Does your loved one exhibit different personalities with different people?

Trust me on this; your mother is a narcissist. You have my sympathy. Do not expect any empathy, sympathy or compassion from your mother as narcissists cannot show these emotions to people they think they can control. Narcissists are like Venus flytrap. They look lovely on the outside but once they gain your trust and get you into their fold that’s when the narcissistic behavior starts.

Dear Maddaughter50, my mother is like your mother, and I too did not feel safe in my relationship with her as a child. I cared for my mother w dementia from a distance and many times I needed weeks to recover from the re-wounding of my heart. Mom now lives with my sister, who is trying her best to care and endure the insults.
What has truly been healing for my heart, is realizing I have a mother in heaven. She is Mary, the mother of Jesus, and the mother of humanity. By slowly getting to know her, and allowing her warmth to touch my deprived heart, I have received the love I missed and peace. That has led to more capacity in my heart to let go of mom’s insults. I pray this link leads you to a spiritual portal that will eventually bring healing. https://directionforourtimes.com/wp-content/uploads/1st-New-Locution-from-Mary-Mother-Disciple-and-Queen-January-2022.pdf

Thanks for all the responses - certainly sparked a lot of interesting discussion no doubt.

My mom puts on a pleasant happy tone with the caregiver and then turns back to her nasty self with me almost right away. In the past she has acted very weak in front of me and then on the camera in her house I saw her walking straight as a rod lifting things after I’d left.

I don’t play into it anymore, and I have set her straight on the attitude, and it has gotten better. She is mad that there are strangers helping her when she feels it is my job to do so. The work would be free, and her entitlement tells her it’s just supposed to be this way. Alas, it is not that way and she’s frustrated, angry, resentful. I don’t doubt that her illness also exacerbates this but it’s really something to hear her call the caregiver honey, hun, sweetheart, and then out of earshot bark my own name like she’s hollering from the bottom of a well. I don’t see her every day (I used to be at her place every single day) and when I started every couple of days or three or whatever, her attitude also changed. She’d still be a little angry and incredibly demanding when I walked in the door, but it didn’t last long. Like it started to sink in that, “oh, she actually might NOT come back.”

This is exhausting but this forum helps a lot.

I used to call it "company manners," and it applied to both my mother with dementia and to my colicky infant daughter. My daughter would cry for eight hours straight every day, but if the doorbell rang, she'd clam up instantly.

My mother hid her memory issues for a good four years by hiding behind her macular degeneration and asking people to identify themselves when they came up to talk to her. Eventually she couldn't function in public any longer and she retired to the house full-time with my dad as caregiver. She could be pretty crabby with him and say things she'd never have said when her mind was still sharp. My kind, loving dad had an excellent answer when I asked him why he put up with that, and he said, "She's built up a lot of credit."

He was right, too. He worked six days a week for the last 15 years before he retired and never took vacation, so neither did Mom. My mom ran the ship at home without complaint. Had he been the one with the broken brain, my mom would have said the exact same thing, I'm sure.

My grandmother completely acts different ..pitiful and shaky voice with nurses that come in but at times bangs on my door like a grown man..has tried to hit my son with her walker ..yells like there is not a weak bone in her body! It infuriates me to no end!

In every conversation there is an interaction between two people. Since oeople are different, the interactions are also different. That is not "multiple personality".

Sounds like narcissistic personality. I know about this personally. And your Mom's interactions sound exactly the same.

How we react differently in different circumstances is a normal choice that all of us make. Sometimes it is worse than ‘normal’. Men who abuse their wives with violence (and all the other types of abuse), would never dream of doing that to their boss. Probably not to their mates. They have somehow decided that their wife is fair game – even that it’s ‘all her fault’.

It takes the law to change some minds – and even that often doesn’t work. It’s get out of it, or use the legal options to get you out of it.

I don't think I know anyone who doesn't adapt their communication style and content to context and audience. With the possible exception of individuals on the autistic spectrum.

Clients sometimes tell me things that they don't feel safe telling to co-workers who are very young, or male, or who ask different questions in a different way, or who don't ask at all. Several co-workers have said at handover that client B isn't sleeping well because she falls asleep in her chair and goes to bed too late; but it wasn't until my last visit to her (of about seven) that we got round to discussing hemorrhoids, how they are part and parcel of having babies, and how the little monsters (the piles, not the babies, or not sixty years later anyway) can wake you up at four in the morning and are literally a pain in the bum. She has run out of cream and hasn't liked to ask her doctor for a px or her family to get her some from the pharmacy.

One client, on my very first greeting him, immediately asked me to modulate my voice - I don't think I've ever shut up so fast in my life. But the point is that he had suffered a brain injury and was not only sensitive to higher pitched and loud noises, which caused him physical pain, but also disinhibited socially and thereby *able* to tell me my voice hurt him. Other clients with more intact filters wouldn't tell me they couldn't stand my voice, but they might say to somebody else that they didn't like me and perhaps not even understand the cause themselves.

