Does anyone ever think their loved one is deceased if they are in a very deep sleep?

Not an abnormal fear.
My Husband would sleep soundly sometimes and the though did cross my mind on occasion.
Is your Mom on Hospice? If so they can help you with watching for signs of EOL (end of life) And it will give you someone to call if you have any questions. And if she dies die unexpectedly you can call Hospice and they will have someone come right over and they will make all the phone calls that need to be made.
But if you do walk in and your mom has died take comfort in the fact that she died peacefully and is no longer in any pain. A peaceful death is what we would all hope for.

LOL.... I think it likely crosses every caregiver's mind under similar circumstances. Part of coping for me was to have a plan in place for such an eventuality, once mom was accepted into palliative care (our version of community hospice) and listed as an expected death in the home it was a relief to know who to call. I think you can reach a point where you are at peace with the thought of them dying, and maybe even are a little disappointed when you realize they haven't.

I think this is probably common (I don't know what is "normal" in anything anymore!) I know when Mom was home with me, I would frequently check to see if she was breathing - heart in throat! - because she just didn't move once she fell asleep! Of course, I'll have to admit at that point (well, for a long time!) I had an enormous fear of losing Mom, so I was probably pretty reactive! (OK, so when it comes down to it, I even check my cat and dog!)

Yup, every morning, more or less. Heart in my mouth every time I went into her room first thing. You feel a bit ghoulish sidling up and poking the person just to check, but what are you supposed to think?

NeedHelp, you are much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. You are THERE. You are doing this! You're in a situation that has terribly frightening and uncertain aspects to it, and it's not surprising that you're on hot bricks about it sometimes, but you are already coping. There's nothing to say you have to take it all in your stride; in fact I think there'd be something missing in a person who wasn't troubled and sometimes fearful.

To give yourself more faith in yourself, what about looking back over the last two years or so and checking off all of the challenges and emergencies that you have brought your mother through. This is not to say there won't be new ones ahead, or that they won't be tough going, just to prove to yourself that you are in fact a person who deals with what she's given even when unprepared. Because you do. QED - here you are, still standing.

I know, because of your other thread, that you are very afraid of the last challenge there is going to be when your mother does pass away. I wouldn't rub it in, except that it is a massive elephant sitting in the corner and it's best looked at. Nobody can tell you, and you can't know yourself, how you will feel and respond when it happens. There are two things to say about it, though.

One, as above: you are a stronger person than you think.
Two: in a way, that's what this whole caregiving challenge is about - seeing your mother safely to a soft, peaceful landing. And *when* it happens, whether at home or, if it so turns out for clinical or comfort reasons, in another setting, that will be when you know you've done your job to the very best of your ability. What more can you ask of yourself?

But who do you have with you? You shouldn't be having to face this alone.

Per your entry, you're coming on from strength. It's a darn tough task to cater to the ill senior and it keeps us on edge.

As for not wanting to touch her, would a mirror held under the nose work? It would fog with breath no matter what. Hope this helps!

Oh, NeedHelp, my heart goes out to you! Why not just enter her room with a hearty "Good morning, Mom!" to see if she responds? If I were sleeping soundly and someone stuck a mirror under my nose I'm afraid I'd be more than a bit irritated with them, lol!

I agree with CountryMouse, you *are* a brave soul! Someone has said that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is carrying on in the face of fear. And that is exactly what you are doing. That makes you heroic. 🤗💖

NeedHelpWithMom...I just read today the often the breathing will be very shallow and can stop for up to a minute. so it is very possible to go in and find her not breathing.
Another good reason to have support you can call upon.

I understand exactly what you mean. But I was told by our Hospice nurse that for some people dying is a very private thing and they want to be alone. And they will wait to be alone.
All I know is I was in another room when my Husband died and all I can hope is that he was not frightened and he waited until I was not there. I hate to think that he wanted me by his side. I think that is the one unknown that I have had since his death.

Thanks everyone for letting me share how I feel and feel safe. Means the world to me.

My Mom is a snorer. When I don't hear her snore I always have to go in and check on her, make sure she is still breathing. I don't know why , but since my Dad passed it has really been a concern. I hope it's normal for the situation.

Yes...my father has done this 3 times while in the hospital, and in Rehab...rest assured he was alive, just "like he was in another place." staring straight ahead, eyes wide open....but no response. Other times he would just be sleeping and not answer...won't respond to touch, or voice, even if the nurses manually opened his eyes....it's a horrible thing to witness...you are not alone in your feelings.

I married a man 30 years older than me. Not a day went by that I didn't watch to make sure he was breathing. 33 years we were together.

Yes, it is normal.

