I haven't met anyone who really knows what honoring parents means. To me it means to live in a way that makes them proud of you. For children it may mean to obey them. I think we get to a point in life that obedience doesn't make a lot of sense. If they led good lives, it would be okay to follow their lead.
I do not think that this means to sacrifice overly for them when they get older. I do think that care is a good thing. It doesn't mean we have to do everything with them or do everything for them. Life doesn't work like that. To me an adult's obligation goes down the line to their own children. What is given up the line is not an obligation, but is done out of love and caring.
I had the same problem with my divorced mother. major holidays were the worst time when we just wanted to be with other family or friends. I once had to ask my in laws to invite her because she was pulling the poor me I don't know how I am going to spend the holiday. She actually did have friends she could have gone to. One time we actually went to my father and stepmother and that caused a major pity party. most we did not tell he if we were going some where as she did not live close enough to know we had gone. Of course you don't have to include her in everything but be kind about it
I feel if you would have included her before, you may want to include her now. She probably has good memories of past times, and would enjoy new ones. However, if you are going to do things with the ILs she would not have done prior, then just be quiet about it!
I'm a widowed mom. I'm always pleased when my family wants to include me in their doings -- grandchild invited me to their barbecue this weekend. I'm supposed to be taking it easy and I got offered the lounge chair and a pillow. This was from the husband of the daughter of the daughter of my late husband. (My step-grandson-inlaw?) Isn't that sweet?
But I do not expect to be included in all their family events.
My sister is a terrific hostess. Often she invites me to her parties. Sometimes her parties are limited to her (large) immediate family. I don't get into a snit when I'm not invited.
I'd be very hurt if I were excluded from a wedding or other formal family event. But other than that, I find it perfectly natural that family events get configured in many different ways, some of which will not include me.
How recently was your mom widowed? How long has she been in IL? I can tell you from experience that the path toward a new normal is not a short nor easy one! Adjusting to being a widow takes time.
I do not think that this means to sacrifice overly for them when they get older. I do think that care is a good thing. It doesn't mean we have to do everything with them or do everything for them. Life doesn't work like that. To me an adult's obligation goes down the line to their own children. What is given up the line is not an obligation, but is done out of love and caring.
Of course you don't have to include her in everything but be kind about it
But I do not expect to be included in all their family events.
My sister is a terrific hostess. Often she invites me to her parties. Sometimes her parties are limited to her (large) immediate family. I don't get into a snit when I'm not invited.
I'd be very hurt if I were excluded from a wedding or other formal family event. But other than that, I find it perfectly natural that family events get configured in many different ways, some of which will not include me.
How recently was your mom widowed? How long has she been in IL? I can tell you from experience that the path toward a new normal is not a short nor easy one! Adjusting to being a widow takes time.