Does anyone else here care for an aging parent in the home, not work outside the home? With COVID I feel like a prisoner inside my own home.

My brother jokes that I am on home confinement.   He tries to visit as much as he can.  I have an aid, but she basically covers the hours I have to work.  Both my siblings are looking to move near me, but the corona has made that tough.

We (my wife and I, especially my wife) share your pain. Mom is 99, blind, hard of hearing, increasing dementia. Other than that, hale as a horse. We take turns going to wooded areas around here, especially those that are owned by groups who are part of saving wildlife for perpetuity. It's a long, educational process for us not to take what she says seriously, to not explain things as though she will understand or remember. It helps, sadly, to think of her in some ways like a clever animal, and have no expectations. We spend a lot of time writing letters with her (which is very helpful in getting her friends to write) making sure NPR news radio is available to her, having her roll balls of yarn for our knitting friends, unfold newspapers that we use to extend the gardens (to kill the grass beneath the mulch), folding towels and dishcloths ( sometimes we just mess them up and give them back to do over the next day) and reading to her from the gossip columns of the newspaper. She can't have any of her friends over, and it's a continual chore to get her other kids and grandkids to call or write. Nine months now and extending to....when? We don't have any answers to your anxiousness, but we do share it.

Omg! I feel the same way... Im 63, dad passed away suddenly 9 months ago. I stayed with my 90 yr old mom at their senior park mobile home. I didn't realize just how bad off they were physically & mentally until I came to live with my mom. She is a 24/7 job & my life as I knew it felt over. I packed her up one day, took her to my home and never looked back except to sell her home. In between planning dads funeral, caring for mom, I had to try to dump 25 yrs of stuff! Virus made it so much more difficult as Goodwill wasn't even open! I took it all to their porch and put a free sign on it.. I did get 2 great care givers 1 for 7 hrs daytime 1 for 7 hrs night but in btwn & 2 days a week it's all me again. I'm starting to get so resentful but it's not her fault. My little home is also just not equipped for a handicapped person. She's incontinent so I'm up 4-5 times a night with her to change her as she poops/pees but doesn't know to change herself

On those days that your hubby is gone, invite a friend or one of your Mom’s, that you know has safe, to lunch. Make it fun! Let your Mom help, if she can.
I know it’s tough. I have been the sole caregiver for my parents for 4 1/2 years now. My Dad passed 9 months ago and my Mom has late stage dementia. Talk about trapped! Call and ask her friends or family to call. My Mom lives talking on the phone. Let me know if any of this helps.

Yes I am in a similar situation but minus the husband. I am alone with my 92 year old mother. She has Lewy body dementia and I, two months ago, took a job working from home. I have no words. I pray to get through this time quickly 💓Sending Love your way.

Mom likes puzzles but can't see enough to really work them, and dementia makes them harder also, so I do most of the work leaving the easy parts for her. Sense of accomplishment and is about the only time we can do something together without arguing!

Phone calls to old friends really perks me up, although it is had to initiate the call because I feel like I have nothing interesting to say!

Take care of yourself. I have not and am now suffering multiple health issues, not looking good for my end years!

Yes, I absolutely understand how you feel. This is a terrible time for almost all of us and there is no way to pretend that it's okay if we just do "so-and-so....." I am glad that you have a hubby for some support, although in a way that probably spreads you thinner. The highlight of my day is walking the dog, but we live in an apartment so there's not a lot of lovely area in which to walk. I do find meditating to YouTube videos helpful. I still work out of the home so am overwhelmed with both caring for Mom and keeping up with work. I, too, moved across several states to care for Mom. I have sibs but no help. One brother will occasionally stay with Mom if I pay him and send a Lyft to pick him up. :) You've gotta laugh or else you'll cry.... You are in my prayers.

I care for my brother and husband
my husband is better now
doctors offices and rare grocery store ( masked)are my outings
I am sick as a dog for over a week and fear covid. I get tested monday.

my house is a mess and it is all i can do to get food and meds done.
NO ONE Warns you and I dunno what I can do .
I have to assume that if I die or go in to the hospital, my brother will die.
I dunno where to turn because my brother makes just a bit too much money for anything.

