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My mother has always been mean but she's turned up the dial. I'm not living with her nor can she live with me but when I retired, she started expecting me to visit a few days a week. She takes pride in telling everyone that she takes care of herself and that I don't help her which is a lie. In the last couple of weeks, she's pushed me to my breaking point by demanding that I visit, shaming me, yelling at me and hanging up when I call. Tonight, I went over to have a talk with her (at the suggestion of my husband) and she wouldn't answer the door. She was shocked when I let myself in with the key. She refuses to come to my house now because she feels like she's not welcome and that I think she'll get my house dirty. That people don't visit me because I'm too clean. She also told me that I've had a nervous breakdown and I'm acting crazy - she's making me crazy! She said that I'm after her money and laughed and said I can't put her in a nursing home which I certainly CAN. These are just a few examples of her meanness. I spoke with our attorney today and he said to let things play out. As her POA and trustee, I can step away and let her fail. I've been diagnosed with CDiff today and told her I've been sick for a week and haven't felt like visiting. She told me she cares about my health issues about as much as I care about her. I think that was it for me. For the record, I've been in counseling for a few years and I listened to my husband tonight instead of my Counselor. She always tells me to put up boundaries, stick to them and hang up or leave when she starts in on me. I don't know how people stay patient and deal with behavior like this for years.

Lander22, first thing make sure your Mother doesn't have an Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) as that can mimic dementia, and/or excel the worst behaviors. It's well worth having that checked out. The test is quite easy and can be done at a urgent care where they can run the test while you wait.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Can you rule out an UTI? That certainly can escalate that type of behavior. Dementia is also a factor in amplyphing existing behaviors.

You can step away from your current POA and trustee but unless your mother legally gives your husband those duties it won't be transfered to your husband.

I am curious if your mental and physically wellbeing are being comprimised why have you not followed the advice of your counselor with creating boundries? Sometimes you need to step away from a toxic situation and let her thrive or crash.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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It’s possible that dementia is on the scene now as her paranoia and rudeness is accelerating. Dementia often exaggerates long time behaviors. Regardless of it being dementia or not, your first priority is protecting yourself. The boundaries aren’t for mom, they are for you, and as such, no one can violate your boundaries without your permission. Don’t allow it again. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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My advice is to treat her like a prickly client. You might not be able to stop being her POA, but you don't have to say anything other than, "Okay, Mom" when she starts ranting against you. Or you can hang up. Or say, "We've been over this before, so I'm not going to have this conversation again." My mom is also mean, bitter and downright nasty. I don't give her any emotional response, though. She's just a duty.
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Reply to TeethGrinder65
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Since she's always been mean I would do what the counselor advised and put up clear boundaries. The boundaries are for you to defend. She will be enraged that you have them and will try to batter them down. Don't let her. Be relentlessly consistent in defending them.

You will need to seriously ponder resigning your PoA. You see how she is now. She's not going to improve or even stay at this level. She will become uncooperative even in unsafe situations. If you resign your PoA then the strategy will be to report her to APS. They won't act right away but they will refer her case to a judge who will eventually assign a 3rd party guardian and they will get her to do the things that you can't. It's a solution. We were grateful to have this solution for my jerk SFIL.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Lander22 1 hour ago
I spoke to the attorney yesterday and he advised me to let her figure everything out on her own. That once she has to lay in the floor for two days after a fall, she might consider some help or being nicer. I doubt it but she respects my husband so I guess he could be POA if he would do that. At least it would take the pressure off me
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Your Mom just sounds old and mean, and possibly really jealous of you. I don't see how adult kids put up with that crap either. She's not having cognitive issues, she's just plain mean and jealous.

Just block her, avoid her, and do your own thing. Life is too short to waste time and energy dealing with a mean, abusive, senile elderly parent that tries to compete with you or control you.

Mom knows she's old, you aren't and she is simply mad at life and how it played out. Set boundaries all day long, but mainly just force her out of your mind, and it will get easier with time. Save your money on the boring counselor and go get a manicure or something that makes you feel good.
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Reply to Dawn88
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If your counselor always tells you, for years, to put up boundaries, but you haven't (based on your other posts as well as this one), then you're wasting your money on counseling. Just block her calls, live your life without her harassment, and surrender your POA so you don't have to deal with her anymore. You deserve peace and it seems that you'll never get it as long as you stay so enmeshed with her. Can you and your husband take a nice long trip and see how pleasant life can and should be without all her harassment?
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