A bit more on pets... A few years ago, while Mom was still living near me, but in her own house and basically healthy, she had a uterine infection that involved a hospital stay. She'd doted over her two pugs - Avis & Winkie (lost an eye when a puppy), littermates, 11 years old - who were her whole life, but right before this she'd lost Avis and really became fearful of losing Winkie. Of course while she was gone I took care of Winkie at my house. When I brought Mom home from the hospital to her house, I thought I'd give her a boost and have Winkie waiting for her! We went in the house, and there was Winkie curled up in her bed... I cheerfully said in a loud "announcer" voice "And HERESSSS Winkie!" Well, Winkie (slighty deaf) didn't jump up and excitedly greet Mom... In fact, she didn't even twitch! In a panic (OMG, was she dead!?) I rushed over and kicked the bed (not the dog!) several times, crying "Winkie! Winkie! Winkie!" while Mom stood there, hand over mouth in horror... Finally, Winkie just looked up, confused, realized Mom was home, and jumped up perfectly fine and ran over to her. Both Mom and I alternated between laughing and crying!

Yes, every single time DH falls asleep!!! He has: central sleep apnea & seizures from TBI & frontal lobe ischemic strokes. He basically falls asleep when he sits down for even a few minutes. Then the cycle of breathing, no breathing begins. Scares the fire out of me!!!
When he is in his chair sleeping I am concerned but not necessarily afraid. It is at night when I get anxious. Our little dog sleeps with us & alerts when DH has a prolonged apnea episode...but the time will come when that is not enough. That does scare me!

I have been with three people when they died, and I can tell you that they don't look like they're sleeping. It isn't some ghastly sight, but you can tell the difference between someone who is asleep and one who is 100% relaxed because they've died.

One morning I walked in Mom's bedroom to check on her. If she was asleep I didn't want to wake her. Her eyes were closed. I watched her chest. She wasn't breathing! I froze and stared at her chest willing it to rise. It didn't. I knew this day may come where I'd be the one to find her dead.

Horror and relief cycled through my heart and brain.

My eyes moved to her face. Her eyes opened to slits and she stared at me.

Scared the livin' tar out of me.

happens with me on a daily basis and with the sisters when they have her at their houses...i stand and i stand...watching, scary, but necessary

I was the only caregiver for my Mom, everyday for 16yrs. Pancreatic cancer took her at 87. She Died in my arms.
I'd help in hospice situations now an then. A nurse there gave me a pamphlet, “GONE FROM MY SIGHT” the dying experience. written by a hospice RN. Barbra Karnes
Barbra Karnes books. web. www. bkbooks.com
it's 2.00 very well spent. I’ve been with 6 people as they passed, wished I had this knowledge. Fear is relieved with knowledge an truth. I bought a few and gave them away, if I you can afford a couple extras to give, you’ll be glad you did.
Like is short, sometimes down to the hour. Gods speed.

Yes, my patient does not move when he is asleep. I have taken a flash light several times to check if he is breathing!

I have been with several people as they left this earthly plain. I am a planner, I need a plan, that helped me very much. In other words, what do I do now?

My hubby has Sleep Apnia (he says, "I do not!!!") several times, my body jerked awake in the middle of the night with my brain saying, "Wake Up! he isn't breathing!!!" Then, I put my hand on his chest and hold my own breath until he gulps some air. One time he didn't breath for 6 long seconds after I woke up. Once I even tried to find a heartbeat on his jugular vein. It is very disconcerting. I don't know how you stop feeling, I haven't been able to.

Interesting how my subconscious brain, the part that keeps me breathing, heart beating, not letting me roll off the bed, waking me up 10 minutes before my alarm clock goes off, also is keeping track of his breathing.

I found that while my dad was on strong medications during his Hospice care there were many moments where I found him in a deeply unresponsive state with his jaw slack and his eyes not fully closed. It certainly rivets your attention while you attempt to determine if they are alive.

At the end, I came into his room to find him in the process of cardiac arrest and gasping for air. He was unconscious. I knew we were at the end and there was nothing that I could do for him. I spoke to him and told him that I was there for him and I was going to sit next to him to be with him. Eventually, I needed to use the bathroom and while I was there for a mere couple of minutes, he died. I watched for a while to see if there was any rise and fall in his chest or pulsing in his neck. Since he had just died, he was still warm to the touch.

Before I could even finish my story to other experienced caregivers, they guessed that he died when I left his bedside briefly. In fact, the owner of the Board and Care said they often watch families keep a bedside vigil, only to step away briefly for a meal. The staff exchange knowing glances and begin to prepare for the end, as it is common for people to pass when loved ones leave the room!

