My mother has always been mean but she's turned up the dial. I'm not living with her nor can she live with me but when I retired, she started expecting me to visit a few days a week. She takes pride in telling everyone that she takes care of herself and that I don't help her which is a lie. In the last couple of weeks, she's pushed me to my breaking point by demanding that I visit, shaming me, yelling at me and hanging up when I call. Tonight, I went over to have a talk with her (at the suggestion of my husband) and she wouldn't answer the door. She was shocked when I let myself in with the key. She refuses to come to my house now because she feels like she's not welcome and that I think she'll get my house dirty. That people don't visit me because I'm too clean. She also told me that I've had a nervous breakdown and I'm acting crazy - she's making me crazy! She said that I'm after her money and laughed and said I can't put her in a nursing home which I certainly CAN. These are just a few examples of her meanness. I spoke with our attorney today and he said to let things play out. As her POA and trustee, I can step away and let her fail. I've been diagnosed with CDiff today and told her I've been sick for a week and haven't felt like visiting. She told me she cares about my health issues about as much as I care about her. I think that was it for me. For the record, I've been in counseling for a few years and I listened to my husband tonight instead of my Counselor. She always tells me to put up boundaries, stick to them and hang up or leave when she starts in on me. I don't know how people stay patient and deal with behavior like this for years.
You can step away from your current POA and trustee but unless your mother legally gives your husband those duties it won't be transfered to your husband.
I am curious if your mental and physically wellbeing are being comprimised why have you not followed the advice of your counselor with creating boundries? Sometimes you need to step away from a toxic situation and let her thrive or crash.
I embraced that expensive pearl of wisdom and kept a healthy distance from the toxic fumes the woman emanated. You should do the same. Strict boundaries are key.
Tell mother you won't be calling or visiting anymore until she starts acting nicer. To let you know when she's in a more civilized mood. That worked well with my mother, living in AL and then Memory Care.
Your mother may indeed have dementia. Mine was always mean but the meanness got MUCH worse when the dementia set in. It was ugly.
Let her be. Some Incident will happen one day to force her into managed care and then your POA will be activated. Until then, leave her to her own devices. And unless she has a super nuclear UTI for the past few years, she's got dementia with a mean streak a mile wide going on. My mother took joy in upsetting me with ugly confessions about the past she'd waited years to tell me. When the filter disintegrated due to dementia, the horror truly began.
Good luck. Protect yourself and your sanity.
Just block her, avoid her, and do your own thing. Life is too short to waste time and energy dealing with a mean, abusive, senile elderly parent that tries to compete with you or control you.
Mom knows she's old, you aren't and she is simply mad at life and how it played out. Set boundaries all day long, but mainly just force her out of your mind, and it will get easier with time. Save your money on the boring counselor and go get a manicure or something that makes you feel good.
You will need to seriously ponder resigning your PoA. You see how she is now. She's not going to improve or even stay at this level. She will become uncooperative even in unsafe situations. If you resign your PoA then the strategy will be to report her to APS. They won't act right away but they will refer her case to a judge who will eventually assign a 3rd party guardian and they will get her to do the things that you can't. It's a solution. We were grateful to have this solution for my jerk SFIL.