I know exactly how you feel. Trapped and feel guilty about it!

OMG, you are not alone. My mom is 89, I truly believe in the last stage of Alzheimer’s. With the Covid, if our loved ones lived in a care facility, they may not have survived. The only time I’ve had anytime off in many many years, is when I was so very ill in hospital. I’m so tired. I still try to make her smile, laugh . I applaud anyone who gives it a try. My family(siblings) Do nothing, I’ve begged them. I hope I’m not too old, when I can get a paying job. It’s frightening. Okay, I’ve complained a lot. Enjoy what you can💕

Oh, honey, I understand!! For one, I'd suggest to not watch or listen to too much news! Do you have indoor plants, or a space to plant things? Can you take 10-15 minutes at least once a day to just walk in your area? Seeing signs of life helps me. I'm so glad your husband is able to work! You're lucky to have someone to look forward to coming home, and share time and a meal with, to hear about HIS day on the 'outside'. Also, I just go ahead and 'waste' a few hours occasionally to rewatch a beloved comedy (no matter how silly, or even outdated). I often find it hard to settle down to read anything too challenging, but I do try to 'make' myself read at least a chapter, or a few pages, a day, of a historical novel (or anything you'd enjoy); I listen to podcasts of interesting programs (Hidden Brain; This American Life, true crime stories (some are very well done and engrossing). You are NOT alone!! We all support you in spirit!

I think I understand.

I do not think I would be able to enjoy decent mental health without my work. I am a better daughter because of it.

Oh, how I love them. Oh, how my role grates my nerves (daily).

My suggestion is to find something you can do to carve out time that is not focused on their needs. And also get out of the house to take a walk (masks on, social distance, etc.) with your husband.

D

I feel that way right now
My mother has a 24/7 IV line in for a constant milrinone drip. I'm really annoyed with her cardiologist because the impression I was under was this would be a 1 or 2 time per week infusion done by a visiting nurse. The day she had the PICC line put in, I found out no, it's a steady therapy and I am responsible to change the IV bag every day. It's been a week and so far I've had to deal with an occluded line (3 times) and her getting the line so tangled around her Walker she's had to hit her life alert button (twice, once st 4:30 AM). So while she's tethered to this machine, I'm tethered to her. And only one facility in my area will take her with an IV, and hospice wont pick her up while she's on this medication.
And the kick of it all, I dont think it's doing a f***ing thing for her! And I know she's just going to go along with whatever he thinks is best. So I'm going to impress upon both of them that I'm reaching the end of my rope, if this is a long term plan we're going to have to have a serious discussion on benefits vs. risks and then placement in a facility

Imho, yes, I had to move into my late mother's home 7 states away from my own house. During my caregiving journey for my mother, there were many times that I wanted "to run away from home," but I couldn't because it wasn't even my own home! I stayed the course and got the job done, albeit difficult. I felt like a prisoner in my mother's home.

Sounds like you may be going stir crazy. A lot of people feel that way cooped up with covid. Well, at least you have your husband and your mom to keep you company. If you wear a mask and distance yourself from people you should be fine. See how many cases of covid are in your town, and how it is spreading. Just google it. Find out what you are dealing with.

