Does the guilt and sadness when visiting the SNF where mother resides ever go away?

I wish I could say it gets easier. My Dad thought I would take care of him which I did for years but when he began falling, refusing to go to the doctors, refusing to take medications, refusing to allow help come into the house, etc, he eventually ended up in the nursing facility. (All my fault) He has been "mad" for over 2 years now but he does participate in activities and overall, and he is doing o.k. I believe when he sees me, I remind him of how his life was years ago and he wants that life back. I go to talk to the staff and make sure he has everything he needs or wants. It may help to focus on the positive things of staying where she is (i.e. not having to take care of a home, cooking)

Have you considered staying away for a while?

Maybe take a two week break; talk to the NH about having her meds assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if there is any adjustment that can be made.

YOU have done nothing wrong by taking care of yourself and trying to live your own life.

Hello Weary. In my case, no, the sadness and guilt remain. I know in my brain that continuing to care for my parent in my home would kill me, but in my heart, I want to. Dementia is a cruel disease to deal with because you continually are beaten down emotionally by a person who cannot help the behavior and doesn’t remember causing any problems. My father recently died after living in a facility for 6 months and my mom appears to be declining rapidly as well. The guilt & sadness coupled with the grieving are overwhelming. I think if the parents remained in my care, they might be doing better and my dad may have not died, but then I have to remind myself, I would have died trying to save them. It’s a no win situation and I’ve found there’s either guilt or sadness by putting your loved one in a facility or anger, and sadness if you move your loved one in with you. (I’m speaking about loved ones in the late moderate to early severe stages which are typically the folks who are in the facilities.) It takes a village to care for a person who needs 24/7 care who is mobile and who doesn’t understand what anything is, where anything is or how to use everyday items without hurting themselves. You have to keep telling yourself that at least your loved one is safe and fed and unfortunately that has to be good enough. Alzheimer’s and dementias aren’t like other diseases where you can explain and logically approach a game plan. You are constantly dealing with different personalities and behaviors all within the same person who is living in a reality all their own while you are trying to live in a different reality. My heart goes out to you and all others walking this path.

Is her depression being treated?

It sounds as though your mom has a raft of mental health issues and knows how to push your buttons.

Your mother has been assessed as needing 24/7 care. You cannot provide that at home without her paying for a great deal of in home help.

Does she have the funds for 3 shifts of caregivers?

Contrary to what she seems to believe, providing for her old age was HER responsibility, not yiurs.

I so know where you’re coming from. It is so cm,n for the parent to say it’s all our fault. Been there and have the t shirt. Just knowing you aren’t alone in that regard should help. So very common!! Go and enjoy your life and realize that she’s had her life and she is just wanting to make you feel beholden. She’s in a safe place and guess what...you CAN'T fix her..and never will. She’s in charge of her emotions not you. Tell yourself that over and over until you believe it and it will make it easier. Once I realized I can’t make my dad happy (as much as I wish I could), it became easier to have a life. Once I realized he had a pretty damn good life up until he was 96 and he fell and broke his femur and that when he was my age he was out dancing, traveling and having a ball, I no longer felt responsible for his happiness. It’s a lie we "fixers" tell ourselves. So my advice...go have a life before you keel over. And if you do, guess what...mom will manage without you. Go for it sister!

Good evening, Wearygirl,
Both my parents share a room at a nursing home. Every time that I enter the facility, I ask God for His grace, mercy and power to go in with me because I often feel a sense of dread prior to my visits. Actually, I felt that way twenty years ago when they were still functioning and living in their own home.

I visit about every other day. It’s that long walk from the parking lot to the front door that seems to be so difficult. That is when I do the most praying. Once I enter, my anxiety and sadness abates and I’m on - greeting other residents and the staff, looking for my parents because they roam around the facility, and advocating for their care.

Most of the time we have an uneventful visit and I leave them contentedly listening to music or watching a DVD, or engaging in some activity with the other residents, but there are some days in which the fog of dementia clears in one or the other and they become very aware of where they are and what has happened to their life. Those times are tough.

For example, recently my mother said, “I never dreamed that I would end up in a nursing home”, and another time “I miss my house” (that was sold to pay for their care). That was hard to hear. It’s weird, these moments of clarity and understanding. It’s as if we have gone back to a time in which their mind and bodies were still capable. As if they had been asleep and awoke to find themselves in this predicament. It doesn’t last very long, and they seem to lapse back into a confused state or they get distracted by other things.

I have learned to acknowledge their feelings. It is amazing how much that seems to work. Yes, it does suck that their old age was accompanied by poor health, poor mobility, and dementia when a friend’s mother lived alone, drove her car, and took care of herself until she was diagnosed with cancer and died two weeks later at the age of 95.

Yes, it takes the sting out of it to acknowledge that life is unfair, but I don’t leave it at that. Before I leave, we say our gratitude lists, and they still have a lot to be grateful for; it just has to be acknowledged also.

The sadness does not go away, and the guilt? My siblings and I took care of our parents for over 15 years, well past the time they had already qualified for a nursing home. We and professional caregivers became the nursing home. We did this until we couldn’t anymore. I now recognize guilt as regret. Regret that they did not have a healthy, vibrant old age. I had no control over that, but with God’s grace I can bring some comfort and care to them.

I am not understanding the sweetness by your post. She sounds very difficult. I had a grandmother in a nursing home. Her mind was intact but her mobility was failing. I was very close to her growing up. It was heartbreaking for me to see her there. She had spent years with my aunt and uncle until the mobility issue arose. There was nothing we could do but try to brighten a day with a visit. She did not deserve this as she was a wonderful person in so many ways. I don't know that I am answering you but I feel that with all you have said there is no alternative. Yes you will have sad times. However she has exhibited behaviors at times that don't deserve some of your emotions
Aging poorly is very depressing
All we can do is try our best to help them while also keeping ourself sane.

My husband at age 76 was moved to a SNC due to the effects dementia has had on his body. I miss him and wish he could be at home with me, but hospice and his Dr. made me see that I could not take care of him any longer. I am slowly learning to become a wife again. He loves holding my hand and even likes to give me kisses, The time we have together has been precious to me. I can even laugh at him when he tells me to leave. It is so nice not having to be a caregiver.

She is punishing you for doing your best . The demands of love can be very toxic, especially when parents hold over our heads, how much they sacrificed to raise us.
My answer to that is i didn't ask to be born. She did not ask to be old and crippled.
No one is at fault here.
You must do right by you. I would write her and call her , as often as i could stomach, and visit once per month.

I work in an snf and know someday my mom may be a resident- I’m at peace knowing that because I know she will be safe and that is my number 1 concern. I see the adjustment process with others and it really does wind up being a positive vs a negative for most🙏Hope this brings you some comfort