Does saying "no" to my mother-in-law for minor issues make me a jerk?

You are not the only person she can call. I am sure she has her sons phone number. Block her number during certain hours if you don't trust yourself not to answer when she calls and it's not a good time.

She is not alone...she is in a facility and has others family members she can call.

Do not feel guilty.

Amyn73: As she resides in a managed care facility, you should be able to state the priorities to her and that you will not be available every time she calls.

She has a whole facility full of people to take care of emergencies. You are taking care of non-emergency wants (not necessarily needs). Decide in advance which days and hours you are available to help her and stick to that schedule. Let her know you are willing to do _____ when you have time, which is on ______day. Let her calls go to voicemail since they are not emergencies and call her back when you have time. Use more time to care for your husband and children who need you most right now.

How about requesting a state appointed guardian so that you can step out of her life and let someone take of her, who is willing and paid for the service?

I don't care if her children are out of state and your husband doesn't have a close relationship with his mother. She's HIS mother. It's absolutely ok for you to say no. "Helping out" DOESN'T mean shouldering responsibility. If she was YOUR mother, I might understand, though I hope that if you have siblings they'd help too. But you shouldn't be responsible for her. Get your husband and his siblings together on a conference call and put your foot down. Remind them that THEY are her children and THEY need to step up to the plate.


Good Luck,
Colleen Pell.

I would make a habit, several times a week, to contact her children and update them. Out of sight, out of mind makes it easy for them to not be responsible. the more you do that, the more one of them may actually see themselves and how much they DON'T do, when they see how much you do. Your husband included. Also, include her loneliness, the fact that she 95,and even be bold enough to say to them, "Well, I just don't want you to have any regrets when she dies". Why not? I did.
God bless you, and I promise you, you will end this journey with no regrets. But I do implore you to speak boldly to them in that vein.
As far as saying no, just say, "I'll call Suzie and ask if she can help take you there". And DO IT. If it isn't going to hurt anything and she wants an icecream sundae with whipped cream and lots of fudge on it, get it for her. At this point, she's earned the right to eat what she wants. :)

First of all you're not a jerk! Husband not helping using the old worn out excuse he's not close to his mother is not acceptable and expecting you to do the deed is not fair.
Either he gets involved or you step back. If he refuses to deal with his mom, does he get the groceries, deal with the kids, cook meals, do the laundry etc when you are dealing with his mom?? If not, then refuse to care for her.
Hubby has a good thing going and the faster you figure that out, the faster you can do something about it.
I have a real problem with husbands expecting their wives to care for their moms while he can come home saying he's had a tough day, sit down, read the paper, and ask what's for dinner, what time is dinner or why isn't dinner ready. Then after dinner, it's up to you to do the clean up. I've lived that life.
He needs to be involved in his mother's care instead of you. Like it or not. If a grown man can't handle being screamed at by a 95yr old mommy, he needs to grow up.
There is nothing wrong with helping when you want... but helping when you don't have the time, energy or sometimes just don't feel like it etc, you need to stand your ground and keep saying "not this time" and say it every time. Good luck to you and hope hubby knows what a gem he has and treats you accordingly.

Many good, caring, thoughtful, expert (been there!) replies; ignore any shaming replies because they have not walked a mile in YOUR shoes. It sounds like you are one of we 'soft hearted' people who, as my mom used to say 'wears their heart on their sleeve', highly sensitive, and also tries to 'fix' things. The trap is 'overfunctioning'...you are just one person, who deserves their own fulfillment and has many essential responsibilities; stop bending over backwards to meet MIL's demands. It may be time for a family meeting with MIL's own children hearing in plain language what you are dealing with, and you calmly bowing out of ALL the worry and hard work. MIL's children must deal with her, even if they have 'excuses' to not be involved; in this modern time, much can be done even 'long distance' so her children, all adults, must get creative and come up with a plan. You have accepted the role of sole caregiver up to this point but you can give it back; guilt? for what? being one person with finite capacity? NO. Say No to yourself! You let yourself become a 'doormat' to some extent; and seems MIL's children have been OK with that. It's not OK; if anybody's a 'jerk' it's the others who are allowing you to be drained by all the responsibility. A caring thing for MIL is to have her children come up with Their Plan for her care. Bless you for your efforts thus far; now shift gears and let others do their part. You feel sorry for her, but she dishes out emotional/psychological abuse to you when it could very well be her anger over her estrangement from her own children...you can't 'fix' that; consider urging her to call them instead of you; forward her calls if you can so that everyone gets the picture in very clear terms. You may worry your DH and his sibs will be 'disappointed' in you but So What? They will have to step up; sadly, many people really do have to face the results of dysfunctional relationships; we must see these situations as 'cautionary tales': learning opportunities so we don't repeat them in our own lives. You cannot make up for years of issues with MIL and her kids; don't pick up the 'slack' anymore.