My Mom has lived with us on and off for years. After a stroke, she had rehab for 1 1/2 years and she stayed with us. In the beginning she was limited but got much better with her therapy. Then, I noticed out of habit I was still doing everything for her but she wanted to go home. So, we had a talk.
Make a list of things she can do for herself, then sit down with her and explain that you want her to remain as independent as possible for as long as possible. Then tell her, she will need to help herself out as much as possible to do that. So anything she can do, then she will need to do for herself. This keeps her active, alert and helpful to herself and you.
My Mom couldn't cook on the burner or oven without possible risk of leaving stove or oven on. So, I only allow her to cook on our toaster oven that has automatic cut off or microwave. With dinners, I ask her to cut things up for meal prep or wash vegtables or fruit. She sets the table and she clears dishes and puts them in dishwasher. If she's able, she washes the dishes.
She was able to bring me her laundry but couldn't reach deep into my washer to change over the clothes but once they were dried, I would bring all the clothes to her bed and she folded it all and put it away.
Bathtubs and toilets were hard to clean but she kept her sink area cleaned and spot cleaned her toilet each day, making it easier for me.
She will sweep the floor and sometimes vacuum.
We got her a TV for her room with her recliner so she can watch whatever she wants as LOUD as she wants.
During the day, she reads, does puzzles, talks on the phone or helps out with different things.
We give each other space. When I want or need to go out, I let her know where I'll be and when I'll be home. She has my number on her cell phone and can call it there is an emergency. She also wears a Medic Alert necklace for falls. If it's during meals times, I leave a meal prepared for her. Now, that she's home, I meal prep 20 or so individual meals for 2 weeks or more at a time, where it has chicken, pork, meat, and 2 vegetables with it to microwave. I stock her up weekly on cereal, yogurt, cottage cheese, salad items, vegetables, bread, lunch meat, cheeses, soups, etc. to make breakfast and lunch. I also spent time trying new recipes in her microwave or toaster (we disabled her stove). She can now make omelets, eggs, baked potatoes or sweet potatoes, fresh salmon or fish without the stove.
So GO GO GO GO GO out. Go fishing with your husband. Find a church to attend or a small Bible Study Group to socialize with. Or a group that meets weekly for a hobby. Many things you can still do with social distancing. Order takeout food from a restaurant and bring it home.
Once a week or twice, set nights that you let your Mom know will be date nights with your husband. Ask that she eat early and enjoy time in her room while you and your husband have couple time. Then set the table for 2 and enjoy married life together. Watch a movie afterwards, or play a game or whatever. Just make sure it's just you two.
Go get your hair done.
Go get your nails done.
Go get a massage.
Go to Barnes and Noble and browse for a book.
Just get out.
If your Mom needs constant supervision, call around for Agencies that will send a Adult Babysitter for these times. Call different churches and see if they offer anything like that. Join a group where you take turns watching each others adult parents so you can have a break. Do you have family any where in the area, that can help?
With my Mom, thankfully she is kind and considerate and fully realizes the help she is given and tries to make life as easy as possible. I know many people have extremely difficult people to care for. My Grandfather and Grandmother were like that and they both had Alzheimer's. But with loving kind words but blunt words, we usually managed to try to see each other's point of view. Good Luck

Sing it sistah! Caregiver to two 90+ parents, mom is pretty okay and even helpful at times; dad is debilitated with dementia that seems to fluctuate minute-by-minute. I go to work (I live close enough to my job to get home quickly if needed). They don't want an aide (actually he doesn't). I live with them, no spouse, no kids, no sibs, so that my life consists of work, shopping, cooking, cleaning, meds, getting dad up in the morning before I leave, their banking, bills, etc. And with the COVID isolation, they are are really feeling the lack of (other) human contact. There's the occasional call for them from a family member, but that's it. It's maddening. I want to spend my younger old age enjoying a bit, but I guess I'll just have to revel in the glorious days of my misspent youth.

Momscgiver, go fishing with your husband. It is fun and relaxing!! I am going with my husband tomorrow. Please, call one of the agencies to have someone come in your home to stay with your mother for a few hours. They take precautions. They wear masks, they wash their hands frequently. They have to take precautions for everyone to stay safe. Go fishing with your husband. Take a break from caregiving. You are worth it!!

Hi. Please remember that you are not alone. I am the only caregiver for my 84 year old husband who is under Hospice care. After several falls last year he fell again in October 2019 and broke his C2 which required a hard collar for 6 months. Doctors are treating him for liver disease which causes other medical issues including low blood pressure. Since the last hospital stay his health as been declining steady and now he is bed ridden and sleeps 18-20 hours a day. I do everything for him. No other family available to help me. I felt alone even before the COVID19 mandates to stay home started in March. I am slowly accepting that my husband will not improve. It is hard to watch someone you love decline both mentally and physically each day.

