They say that anyone caring for a person with dementia or Alzheimer’s actually puts them at a high risk to get it themselves.
My mom now has dementia which really went full scale after her stepson took her husband, who had Alzheimer’s, away against their wishes. My mom took care of her hubby all by herself for many years after her hubby was diagnosed.
Last year my mom was having mild cognitive issues herself when her hubby had a mini stroke. He recovered with no ill effects. Dr said he could go home, but his son took him away and stuck him in a nursing home. Then he proceeded to cash out his all dad’s annuities that his dad had left to my mom.
My mom and her husband were both mobile and could independently take care of themselves. They both just needed reminders, etc. Assisted living was appropriate for both of them.
Now that stepson isolated them from each other, they both have deteriorated. Mom is super depressed and cries all the time. Her husband looks awful now and has lost weight. He would get upset and want to go home with my mom The stepson will not agree to let them stay together.
I cannot seem to find answers from any legal advisor to see if what the stepson is doing is illegal or it is some kind of fraud for self gain. I feel he is taking advantage of his dad and abusing his rights as a POA. He most certainly has hurt my mom.
The step son and his wife have a history of preying on the elderly.
Any suggestions or help from anyone is much appreciated.
There is no requirement for an annuity or CD or savings account to sit untouched till the owner dies and then go to the named beneficiary. Withdrawal or full cash out is allowed. Annuities are assets. Over time what one’s assets are can & do change. Annuities get defunded. Jewelry gets gifted. Homes get sold. Assets mentioned in a will can get sold, transfer or get lost before the person dies
If the hubs is in a NH, it’s imo unlikely that a NH will have him there unless he shows needing skilled nursing care services. There would need to be a review of their health charts by a gerontologist or a geriatric RN & SW, along with an in person evaluation, to determine what was at the time his appropriate facility placement. Personally I don’t think you can say that “AL was appropriate for them” unless you can based this on an at the time needs assessment. Elderly postStroke & dementia imo not a good combo for being able to do ADLs required. They need to be able to do things on their own in AL and not co-dependent on the spouse to just be there 2 help them.
Fire drills are often used as a standard for if ok for IL & AL. If dad could not get up and out and into the parking lot or grounds within minutes of the alarm going off, all on his own, he’s not suitable for AL or IL. My moms IL (which had a AL & NH as well), used fire drills as a big determination as to needing higher level of care.
What I’d be more concerned about is what their finances are looking like for private pay to continue for each of them and for how long. As their child, that is something I’d ask the stepson POA about and with some sort of projection for 2022, 2023 on their finances. Now to December is a good time to ask on this, as they are both getting their awards letters from SSA, retirements, pensions, etc before end of Dec. These state to the penny what income will be starting Jan 2022. If it’s looking like they will be out of $ soon, then what is POAs plan? Is it Medicaid applications for them? If so and where they are now does not participate in Medicaid, then what facilities is he looking at to transfer them into? Annuities have to be withdrawn/defunded OR have the annuity beneficiary be changed to the State to get LTC Medicaid eligibility. You’d probably be very unhappy if you found out that the beneficiary was changed to the the State to get them Medicaid eligible. So if LTC Medicaid is in POAs plan, defunding them over time way ahead of Medicaid application is a very good thing.
its your folks, you should be able to ask POA what the plan is & get answers. If he stonewalls, then you file for guardianship.
I am sure the stepson, who is his dad’s POA, told the police that investigated it when the stepson wiped out the joint checking account and cashed out all his annuities that the money was taken to take care of his dad.
That would have been fine if the stepson had kept his dad and my mom together like they both wanted instead of separating and isolating them which devastated them.
Mom’s husband and herself were both mobile and needed no physical help even after her husband had the mini stroke. The medical records even noted there was no residual physical effects from the mini stroke.
But now that 10 months have passed I think they both have deteriorated mentally.
