Does anyone feel angry at times about caregiving and that it ages you?

It's natural. Caregiving can be very draining. Especially if you don't have much breaks to recharge yourself, you feel like you are running on empty. We all need a break.
What helps some people is hiring someone to help for a few hours.
All the best

Taking time out for yourself is mandatory. If hiring people is out of the question then ask family, friends, neighbors for help. Is your mom well enough to go to adult day care?

Thank you! I have thought about outside help. But sometimes easy things get complicated. If my mom suspects we r thinking about some help for me, she starts threatening me. Just like today. If she has to have help, don't bring my son back over if i have to work. Or I can get the hell out and never return. Not been a good weekend. Gets me down. Especially with noone to talk to. Why I came on here. I need to understand why this is hard.

I’m gonna be blunt...

If you continue to let your mother run the show - a’la “she’s not agreeable” and live to fulfill a promise you are ill equipped- thru no fault of your own - to keep, you’re going to wind up in the grave before your mother will.

Time for you to take a step back and make some realistic assessments of what you can do - without sacrificing your own health. Both mental and physical.

Oh boy, very familiar! I was you. Learn from my mistakes. Let go. Stop trying to do it all. I cared for my mom for decades, including her living in my home for 15 years.

I am the only daughter. I was expected to do it all. This was hard as I am married and was raising my own children. Even after my children left home it was still very hard. It is too much for one person to do everything without conflict. It’s simply exhausting!

Too much togetherness causes an issue. They still view us as their child who should obey them. They are often set in their ways and aren’t willing to make adjustments. They become more and more dependent on us.

You’re not alone. All caregivers experience these things. I’m sorry things are difficult for you. I understand how it is. Been there, done that.

My relationship became complicated with my mom. She is no longer in my home.

I wish you well. Vent anytime.

Sending a bazillion hugs your way!

Tanya - I gather from what you wrote here and in your profile that your mother is 84 y.o. with dementia. She's needy and totally dependent on you to take care of her. You have all the responsibilities, yet no power because your 84 y,o. dementia mother is running the show. You do everything she wants at the expense of your physical health, your mental health and your financial security.

YOU MUST STOP going down this path. Your mother is slowly killing you while she's alive. After she dies, she will still continue killing you from the grave, because after she's gone, you will be lost, no job, no money, and not knowing what to do with yourself and your future. The longer you are out of the work force, the harder it will be to find a job.

Tanya, you say that family won't help. Who is "family"? Do you have siblings? If you do have siblings, WHY were you stuck with elder caregiving?

What is your mother's financial situation? Do you have POA/HCPOA? Is your mother paying you?

You are only 47 years old. What kind of retirement will you have if you aren't working now?

I will comment on this thread because it has more responses to basically the same question. You don’t have POA and that would put the breaks on everything for me. Responsibility with no authority is a bad situation. But your mom hasn’t been declared incompetent, so you may still be able to get it and get a will in place. I would pursue that vigorously before it’s too late. Having POA will make future steps easier on you, filling paperwork etc. Also how are you living financially without a job? Is your Mother paying you? If so you need to get a written care agreement in place to be compensated for your care. If she doesn’t want to pay you, I would look into getting paid caregivers and start to back away. Right now your Mom with dementia and many health issues, is the captain of this ship. Doesn’t make sense, does it? What she wants, what she doesn’t want, what make her mad, the world is revolving around her. As many on this forum will attest, you need to take the wheel. At least in baby steps. In between the dr appts, get her to an elder law attorney. If she won’t go, go alone to see what your options are. A POA acts as an agent for the person...basically to help them fulfill their wishes. If you want to have the really authority to do something that may be against her wishes, you could petition for guardianship if she’s declared incompetent, but then you are in complete charge. Initially that may be more exhausting than the current state, but you would have the ability to sell her house, place her in assisted or long term care. And get out from the hands on caregiving entirely.

Yes, yes I feel that way too. You are not alone! It can get to you when your world revolves around someone else’s needs. I had a little break recently, got out to see a movie while my husband was home with his mom. She called me while I was out to say “I’m really sick. But don’t worry about me. I just wanted to let you know.” She depends on me so much and that feels like a weight responsibility. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. But you are not alone. I hope you get some time to yourself to get a break that uplifts and refreshes you. But, regardless, you can always come here to vent!

