Hi this is a touching situation, my dad has been put in a nursing home by my older sister, she has power of attorney and had his sister send her a cashiers check of my dads savings 20.000 my dad told me he wants us to both have power now , because we just got him from florida to ny he was alone for years, and Id call her every day saying to get him here...now he is finally here and she is trying to exclude me and my children for example fathers day she is having him at her daughters house and told me n my kids to go see him on saturday...Im frustrated n very hurt... I wanted to get part of that money to get a house for my dad to live in with me and i would have gotten him some home health care....Its breaiking my heart that she just wants to leave him in that cold facility. while im willing to give my dad the tlc he really needs in his last years. he is getting a bit forgetful but still told me he will talk to her... Im not sure if he will forget or not...can you please help me make sense of this
It sounds like you can take him out of there for visits, so don't get hung up on the day for Father's Day...any day can be Father's Day. Look past the details and enjoy your dad where he is. Go visit with your children. Bring him favorite foods, take him out for outings if you can do that...$20k won't last very long in most nursing homes (maybe 4 months), so soon he'll be on Medicare. Maybe offer to help your sister file the paperwork for that if it's necessary. Make your sister your ally and not your enemy.
1) Now that he is finally here, go visit him! Make that "cold place" more cheerful and comfortable for him. Talk to him on the phone often (if he can do that). Send him little cards and cartoons you cut out of the paper, etc. Be there for him.
2) Dad may or may not be able to change the POA, depending on his level of competency. But PLEASE don't agree to share the POA with your sister. Then every decision has to be agreed upon by both of you, and that sounds like it won't happen often.
3) If your sister is using that 20,000 for anything but Dad's care she could be in serious trouble. She is responsible for spending it on his care and needs. Even if she wanted to she couldn't simply hand you half. I wish I had $20,000 extra in my checking account, but really, it won't last long in providing his care, either in a NH or in a private home. This is NOT like an inheritance you are supposed to split. It ALL has to go to Dad's care.
4) Dad has some genuine impairments, or he would not qualify to be in a nursing home. Maybe you could take care of him at home, but maybe not. That doesn't mean you can't give him tender loving care right where he is.
5) Dad will be much better served by you and your sister working together on his behalf. You both will be, too, but if you can't get past these conflicts for your own sakes, try hard to do it for Dad.
Best wishes to all three of you.
And you could possibly be right.
But generally people who are prone to fall tend to fall no matter where they are. A fall can happen while your back is turned, while you are cooking dinner, while you are taking a shower. My husband fell more than once when I was with him. I am sorry that your father fell and injured himself. I am sorry that my mother fell and broke her hip. This is a harsh reality, but sometimes nothing but restraints will prevent all falls, and restraints are their own set of problems.
He is down to 88 pounds? When did the weight loss start? Is he regaining any weight now? Again, sometimes being in a loving home environment helps with such things, but not always. I understand that serious weight loss is common in COPD, especially emphysema. Even breathing takes more energy. Weight loss and broken hips can occur in loving homes as well as in care facilities.
Why is your father 2.5 hours from you? Is he near your sister?
If your sister has broken federal law to hide some money for your father, I think she is doing you a favor not having you involved! Of course, I do not know that is what she has done and if she hasn't explained it to you then you perhaps don't know either. As Pam advised you, forget about the money.
Does your sister know that you would like to have Dad live with you? Does she know what a hardship it is having him so far away?
Based on your father's weight, I'm wondering if Hospice has been suggested. Do you know?
I volunteered at a nursing home on Christmas Day and the people that I saw there on that holiday were stellar. That's not to say they're all that way, but they can be. Your dad made your sister his POA and so you have to work with that and do the best you can. And if she's cheating Medicaid, you are lucky you weren't involved.