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Hi this is a touching situation, my dad has been put in a nursing home by my older sister, she has power of attorney and had his sister send her a cashiers check of my dads savings 20.000 my dad told me he wants us to both have power now , because we just got him from florida to ny he was alone for years, and Id call her every day saying to get him here...now he is finally here and she is trying to exclude me and my children for example fathers day she is having him at her daughters house and told me n my kids to go see him on saturday...Im frustrated n very hurt... I wanted to get part of that money to get a house for my dad to live in with me and i would have gotten him some home health care....Its breaiking my heart that she just wants to leave him in that cold facility. while im willing to give my dad the tlc he really needs in his last years. he is getting a bit forgetful but still told me he will talk to her... Im not sure if he will forget or not...can you please help me make sense of this

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Lisa both my father and my mother have fallen in their own independent living apartment, so it has nothing to do with being in the nursing home. My dad started falling when his health went downhill when he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He just didn't have the leg strength to keep him standing as he got weaker and weaker. If your dad is down to 88 pounds, it's likely that his medical condition may be causing his falls. What was his weight when he was healthy?

I volunteered at a nursing home on Christmas Day and the people that I saw there on that holiday were stellar. That's not to say they're all that way, but they can be. Your dad made your sister his POA and so you have to work with that and do the best you can. And if she's cheating Medicaid, you are lucky you weren't involved.
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lisa05, I know you are sincere in believing that you could care for Dad better than a NH and that he would not have fallen in your care and he would not be down to 88 pounds.

And you could possibly be right.

But generally people who are prone to fall tend to fall no matter where they are. A fall can happen while your back is turned, while you are cooking dinner, while you are taking a shower. My husband fell more than once when I was with him. I am sorry that your father fell and injured himself. I am sorry that my mother fell and broke her hip. This is a harsh reality, but sometimes nothing but restraints will prevent all falls, and restraints are their own set of problems.

He is down to 88 pounds? When did the weight loss start? Is he regaining any weight now? Again, sometimes being in a loving home environment helps with such things, but not always. I understand that serious weight loss is common in COPD, especially emphysema. Even breathing takes more energy. Weight loss and broken hips can occur in loving homes as well as in care facilities.

Why is your father 2.5 hours from you? Is he near your sister?

If your sister has broken federal law to hide some money for your father, I think she is doing you a favor not having you involved! Of course, I do not know that is what she has done and if she hasn't explained it to you then you perhaps don't know either. As Pam advised you, forget about the money.

Does your sister know that you would like to have Dad live with you? Does she know what a hardship it is having him so far away?

Based on your father's weight, I'm wondering if Hospice has been suggested. Do you know?
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pamstegman you are right to stop thinking about money One thing Ive always hated and could not understand is how people get so wicked over it and diisown families and murder :( Its so sad
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yes bi annie you were not seeing the cruel people that work in nursing homes
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I always loved my sister dearly and still do , but mom use to make me her responsiblity and she resents it and more untill today she told me that sadly :( My dad does have emphezema and prostrate enlargement, it was not until he went to a assisted living ended up falling n breaking his hip and has no idea how it happen another reason he be better off with family plus he is down to 88 pounds You call that taking care of him? but now he is in a new one I pray is good :) We are briging him foods and deserts and all to make him gain weight, He told me he rather be in a house with me then there.. I do visit and call him all the time....but she moved him 2 and half hours from me and i have to take the railroad n cabs 40 a day can get costly, If i wanted to go daily which I would love to do :) I hear horror stories about nursing homes thats why I want my dad where he will be surely safe and Loved, I thank you for all your advice, I havent mentioned this to my sister thats why im looking for advice I dont want a family war I just want whats right...she already got my dad on medicaid so im wondering where the savings is going since she made them send it in someone elses name to hide from medicaid ..I Never been one to worry abiout the money issue but I am his daughter too and i feel we should both be able to have access to it buy him things.And I was never even asked if i want dad in a home/ I do understand and want him in rehabilitation until he is strong enough.If i see him strong and thinking right why would I want him in that place I worry about him when Im gone and cant be sure they are good or evil caring for him....
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I'm just repeating what others have said, to add a little weight to the advice.

1) Now that he is finally here, go visit him! Make that "cold place" more cheerful and comfortable for him. Talk to him on the phone often (if he can do that). Send him little cards and cartoons you cut out of the paper, etc. Be there for him.
2) Dad may or may not be able to change the POA, depending on his level of competency. But PLEASE don't agree to share the POA with your sister. Then every decision has to be agreed upon by both of you, and that sounds like it won't happen often.
3) If your sister is using that 20,000 for anything but Dad's care she could be in serious trouble. She is responsible for spending it on his care and needs. Even if she wanted to she couldn't simply hand you half. I wish I had $20,000 extra in my checking account, but really, it won't last long in providing his care, either in a NH or in a private home. This is NOT like an inheritance you are supposed to split. It ALL has to go to Dad's care.
4) Dad has some genuine impairments, or he would not qualify to be in a nursing home. Maybe you could take care of him at home, but maybe not. That doesn't mean you can't give him tender loving care right where he is.
5) Dad will be much better served by you and your sister working together on his behalf. You both will be, too, but if you can't get past these conflicts for your own sakes, try hard to do it for Dad.

Best wishes to all three of you.
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Lisa, forget the money, it cannot be given to anyone, it has to go to his care. Please check further about what his medical condition is, because nobody goes to a Nursing Home just for being "a little forgetful". Nursing Homes are for serious medical conditions that need 24/7 care from skilled professionals. You have your hands full raising children, a very demanding job. Go see Dad on Saturday with your kids and enjoy that day as your very own, one you won't have to share with anyone.
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Lisa what is preventing you from visiting your father in the nursing home and giving him the TLC there? Is there something I'm not seeing? If your dad needs 24-hour care, a nursing home may be the best place for him right now.

It sounds like you can take him out of there for visits, so don't get hung up on the day for Father's Day...any day can be Father's Day. Look past the details and enjoy your dad where he is. Go visit with your children. Bring him favorite foods, take him out for outings if you can do that...$20k won't last very long in most nursing homes (maybe 4 months), so soon he'll be on Medicare. Maybe offer to help your sister file the paperwork for that if it's necessary. Make your sister your ally and not your enemy.
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I hear you i hope there is something I can do,, If i get half of the money first thing id do is get a place for me and dad to live and a good home health caregiver ..:( broken hearted
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