Does anyone else want to skip Thanksgiving?

Can we skip 2022

Things haven't been going that well since 2020.

I have never been overly fond of the Thanksgiving idea. It's down to 4 of us - me, my 102 year old father, my brother and his wife who has Altzheimers. I cook because I'm expected to cook, not because I enjoy it or even want to do it. No options to go out - dad can't get out and the restaurants are mobbed on Thanksgiving Day. I think I get through it by thinking that this might be the last year that we are all together.

We are. After 6 weeks of unexpected hands on care and getting mom placed in assisted living we are tired. She will have been in the facility less than 2 weeks. They are having a big party. I'll cook the turkey before hand and have a week of little cooking.....

Yes, I want to skip Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year. And all just so I wouldn't have to worry about what to do with mother. A long story I won't go into. I just wanted to sympathize with you.
Sorry i don't have any brilliant advice.
I do believe though that honesty IS always the best policy.
If i were in your same situation, I would probably tell my mother, "I'm sorry, but D and I are just going to use Thanksgiving Day as a day off - from everything."
And then maybe order a full meal from a GOOD restaurant and take it over there.

Holiday get togethers were always a stressful event in my dysfunctional family and DH and I dreaded them. After my mother passed in 2018, I finally got out of the 40+ years of F.O.G.
So in 2019, we did not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with my father who was in a lovely ALF. I refused to subject myself to his ranting and swearing any longer. He had NPD and ASPD. I was shocked he never got evicted. We hid at home just the 2 of us. No guilt, no regrets.
Now that both folks are gone, I went NC with my siblings as well. My life is so much more peaceful without toxic people in it. We stay home and binge watch movies and TV shows all day.
Do what is best for for YOU. Everyone else will get over it. Good luck!
{{{HUGS}}}

Just say it. Don't worry about the repercussions. I've learned to do that. It gets easier with practice.

I remember one year me, my sister and my mom drove to my sister T's house for the usual Christmas. We pulled into the driveway and started to get out of the car as we usually did. None of us were looking forward to this get together so I said let's just sit in the car for a bit. So we just sat there and then it struck us simultaneously how ludicrous it was and we burst into gales of laughter. We were still laughing when we got to the door. My sister T in her usual fashion looked all put out cause she wasn't in on the joke. But the three of us looked at each other occasionally throughout the evening and smirked.

NUGGET: Keep it simple.

As others say, of course - take him a nice turkey dinner - eat w/him.

Say: " The family cannot all get together this year (blame it on Covid).
We will celebrate another time when the entire family can be together. . .
I'll keep you posted."

* Keep it simple.
* Going into long explanations will only / further upset him and increase the tension;
* Re-focus his response. Keep it short and say something else - yes, I know you feel sad, so do I... we will do it when we can. Oh, I just thought . . . what do you think about . . . CHANGE THE SUBJECT;

* Let him think it is being postponed; whether it is or isn't;

Keep this simple for you by telling the truth 'mostly' - the more convoluted you make it, the harder it is for you to keep your own thoughts clear(ly expressed) and will overwhelm both of you.

IMPORTANT:
- Role play with your husband before you talk to him.
- Don't fear his response. Realize he will feel what he feels and that you have no control over that. [Let Go and Let God, however you interpret God]
- Keep your voice soft and even and smile. He will pick up on these ques MORE THAN you may realize.

* Do not engage in a debate. Be prepared he might want to argue or keep this conversation going as if he can decide the outcome, if he thinks he can.

* Practice self-confident feelings, any way you can ! And know that YOU CAN.
Gena

If your Dad is living alone and cognizant of the holiday, it wouldn't be right to leave him alone for most of the day. Most elderly place a lot of value on family traditions, and if your Dad is one of them, can you do a simple meal and have him over? Your brother can choose to stay or retreat during that time. There really is no solution here, you cannot please everyone. I do understand you want to skip it. I can tell you that as my Moms caretaker, I wanted to skip a lot of our family dinners, which were work intensive when I was already exhausted and just wanted to be home and retreat. Now that Mom is gone, I realize she was the glue that kept the traditions alive and the family close. Think about it.

