Does she really wish to be left alone?

It could very well be that your mom wants to be left alone. Everyone wants to be left alone from time to time. She's probably ready to go and wants to be able to do so.
Many times a person will not let go and go in peace to the next life if there's people by them every minute. They think they have to hold on for some reason.
If it doesn't seem like she wants the comfort you're offering, then only stay with her for a few minutes and go into the other room. Cut back your visits to only once a day.

Artist, I was a hospice volunteer for a few years and saw many situations with people near the end. I don’t think this is unusual. It’s very hard to tell how cognizant people may be at this stage. I did have a couple patients express that they wanted to be alone at the end. It seems counterintuitive to us but makes sense in some ways.

As volunteers were were encouraged to wake patients up for visits. I rarely did this when folks were near the end. Even when my dad was dying, he was sleeping most of the time, only woken by a nurse now and then to check vitals and give meds. He would sometimes smile at me but I don’t know if he knew me. So I’d just sit and be with him. It was fine. He died peacefully after a few days.

Maybe when you talk Mom feels she needs to respond so gives the impression she wants to be alone. You can quietly sit there. She will sense u there but does not have to respond.

A person who suffers from ALZ and goes thru all the stages does go into a fetal position in the end.

Why do people tell you to be there? Are they following some myth about what you "should" do? You can probably interpret your mother's needs and wishes better than outsiders who think there is some "right or wrong" in how you support your mother. There is no "should" in dying or grieving.

You are a good daughter and trying to help as best you can. I would suggest that you continue to visit, to apply lotion, to tell her you love her... I would also suggest that you make sure not to put your life "on hold" as you are waiting for her passing. You need to have the companionship of other family members, friends, members of your faith... You need to take care of your essentials: sleep, nutrition, health care, work... Until your mom stops eating and stops drinking, she can continue this way for long time. When she refuses food and drink, you know she has about a week.

Your mom is probably more bothered when you are just sitting next to you and "staring" at her. If so, encourage her to rest while you apply lotion or read something soothing.

Sadly, she is biding her time until she passes.

Maybe your mother is ready to start her journey out of this life. Continue to see her everyday if you can. If she seems to enjoy the lotion keep doing that and maybe just listen to music with her.
She knows you are there but probably conversation is too much for her.
God bless.

Being there is about all you can offer. I went through this with my Dad when he was ready to die. If caregivers make sure she is comfortable (not lying in feces or urine) and has familiar music, all you can do is bear witness. Tell her you love her and perhaps that it is ok for her to go. It is a good death, one we can all hope for, not terribly painful or a horrible tragedy.

❤. What do *you* need?

I am sorry you’re at this point with your mom, yet AD is quite ugly, so when those affected are able to leave that mind and body that no longer works for them it’s a blessing, really. You pray they’re not afraid to let go, and that doesn’t seem to be a problem for your mother. It’s not necessary to sit and make conversation every time you visit. Just holding her hand or simply saying, “I’m here with you, rest easy now” is enough. At some level she knows you’re there, you care, she’s safe and it’s ok. As our LO’s prepare to leave us they don’t require food, may decline fluids and will sleep tons more. She will likely be in the company of angels, see or talk to deceased friends or family, even if she’s not fully conscious. This is a beautiful thing, really. Just let her find her way; she’s not alone. The hospice folks are tremendous and will help you with Mom’s journey. Stay strong and God bless you for being there. We should all hope to have a LO who cares as you do when our time draws near.

The notion of somebody being able to control the moment they pass away is about as real as Santa and the Tooth Fairy, to be frank. The body wants to live. It's going to do all it can to survive. There is no on-off switch an elderly dying person can simply flick for any benefit. When it's time, it's time. There is no willing yourself to hang on or hastening the arrival of death. If a person could control death, it serves to reason they could control their maladies as well. I know it is comforting to believe in some supernatural power they may have at the end of it all but it's not real. Give her time. She's still processing the whirlwind of change for her that came with a new residence. Just keep doing what you're doing by massaging her with lotion which in turn gives her that sense of familiarity with your human touch. Her surroundings may seem strange to her. Hugs and touches bring back the familiar in a psychological sense. Just be ready to leave the room before she asks you to. Ask her when you're done applying lotions and stuff it she wants you to leave now? She might have a change of heart if she believes it is a choice you're putting before her and not a reaction in frustration in her mind that you're not perceiving her discomfort with the situation quickly enough. Good luck and God bless all. Give her time, space and extra courtesy.

