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But I do not expect to be included in all their family events.
My sister is a terrific hostess. Often she invites me to her parties. Sometimes her parties are limited to her (large) immediate family. I don't get into a snit when I'm not invited.
I'd be very hurt if I were excluded from a wedding or other formal family event. But other than that, I find it perfectly natural that family events get configured in many different ways, some of which will not include me.
How recently was your mom widowed? How long has she been in IL? I can tell you from experience that the path toward a new normal is not a short nor easy one! Adjusting to being a widow takes time.
Of course you don't have to include her in everything but be kind about it
I do not think that this means to sacrifice overly for them when they get older. I do think that care is a good thing. It doesn't mean we have to do everything with them or do everything for them. Life doesn't work like that. To me an adult's obligation goes down the line to their own children. What is given up the line is not an obligation, but is done out of love and caring.