I understand your frustration and desire not to spend time with him. There are some good suggestions here.

I just wanted to add that there will be a time when you may miss spending time with loved ones at the holidays. I lost both my parents this summer, and while being a caregiver was not easy, I'm so incredibly sad that I won't see them next week. There is a real heartache and I'm going to isolate myself so I don't need to pretend to be happy.

This is not to judge in any way. Just to provide a perspective from this side.

Dad lives on his own. Instead of cooking for your small number, why not order a prepared meal that you can take for a small sit down meal with him. He may have anger issues, but his holidays are also probably short numbered. Don't miss one. There won't be any tension with your brother not there. Just tell dad, it's a very small gathering because brother has been sick and inlaws had other plans - so just the three of you will be eating together.

Dollar stores would have some cheap table decor to make it just a tad festive. You don't have to stay all day. Just have a meal together. You could also ask dad if he'd like to eat out to do something different. Gets him out of the house and someone else serves and cleans up. Order a meal to go so he has some leftovers for the next day -- maybe for both you and him!

Groceries ordered are not available through instacart! They are out. Yay!
I am so thankful for the chocolate covered almonds and bananas being delivered. My dH and I have an abundance of food.

So, no, I am not going out of my way to cook with a bad foot.

YES! I do. It is a true balancing act for me. Between my mother & stepfather and my husband....I just want to scream! Oh well...I have started screaming as loud and as long as I can while driving by myself and usually end up laughing. It helps!
Good luck.

I basically agree with your husband. However I would handle it a little differently. I would have a small Thanksgiving dinner for you, your husband, and your father, but I would not tell your father that your brother and in-laws are not coming until Thanksgiving day. On that day you can say whatever comes to mind that he will believe and tell him that he will see your brother and in-laws for Christmas. (End of problem.)

I have to say your husband gets a vote. Drop a plate to your dad's and have a quiet, peaceful day at your home. Explain to dad that no one is up to a big thing this year. Maybe Christmas will be better. He will be angry but he will get over it.

My husband and I have decided to take lunch and eat with my mom at her place. We are doing the same with his aunt for dinner. Neither person is very mobile and rest of family is either working or with in laws.

Not really in the mood for a big to do although I am thankful for my life and the many blessings we have.

Canadians have already celebrated their Thanksgiving Day, I think in October.

Thanksgiving is a tradition in America, however, many are attempting to do away with any history that 'offends' a certain group of peoples. Soon, the Federal holiday may be banned.

Setting that debate aside, being thankful and grateful for many things, including an abundant harvest or just being fed, can be celebrated.

The thing is, you can choose to celebrate on any day!

No guilt, no pressure, no judgment!

If you want, you can choose any day to not cook, go to a restaurant when they are not busy, Can Dad attend a meal at a restaurant? When, and if, you want to be with him? Try a breakfast or lunch? Shorten the time spent together.

Maybe he needs to be medicated for such anger and behaviors?

Maybe you need a big break from all the pressures.

My situation is a bit different as we have a SIL who is extruding "toxic positivity."

Look it up. It's like this syndrome where no potentially negative thing can be said or acknowledged because the third party thinks it would hurt feelings. Whereas both her PAID charges are not down for this.

If she manages to bully/manipulate MIL, there might be a dinner. NO FRIENDS OR OR YOUR PERSONAL FAMILY SIL. We haven't known them for 20 years, the ILs are in extremis, and now you bring this up?

