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My 94 year old mother has occasional fecal incontinence. I am wondering how “occasional” it is when something else needs to be done.


She thinks I am crazy for suggesting any type of absorbent underwear that may help her. She is very “independent” and wants no help from anyone, especially her daughter (me).



It’s several times a week where she has fecal matter in her underwear. She wears the smallest daily panti-liner and when she goes in her pants, it doesn’t just stay in the liner. I am washing the remains out in the toilet and then washing underwear and clothes in hot soapy water in a bucket. Sterilizing the bucket and then washing the clothes in the machine.



I looked up on the forum and read several articles, but looking for suggestions from others. Are you all doing the same thing or are you using a disposable? I know it’s trial and error, but wondering what to start with? Thank You.

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If fecal matter stays in her pants, with or without a panty liner, your mother is at serious risk of developing a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). It’s a cross infection from feces to the urethra. If (or rather when) it happens, she will be very ill, and she will seem ‘mad’ to you and everyone else. You can tell her that dealing with this sensibly is very very much in her own interests.
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Tmz2467 Mar 2022
Thank You. She seems to change her garments when it happens, but a UTI happening is a really good point. Will do what we can to prevent that.
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If it’s several times a week, it isn’t just occasional.

And if she wants free help with this, she’s going to have to wear depends as opposed to a product meant to deal with the last day of a woman’s period.

Since despit her independence, she will not be scrubbing her own feces, she can go along with it willingly to be independent.
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Tmz2467 Mar 2022
Thank You. It’s good to have another opinion as you begin to question yourself when receiving pushback on everything you try to do to when providing care.
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My mom has a similar problem. She wears disposables, which helps a lot, but feces seems to come out of her without her noticing. I believe she has a prolapsed rectum, but she seems to think it’s a hemorrhoid and doesn’t want to talk with me or a Dr about it. I’m cleaning up feces in the shower and other places.

To answer your question, it’s definitely not unreasonable to have her wear disposables. I understand what you’re going through.
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Does she take fiber, stool softeners, laxatives, prunes, or milk of magnesia (or other magnesium products)? She may not need them as often. Some people defecate daily - their usual pattern. Everybody poops at least every 3 days. Maybe shoot for that as her normal.

If her perineal muscles are weak, she can not control her bowel movements. She might be a candidate physical therapy. Her doctor w=can write a prescription.

In the meantime, she would probably benefit from pull-up type incontinence briefs. There are really pretty ones on the market that will not make her feel like she is wearing diapers. A bidet attachment to the toilet might also be a good investment. It will help make sure she is "cleaner" after every visit to the toilet. It will even help her to avoid UTIs.
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You should ask your local hospital or clinic about if you could buy adult diapers, which are often worn during marathon surgeries, etc. where surgeons can't take normal breaks.
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Help on your own terms.

If your mother needs her underwear cleaned of feces and fecal matter cleaned out of her shower, she's not "independent".

I'd stop pussyfooting around this. Call her doctor and tell her/him what is happening. Ask for advice. Follow it.

Remove all her underwear and replace them with pull-ups.

Make sure she's not taking immodium and laxatives both. My mother totally screwed up her bowels with her self-medication.
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My dad 98 1/2 has this issue occasionally. We use depends. A toileting schedule helps also. Get out if bed eat breakfast toilet. After each meal and before bed whether she has to or not. It basically helps to train her bowels when to go. Or keep tabs of when ir happens and that becomes the schedule to follow. Nice things with depends in the trash they go, Get some adult wipes for clean up from Sams club. They can be ordered on line. They are lovely to use. I use a pail with a lid with a bag inside to put depends and wipes in during the day. Plus I keep a large can with lid in dads garage with a black garbage bag to place the small bags in. On trash day tie the big bag up and out it goes. Washable bed pads and oxy clean spray work wonders for night time leaks and clean up.
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Mom & Aunt use disposables.
A routine with miralax has helped my mom a lot plus removing all pepto bismal and imodium from her senior apartment. She was abusing both and pepto can cause constipation.

Aunt used Metamucil capsules & stool softeners.

Encourage them to toilet after every meal.

Remove all regular underwear from house.
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My mother has been wearing the "Always Discreet" for women for the last couple of years for occasional incontinence and she has no problem wearing it. She actually likes them as much as regular underwear.