Agree with others who say there are times you just can't answer the phone and caller will have to wait for a return call.

On the flip side of that is a 95 year old woman. If you think days fly by for you because you're busy, we have to remember that 95 years has passed as if in a moment. Time is running out quickly. While the 95 years went by in the blink of an eye for her, sitting all day waiting on something/someone is time in slow motion. My mom would say the weekends were the longest days of the week because her children were out and about and she usually didn't hear from them.
She had long since forgot that she didn't do personal calls when she was on the job. As people age, I think the circle of concern does become more personal (probably not intentional selfishness) and any strange ache or pain may weigh heavy on their mind. What worked better for mom was a brief phone call - just so she heard the voice of her kids.

Perhaps start a routine with all the children - one calls about 9am (after the morning meal), another call midday and one call in the evening before her day ends. Nothing long winded - just a 'thought I'd call - good morning'.

I've heard some people say they aren't going to call every single day, but I say why not. Prior to being an in-house caregiver, I arrived at work early and called my mother every single day. Less than 5 minutes on the phone and then ended it by letting her know 'the work was already rolling in, so I'll call you later. I also called her every single evening and had her call me when she was settled into bed. The evening call had more content - the bed call was just so I knew she was settled in without problems.

To be clear, I am not saying you should feel guilty. Would just like to share another perspective. People in AL or other facility may be surrounded with others who can help but it doesn't mean they aren't lonely.

Sick and old people can "regress", or become more childlike in their behavior. Have you been around children whose parents have difficult saying "no", as little as possible I would guess? Learn to say no, I can't, I will look into it, talk to you tomorrow, I will think of it, etc.

It's good of you to oversee your MIL's care, when her own children are not doing it. You have to create your own boundaries, protect your health, and you have many other responsibilities to take care of. Please don't feel guilty if you are not superwoman. Would it be possible to hire an aide to take her to the clinic for minor things? Her facility probably has a list of aides who do this. You can tell her that you have other commitments and need to do this from time to time, but that you'll help her make other arrangements. Don't pick up the phone every time she calls. Remind her that there is staff at her facility that can help her. All the best to you and your mother in law.

Yes. The end. ❤

Your husband isn't close with her, but you are?

Yeah, I don't think so.

Tell your husband to get off his sorry behind and step up like a man.

(And no, you aren't a jerk.)

Thank you everyone. I felt certain that I wasn’t being a jerk but my heart tells me that I should take care of her. But from what I’ve read from all of your comments, I need to care for her within boundaries. I can do that!
*Update -my MIL screamed at my husband last night because he didn’t answer the phone promptly and this was really the window her thinking about us and what we represent in her life-servitude. That needs to change. We are planning a discussion about it.

Your MIL lives in AL precisely so she can get the assistance she's paying an exorbitant fee for every month, so you don't have to be at her beck and call 24/7!! The nurse at the AL checked the ear, meds have been requested from her doc, so a trip to the clinic is superfluous. MIL can wait to see the AL doc next time s/he comes in if she so desires! Put the ball back in HER court when she wants something unreasonable. MIL has all she needs at her AL, she just wants more attention than she's getting, or someone pandering to her every need at a moment's notice. Being waited on hand and foot isn't something she's likely to get, sorry/not sorry. If there's an emergency at the AL, they'll call 911 then you or dh and you'll meet the ambulance at the ER. In the meanwhile, I'd pick a day a week to go visit the woman and tell her to save up all her requests for that day and you'll see what you can do for her. You're not a jerk.....mil is too needy and demanding you ask how high when she says jump!

Best of luck!