Yes - and I have never felt this way. I think even the first 2 years of moms stroke I forced myself to do it to “make life as normal as possible” for me and for everyone else. This year I think I feel like I don’t have to convince myself because “life is not normal and I am tired”. Maybe I am finding more acceptance - maybe it was just a really hard year - but I am okay with not holding myself to all these expectations? For this week anyhow lol :) Simple easy and quiet are okay with me - for the moment. 😊

I don't feel Like cooking a Huge dinner this year for 2 people and am going to Make reservations to eat Out this holiday .

I love your husband’s idea. And all you need to say is that you’re not up for it this year. Don’t keep arguing or explaining. And enjoy your quiet day

I just told my mother yesterday we are not celebrating Thanksgiving. Yes my son, daughter in law, 2 children, plus my daughter , son in law two children will be at my house. Truth , I want to lay low. We are doing a family trip, the week after.
my daughter in law is pregnant (they are not going on family trip due to pregnancy). They don’t want the potential exposure, I don’t want my mom to have a potential exposure to her, and drag covid back to the facility..

I feel awful for my moms disappointment. I plan on picking up a newspaper for her.. She loves looking thru the adds. I will do that with her.

You do not need to do Thanksgiving at all, and not for Dad either. 🦃

It’s a no brainer for me. Halloween is not a UK or OZ normal holiday, although the retailers are trying hard to bring it in. We don’t have Thanksgiving: the old equivalent was the Church Harvest Festival, but it’s Spring in OZ so that doesn’t translate well here. Easter is Autumn here, the best time in the year for a camping holiday, and that’s really the local tradition. Yes we do Christmas, this year very very small – it just seems miserable to do nothing, and my sister is now in the same boat, so we’ll eat together and I'll cook something a bit special. My mother was English, and I haven't swapped to 'seafood for lunch' - one reason being the the queues at the market for fresh seafood on the last couple of days are a bit like a mob riot!

New Years Eve, my husband and I have taken to changing the grandfather clock hands forward so that ‘midnight’ comes at about our normal bed time. We will already have changed the clocks for daylight saving, so there’s nothing genuine about clock ‘midnight’. And it feels better the next morning!

Holidays are supposed to be nice, not a stresser. I shudder to think of all our site friends getting through three months of the ‘holiday season’, and finding it one stress after another!

Basically, how about telling him what you have just written here? I've always suspected that this holiday fixation really has to do with the denial of time's passage and the changes life brings.

Make a reservation for an early dinner - like 4 pm - and maybe make this a new tradition. Everybody eats, you aren't stressing about a fancy meal, and time is limited at a restaurant. The guys might enjoy watching some football to ease some of that alpha male aggression.

Tell your Dad you are not cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year. Too many of you are tired or are recuperating. Offer to send in a Thanksgiving meal if he would like it, or see if there is a church or senior center offering Thanksgiving meals where he could also get some social contact. He is probably pretty lonely esp on holidays.

I don’t want to do Thanksgiving but I have to go to my mom’s in NC. She is being moved from AL to NH. But no one else to go.

Why does this poster have to try and include dad if she doesnt want to? He doesn't try and control his anger issues and make an effort why should she? Obviously he was an angry jerk before the stroke and now its worse. The holidays are not enjoyable for so many because of guilt and obligation to people who make no effort to return the favor.

You say you live in a small town and no restaurants are open. How far is the nearest restaurant that is open? My guess is dad will be on his best behavior in public and you might have a pleasant meal even if you do have to drive to the next town over.

I'd love to skip it. Now that both my parents are gone, I think the other side of the family thinks we'll just drive 500 miles for any and all holidays, and frankly, I'm not interested. I'm not in the mood for all the political and Covid arguments that make up a typical holiday on the in-law side. I, too, am emotionally exhausted after losing my mom in July, and I'd like to cancel all the holidays and just stay home.

The best Thanksgiving I ever had was about five years ago when I came down with a really bad cold and had to cancel everything. Fortunately, I wasn't hosting, but I sent my husband and son off to the local relatives, curled up on the sofa and watched Downton Abbey all day. It was great, and I'd love to do it again this year.