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I don't see this ask on the forum but my 98 year old Mother although she has dementia, horrible short term memory recall but ------------
She knows what is happening to her. She knows she has a brain blood flow problem. She knows there isn't anything that can be done about it. Knows it's going to get worse and we talk about it.



At first she didn't want to believe anything was happening to her. Frustrated her not being able to finish task. Forgetting how to answer the phone or turn on the TV. But as I learned about Dementia I emailed everything I saw that related to what I believed she was going through. I can see the signs, the things to look for to reassure she indeed has Dementia. We got a brain scan. She didn't want to believe that report for it said something is wrong. Got upset that I believed it. Still I kept digging for information to assist me. Each time I found something interesting I forwarded it to her. Her short term memory alone with the frustration of getting confused stops her from finishing a lot of things but as time has rolled on it's come to the forefront that Yea, she can't deny there is something wrong. She wants to know when it started. What was 'that something' that triggered this decline. You can't pin point it for it probably started 20 years before it surfaced so others noticed it. We've tried to play Gin, Domino's, she can't keep her thoughts straight. Multi-tasking or figuring out a problem what that happens the brain needs more plasma/blood to accomplish the task. Mother's brain does not produce that extra blood/plasma. So she gets confused, frustrated but she realizes -- I got a problem.



I can't tell you how much that helps every area of what I'm dealing with. For without it, it would be worse, like it was when she was in total denial. Most people dealing with a parent with dementia, their parents don't have a clue what the kids are going through dealing with it. They think they are normal and you have the problem. Mom still thinks there's a 3rd presence in the house. That's because she puts things up, can't remember where so when we find it there has to be a presence putting this stuff up cause I DID NOT DO IT she says.



Still there are good days, better days and the best best days when she realizes there is something wrong with her. She wakes up in the morning and tells me not how but what she is feeling today. From what I read on these forums this is very unusual for her to acknowledge the problem. Anyone else's parents know what is happening to them, admit it and discuss it?



Dalton

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My mother knew something was wrong with her memory, but she didn't acknowledge that she had 'dementia', she was in total denial about it. Most people don't like that word, understandably so.

In my opinion, it makes no difference one way or another. She had it, she was in Memory Care being helped for the issues pertaining to it, and that's how it was being handled. Whether she acknowledged the fact that she had 'dementia' or not wasn't going to change the situation, and me talking to her about it only upset her, so there was no point in doing so. Had she been open to her diagnosis, we would have talked about it, certainly. Forcing facts on her didn't help my mother, as you're seeing yourself with your mother insisting there is a 'presence putting stuff up' in her her home since she 'DID NOT DO IT'. You will not convince her otherwise, whether she admits to having dementia or not.

Eventually, when the dementia progresses to the advanced stage, the elders stop being able to use reason or logic with ANYTHING, so enjoy her moments of lucidity while you can.

Good luck!
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I wish a Neurologist could fill us in on how this works!

Yes, my LO knows. But chooses to not ever discuss. Well very seldomly discuss - sometimes there is a small question "Why can't I..? Oh, the blood flow thing. Then a sad nod.

I'd say it's a blessing that your Mother can talk to you about her reality. A blessing for both of you while it lasts.
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The LO I care for now knows exactly what is happening. It’s getting worse daily and they often mention that they “can’t think right.” My mother also knew and commented about it.
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Mom 86 has "awakenings" now and then. They are unpleasant for her. It usually happens when I'm helping her toilet or similar personal situations. I can tell when this happens because she'll cry then say something like "you just won't know what it's like until it happens to you." She never says anything more just cries. It's heartbreaking. I'm sure she awakens more than I realize. These are just the moments I see.
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Maybe the 5 Stages of Grief pertain to Dementia patient too?