Tanya, You are stuck and that's what's causing your distress. Rocketjcat gave you exact and perfect advice. Get POA, either look for a job or set up paper work for your mom to pay you for her car. Rather than looking at the current situation with all that you have to do, and therefore can't get the things suggested done, get someone to take care of mom for a week and get those things done. Someone suggested adult day care. In most communities there are free or very inexpensive places you can take someone in need of care for the day. You might find it through a hospital. And if your sisters won't help, hire someone. Let your mom say whatever she will about it. Put your foot down. That your mom helped you through difficult times does not mean you should allow her to ruin you now. Just beginning to move on getting things in order will lift your spirits greatly.

Tanya,

I’m sorry you feel criticized by the forum and that is because you have some self respect.

I’m going to add to the criticizing (sorry, not sorry) by saying you need to assert that self respect in dealing with your mother. She is totally reliant upon you, yet she verbally abuses you?

Your roles have reversed. She is now the stubborn child and you the parent. If she can’t be nice she shouldn’t get her demands. Isn’t she the one who taught you manners?

What can she threaten you with? It would be a favor if she fired you with this thankless job.

You sound as if you are just plain exhausted. That’s because no one is caring for you. Not even yourself. She can hold off on some of her demands and allow you some space to take a breath.

charlotte

I have read both good and bad advice here. I understand your pain and feelings of being neglected. I also know what it feels like to be the sole caregiver. I have absolutely no help. Most times by the time I am finished taking care of my mother and my own household duties, I have little leftover to give to my husband. What a difference it would make if he would pitch in and help me some. Maybe instead of resenting your husband’s helping your father-in-law, you could share the load with him. That would endear you to your husband and a shared duty would be less of a burden for your husband to bear alone. Help add some fun to his and your father-in-law’s life. Bring or make some ice cream for all of you. Join in a game of dominoes. You could be be a heroine in this situation. Maybe if your husband had a little more help from you, he would have a little more of himself to give to you.

You said it so eloquently. I hear you and feel for you. I'm in a funk right now. Keep venting it helps me..... hugs....

5 years ago I was in the same situation as you as far as my relationship with my mother. The AgingCare site someone said something that changed my life. She said, "Someone is going to be in charge; it can be you or it will be her." It obvioiusly won't work for her to be in charge so you have to muscle in, stand up to her and address her by enforcing your rules. It is hard at first, but you will be amazed at how it will change your relationship. I now love dealing with my mom and her me.

I have found this site to also be really beneficial .. have you heard of the 6 stages of caregiving? Denise Brown has a wonderful site & community ..
this link takes you to the 6 stages - video for each stage - and the top in green bar navigates you everywhere through the site. I especially like the STAGES drop down & have printed out my stage as a reminder of what I am doing and what I want/need to focus on .. it is crucial that we get support in our journey & stay focus. there will always be down times... :) ♥
caregiving.com

You are doing a great job meeting your LO's needs, but your own needs are neglected. Time to address your own needs more. It is vital that you take care of yourself: health, rest, nutrition, social, spiritual... because you are as important as your LO! Your LO is not in a position to take care of your needs, but you are. Get extra help. Take respite so you can travel or spend time with friends. Make sure to get "breaks" daily and weekly "time off". I'm hoping with a little more self-care, you feel younger and happier.

Have you thought about a monitoring system? My daughter just showed me the Ring video camera and communication device on Amazon. Its a camera and a speaker/microphone so you can see and communicate with your loved one through your cell phone when you are away. My son has decided that he wants 3 cameras (living room, bedroom, and bathroom) and wants the app on all our phones. He said he would research it further and install it for us. My husband is 98% blind and has mobility issues, usually sits in front of tv and gets up to go to bathroom on his own. He falls quite a bit, so we try to keep an eye on him. I retired to become his fulltime caregiver BUT he is still capable of staying alone so I can run errands, attend events, enjoy my hobbies, spend outdoor time in the yard, and go out with my adult kids. He doesnt like to go out because he cant see good enough to find a bathroom and other issues. We have life alert, but feel like this monitoring system may be a better solution. Good luck with your situation. There is always a solution, you just have to find the one that works best for your loved one and gives you peace of mind. It is Your Life too and you need to feel good about living it.

