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If my mom and I have an outing planned,she is like my best friend! Happy,on the ball,very lucid. But if its just an everyday kinda day,she is nasty and critical trying to get me be angry at my husband,whiny,needing help to do everything,and making mental lists of tasks for me to complete for her. I s she really THIS manipulative?

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I believe it. I'm sorry to say, people like this do belong in the Hoo Hoo Hotel.
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What the...? It's got to be a Poe.
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This all sounds so familiar! My Mom has been this way for several years, but it seems to be getting worse now that she's living with me (or maybe I'm just more aware of it)! A few years ago a close friend of mine passed away unexpectedly & when I told my Mom she simply said "Oh. Do you know what someone said to me in the cafeteria?" My husband had a severe infection last Fall; he was in terrible pain & one side of his face swelled up like he had a jumbo egg in his cheek. My Mom happened to be in the hospital at the time & when I told my her about it, her response was "That's nothing, I asked for water & it took them 2 hours to bring it to me!" (It had only taken a few minutes!) A nurse & a physical therapist now come to the house twice a week. If there is the slightest change in plans, she is livid! She was angry even when the therapist showed up 4 minutes early! She was angry when the 85 year old volunteer's car broke down & she couldn't come to our home to give Mom Communion. She said the woman probably knew the car was going to have problems & should have called her sooner! I'm an only child & have no one to else to turn to for help & although I try not to let it get to me, it can be very difficult at times.
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Shakingdust how about you taking a live in job as a nanny/housekeeper - room, board and salary. Small children are easier to deal with and hopefully the little beasts go to school during the day (sorry I'm not the motherly type). Once you've got your job and a start date inform Her Royal Highness and deadbeat bro of your departure date, then they're on their own.

Once you've moved don't give them a contact phone number or address, just an email address so they can't harass you. One of the staff at the NH told me yesterday that if I hadn't gone low contact with my narc Mommie Dearest a few months ago I'd be dead by now - a sobering thought.

You can get out, even if you have no money! You must take care of yourself or these evil beings will put you in an early grave.
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Right now my tongue is bleeding because I have to keep biting it listening to her foul mood... Lol
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It's all about me, me, me - the centre of attention. When I visited my narc Mommie Dearest in the NH yesterday she was on a downer, whining and complaining, just wanted to stay in bed and sleep - she refuses to associate with other residents "You can't talk to them because some can't speak much and they're all looney" - and she is any different?? - and stays in her room with the door closed. She always refuses lunch as she wants room service (yeah, really, and she's not getting that) but by the time I left she was at the table for lunch, smiling and perky because she got some attention. It's sad really but I still will only go once a week.
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Yup, boundaries are key, otherwise you'll go nuts. Walk out of the room, hang up the phone, turn the car around and take them back home if they start giving you an attitude when you're driving them somewhere, whatever it takes, as long as you don't yell, hit, or run them through a wood-chipper.
Narcissists hate to be ignored. Hate it! They need an audience like the rest of us need oxygen. When my MIL started acting up on a recent visit and calling me some things that sounded very surprising coming from a genteel Southern lady of some eighty summers, my husband told her she couldn't speak to me that way, and if she did it again, we'd leave. She did it again and we left, much to her surprise. Set boundaries and enforce them gently but firmly, every single time. After awhile, they get the picture.
It's like training a puppy or a small child.
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I am a paid caregiver, and I also have to set boundaries.... there seems to be the mind set that because I am paid, that gives leeway to abuse.... not so.... just this past week I told the lady I work for " I can ask you a question without having my head snapped off !" and went outside..... I do my job and I do it well, but under no circumstances do any of us have to be abused...... set that boundary and stick to it !!! Of course they may get angry.... so what... better them than us on any given day !!!! This job is hard enough without having to be mentally abused in the process.... no, you are not alone.... !!!
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Looks like a lot of families have the same thing we have. It is hard on the everyone in the family.
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Yup, we ALL have the same Mom, Dad or spouse! This shows how common the human condition is, but even so, we all have to live. Setting some boundaries is necessary. And get rid of the guilt no matter if you are a "hands on" caregiver or a person who is responsible in some other way.
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Madge!!!Yes!! I broke my foot in March,and when I got back from the ER,all she could talk about was back in the old days when SHE thinks that she 'broke her ankle'!!Every conversation is redirected to be about her!Arghhhh...
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I am starting to think someone cloned my mother. Seems to be an awful lot of her out there. And she is one manipulative and narcissistic piece of work.

Set your boundaries, your mother will not get better with age. :)
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Wow,you guys know EXACTLY what Im going thru! It good to know that Im just a freak that isnt doing it right.Mum has always been manipulative,she will nag and complain until she gets what she wants.I mean,like,every couple of hours,"ave you done..?"And her stock answer to everything is "No!"..Then,she will taste/try/look at something and love it,and act like it was her idea all along...sigh...
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i agree with cheryl,
get right in the elders ass when they mistreat you UNLESS they are ill with dementia. a dementia patient is truly helpless to control their moods and delusional thinking. its a maddening mental illness and can drag you down with it if you dont develop a helluva strategy. took my mom to town today to find something comfortable to sit in. not a chair in the store would work altho they were american made recliners from 225.00 to 250.00 . i know we wouldnt be buying a chair before we left the house but we went thru the charade anyway. on the way home instead of shoving her out of the car on a bridge i told her we could go back at any time and look at the chairs again. mine was the preferable strategy considering how much of a fuss is made over murder 1 in this country.
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Maybe. I think sometimes mental impairments may affect how a person reacts to others. However that is not an excuse for your mother's manipulative behavior. Certainly it is possible to reinforce guilt-tripping, "how can you be so selfish" crap, et cetera. I'm going through that and I'm seeking professional help (going to a family counselor today) in how to deal with it. If I hear anything good I will pass it on!
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You ask a very good question. I personally feel that we give older people too many "outs" when it comes to unacceptable behaviors. The behaviors may be harmless, but often they are abusive and make other people around them miserable. Many times these behaviors are intentional and not the result of any disease other than rudeness. I think it is okay to call them on it. They may get mad for a few minutes, but that is better than everyone around them having to live in misery.
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Yes, she can be that manipulative! And you need to call her out on it just like you would if your kids were doing it. "Mom I know we don't have any plans for today but please stop it! We are not here to entertain you. Yes, you do know what I am talking about (if not in dementia). Stop whining, ...." If she get mad and won't talk to you or goes in her room that's okay. Don't put up with manipulative behavior it only get worse because she figures out she can control you.
Make a list of at-home things she needs to so do so she is not a loose ends. Keep it handy and add to it when you think of things.
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