Just keep going to visit. My 97 yr old dad says hi and glad I came tgen says what am I going to do or I'm hungry.
Sleeps most the time too.
Loves a milkshake and having his feet massaged.
I just stay a while and let him sleep or do whatever he wants during my visits.

She may be waiting for YOU to tell her IT IS OK to just sleep forever. My father in law did the same thing but refused, it seemed, to actually die until he was given PERMISSION to die, and told that everything will be ok, all (you kids) will be ok, and SHE DID GOOD in this life. Tell her all the good she did, then tell her you are leaving and it is ok for her to also leave.

My father in law hung on until my mom finally left the room and I told him he did good in this world, and promised I'd take care of mom after he goes. He died before she came back in.

you seem to be doing quite a bit and I don’t believe there are “ formulaic answers for everything.
sometimes just sitting quietly will be perfect.
She may on occasion speak to you but she is well aware of your presence and your love.

Sounds to me like you are a "good girl." Not much else you can do. She appears to be at peace, and that's what we all want for ourselves and our loved ones.

I can only imagine how exhausting it is for an Alzheimer’s brain or dementia patient and as the disease process progresses it simply gets harder for their brains to process. Wether living in a time and space from the past or simply trying to make sense of who’s in front of them and what’s happening now it takes energy. Physiologically our bodies shut down various organs to preserve energy our respiratory systems to provide oxygen, our hearts to pump blood and our brains to direct those functions. Everything takes energy and processing takes increasing brain energy as the pathways shut down. The closest thing I can relate to is when I’m working on something important that requires a lot of concentration most of the day and then can’t understand why I. So tired since I haven’t gotten up out of my chair all day! Same scenario when I’m trying to concentrate on something important and there’s all this other noise in the room so it takes me twice as long! This is what I imagine it’s like when the normal pathways in someone’s brain are no longer there and they are trying to access the files that enable them to grasp what’s going on. It’s hard, exhausting work. I don’t think most brains are equipped to block out the noise, if you will, they are programmed or conditioned to take in information from all of our senses as well as our memories, process and react or send out responses so it isn’t a choice to receive the sounds we are hearing and process them somehow or “recognize” the face in front of us wether it be friend or foe and yes when our brains are hurriedly performing these functions because the processing is backed up it fills in the blanks as best it can and makes mistakes. Like speed reading we only actually process every other word and our brains string them together based on what it knows. The compromised brain looses its ability to catch the mistakes and go back to correct them. Maybe this is why many people go back to childhood or some other time in their lives, it’s simply easier to process than keeping track of this present world. When your moms brain no longer had to do something with all the extraneous stimuli she was able to relax and be peaceful.

I remember the feeling as a child of safety and love just curling up in my mothers arms while she stroked my hair and as I got older that feeling only happened when she just let be curl up with her no making me talk about it or even think about it just the ability to be while snuggled up next to her. As we become adults it’s harder to just trust and let go this way, be a child and received as well as give comfort without any need for explanation. The only times I can really say I have felt close to that way again as an adult is on two occasions when I was very ill and let my mother comfort me this way again. It is often pointed out that as our elderly dementia stricken loved ones digress they become more like children, maybe that enables, those that let it happen anyway, to experience that pure comfort, love again before they pass. I hope you can take take great joy in the fact your mom responds to simply having you rub lotion on her and sit quietly holding her hand maybe reading her a book sometimes, all those things that make bedtime so special with our children. Maybe this is also why you get the negative reaction when you try to engage her or ask her to make a decision and a positive one when you make the decisions for her without speaking, your giving her the control to speak and the love to enjoy the moments with her.

This time is for you as well. You need to be taking care of yourself and you can now with her safe and cared for. If you need to spend less time with her because of life commitments or simply emotional drain, take that time, do whatever you need to to get the most out of this time with your Mom because that in turn will give her the most out of this time as too. Listen to your instincts about what’s best for each of you, they sound right on so far. 💜

I’m sorry to say I believe she’s actively dying. She’s also withdrawing from you to make her future demise easier on the ones she loves. My mother did the same. At the end she withdrew and would say “ go home”. I stayed and climbed in bed with her and held her when she took her last breath. I’m thankful I could give her that comfort even tho she was trying to shield me from the pain of seeing her die. Sit and hold her hand. Pray with her and tell her it’s “ ok to go and you will be ok” I have no regrets tho I miss her every day.