It is the responsibility for adult children to do their best to ensure that an elderly parent is safe, clean, and comfortable. The children and spouses are not required to provide the care needed for those goals to be met.
Assisted living provides 24 access to assistance, helps with all of daily needs, including for socialization, nutrition, etc.
Her adult children (and perhaps their spouses) need to step up and increase visits and calls to her - she wants to know that her family has not abandoned her, and hearing familiar voices and faces is a comfort to her..even if the experience is difficult for the rest of you. Politely ending a call or visit when she starts to complain is effective.
Your kids need to see elder care as a family responsibility..shared...and to have a mom who is a bit less stressed.

100% your aren't a jerk.

No, you are not a jerk. Your are a compassionate person who should have set boundries from the beginning. There is a reason why your DH and his siblings don't do anything for her, because she drains them.

Your MIL is an AL where most of her needs are met. All you need to do is get her toiletries and maybe depends. Start backing off. You do not need to be at her beck and call. Sit down with her, look her in the eye and tell her you will need to cut back. Tell her you have a f/t job, children, a home and you have school. Because of this you cannot be at her beck and call. Any problems she has she needs to use the staff. To her things are "right now" but she needs to understand that things happen in your time not hers. You are doing her a favor. There should be no guilt, you are doing what you can and she is lucky she has you.

I see no reason for a companion, she needs to socialize and join in. You need to ignore her calls. You can block her. You can set ur phone to Do Not Disturb then set it for only persons on your contact list will ring thru, taking her off ur list. She can still call but will go to VM. If not an emergency, you do things in your time. "No sorry, can't do it now but will pick it up next time I am out." She is fed 3 meals a day and snacks. She is bathed and dressed. And if anything happens she has a nurse and staff .

I understand ur husband not wanting to see her but he can run her errands for you and you drop them off to her. I would also tell the RN that you can get Mom to ENT doctor when school closes. Before then it is not possible.

No is a one word sentence.

When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive (Boundries by Townsend and Cloud)

As part of backing away, you may want to give MIL an exact day that you will be available.

“MIL, you’re free to leave messages on my phone. I’ll be very busy with (insert kids’ needs here) for the next while. I will be happy to visit on Wednesdays. We can address your next week’s needs on that day. On that day, I will make sure and point you in the direction of whom, at the AL, can help you.”

Next, put her number on “do not disturb”.

Do not back down on this boundary. If you do, you will be back where you started.

Report back, as you are able. We’re cheering you on. 🏅

You're definitely NOT a jerk, but you likely are someone in need of expert professional help. I would get some counseling to deal with your feelings as they aren't really appropriate to the situation imho. The MIL's own son has backed away, but you, related only by happenstance, are expressing guilt, rather than the more appropriate grief. If we think that we are in charge and capable of curing all problems in the world it is a sort of hubris; we are failing to see the big picture in which not everthing can be fixed. A therapist will help you comb all of that out. We often see this sort of syndrome in children, but seldom see it in inlaws. Do get help for yourself so you can enjoy a quality life; there's lots of good things on your plate, but it IS quite full. Your MIL is in care; to fail to recognize that you aren't responsible for everything will be a huge help for you.
Wishing you the very best. Those of us who are by nature "caregivers" sometimes need a tuneup to be reminded we can't do it all, and it is a mistake to try.

Whatever you do for your MIL, you should do because you want to do it or feel called to do it and not because you'll feel guilty if you don't do it.

If you are burning out, then this is the signal that you need to replace your attention and help with that from someone else or some other approach. You can start by engaging the facility to step in to do things they are able to do for her. You can decide that you shop for her once a week (or every 2 weeks). You can hire a companion for her that she pays for out of her own funds (assuming your husband is her FPoA).

Then, you can have a discussion with your husband letting him know that you're done being the sole point person and that he needs to discuss with his siblings what they plan to do because your last day will be XX, 2022. If he gets upset or mad you will need to explain that you are burnt out and wish to move on with your life. Whatever you do, if you "resign" you will need to do exactly what you've told them you'll do and do not go back to being the point person. You may even delete your phone number from her phone so that she only has your husband's. If she calls you hand the phone to him and walk away. If you don't do this you are enabling the situation to continue.

Many people are "assumed" into caregiving, so your predicament is very common. But you control how it goes forward. Work on not feeling guilty for anything that transpires after you resign, as you have done yeoman's work to this point and can feel good about it. May you gain peace in your heart!