I do understand. So very important to care for yourself first. Just like on an airplane. Sounds like you definitely need a break. Absolutely no one can do this 24/7, 365. No one. You don't mention your full situation, so it's difficult to know what to say, but I will say, take a break. Hire someone if you need to. There are many cases/stories where caregivers die before the care-ee simply because it is so stressful and difficult. And no mother wants her child to die before she does.

TanyaE,
I feel the same way.
My sibs work at outside jobs and have no idea how good they have it, the normalcy of that existence. Work would be a break.
I think about what I'll do for work when my caregiving duties are over. Aside from how enervated I am, and wondering how I'll cope upon my return to the regular world, hope that my next employer will be empathetic regarding the reason for the gap in my employment history, and hire me anyway.
I wish you well.
R27

Breaks are great. And needed. BUT I am finding that no matter how many breaks I have, I still don't have much patience. I have good intentions to be nicer and more caring and more patient and kinder but it so rarely happens anymore. I feel like a real jerk. I want to spend as little time together as possible. Our relationship is fried.

NeedHelpWithMom: "Now that mom is living with him. He’s going to see what I went through for 15 years. Oh wait, no he won’t because mom hired help for him. Never paid a penny for me to have help though."

How hurtful, that your mother didn't think enough of you to hire help, but she does for him!

When my mother was hospitalized in October 2018 and then went to rehab, I was very mentally stressed. Before that time, I would get very anxious after spending my required hours with her each week. There was no question that my health was being affected. I was angry that my brothers didn't have to do any of this. If my mother didn't repeatedly tell me my time wasn't worth anything and treat me like a child, I probably wouldn't have ended up charging the trust for my time ($20/hour). I emotionally disengaged from her, because I am simply NOT a martyr.

I would like to mention one thing you may not have thought about. Are your sisters happy that your mother is paying you to take care of her? If not, you may be in trouble once her dementia advances. Once she can no longer make any decisions, if the siblings are not on the same page, one of them can file for guardianship and take control of your mother and all of her finances. I’ve see it happen before. Your mother would have no say in the matter, because she would no longer be considered competent. You could be without income and your mother! Your best bet would be to get her to sign a POA however you can. Tell her what might happen if she doesn’t. You can’t delay much longer. Once she has an official diagnosis, it’s too late. Then she can no longer sign official documents.

Haven't been on in quite a while, saw your question and it made me remember alot. My mother passed November 2016, hard to believe but I am just getting over all of it. I remember all those feelings you describe, please take it from me, we all feel guilty, and powerless and angry. We don't sleep well, we eat comfort foods, maybe we drink too much or whatever to release stress and pressure. We wish we were anywhere but where we are. For me it was a journey of my soul, I grew up, and faced some harsh truths. What I can say is find something to enjoy love a pet, I had no people to help me being in another country, but find nature, something to love and get affirmed by. Do not waste. An ounce of your precious energy on guilt it is what it is and take care of yourself first, oxygen mask on you first. You will not burn out and age if you remember this is a process and it will unfold in its own way don't get ensnared by it, much love

This is normal to feel angry. I was already 67 years of age when I had to leave my home, family, husband, adult child, pets and move in with my mother where she demanded to live alone 7 states away. I almost broke down, but then my daughter found this wonderful forum for me and I've stayed on to help others. Mother is deceased. Prayers to you.

Maybe u picked an old picture but u don’t look old! In fact, u look very pretty! But, I hear how u r feeling. My life sounds a bit like yours, very isolated and very few breaks, for 3 years now. But she does have a will and I am gonna be ok, financially. I think this part is essential for your peace of mind! I try not to think about tomorrow (or yesterday) and just try to do my best today. And I remind myself it is not going to last forever. You are good and kind and awesome to sacrifice so much. Please get that will and make sure you are gonna be taken care of. Yes, Baby steps!

