I help my mother-in-law (age 83) care for my father-in-law (age 84). He has been diagnosed with acute dementia from a blood sugar drop back in 7/2019. He improved from where he started but seems to be at his baseline now. My mother-in-law is constantly telling him to "sit down, be quiet, stop it, don't do that, you ARE home, etc. At first she would get very angry and argue with him. She has calmed down some but still very much trying to direct what he is "allowed" to do. All of us kids (their son and daughters) are more frustrated with her and her management of him than we are with his dementia. She is NEVER alone with him. Someone is with them 24/7. She wants us there to help her with him, but is sporadic about letting us deal with him. She does best when her son, my husband, is there but he works so can only be there in the evenings.
Scolding, bossing, controlling, whatever you want to call it (I'm glad that she's no longer getting actually angry and arguing) - what your MIL is doing is unkind and unreasonable, and it does amount to *unintentional* verbal and emotional abuse of him. She needs to have a rethink.
The trouble is, though, that you have to take into account that what is most familiar to him may also be reassuring for him, in a way. With her, at least he knows where he stands. Say, for example, your MIL went for training-for-caregivers and came back transformed into a ministering angel, your FIL might even be disconcerted by that!
So what to aim for is a gradual adjustment in her approach and the way everyone supports them as a couple, with the focus on how to take the stress and heartache out of the situation. Don't criticise her or blame her; instead, acknowledge how she must feel (which must be both complicated and painful for her) and then suggest a more positive way to handle whatever she's facing at that moment.
E.g. suppose FIL keeps getting out of his chair to leave the house on a cold winter's day. I expect MIL's strong preference would be that he didn't do anything so idiotic and would just sit down and behave himself; but best practice is to go with him, helping him to put on appropriate clothing first.
Actually... there are training programs for family caregivers in a growing number of locations - is there anything like that near you? Has your MIL had any support or advice (from outside the family, I mean) to help her in her new role?
First your MIL needs to come to grips with the fact that the man she knew isn't coming back, then she needs to carve out some time to recharge her batteries completely away from the cares and worries of her daily life. It may be wise to begin to explore other care options for your FIL so a plan is in place if/when it all becomes too much.
I would suggest that when someone comes over to help out, tell you Mother In Law to go to go take a break, go to lunch or shopping, visit a friend, ect.
During this couple hours alone time with your Dad, one can get more of a realistic idea how it is for your Mom in law 24 - 7.
It would be even better if you spent a 24 hr day.
After you spend a 24 hr day or weekend alone with your Dad, you will probably think totally different regarding your Mother in Law.
It's tough to have diminished capabilities of your own while being expected to know how to handle the new normal of her husband. My dad was infinitely patient with my mother, but I had no idea how hard it was for him until I moved in to care for them last year. Even he didn't know how hard it was, and after he died last year I took over Mom's care. She's doing better than she has in five years because her care is in the hands of professionals.
My dad was the best person I've ever known, and he was honoring his wedding vows caring for my mother, but he also could have honored her by getting professional help. Your mom needs that, too.
An estate planning attorney told me last year that with 80% of his clients he sees the healthy spouse die first. A week later, my always-healthy dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and was gone in just six weeks. I'm sure the stress of caring for my mother contributed to his demise. (He wouldn't have done things any differently, though.) Don't let that happen to your mom -- get her some help.
When my father-in-law, in his lifetime, would tell us he smelled rain and we needed to go out and round up the cows, we didn't argue with him. My oldest son, still in school at the time, was especially understanding a helpful. He'd simply say, "okay, grandpa. Mom and I are going out now to round up the cows." A moment or so later, father-in-law had forgotten all about the cows anyway and was on to another subject.
No, your MIL should not be yelling at your FIL or telling him to be quiet, to stop it, etc. etc., but chances are, she's too self-centered to stop doing so. What she SHOULD do is get educated on the subject of dementia by watching Teepa Snow videos, reading, Googling, coming to this Website, etc., but she probably won't do that either, if she's anything like my own mother. I'm sure this situation is not easy for her, but it's her new reality so the more she accepts and learns, the better off BOTH of them will be. She can speak to her PCP about some Xanax or something to calm her nerves until she can better accept what's happening in her life.
I never spent ONE day not feeling aggravated with my mother for the miserable way she treated my father, especially during the last year of his life when he needed her most. I feel your pain, and can only hope that your MIL is still teachable.........still loves your father enough to think about HIS needs instead of her own 24/7.
Best of luck and here's a big HUG for you this evening.
This is still a pretty new situation and your MIL doesn't seem to have enough understanding of the situation and/or tools to deal with her new reality.
For her sake, as well as his, your husband will be able to give her some education, like the videos others suggested. And you can all maybe get on the same page of how to redirect MIL in how to more calmly deal with FIL. Maybe it can also be done through modeling some better ways of dealing with his new behaviors that she is finding disconcerting.
I know one of our neighbors went through this. The wife used to get very upset when hubby with dementia would tell us stories and they were wrong! NO, that's NOT right. It happened in 1970 not 1999. NO, it was X not Y. Meh, in the big picture, who cares? It made no difference to us if the story was right or wrong. But took her some time to also realize that it didn't matter and that he couldn't help it, etc.
Maybe someone should take MIL out for lunch, a walk, shopping, to a movie, etc. to get her a break from FIL. She may not think she needs it but I can't imagine that it wouldn't be good and calming for her. Does she have friends she can visit? She could use a diversion, I think.
She can not stop him from pacing, talking, or doing any of the other things that he is doing.
(when kids used to ask me why my Husband was sad, or making noises I would ask them if they had friends in school that had Autism..they would usually say yes and I would ask if they made noises or did other things like pace or rock, I explained it was sort of the same thing and that this was a way that my Husband would calm himself if he was stressed..their brains just don't work like yours or mine)
If you can not get your MIL to understand this is not something her husband is doing to aggravate her, it is something he can not control. There are support groups that might help her understand this.
I hesitate to suggest placing FIL in Memory Care but if he would get a more calming environment that might actually be better for him. But that would also separate MIL and FIL from each other.
I also am not one to suggest medications for everything but there are 2 people here that might benefit from anti anxiety medication. MIL may relax a bit more and not stress about her husband, FIL might also benefit as it might calm some of the noises and the pacing..just a thought..
It only makes the situation worse. Listen to concerns or compaints, make them feel safe and comfortable and redirect into a calming activity.
Not easy to do but helps if you just play into what they are experiencing in the moment and then redirect.
I wasted 2 years arguing with Mom, until I got my brain to accept that her brain just wasn't there anymore, not in the way I was used to. Not her fault, but family can really push those buttons!