With some people we feel restrained, in various ways. We use different forms of address, tones of voice, vocabulary; we do or don't discuss particular issues; we are open about our feelings or not.

You are part of your mother's inner circle. The caregivers are not (yet. If they're worth their salt they will become so). You, in her mind, are allowed access to what she really thinks, feels, wants. They are not. She knows you, she doesn't know them. The result - and the downside - is that you get the warts-and-all version, and they get the facade.

I have (subtly but intentionally) stood in a bathroom doorway to prevent a daughter from answering her mother's call for help with personal care, because that was my job, and an essential part of my particular job (in reablement) is helping clients become accustomed to accepting support from trained caregivers and to lessen their dependence on family care providers. I knew I would be able to reassure the client and put her at ease, but if I hadn't felt confident about doing that then the daughter would have rushed in and taken over and the burden would have remained on her, and, worse, it would have confirmed the daughter's belief that her mother wouldn't let anyone else help her.

Is it what your mother is asking for that's the problem? - is it with tasks or routines that somebody else should be helping with? Or it it more *how* she is asking that upsets you? Are the complaints about anything that needs referring, or is it just background "woe is me" stuff?

I know it's a back-handed compliment, but what it comes down to is that you have your mother's trust. You are safe and familiar. Oh goody, right? But see if you can't delegate at least some of the demands to more appropriate personnel.

Countrymouse, go to howtotypeanythingcom and it will show you how on your operating system.

While in the hospital, we observed that my mother seemed to divide people into two categories. For example, she was sweet to doctors and nurses because they were (in her mind) there to do things FOR her. She was nasty to or completely ignored occupational and physiotherapists, because they were there to make HER do things. I’d hear from the doctors (especially male) about how chatty she was, but during all my visits she only acknowledged me once.

I am actually relieved that she has forgotten who I am.

A VERY common scenario for all of us as caregivers. Unfortunately, the closer the LO is to us, the more he or she lashes out. It shouldn't be this way as we give our hearts, souls, personal time and energy to give them a safe and healthy environment while respecting and loving them through the abuse. You may want to set up boundaries to protect yourself and lay down the law with your LO before it gets worse. Hugs!

Maddaughter50: Oftentimes the individual closest to the elder gets treated liked the proverbial 'chopped liver.'

As you see here, this behavior is common, sadly. My mom would 'showtime' with strangers, casual acquaintances, her doctor ("Doctor God", lol), but be snarky with me/family. Finally I took a chance to 'call her out' by using a term she often used, kind of 'old fashioned', "Mom, sometimes you can be such a Pill," said very calmly, almost nonchallantly by me. Her response was almost comical: she was stunned, taken aback, and began to treat me more cordially after that! She seemed to think it was OK to talk to 'the help' that way, or maybe was unaware, but she did improve her tone/attitude with us.

I have observed the same behavior with my husband who is diagnosed with Alzheimer's. In the old days, we called this "Jekyll and Hide" personality, but I've heard it referred to here as "Showtime."

Some things just need to be accepted and one must learn to keep the peace by not engaging. As tantrums erupt, I disappear: must be difficult for my husband to realize he is all alone in his bad behavior. I refuse to be anyone's punching bag.

Like MeDolly, I see you've met my parent! Dad has always had this side to him but it has gotten worse in the past several years. He's highly unpredictable in how he will respond to the same situation; you never know which dad you're going to get out of this box of chocolates. I call every day at the same time. Life happens and sometimes I'll be as much as 5 minutes late but the dread starts building at minute one. He'll either be pleasant (Oh that's ok not a problem) or he'll hang up on me. Last week he got annoyed and the next day made lame excuses (I wasn't shouting at you. I was speaking loudly because the tv volume was up.) Except that day he had been out in the garage working. I'm in health care and have learned treat him like an unruly patient. The louder and more unreasonable he becomes the calmer I become but my response is very direct as in "I can see you are upset but can we have a conversation to hash it out and not a cage match? If that doesn't work I'll tell him hope you have a good night. I'll talk to you tomorrow and hang up. I used to feel guilty but honestly now I enjoy the peace. We go next week to look at a facility for him. I've toured a dozen and arranged appointments multiple times but he always makes lame excuses and cancels last minute. Right now his anger and unpredictable behavior are ramping up, I suspect because he doesn't want to go.

I think we all have 'customer facing' personalities vs private personalities - if that makes sense. BUT that is different than what Barb mentioned about how people with personality disorders, dementia and mental illness have different interactions with different people. For example - when I'm at home, with people that I know love me and I can 'let my hair down' I may not always be "on" so to speak. Whereas if I'm in public or with my boss I'm almost always going to be on my best behavior. I think EVERYONE has that to some extent, including people with personality disorders, dementia or mental illness. BUT I think for those with altered mental states it goes to a whole other level.

