrionics and a ride to the ER for every ache and pain she has. As long as you keep doing that, she'll keep playing you like a fiddle. Next time she's "so sick" and needs to go to the ER, tell her to call 911. Remind her the copay for the ambulance ride is $100 each way and the ER visit is $100 or whatever, so it's a minimum cost to HER of $300 to take this trip. You no longer feel comfortable driving such a sick old person to the ER so the ambulance is her only option from now on. Her decisions each have consequences. You also no longer have all day to spend sitting in the ER and since the hospitals are so full of Covid, the visitor policy is very strict so you won't be accompanying her.... it's too dangerous for you to expose yourself. Again, she can make these decisions for herself, but you'll be making your decisions for YOURSELF. Spending all day in a petrie dish of sickness is not something you're willing to do anymore, sorry. The doctor can call you if they plan to ADMIT her, otherwise, she can let you know when the ambulance drops her back off at home.

If your mother chooses to behave herself in this manner, then she will need to suffer the consequences of her behavior at the same time. I'm sure your therapist has talked to you about setting boundaries and separating your life from your mother's.

Good luck

My ex's grandma would do this all the time.

And my current SO's parents also do this at least once a month.

My advice, just drop her off and tell her to text you when she's ready for pick up. Better yet get her the Uber app on her phone and put her credit card on it.

One word: Anxiety?

Mom may need help with that.

I would stop taking her and call 911, that will put a stop to you sitting in the ER while she is entertained. It doesn't make you a bad daughter to do this, it's a boundary that protects you.

If she wants to be fed, entertained and have someone present at night, she should consider an AL or a board and care home.