My suggestion for you would be to set aside "me" time for reading, taking walks, gardening or any other hobby you enjoy. I love to make quilts and spend as much time as possible in my studio working on projects. I miss my other friends that are also quilters, but I try to keep in touch with them via Facetime and text messaging. We share photos of projects we are working on and celebrate together when a quilt is completed.

Keep in touch with family -- My family all live out of state so we don't see each other very often. Again I found they are just a text message away and enjoy catching up with them every few days.

Remember that the Lord is always with you. When taking care of my husband really gets me down say a little prayer and thank the Lord for his care for me. He is always there to comfort me and give me peace. I start each day with about an hour of "me" time which includes asking God for another day of his help to continue being a caregiver.

I wish you the best. Remember that other caregivers understand what you are going through. Be strong and remember to take time for yourself everyday.

Momscgiver39,

You are most definitely not alone!!! I (along w/my amazing husband too! :)) take care of my 86 year old mom who has dementia. Being a FT caregiver is completely challenging enough but doing it in the midst of Covid has literally been a nightmare. My mom used to go to the senior center once a week and spend the day with friends but once it closed up, her dementia took a huge turn for the worse. She hallucinates all the time, has severe anxiety and cannot be left home alone so either I stay trapped in the house with her or my husband has to stay home so I can run some essential errands. We have had to baby proof every door and slider that opens because she is notorious for trying to leave when she has anxiety, setting off the alarm in the middle of the night on multiple occasions! We, also, have made the decision not to risk bringing a caregiver in when Covid cases are spiking so badly.

I have, by no means, figured out the magic solution but I have found that doing little things have really helped me get through the day the best I can under the circumstances. I have stopped dwelling on all of the things that are preventing us from having a more "normal" life and tried to focus on more positives - SOOO challenging to do at times, I know.

For me, I try and get outside daily. I'll set mom up with her walker on the driveway and I get fresh air, even if it's raining. Often, she will sit on the porch and rest and I can be outside but still keep an eye on her. Stretch, take deep breaths, fresh air does wonders! I work out multiple times a week - this is the single thing that has kept me the most sane and helps keep the physical stress levels down. As for my mental well being - this is by far the biggest challenge. Mainly, I try and keep busy, taking care of things at home or doing small easy projects I've been "meaning to" knock out. Smaller projects are do-able and give me a sense of accomplishment - a positive! I play with our pets and often think they have no idea how much the world has changed around them because their lives are pretty much the same! If I have any down time in the afternoon, I work on puzzles. I find this to be amazingly relaxing because your mind remains active but you're doing a calming activity. I also have a couple of those adult coloring books but I haven't worked on those in ages. Do you do or have you tried yoga? If so, there are so many online options and you can plug your computer into the TV for a better view. I go through phases with yoga and currently, I just don't have the patience for it. Sometimes I will do the stretching classes and that helps a lot or I get on the roller and work on some of my muscles. Anytime you can make your body feel better, the mind gets on board too...for the short time being anyway. Again every little thing counts!

I guess all of my suggestions are things you can do by yourself and doesn't really help that feeling of isolation. I cherish alone time (because it rarely happens) so it's less stressful for me not to be social during the pandemic. I do get some social outlet by keeping in contact with friends around the country. We "check in" every now and then and you always have the option to Skype/Zoom with your friends and relatives back home if you want to see a familiar face!

Again, no magic solutions but try and motivate (again challenging, I know) to try lots of different things and see if any of them help you feel even a little bit better. I think lots of small positives goes a long way and remember, none of this will be forever!