https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
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My mom realizes her memory is horrible, however she doesn’t think it’s her memory when we can’t find her purse, the remote or her laundry basket. When she is talking she will say “since your daddy died I can’t remember anything, my brain is scrambled”. About once a month she wants to have a serious conversation about her dementia. I tell her that in 2016 she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s but when daddy died in 2018 it got much worse, but we changed her meds in December and she is actually doing better,” which is true. She can now recall things from the previous day on occasion and before the new meds she was very foggy. My grandfather also recognized that he had issues but my grandmother never even realized it. They both had Alzheimer’s. Everyone different I guess. We each have our own unique story. This is a horrible disease but I’m thankful at this point I can still enjoy my mom.
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One thing I know, is that music bypasses areas of the brain that are damaged. My Dad and me listened to music. Not only was he interactive with it, but it calmed him.
We also listened to stand up comedians. Even if tou missed the last joke, another one takes its place. My Dad loved Jerry Clower and his funny stories of life growing up in a small town. Those are things you can do together with a person with short term memory. God bless you in your journey and enjoy her as long as you can.
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Mum’s GP has defined Mum as having severe dementia.
I’m sure it was dormant somewhere but it flourished when my brother passed 2019 and has progressed quite rapidly. She went into shock and kinda never came out of it. Similarly first she was in denial and then came to accept it once I kept repeating it’s totally acceptable for memory loss to happen after such enournous grief. Despite being defined as severe, she definitely knows there’s something wrong and has a cry every day. She has hit huge depression over it. She will call herself stupid and say there’s nothing to her anymore and that she may as well be dead. It’s heartbreaking to hear,.... she used to be super independent. She never relied on anyone but herself.
Just recently my other brother passed and interestingly she’s completely aware of this. It sank in somewhere where other info doesn’t! First couple days she was cycling between knowing something is wrong and panicking / him having passed. Now she’s conpletely aware he is gone and there’s almost like this side to her that’s fighting to be sober from dementia. It’s so strange. It’s like she’s deep in there somewhere. She was able to discuss with me about funeral planning and want to comfort me (recognise I was upset) but then right now she’s trying to clean a coffee cup by hand?!?! And she will quote random number at times.

My experience watching Mum has been as if a parasite is slowly taking over her brain but she’s fighting in there deep inside. Kinda like in the horror movies when someone is possessed and the real person is trying to come out. It’s very sad but in short yes she is totally aware for now.

With mum her “emotional” “hard wired” memories seem to still be processing while the “rational”, “problem solving” is not. She still has a nurturing side left and she spotted a little kid in danger at the shopping centre which neither I or the parent noticed.
The toddler stood up on the trolley seat while dad had his back to him. Mum started rushing over quickly to catch him! I was actually quite impressed with that! Mum worked with kids throughout her working life. She also shows this same nurturing side to the cats. She might not recall how to make herself food but will recognise the cats need food and care for them.
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I wondered this myself. My mother (97) struggled to help a close friend with dementia 35 years ago and, until just over a year ago she could recall her friend’s behaviour. She also recognized a family friend’s paranoid and accusatory behaviour as part of his dementia. Although my mother exhibited behaviours she recognized in others, she could not relate or accept that she was experiencing the same. People really were stealing her things, walking through her walls, holding parties in the dining room while she was in the kitchen, listening in on her calls, etc. Sure, the dementia made OTHERS think that, but it was all really happening to HER. And she’d be back to demanding to know what I’d done to her, why I made her get old and who was paying me to gaslight her day and night. <sigh>

During her rare lucid moments (and they still happen) I explain that, just as I need strong glasses because my eyes don’t function well and her brother needs hearing aids because his ears don’t function well, and our neighbour needs a wheelchair because his legs don’t function well, she needs helpers because her memory doesn’t function well and sometimes misinterprets events and forgets things. So her care facility and I put together a group of trustworthy assistants to make sure she stays on track throughout the day. How they’ll step in as much or as little as needed.

That seems to be the most acceptable explanation for her.
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I think most people know what is happening to them. Memory loss tends to be more short term and reasoning abilities. They can’t remember what just happened. But moments of reality do come and go. I just go with the flow.
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Every year we have an Alzheimer's fundraising walk and some of the main participants and fundraisers are people who have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia - of course they are aware of what is happening and what is likely to happen in their future! My mom lived to be 99 and was very confused for years - some days she couldn't even tell you her own name - but right until the end she had occasional moments where everything seemed to fall into place and she made perfect sense.
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Str8golfer: My late sister in law, who suffered from Alzheimer's did not know she had the disease. A precursor to her ailment occurred a few years before her diagnosis. She entered a marked in red one-way highway the wrong way with two of her grandchildren in the back seat of her auto. Fortunately, other drivers averted the possible disaster. However, after that occurrence, she said nothing; she kept driving and was employed part time outside the home.
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My mom saw dementia in many family members (father and siblings), and she recognized what was happening to her, esp early on, although she would go into denial on a bad day or in an attempt to cover up. While she was still able to understand what was happening, she gave my sister and me POA and got a number of her affairs in order. I also remember a few times, she had periods of clarity and she was absolutely devastated with fear, telling me that she couldn't believe the way she had been acting and thinking. These moments would quickly fade and she would revert back to her previous state. She said many times that I couldn't even imagine how terrible it was. This was all in the first few years of onset. So if you're experiencing positive moments of clarity, enjoy and appreciate those times!
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Hi Dalton. Your journey is very similar to mine. As the dementia progresses, you may hear less often that your Mom is cognizant of the problem. Our Drs remind us that even when there is a good day/morning/afternoon, it doesn’t mean her brain has healed. The dementia is still there, and progressing, and it was just a fleeting moment.