I understand your anxiety about finding your mother deceased. I worried about that everyday I went into my dad's room for his 80 days on Hospice. I also was unsure I could handle being present for the actual dying process. Take a deep breath. It's not as bad as what you are imagining. As someone else noted, the look of death is slightly different than the look of being asleep or unconscious. When my mom was dying from her cancer, her face had been very lined and contorted by her discomfort. She too waited until I left the room. When I returned her face was completely relaxed and line-free. She looked the most peaceful I'd ever seen her and I'm so happy to have that memory of her. My dad died in physical distress, but no conscious awareness, so his mouth and eyes were open. That happens too but you'll be clear what has occurred either way just by watching for a few minutes.

And frankly, you know mom is going to die in some fashion whether you worry about it or not. If you plan to focus on telling your mom what has happened and offering her kind words for her journey, it will give you something to do to help you handle that moment. The moment of dying is not as bad as the moment you feel the loss. Of course, then you'll cry.

Your feelings are normal. I went through this with my mom. My husband and I were in the room and I stepped out to get some medications for her and she died with my husband there, whom she adored very much. I think she didn't want me in the room. Now I check to see if my husband is breathing a couple of times a night when I wake up. He is only 62, but has a heart condition. When my dad passed away he looked 100% relaxed and actually decades younger than he was. It is normal to feel apprehensive.

Normal! Our parents are in end of life, so of course we're wondering about the how's and why's. Of course it will never happen the way we worry or imagine it.
Yes I've thought about it too when my mom was sleeping.

I didn't let myself get to that place in my thinking process when I was living out of state to care for my late mother. I knew it would do me no good to ponder on negativity. That doesn't mean that I didn't have a heart, but how could I still be a good caregiver if I was thinking on EOL? Answer-I couldn't.

Every morning the very first thing I do is watch her chest while holding my own breath. EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING.

Every day at least 3 time a day for the last 6 years Ive been through the same fears.
Then I see a finger twitch or a heave of breath and only then can I breathe a sigh of relief...she's not left me yet.
From what I understand, yours is a normal, natural concern. My consolation is that most people's fear is to live and die in a cold, unfamiliar facility with no loved ones around. Your lovingkindness is granting that wish.
Blessings.

When someone is old (or ill), it is perfectly human and normal to see if she is still breathing. This is not abnormal. You care, you worry, you fear - nothing bad about that. I would be doing the exact same thing (and did). We cannot change the fact we are all human and some time we will all leave this earth. If you are inclined to do this, just do it and don't be afraid. My prayers are being sent to you for peace.

My 9-yo MIL (now deceased, but not at home), used to fall asleep in her recliner while watching her TV westerns, and I mean she SLEPT! Her head would droop, her mouth would fall open and she wouldn't even snore. So yes, there were times I would watch her closely, esp if I had been out of the room, and wonder: "is she is, or is she ain't?" It never frightened or worried me, though. I guess I figured there are only so many options to dying, you know? I mean there are only a certain few ways to do it. And falling permanently asleep peacefully during a nap sounds like a very good, peaceful way to go about it. That would be my choice! I really wish that *had* been the way she died, actually.

NeedHelpWithMom;Un Real this also happens to me like every day I go to check on Auntie and I can not tell if shes breathing or not then all of a sudden she moves whew its startleing .every time I check on her Im scared that shes passed on ,Im so afraid to sleep because I think shes going to pass in my sleep or in her sleep .When shes out on the couch shes asleep with her head leaning back and mouth hanging open looks like shes not breathing its spooky....and shes always COLD TOO !! Agreed I am totally freaking out about the exact same thing I get it!! I feel a bit better since i put her on Hospice but its really a big worry for me too !!

As you see, you are not alone in thinking about this. Everyday I go through this. Perhaps mom is sleeping longer than usual....did she die in her sleep? No, just tired. She likes to sit in her chair in her room in the dark and I will think she died in the chair. No, just likes to sit and think in the dark. Lol! I am so glad you posted this question. Nice to know that I am not the only thinking about this!

I'm always checking to see if my mom is still breathing. If she's sleeping in the chair in the living room I always look to see if her chest is moving. If she's in her bedroom I stand outside her door and try to listen for her breathing, mumbling or moving in bed. Sometimes she's so quiet and still though that I start to panic a little thinking "well, this is it. who do I call?" She sleeps so deeply sometimes that it's even hard to rouse her and she's so disoriented when she wakes up that it's scary.

When my boyfriend's asleep and stops snoring I also check him. I'm a little paranoid and a lot terrified of someone dying and me not knowing it for a while and finding them dead.