I know from taking care of my 84 year old grandfather...who makes it his job to disagree with almost all my suggestions to make life a little easier for him the feelings of despair & lonliness that take over sometimes...I wish there was someone I could talk to that would listen, and be supportive & give me a perspective. And a hug. However there is not. Sometimes i have a down day & feel sorry for myself. We are only human after all. However, one of the upsides to my Grandpa's constant resistance to my healthy foods & healthy advice is that it has motivated me to take much better care of myself. Its really clear that when my grandpa eats the unhealthy greasy foods & drinks he likes his mood goes up, then crashing down. When he eats & drinks simple clean meals & fresh juices i make him he is stable, and reasonably pleasant.
Below is my 'feel better & keep myself sane' stuff i do..i hope it helps in some small way
Eating clean & walking (like another person said) where there is plenty of Nature...trees, flowers, grass. Most days i go early am & after dinner at night when Grandpa goes to sleep (which is really late some nights) It clears my head & gives me a perspective & definately helps me to sleep much better. I'll leave a little list for you of my habits that help me to feel better about myself, my Grandpa & my life. I don't do all of them everyday...just do the best I can. That's all Life expects of us after all.
6 cups epsom salts & a few drops lavender Oil in a warm bath..put my head under the water like when we were kids also. The magnesium in the epsom salts really helps to relax the nerves & give us deep sleep
Plenty of proteins with each meal (we need extra during stress times) chicken & fish, ground nuts & seeds, tempeh (delicious) eggs.
Iron & b12 with breakfast every day.
Raw garlic is the only substance man has that kills viruses...We have drugs that can hold the viruses down by stopping it multiplying (replicating) However, man can't kill it ...with all his fancy meds with stupid names.
Only when garlic is Raw is it antiviral. I bought a good crusher on Amazon & crush about 1 teaspoon of garlic..sit it on the counter for 5 mins...then swish it down like a pill just before meals..At least 1 time a day. Grandpa moans about it, but he takes it also.
All the stories about garlic keeping the evil spirits away from times past is because people believed that evil spirits would 'pour diseases over people'..They didn't realize they stayed well because of the antiviral, antimicrobial & anti fungal properties of the garlic. When you swallow it down you won't taste it or smell it either. Just have the meal right after the garlic & it will settle the tummy.
Then you don't need to be fearful when you take your Mother out.
You can google up medical studies on the raw garlic
Making fresh vegetables juices ..especially the green juices..cucumber, apple, celery
Writing down 3 things i have to be grateful for before i sleep. And anything else that is heavy on my mind.
Praying...reaching up within myself for guidance for the right thing to say & do
Helping someone else. Calling someone just to check up on them. (not complaining about my own problems) Taking something i baked to a neighbor. Giving the first shopping trolley to the other person first. Different small things that get me out of my own head
Finally, remember, Nothing lasts forever.
One day you will look back and be reassured knowing you did the very best for your Mother.
Bless your heart :)

You are being paranoid and letting this get way overblown in your life. Unfortunately I see this way too much.

Take natural supplements ( as well, ginger and garlic are the best immune strengtheners there is. Every year folks go nuts about the latest flu going around and are stupid enough to get the shots. Every one of our friends that get the shot get deathly sick. Our family does not get the shots and we do not get sick) , spend time outdoors every day and wear a mask when in crowds and you and your family should be okay.

I am blessed with both a flower garden and vegetable garden to take care of so my days are full.

Being an introvert covid does not bother me.

Mom has a network of folks that she calls or they call her every day. Make a list of family and friends to call every day.

Go for a walk in the park, being in nature has a calming effect on you.

And of course, for me, when I get stressed out I just take it to Jesus.

These really work for our friends and us.

May Jehovah Shalome (God of peace) bless you with His gentle, reassuring peace every day

I've been in your boat. My husband and I took care of my mom with Alzheimer's for 5 years. I even wrote a book about our experiences: "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I found that writing the book was cathartic and helpful. I also found that finding humor is helpful, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job (accounting) in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I also worked part time. Most people view Mondays as, "I have to go to work," but for me, it was, "Woo hoo, I get to go to work." It got me out of the caregiver role for a while. (Hubby watched her then.) I used that same change of perspective with my mom. At the beginning, I thought, "I have to take care of my mom, " but when I changed that perspective to, "I get to take care of my mom, " that made all the difference. I got to spend more time with her, even if much of the time, it wasn't really "her" any more. Hope this helps, and I hope you get a chance to read my book, which I tried to write with humor and heart. (You need both as a caregiver.)