As things progress you may see more agnosonosia. Ie., I spoke to Mom between breakfast and Sunday services at AL today. She was fine; upbeat and just heading out the door after brushing teeth. An hour+ later her younger sister calls and reports Mom is having an awful day, whining about everything. Two + hours later I arrive to gather her for Sunday lunch out, and she’s in the dining room eating. She swears she has no keys for her AL apartment and asks staff repeatedly when she will get some. She used to acknowledge there were gaps/lapses. Not any more. Paranoia is increasing and things are moved, taken or misplaced by someone else.

I recommend David Troxel’s “A Dignified Life”. He advocates a Best Friend approach to the Alzheimer’s/ dementia journey with your loved one. It’s changed my relationship with Mom for the better. Helps me see where she is coming from, acknowledge her fears and grief and meet her where she’s at, each new day.

Best wishes along your journey. I was terrible about finding “me time”. It’s vital. Please make self-care a priority.
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I truly believe my mom has dementia but others in my family say it’s just old age. However; my dad had noticed for a couple of years he told me one day when I was sitting with him when he was still at home that he wanted me and my sister to take her to the dr because he can’t do it and it really upset him he has always taken care of her for 65 years and now he couldn’t. He said that he thought her memory had gotten worse since she fell in March 2021 and I agreed with him. So I ended up being the one to take her for her annual ck up and telling her pcp about her memory. She gave her the normal test in the office and said she passed but since she had fallen and we thought her memory was worse she would give her a referral to a neurologist. Which at first she was willing to go to until my dad passed on November 2 2021. I rescheduled the appointment 3 times and then she finally just refused to go because they would only ask her questions and tell she was crazy plus a friend asked her why she was going because she didn’t see a problem with her memory. I wish she would go to the neurologist just so we can know what we are dealing with. Her ankles and feet are really swollen and her right knee I don’t know if that has anything to do with dementia or not. I don’t know what to do and sometimes she drives me crazy and my patients just about run out but usually by then I’m ready to go home and then worry about her living alone in the house. Plus she has magaldegertation in her eyes so sending her stuff or even getting her to read it isn’t going to happen. I have no idea what to do.
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NightHeron Aug 2022
Oof, that's hard. Try to get her to sign off on power of attorney, to you or whichever sibling she trusts the most, before she gets diagnosed with dementia. Inevitably, at one of these check-ups, she will be diagnosed. And then it will be too late to get POA. The last resort is to get guardianship, and that is expensive (cost my family $15K all told, though our case was unusually complicated). It's also very restrictive. The paperwork alone takes over your life in a way that POA paperwork does not.

But I'm sorry you're in this position. Been there, and it's not fun. Like I said, if she won't go to a specialist, her PCP will eventually diagnose it. Good luck to you and your family.
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I'm glad for you that you were able to be so open with your mother.

I know mine knew something was off, because she had written down lists of foods to eat to combat dementia. I found a few lists like this in her house, written on the backs of envelopes, stuck in books about the brain. (Everything was badly misspelled, and this woman had once been an English teacher. But it was clear she had done a lot of research into it.)

I let it slip one time that she'd been officially diagnosed as having dementia, after she'd been badgering me as to why she had to stay where she was, and ... she didn't speak to me for three weeks. Wouldn't look at me. She was so deeply offended. I never let it slip again.

But yes, I think it might have made things easier had she been able to acknowledge it. She was just so very angry about being in memory care. She passed recently, but her rage was constant in the last few months. I wish we could have spoken calmly about it. I wish she had known that we were trying to give her a good quality of life, despite what she felt was wrongful imprisonment.
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