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I moved my mom to my home a month ago, she has steadily been going downhill since the first of the year. She lived in an independent housing with my sister and I going daily to make sure she was up and had something to eat. She had friends and they would get out and walk. She began not eating what we had fixed but telling us she ate it. The month before I moved her I noticed a significant change in her behavior. She was withdrawing and seemed depressed. I brought her home and have been trying to get her to eat little meals several times a day. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. She is so focused on not wanting to live here that she can’t see anything else she says she doesn’t want to be a burden, but she does not want to live alone. We start the morning with I’m at your house? Who are you? Where is my furniture? Where are my clothes? These type questions go on ALL day I distract give her clothes to fold, dishes to wash but it never lasts. She has macular degeneration on top of the dementia so trying to get her to see different things does not work, I can’t see that is the automatic answer before she even looks. She has become super negative about everything (even though she has not been a very positive person ever). I just need some ideas from someone that has had issues like this.

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How to deal with the constant questions? Bang your head on the wall? Pull your hair out?

Or, as jkm says, put your mind on autopilot. Expect the same round of mind numbing questions over and over again. Give a short answer or just some kind of a silly response from time to time to mix it up a little. It does not seem likely that your mom is understanding your answers and of course not remembering them.

Do what you can to not let it get to you. It's soooo hard and frustrating too.

Please get some helpers too! Dealing with this 24/7 is too much. Someone to come in so you can get a break. Get out of the house. Breathe the fresh air. Take a walk. Do all kinds of self care cuz you need to recharge your batteries, not put all your time and energy into your mom only.
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My short term recommendation is to put your mind in neutral and just keep answering the questions. The key is to have no expectation that she'll remember the answer or that it will ever stop. I do that with my dad. In the course of 10 minutes we can have the same conversation 6 times. My answers are now automatic and I don't have to think about them and I can do and think about other things even as I'm answering him. Keep the answers short, canned, and don't try to convince her of anything - just the facts.

Longer term you need to move her memory care. You can't keep this up forever and it's never going to improve. And with her macular degeneration it's best to get her moved soonest so she can get some understanding of her surroundings, etc. My dad has macular degeneration AND glaucoma (a double whammy) and keeping things in a place where he knows where they are and expects to find them is critical. She'd also have some activities and would be able to be with other people which would help her (and you!)
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MamaDot1922 Aug 2020
Thank you. I’ve been trying but sometimes it’s so hard to keep that neutral tone. I wish I could move her to memory care but until the stipulations are lifted to where I could go in and visit I just can’t bring myself to do it. I guess when it comes to the point that she never ever knows me it might be easier
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The best thing you can do is look into placing her into a Memory Care ALF where she won't be alone *you can get her a roommate* and where she'll have activities and meals and snacks every day. She will also be surrounded by elders in the same situation she's in, along with 24/7 care givers who are trained to care for people with memory and behavioral issues. Things do not ever get better with dementia/ALZ, they only get worse and the questions get more repetitive as all the behaviors deteriorate.

My mother will be 94 soon and lives in a Memory Care ALF herself. I've watched her behavior go down the drain even more so as her dementia worsened over the years. I can't even carry on a conversation with her anymore because of the level of argumentativeness she has. If I say white, she says black; then I'll agree it's black and she'll go back to vehemently insisting it's white. It's too frustrating and aggravating to deal with, frankly, and I could never, under any circumstances, do it inside my home. Her doctor comes weekly to visit her in the ALF, and she can complain (which she loves to do) to her heart's content to everyone there. I only have to listen to it in limited amounts, thank God. There's only so much of MY life I am willing to give up and the truth is, she's getting a very good level of care and attention in the ALF where she's at. For both of us, it's a win-win situation.

I wish I had some great answers as to how to cope with endless questions from your mother, but I don't. Besides diverting her and having her fold laundry, washcloths, etc, I don't know what else you CAN do except go into your room and put headphones on for an hour as long as you know she's safe being alone. Which is another thing about at-home care.........it requires your 24/7 attention as they begin wandering, getting into chemicals under the sink, cooking.........and other things that cause danger and concern for everyone.

Wishing you the best of luck making a decision about her future care.
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againx100 Aug 2020
Lea - sorry that your situation with your mom was/is so challenging. Bravo for you to seeing the difficulty of the situation and having her live somewhere that can handle her decline more easily than can be done one-on-one at home.

I am not at your level with my mom yet, but I see that her and I are on the exact track of your mom and you.

It's not easy, absolutely no doubt!!
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