My mom’s husband can afford private care for the rest of his life thanks to my mom. Her husband stayed in her brand new home that I had built for her the entire time they were married. He paid nothing but utilities. That is how he accumulated so much money and had put it into many annuities.
My mom who is a very frugal woman clipped coupons and took care of her husband for many years after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The Stepson was never around.
My mom cannot afford the cost of private care with her small income. She will not qualify for Medicaid help either because she is married to a man with a lot of money and lots of assets, but thanks to stepson has zero access to.
I have tried many times to talk to stepson about keeping them together. It would cost less for them to be together, but stepson will not agree to it. If I move my mother to same place her husband is so they can be together, the stepson will have to agree to it. He told me my mom was not his problem. He is a greedy monster that only wants his dad’s money. My mom’s savings will be gone soon and I have no idea what in an do to help. I cannot afford the cost of private care.
All they wanted was to stay together. The stepson said his dad will eventually forget my mom. This all has devastated my mom.
I do not know how to help my mom now.
Why do monsters like the stepson always get away with this stuff because of a piece of paper that says POA on it?? The wife has no rights?? The stepson forced his dad to sign this new POA. How can that even be legal if his dad had Alzheimer’s and was in a lock down during the covid thing?
He also isn't the next of kin -- your mom is. Call the police if you have to. He's exploiting a vulnerable adult.
I am sure the son did something shady to cash it out. My mother’s husband has Alzheimer’s. Every time my mom’s husband says he wants to go home, the son says no….says his dad does not know what he is doing. I guess the only time he knows what he is doing is when the son makes him sign papers?
I cannot get any legal help at all. I am in Ohio.
https://burnerlaw.com/changing-beneficiary-designation-using-power-of-attorney/
Also here it states that "the power of attorney cannot make changes that would benefit the person given the POA." https://www.avvo.com/legal-answers/can-a-power-of-attorney-change-the-beneficiary-on--1407733.html
If you can't afford a lawyer, perhaps get in touch with your local Department for the Aged and explain what has happened.
Fortunately, beneficiary can be changed right up until someone dies. When dementia is involved and someone hasn't been legally declared incompetent and that is the only thing that removes their rights, it is a situation that comes down to he said/she said. POA can say dad told me to change this and you can't disprove that. Yes, a long court battle can intervene but, how much would that cost?
My state doesn't allow a POA to do anything that benefits themselves.
I would question if this is really benefitting the stepbrother or dads expensive nursing home care.
I say okay if that is so, then how can his dad keep signing things the son tells him to if it only benefits the son and hurts my mom? The son also just came over one day and took his dad’s car that his dad wanted to sell.
I could care less what the son takes as far as money as long as it WAS for his dad’s care. What angers me is that the stepson separated his dad and my mom BECAUSE he wants all his dad’s money and never once considered what his dad or my mom wanted.
He snuck and did all of this behind my mom’s back. Moved his dad to a nursing home without even contacting my mom who was her husband’s health care POA until he somehow got it changed to himself while his dad was in nursing home during the lockdown.
He also tried to change beneficiaries to himself from my mom. I know that is wrong.
Get in touch with as many government agencies that you can and say that you think he's abusing his power of attorney for his own gain. (I really wish I knew more about this stuff from a legal standpoint.)
Here's some legal-ese from the Ohio Bar Association. It specifically states that the POA CANNOT change beneficiaries (See "Are there things an agent cannot do?")
https://www.ohiobar.org/public-resources/commonly-asked-law-questions-results/law-facts/law-facts-financial-powers-of-attorney/
Also, the Bar Association may be able to direct you to a lawyer that will work with you on a pro bono or reduced fee. Not guaranteed, but worth a shot.
Of course they all say get an attorney, which none will help. It’s amazing how they each just say call someone else. I feel like a dog chasing its tail.
It is infuriating how no one will help the elderly. Caring for someone with dementia is bad enough without having to deal with greedy monsters like the stepson. I have watched my mom basically go into a meltdown after this.