If you mother refuses to wear them, you could try for some of the pads for incontinence.
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I have to agree with Barbbrooklyn. It’s time to remove all her regular underwear and replace with Depends. I had to do that for my LO. As long as they have access to regular underwear, they will put them on. It’s time to accept the reality that she needs them. It is unhealthy for her and not good for you to be handling this cleanup. There are also disposable pads (and washable ones) to protect beds and furniture, I also kept some in the car when going to doctor’s appointments, a leak on a car seat would be horrible. It’s time to make these changes.
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Replace the underwear that she currently has with some of the "newer" more inconspicuous incontinent pull up underwear. Disposable so no more washing out the accidents.
There are washable absorbent underwear that are "newer" on the market. Some designed for bladder leaks but would absorb the moisture from a fecal accident. Two of the brand names I have found Knix and Conni there are lots more out there, "Google is your friend" here. She may have to still use an absorbent pad with the underwear as most are designed for bladder leaks and periods, where no pad is then used and neither might hold as much as you would get from a fecal leak.
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Both my parents use disposable pull ups. My mother uses the light pink ones with some drawing on the hip area. One time she told me it was supposed to look like a tattoo. One of the funniest things I ever heard (especially from an 88 yo who would never have a tattoo. I put a drawer full in their bathroom - grey ones for him in one drawer, the pink ones for her in another drawer. Always more in their closet. I haven't officially gotten rid of the other underwear but neither of them seem to want to wear it any more. Nonnegotiable, imo, if you are doing all the clean up you described.
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I started with padded panties.  

Then heavy padded panties

She refused depends.

But the time came when enough was enough; there is no honor down on the floor constantly cleaning some other person’s sh%t.

At the advice of her caregiver I tried diapers.
Whew! No more down on the floor cleaning.
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Id say I'm done cleaning underwear and everything else. You are allowed to have your dignity too. Her dignity doesn't trump yours. Remember that. I'd say I'm done, and its time to try something else.
Id say she would have more dignity with the women's absorbant underwear. I believe they are disposable.
You have to put your foot down. Too bad if she is independent. If she is then give her a chair at the sink and she can clean them. Bet that doesn't happen lol.
Remplacement all the underwear and remove the liners. Try the new underwear.
You have to put your foot down now. Good luck.
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Disposable pull-ups such as Depends work great. You’ll still need to wash or wipe clean though or the odor will get worse
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It is first important to determine if there is a sudden lose of control (diarrhea) or constipation that might be causing retention of the fecal matter.

It may be an inability to properly clean the perineal area(?) Depending in the problem it could be a matter of slight dietary modifications (more water, fruit,fiber) or a daily routine of hygiene products (wipes, sitz bath)

(There is a type of pull-up insert called a top liner that comes wider in the back designed specifically for fecal incontinence.)

Best wishes for resolution on your laundry issue. I remember well those days :( and I hope you find a routine that works for you.
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Tmz2467: Imho, she is not independent if she cannot make it to the bathroom and toilet in time before she has an accident. Despite the fact that she denies having a toileting issue and needs no help from you, she must not understand that you are the individual on clean up duty. Replace her underpants with Depends/adult diaper.
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Tranquility Overnight brief was the product I found to be best for fecal incontinence.

https://tranquilityproducts.com/product/tranquility-premium-overnight-disposable-absorbent-underwear-dau/

It doesn’t have the highest absorbency, but I found it to be the most reliable for urinary and fecal incontinence. There are very few products thst can handle fecal incontinence. My Mom really put products to the test.
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When this started happening with my father it was a nightmare. I was constantly cleaning up… every few days. I mostly solved the problem by adjusting his diet and yes he now wears disposable underwear. I hesitated buying them but bit the bullet and just said dad, you’re going to wear these now so I won’t be yelling at you anymore. He never complained about it. I also started him on a digestive enzyme product that seems to have helped as well,
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Hello - I am incontinent because of my 2 stokes. I use adult pull-ups. They are just like panties, are disposable, and can help keep the other clothes dry but they must be changed every time she has a problem. They are very good when going out. I have Urinary incontinence. Once in a blue moon do I have fecal incontinence. I use Walmart brand - Equate Assurance Women's Maximum Incontinence Underwear. They are like panties not like diapers. Don't get the diaper ones as she wont like them. I use them everyday, all day, even overnight!
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If she really refuses to wear disposable underwear, then perhaps it is time to hire caregivers to help her to the bathroom every 2 hours to reduce 'accidents.'
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I agree with adult diapers. I would just toss out the old underwear and replace it with them. The old "wore out", probably did. Also, try a bidet addition to the toilet. Great for sanitary cleansing. And some of the stuff sold in the pet dept for cleaning up the floor and fabrics. Really helps with cleaning them and removing smell.
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I use tranquility overnight. They aborb a lot of the liquid and make clean up easier. I also use scrubzz no rinse washcloths for daily wash (they have suds when dipped in warm water) and Members Mark XL disposable washcloths (they are pretty heavy duty large wipes). Finally, I also use Febreeze to get rid of odor.
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Best thing I ever used for on a client for the overnights was an actual adult diaper with tabs lined with a trimmed down baby diaper.
The baby diapers are paper thin, but they can hold a lot. The surface stays dry too. Baby diapers are made very differently than adult diapers. They are made a hundred times better.
Your mother should try pull-ups disposable underwear lined with a Poise pad. A panty liner is going to fall to pieces if a thimble-full of piss gets on it. They are not incontinence products. Throw those away. Poise pads.
See if your mom will try some flushable moistened wipes to help her clean up better. Sometimes people need more than toilet paper.
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Disposable unisex pull up pants are ideal. Just chuck them away. Just make sure she is not sore on her bottom if not wiping properly
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