I thought I'd check in to see what's going on with others.  My stress levels are through the roof and I seem to snap at anyone who dares to challenge me.  Angry?  Guilty?  I am overwhelmed and it's obvious you are too.  If there's any comfort in knowing you're not alone, then take comfort.  You are special, you are loved and you have friends here who understand.  Don't lose hope.  💙

TanyaE: Caregiving can be tough. Please hang in there and you're welcome. Continue to come back on here for support.💞💞

Tanya, you said in a earlier post about your situation (MAN, I am SO SORRY You’ve had to go through SO much sh*t...:(. )

The thing that was glaring & you know it .. is “I tend to let people use me in relationships”.... that is not just romantic relationships - remember this “We teach people how to treat us.” THAT is why .. you’re allowing it, teaching others.. everyone, how to treat you.
I’ve been there .. you have some limiting beliefs that consciously &/or subconsciously, are letting people walk on you. I learned from a counsellor his to specifically stand up to my mom, how to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ... that means I changed & b/c of that others (my mom, husband etc ..) all had to recognize I was requiring more of myself, believed in myself more & not allowing the behaviour anymore .. it took time, bs y steps but they have all gotten used to the fact & respect me for it. Those that don’t are free to leave my life ... I can tell you, my mom & husband are proud of me, my mom sees me as much more capable & strong ... The best thing you could do for your mom, your family & mainly YOURSELF is to get some counselling & learn to stand up & set those healthy boundaries ... when your mom is gone, yo7 will still have your life. At 47 you still have a lot of life left - this is the time to take stock & grab hold of your life. NO FEAR .. let go/surrender expectations of outcomes, it is SO FREEING ❣️
Do something good for you .. learn to take hold o& yourself & your life. It may just help you get your sanity back & feel less of a victim .. I have bern there & come out the other side.
i wish you the strength & determination to move forward for yourself. I wish you ALL the best to come out on top, it may seem impossible but you CAN have a real change of attitude by growing & healing yourself first 💝
xo

Iam angry cause I have no life no friends no boyfriend angry cause I'm 46 should be doing what 46 year olds do. Angry cause my life is in hospitals and rehab angry that they have drugs to keep them alive angry I did not ask to do this. Angry a lot lately angry at mom for being this way all the meds doctors appointments just to keep them alive. Angry that things I want to do dad is retiring in October so I have my life back. I will be 47 soon the last five years mom took away from me feels like I'm stuck not fair to me. Anger builds up cause there is no escape no breaks only when she goes to the hos
ital or rehab I get a break I get no help no support. This will be the last time I will be doing any type of care angry that no one seems to care or wants to help or even take me out or get me out of the house for a while. Just angry at certain people how long can I stay angery we all need breaks but then again when no one wants to help you out.

Oh I feel ya. Take your vitamins, and practice self care... 
i would quit everything and go and dedicate my time to making the rest of her life the best it could be, and really enjoy maybe 80% of it ;) 
but I too am concerned of loosing my life while doing it, because I’m recently divorced and nearing retirement age myself in 5 years. Moms health is pretty good, and from what I understand this battle of the mind can actually last decades. So there is a little fear inside thinking I will wake up one day and she will be in eternity and I will be in my senior years, alone, with no retirement in place and my best years behind me. 
We have to keep our bodies and spirits nourished. There is so much out there to feed our minds and spirits, it’s hard to make time.
One thing I do for myself is listen to books, while I’m driving or while I’m cleaning house, even sometimes when I’m at moms, I let her know that I’m listening to something really important to me, and I need maybe 20 min while making her dinner to not chit chat so I can listen.
When frustration overwhelms me, I literally talk myself through it. Walk outside to my car and seriously, take some deep breaths... Playing worship music is another thing I do, but listen, I truly don’t feel like it sometimes, but I push myself to do it, it’s like good medicine for the soul. Take the time sweetheart, the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.

Praying over the anger, oh I feel
it, but through consistent prayer, God has helped to turn it into compassion. No doubt sweetheart, it is a tough road, truly what we don’t allow to bury us 6ft under, will for sure only make us stronger... and feeling a little like MRS. Hulk here lately. ❤️