I am so angry. I swear I feel like the stepson just mentally killed my mom.
She took care of his dad all these years completely by herself and now she has been kicked to the curb like a dog.
Setting aside the questionable finances, it appears to me that the POA has violated the couple's 14th amendment rights to be free to associate with family, (souses), imo.
Ir is obviously wrong, but no lawyer wants to help. I researched and it’s also documented that it is quite common for POA’s to abuse it. One site actually had lawyers that only defended the accused and NOT the victim! I could not believe it. It’s like only the crooked people can get legal help. Wow!!
Contact a certified elder law attorney, www.nelf.org and explain that you need help getting your mom approved for Medicaid.
Wouldn't that be justice for the greedy son to have to pay for moms care until the spend down is met.
There is assistance for your mom, you just have to know what that assistance is. You know going after stepbrothers isn't working, so go after husband's money to cover her care. A good CELA will be able to help you get this sorted out.
I think I have been ripped off so many times by lawyers that I’m gun shy. I do not know who to trust.
I cannot believe how much unethical stuff I have seen taken place this last year by the son and his financial advisor. The law seems to protect the perpetrators more than the victims.
As hard as I know it is to let go of your anger and the sadness of watching your mom go downhill as a result of her step sons actions it will be easier if you at least separate that from what you can do to help her right now. If her income and cash assets are low enough that she would qualify for Medicaid on her own apply for her. If her decline is enough that she needs memory care or a LTC facility of some sort make that move and let them apply for you, then the state will go after her husband for 50% (may depend on the state) of the cost. If she qualifies and I’m not sure this will work, move her into the facility he is in, if you have her MPOA/POA you can make that decision without step son’s ok after all isn’t that what he’s doing “for” his dad and use their joint income and cash assets on the application. The facility might not want to get into the middle here but worth a try, the bills go to them as a couple as they should. This will be harder since you will probably have to hire an attorney to go after her “husband” for the financial support but it’s going to scare the son if he truly is being underhanded because if he withholds the financial support someone is going to be looking closely at his dads and step moms financials. An attorney may even suggest your mom file for divorce to enable them to go back a bit further before the assets were cashed in. Whose name is the house in, know it may come into play but it sounds like you believe that was their plan as couple all along.
You do need to put aside the accusations though, it may be that the son has a history of preying on the elderly but the fact is his dad made him POA and unless there was another POA prior to the more recent change it’s not really any different in the eyes of the law than your mom appointing you POA (hope that has happened DPOA/MPOA) for her, it is the problem with blended families who don’t consider these possibilities. It’s tough enough in un-blended families! Anyway don’t accuse just proceed on your mother’s behalf as though they are drawing from marital assets, they are until someone changes that. I hate to say it but be very careful and attentive to joint accounts too. You may have to let go of the cashed in annuities without divorce or the state doing the look back. So move forward and take care of your mom but don’t contribute financially yourself, your mom and her husband have the means for aging with help from what you are saying and who knows maybe when he thinks better of it the son will decide to work with you on caring for them both rather than go through and be financially responsible for the alternative. I do feel he has the right to take care of his dad wether you agree it’s right or not just as you have the same right to take care of your mom but they are a married couple which means they intertwined the two of you when they intertwined themselves.
good luck
The son has never lifted a finger to help his dad. All he has done was lock him up in a nursing home in a chair and taken all his money.
Prior to this my mom and his dad went to church every Sunday and they were both mobile and active. Memory issues was only issue until one day the husband fell when he had a mini stroke and hurt his leg. He could still walk just fine afterwards, but was advised to use a cane or walker in case his leg gave out again..
Now the poor guy just sits all day in a chair, He has lost weight, he is ungroomed. He looks awful. It’s like since the son locked him in there he has given up. My mom has really suffered as well.
Yes…..I need to just put away my anger. I have been doing best I can for my mom.
And BTW, I think the OP has received some excellent, insightful answers.