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My 94 year old mother has occasional fecal incontinence. I am wondering how “occasional” it is when something else needs to be done.


She thinks I am crazy for suggesting any type of absorbent underwear that may help her. She is very “independent” and wants no help from anyone, especially her daughter (me).



It’s several times a week where she has fecal matter in her underwear. She wears the smallest daily panti-liner and when she goes in her pants, it doesn’t just stay in the liner. I am washing the remains out in the toilet and then washing underwear and clothes in hot soapy water in a bucket. Sterilizing the bucket and then washing the clothes in the machine.



I looked up on the forum and read several articles, but looking for suggestions from others. Are you all doing the same thing or are you using a disposable? I know it’s trial and error, but wondering what to start with? Thank You.

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If fecal matter stays in her pants, with or without a panty liner, your mother is at serious risk of developing a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). It’s a cross infection from feces to the urethra. If (or rather when) it happens, she will be very ill, and she will seem ‘mad’ to you and everyone else. You can tell her that dealing with this sensibly is very very much in her own interests.
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Tmz2467 Mar 2022
Thank You. She seems to change her garments when it happens, but a UTI happening is a really good point. Will do what we can to prevent that.
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My dad 98 1/2 has this issue occasionally. We use depends. A toileting schedule helps also. Get out if bed eat breakfast toilet. After each meal and before bed whether she has to or not. It basically helps to train her bowels when to go. Or keep tabs of when ir happens and that becomes the schedule to follow. Nice things with depends in the trash they go, Get some adult wipes for clean up from Sams club. They can be ordered on line. They are lovely to use. I use a pail with a lid with a bag inside to put depends and wipes in during the day. Plus I keep a large can with lid in dads garage with a black garbage bag to place the small bags in. On trash day tie the big bag up and out it goes. Washable bed pads and oxy clean spray work wonders for night time leaks and clean up.
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I have to agree with Barbbrooklyn. It’s time to remove all her regular underwear and replace with Depends. I had to do that for my LO. As long as they have access to regular underwear, they will put them on. It’s time to accept the reality that she needs them. It is unhealthy for her and not good for you to be handling this cleanup. There are also disposable pads (and washable ones) to protect beds and furniture, I also kept some in the car when going to doctor’s appointments, a leak on a car seat would be horrible. It’s time to make these changes.
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My mom has a similar problem. She wears disposables, which helps a lot, but feces seems to come out of her without her noticing. I believe she has a prolapsed rectum, but she seems to think it’s a hemorrhoid and doesn’t want to talk with me or a Dr about it. I’m cleaning up feces in the shower and other places.

To answer your question, it’s definitely not unreasonable to have her wear disposables. I understand what you’re going through.
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Help on your own terms.

If your mother needs her underwear cleaned of feces and fecal matter cleaned out of her shower, she's not "independent".

I'd stop pussyfooting around this. Call her doctor and tell her/him what is happening. Ask for advice. Follow it.

Remove all her underwear and replace them with pull-ups.

Make sure she's not taking immodium and laxatives both. My mother totally screwed up her bowels with her self-medication.
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Both my parents use disposable pull ups. My mother uses the light pink ones with some drawing on the hip area. One time she told me it was supposed to look like a tattoo. One of the funniest things I ever heard (especially from an 88 yo who would never have a tattoo. I put a drawer full in their bathroom - grey ones for him in one drawer, the pink ones for her in another drawer. Always more in their closet. I haven't officially gotten rid of the other underwear but neither of them seem to want to wear it any more. Nonnegotiable, imo, if you are doing all the clean up you described.
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If it’s several times a week, it isn’t just occasional.

And if she wants free help with this, she’s going to have to wear depends as opposed to a product meant to deal with the last day of a woman’s period.

Since despit her independence, she will not be scrubbing her own feces, she can go along with it willingly to be independent.
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Tmz2467 Mar 2022
Thank You. It’s good to have another opinion as you begin to question yourself when receiving pushback on everything you try to do to when providing care.
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Does she take fiber, stool softeners, laxatives, prunes, or milk of magnesia (or other magnesium products)? She may not need them as often. Some people defecate daily - their usual pattern. Everybody poops at least every 3 days. Maybe shoot for that as her normal.

If her perineal muscles are weak, she can not control her bowel movements. She might be a candidate physical therapy. Her doctor w=can write a prescription.

In the meantime, she would probably benefit from pull-up type incontinence briefs. There are really pretty ones on the market that will not make her feel like she is wearing diapers. A bidet attachment to the toilet might also be a good investment. It will help make sure she is "cleaner" after every visit to the toilet. It will even help her to avoid UTIs.
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Mom & Aunt use disposables.
A routine with miralax has helped my mom a lot plus removing all pepto bismal and imodium from her senior apartment. She was abusing both and pepto can cause constipation.

Aunt used Metamucil capsules & stool softeners.

Encourage them to toilet after every meal.

Remove all regular underwear from house.
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I started with padded panties.  

Then heavy padded panties

She refused depends.

But the time came when enough was enough; there is no honor down on the floor constantly cleaning some other person’s sh%t.

At the advice of her caregiver I tried diapers.
Whew! No more down on the floor cleaning.
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