This does seem like the end is beginning to be near. Personally, I would not force her to do anything she doesn't want to do - let her have the peace. If you want, sit with her and let her know you are there - I think she will sense that and be grateful. Peace to you.

Your mother may be going through a stage where she doesn't want people to "bother" her. Keep visiting and be as loving and caring as you can, even if you just sit with her and listen to music, or massage her and make her more relaxed. Don't ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do, if possible. My mother, who is in a similar state also enjoys going out to the patio. The aides help me get her into her wheel chair and I wheel her outside.

Enjoy the peaceful time with her. With dementia, the world around her is confusing and it’s difficult to make sense of it. The simple act of being there and quietly visiting with her, shows that you care for her and that she’s not going through this season of life all alone. Big hug!

When my Brother slept a Lot I would Visit In The Hospital and Just watch Him sleep . He would sleep at My House for Hours after chemo and when I checked On Him he would be smiling in His sleep . My Mother on the Other Hand did Not Have a good death . be thankful Your Mother feels safe . Right Now My Dad doesn't eat to do much . If he sleeps in I don't worry . be thankful she is sleeping .

I am sorry to hear this as it does seem like your mum is ready to go and it is hard for you. However you have been so kind and considerate and your mum realises this. I would continue to do the things she seems to enjoy and sit quietly beside her when she seems to need peace. Be kind to yourself as well as to her, you are doing a great job.

I will be very interested in the answers you get as I'm currently going through the exact same thing with my mom in Memory Care- I live out of state so it's a bit of a project to get there- and she does seem to vary between the points you describe between sociable and anti- social. Difficult. thank you for raising the issue!

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this because it sounds like she is already in the stages of dying. It's a tough issue to face but with God's help, you will get through this. It's nice that you want to sit with her.

Yes, please sit with her and hold her precious hand. I lost my poor mother in April and so wish I could hold her hand again. Take a picture of her hand in yours.

I just lost my mom to Alzheimer's. She had a bit of a slip and went to the ER to be checked out. When she came home that was the last day she spent up in her chair. From then on, next 4 months, she was bed ridden. The last 2 weeks she slept alot. She loved having her hair brushed and lotion gently rubbed on her hands. She didn't like to talk a lot but loved listening to music and listening to us reminisce about stories she had told us and family memories. As time progressed she ate very little and took in few fluids. Her hospital bed was next to their bed so I lowered her bed and would lay next to her holding her hand. It seemed to give her peace. Sometimes we would sing Christmas Carol's. The main thing to remember is she is not who she was. She doesn't mean to be angry. My mom would use language when being rolled to change her that she never used and would have been mortified to hear herself talk like that to people. It's a difficult time. Key to remember is to just tell her you love her and give her permission to let go. That if she's tired it's ok. You all will be ok. My mom kept repeating that she wanted to go home even though she was home. Just spend time and try and have patience. You don't want to have regrets. Be proud of yourself for bringing her home. She will rest easier now. My heart goes out to you and your family.

ArtistDaughter: Imho, yes, you should still visit her. Your mother is a sweet lady, who unfortunately is ill and the comment, "I'm a good girl" is endearing. Many prayers sent.

Stay with her. Talk to her when you feel like expressing love etc. i dont know about saying youll miss her tho ... that may cause her to try to stay longer than she really wants to. Read her a favorite book or news items if she was interested in news.

she is possibly more aware of things than you think.

I agree with what the caregiver/nurse has told you. Your mother's behavior is not unusual for someone in her condition. She is on Hospice because she is nearing the end of her life, hard as that is to accept.

Sit with her, but don't feel you need to talk a lot. I think she appreciates your presence even if she doesn't seem to. Her response that you are a "good girl" shows that she knows you love her and she appreciates you. Don't feel you need to spend long periods of time with her...just brief visits that require nothing from her. Don't be upset and don't take it personally, if she seems to rebuff your attention at times. She's just not up to complying with what others expect (or what she may sense they expect) of her...and that's OK. We will all likely be in that situation some day.

Talk to the hospice nurses. They are usually quite experienced in this sort of situation. Ask them about anything that bothers you. Ask them any questions that occur to you. Part of their job is to help YOU, not just your mom. This is a difficult time for you and you are handling it well. Blessings!