You cannot continue to provide all this help for MIL. Your children and husband(?) are the priority. Not sure about husband because he is allowing you to kill yourself taking care of his mother. Is he aware of your true feelings?

Do what you can from a distance, online,
do not answer all her calls and let her leave a message. If husband does not want to participate in her care let him hire a PT caregiver to see to her needs outside what AL provides.

Set some boundaries and take care of you!

You're a full grown adult with an education. Why don't you use logic and common sense to make your decisions instead of asking the forum for its blessing? Only you knows exactly what is going on in your house by taking care of your MIL. Why do you have to rely on the opinion of people who only have a glimpse of you daily reality? Go ahead and decide by yourself what you think is right under the circumstances. No one is going to shoot you.

No is not a four letter word. I've been learning how to use it more and am sleeping a lot better at night.
My goodness, you are being stretched tighter than a guitar string ready to snap! This is too, too much for one person to do, family, children's needs, work, and a demmanding MIL? Seems like others have stepped away from her, and don't seem to feel guilty at all about it-can you find out why and when from them? Otherwise, take a long, quiet walk, think about your priorities in your life. Write them down. Put that paper away for a few days, then look at it again. You might be surprised by what you really want from life as opposed to what's going on now.
As you can see by the replies (so far) most folks here want you to get off the guilty train of thought and actions and take care of yourself.
Keep us posted!

It’s not right that your husband has you doing the work. Did he think his mom would love you while she didn’t get along with him? This isn’t your job.

Gradually step away from her.

" I am the primary helper as two of her children live out of state and my husband is not close with his mother."

Why do her children get to bow out? Why isn't she living near one of the two who live out of state? Is she close to one of them?

Feel no guilt. This isn't your mother. She sees you as a servant.

Enough with the guilt! So many of us are overwhelmed with it. I’m trying to learn to shed it myself.

I’m part of the sandwich generation too. Three kids still in school. I couldn’t be there literally 24/7 as requested and I faced my mother’s wrath, which I washed down with a mug of guilt. You don’t say if she has dementia. It’s well established that there is no reasoning with some people.

Re: the guilt. Let’s say you want to go to the local yarn store before the big sale ends. But your car is in the shop, so you ask your neighbour for a ride. She says she’s busy today but she’ll drive you tomorrow. Do you think your neighbour should spend the rest of today feeling guilty that she can’t drive you today? No, and neither should you when you can’t fulfill your MIL’s non-urgent requests.

Plan a response. “(insert name or role) at the ALF is there to help you with that. I’ll follow up with you about it when I visit next (insert day).”

Repeat ad nauseum or ignore a call or two. It won’t be easy because you’ll heap guilt on yourself for not answering or jumping into action.

When your hypothetical neighbour said she couldn’t drive you to the imaginary yarn store until tomorrow, did you think horrible things about how selfish she is? How she should have dropped everything to fulfill your request?

If your MIL is of sound mind and rips into you for failing to immediately fulfill her every want, you have a very self-absorbed MIL. Old dogs can learn new tricks, and she can learn that you will assist her on your own terms. Or she can complain a lot to anyone who will listen. Save yourself.

Met an outragishly demanding woman today. Daughter visits. Hello, how are you Mother. Holds hand. Get updates from staff.

She had hired a private caregiver for Mother, for ? hours per day/week for Mother's laundry list topped by listening to complaints, arranging her things, making her look good. Not sure if it included transport as the lady lived in high needs AL.

Would a private pay caregiver/companion 1 -2 x week work for your situation?

I suppose we all want someone who is our 'person'. Someone to listen to us & care.

You work fulltime & have not much desire for a closer relationship. I think it reasonable you look for ways for MIL to have her needs met with less burden on yourself.

The whole reason she’s where she is is so she can be assisted with living. By people whose job it is.

If the AL does not have a medical van, they can connect her with whomever does. Same goes for shopping. There are also same or next day deliveries.

I advise that you start weighting your visit time toward group activities. The senior will be showtiming as peers are incentivized to come over and say hi. They’ll get an instant popularity boost, as often having a family visit is the most prestigious thing ever.

it might encourage her to see that the whole world is not you, but Is pleasant nonetheless

No you are not a jerk! I get that your hubs is not close to his Mom, but why does this leave everything to you? If he dosen't want to deal with her, why do you get all the "fun" ?