Been living with Mom for 19 years and at first it was because of her health. Now, she is okay, 93 years old and going strong. I just retired in January, and then Covid-19 hit. I've been locked up pretty much since February 20. I am 65 and also vulnerable, so I only go out grocery shopping. I feel like I was born to take care of others: Mom and grandkids. I figure one of us will finally die first and the other may have to go to an elder living facility some day. My life ended 23 years ago. How do I cope? I just accept that this is why I was born.

Moms, you say that your mom is always in her room and you are always in there asking her if she needs anything.

You need to set a schedule and stop micromanaging her. Make sure that she has something to drink, snacks handy and access to the bathroom, if she is not mobile then do a bathroom schedule. I am sorry to sound rude, but you are creating a lot of stress for yourself and only you can stop it.

This whole covid thing has everyone not thinking straight. People that have isolated, wear masks and do everything they are supposed to do get sick. Stress weakens your immune system, so stop stressing about something that you have no control over. When it is our time to die, we will die, whether from covid or a heart attack. Does it really matter the cause? Being cautious is the best any of us can do and that means washing your hands, wearing a mask and not gathering in crowds, not becoming a hermit stuck in your home with no outings.

Sending you big hugs, Momscgiver!!
I can relate—I’ve said those exact words! My 84-year old mother with mild dementia moved in with me in April. I actually reached out to a therapist to help me deal with my burn out and angry and depressed feelings. She encouraged me to put self-care into my daily routine. It has helped me to take advantage of the morning time while my mom sleeps in. A friend in another state invited me to a “daily workout.” We swap “sweaty selfies” with no makeup for support and accountability. She’s been exercising for a while, but I am starting slow with a 30-day Yoga with Adriene routine in the morning. Then I treat myself to a healthy smoothie. I also started journaling my thoughts and made a list of gratitudes, which helped me remember some silver linings. When I journaled my gripes, it helped me see some small creative solutions to ease my stress.
I have joined an online book club that meets in the evenings when my mom is watching tv, and I am intentionally reaching out via Zoom and text to friends near and far. These few activities have helped my mood tremendously. I needed to have some control over my day and some sense of autonomy to be able to sustain this new normal.
Joining this group has made me realize I am not alone—the feeling of being trapped and isolated is the worst!! Praying the COVID-19 vaccine gets approved soon!! <3

Laugh and be thankful. Many people you may associate with aren't what you think, besides you have your friend (best friend) with you, your husband; many aren't as fortunate.

Join a caregiver support group

I've been taking care of my 87 year-old mother for the last 4 years, since my father passed away. I'm an introvert, but yes, there are times when I want to pull my hair out. We're human. Especially when an aging parent has dementia. Everyone tells me to get help through her insurance company to have someone come in and stay with her. Personally, I don't want ANYONE in my home. NOBODY can take care of her like I do. Also, I don't trust ANYONE as well, even people in the medical field. My heart goes out to you!!!

I guess there are alot of us in the same boat; My 84 year old mom has been with me and my husband since 2014. Of course the senior center, which was our only respite is unreachable; even if it opens part time mom's immune system is compromised and I can't risk letting her go there. I work at a school (cooking), so
have been home since March 14th and don't know if I school will even open in the fall. We are all going stir-crazy and getting on each other's nerves. Mom has a terrible habit of scratching her skin until she has open sores all over, so I constantly have to watch her, apply lotion or antibiotic cream, or just leave the room. She also clears her throat constantly.
Fortunately she has a tv in her room and will "hibernate" there for hours at a time so we can have some peace. I hate to think of the television being used as a babysitter, but it works!
I get my own peaceful times by doing a lot of yard work, selling things on ebay, and reading, but there are many times when I just want to cry, and feel hopeless, and also guilty for sometimes just not wanting her here anymore. I feel for you, and this Covid 19 has turned everything upside down; I wish I could just feel safe going out to eat or be able to escape now and then.
My husband is retired and can stay with her, but has grown resentful and wants no part of her; that makes it even tougher for me and mom.
You are not alone feeling up against a wall; hang in there, and know that there are many of us in the same boat out here....