My FIL is what I consider to be a narcissist. I don't mean he is just a very selfish person as he ages. I mean he is a textbook abusive narcissist and it is rooted in his childhood, he married an enabler who covered it up for years, and when she passed away it came to the forefront in technicolor and it is getting worse as he ages. He is horribly toxic and has been for most of the nearly 30 years that I have known him but MIL did a good job of covering most of it. Now there is no buffer. BUT if you read his medical charts (which we do in the portal) most of those start with "patient is pleasant..." and you know what....HE IS!! It will give you whiplash - the smiling, happy man that presents himself to the doctors. It has only been in maybe the last year to 18 months that he has not really been able to maintain the façade with the doctors and that is primarily because WE are there telling the doctors the truth when he lies to them and the mask falls away. He can absolutely SHOWTIME people, smiling, laughing, CHARMING - the happiest person you have ever seen. And the MOMENT they leave it is like the Devil himself has come into the room - his VOICE even changes. The mask drops and he is back.

So yes, they can exhibit different personalities.

But the real question is - is this NEW behavior? Or has it been happening for years? Is this because she is in pain and trying to put on a happy face in front of others and feels safe with you and let's you see how she is really feeling? Or is there more going on? Is she trying to make others feel sorry for her? HOW is she behaving differently with others than she does you?

Even people who are not ill or infirmed act differently with different people. Family members often get the brunt of bad moods and complaints because family is the "safest" place for people to express their feelings. More of an "act" is put on to try to appear "likeable" to people outside the family.

What does your mother not like with you, her daughter and best friend ? Does she love you?

That's a big yes from me. My mother has been that way all of my life. I remember as a child she would put on her sweet, chirpy, smiley, funny self around other people and at home she would scream at me until her face turned red.

Most other people just love her. She still does it. When her physical therapist comes in she sits up and adjusts herself and acts like she's got the world by the tail. And of course her therapist comments on how funny and sweet and cute she is. I usually just nod.

The only time that she will lose her cool in front of someone else and start yelling is when I am trying to have a conversation with the therapist or one of her sitters or a nurse (she has home care) and she isn't included. She has to be the center of attention at all times.

During one visit, her palliative nurse heard the way she speaks to me and was taken aback.

When no one is here, she yells my name like I'm a dog and waves her hand at me and says "come here".

At 95 I'm not going to change her so I try not to get triggered.

There are no different personalities, only different roles. Multiple personality disorder is not a mental illness anymore. A professional care giver is trained to communicate with different types of patients. A relative may sound unintentionally threatening.

Oh, yes. I can relate to your situation. Hugs.

So you have met my mother? Yes, that is her, I advised her if she doesn't respect me and treat my accordingly, I will leave, and I do. Grab my stuff and leave, don't answer her calls for a few days.

She is ok for awhile and then the cycle starts all over again. I stick to my boundaries.

Quite honestly I think we are ALL different people with different people and that for all of our adult lives.
Think about yourself with your boss at work.
Think about yourself with your co-worker.
Think about yourself with your best friend.
Think about yourself with a stranger at the door.
Thing about yourself with your child.
Think about yourself with your parent.
I think we have different personalities for everyone. I once told a therapist many years ago "I am so many different people to spouse, parent, sibling, child, patient that I no longer know who I am" and she replied "You are all of them."

Ahh.. yes… all my moms caregivers except one loved her.. me , I’m thinking , what the heck… but good for everyone else.. !

People treat you the way you allow them to. Your mother puts her nice happy mask on for others & reserves the ugly one for YOU b/c you allow it. My mother did the same thing until I told her NO MORE MA. And I'd leave her presence or end the phone call when the ugly ma came out to play, which was quite often until her dementia got very advanced to the point where she forgot to BE ugly, which was good in a sad kind of way.

My mother would still get sarcastic and foul with me, even after I put my foot down, but she kept it civilized b/c she knew I'd leave or hang up if she went TOO far with me. We're not whipping posts, after all, and while a little bit of anger and frustration is understandable with sick elders, too much of it is not acceptable. If they can be nice to others, then they can CHOOSE to be nice to US also!!!!

People with personality disorders, people with dementia, people with various kinds of mental illness will lash out at the person closest to them because they know it's safe to do so.

It may be the sort of thing where your mom has a fear of abandonment and she reassures herself by treating you badly (see, she doesn't leave even thought I treat her like dirt).

This is all about her and nothing to do with you

I would not be providing myself as a punching bag for someone like this, but I've not had this experience with a parent, so I guess it's easy for me to say "walk away" or "Tell her to speak nicely".