Does anyone else get treated differently than other family members?

I saw this same thing happen when I was a child as my own parents attempted to care for their parents (my grandparents). None of the grandparents ever lived with us, but my mom and dad were basically on call 24/7 for whatever need presented itself. If memory serves, this was a time span of well over 10 years from the time the first grandparent got sick to the time the last one passed away. One grandparents' home was a 45 minute drive, but the other was a full day's drive away in a neighboring state. My parents suffered professionally, personally, and our family was tremendously stressed - pretty much all the time - not knowing when we'd have to pack up and head to the home of (name your elder). As a young child, I didn't have the understanding of what was going on and I believe it impacted my personal development. My parents struggled tremendously just to keep up and I believe their parenting was impacted as well. Tempers were usually very short and my mother was generally very unhappy even if there was no apparent problem, so you can imagine what extra stress did to her. My parents would argue and my very needy mother is just pitiful when she cries - and it hurt to hear it. I had to be perfect all the time and I somehow could never do it. Anyway, in the midst of all this chaos, I had to hear my grandparents asking for my parents' absent siblings. My parents were killing themselves helping and it had to hurt badly to hear their parents asking for the other kids who were not there! "Three more days until (absent child) gets here!" And "Don't eat that. It's for (absent child) when he comes to town." "We need to clean the house for when (absent child) gets here." "Don't put that there. (Absent child) is going to use that bedroom." Yes, the ones who rarely came to town were treated like royalty. Our ragged family (who was constantly on the road driving back & forth) was treated like we were fulfilling an obligation. I recall one time where a sit down meal was being prepared, but one of the visiting absent children did not even stay long enough to eat it! Sometimes I dare to dream how my upbringing and my mom and dad's lives would have been different under different circumstances.

Oh you are singing my song. I'm right there with you. :)

I am an only child with x2 adult sons. I care for my mum on a daily basis, which at the moment is mainly finances, shopping, medical appointments and cajoling around meals and housework. She refuses all help suggested by outside professionals. Her needs will increase with time. Mum has always had depression and has now been diagnosed with dementia. My boys find my mum very hard work in that she can be spiteful and full of hate. They rarely visit. She has nothing good to say about me! She loves my boys to distraction and the neighbours too! Yes we have had our relationship difficulties over the years as she’s (to me anyway) narcissistic in her behaviour. She has even changed her will in favour of my boys when I am the one going in there every day and dealing with her hateful ways. I can’t offer any words of wisdom but what I can say is that, yes it’s hurtful but that we’ve done our best!

When I visited rehab every 2nd day, driving there & back in peak hour, bringing supplies etc I got "have you heard from your sister?" & "when is your sister coming?" a lot.
I don't know. She never calls.

It was a Nurse that said THIS daughter is here now - enjoy HER visit.

I started to feel resentful, so I cut back the frequency of visits. I enjoyed them more & I think I was a novelty again.
I agree with *familiarity breeds contempt* idea.

Listen to your own building resentment. It may be telling you to step back a bit too?

My sister did. She took total care of my mother while she was ill with her spinal infection, then triple bypass, then sprained knee, then multiple bladder, UTI's.
My family, and myself, (the only excuse for myself is that I lived in FL, my mother and sister in UT, and my husband was a control freak, wanting my total attention) but I do understand. My siblings and I were so grateful to have Melody watching over our mother, and just continued to allow.. Allow? her to take care of her by herself, for years.. I finally moved closer, now in NV. Only two and 1/2 hours away, so I started staying nights with mom, taking her to the bathroom all hours of the night, and then when she was finally diagnosed with liver cancer staying with her for days on end, while my sister Melody looked all day for the final three days for funeral arrangements. My sister is angry, and sad that we all took advantage of her. Of course she does. I spent the final three days alone with my mother and just feel angry, at everyone, and can't understand why??? I was so very fortunate to have the time with her. I didn't believe in God, now I have much more than God to back me up, my mother is right up there behind him.
I feel your family is so grateful, and probably ashamed of themselves for having the lack of understanding, maybe even feeling they won't be have the correct knowledge in caring for your parents, so they just shy away.
Good luck, and please stay strong. You are doing what you know is right. That is best and all you can do now for yourself and your parents. Your siblings to come to terms soon enough.. unfortunately, maybe too late for them.

I experience the same but don’t let it bother me. It’s amazing how my parents suddenly become alive when a mostly absent sibling calls. I’m usually met with short words and a few grunts. Some days are good and I cherish them.

Ah, yes. We certainly learn a lot about our family dynamics when we care for our parents. I moved away in my early twenties. For thirty years I thought Mother and I got on pretty well, but after becoming her 24/7/365 caregiver over the past 3.5 years, I realize it was the 600 miles and visits once or twice a year that made that so. The more I saw Mother through adult eyes, my childhood and adolescence years made so much sense. I'm not going to lie, at first it was painful and made me resentful that even to this day she does or says things that (are meant to?) make me feel not quite good enough, while my sibling who lives 600 miles away and rarely calls is the golden child.
But, I would bet money, that if she lived with my sibling, I would be golden!
I've just learned not to react by getting my feelings hurt or being resentful that she acts nicer to everyone but me, and to accept that the she's not going to change.

I can see that there are quite a few responses already, most of them pointing out that 'familiarity breeds contempt'. I experienced it in the 5+ years I lived with my mom (a full-time job of chauffering, managing prescriptions, making nutritional and fresh meals were always provided, doing all laundry, we all know the routine). Right before I left (and forced other family members to 'take over'), the other family members decided to hire a 20 hr. a week pro caregiver (on mom's money). I lived there for about 9 months before I moved out, and the caregiver was faultless and we got along GREAT. I learned a few months ago that she'd been let go. Like pulling hen's teeth to get details, but I finally got a few words from my mom: "She got sassy." Totally broke my heart that this great young woman, working for minimum wage with few if any 'benefits' (though she drove 20+ miles each day, in her own car, her own gas and insurance), lost her job in the middle of Covid--with I'm sure a 'questionable' discharge--based on my mom's interpretation. I suspect the company uses my mom's word to avoid paying the caretaker unemployment.

My mom often treated strangers nicer than she did me, when she had Alzheimer's. I've been told this is common, but at the time, it wasn't easy to take. People would ask me if my mom could still talk, since some Alzheimer's patients lose that ability, and I said, "Yes, she can talk; she insults me all the time." We all had to laugh. Apparently, I had a choice: a silent mom or one who insulted me. Since she didn't insult me all the time, I put up with it. (Not that I had much choice in the matter.) My husband would mouth the words "It's not really your mother" to me, which was most insightful and helpful. That's what I'd tell you. The disease causes strange things within the brain. I even wrote a book about taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Just remember that insults are the disease talking.

Actually, it is a good thing that they act dismissive towards you. Take it as your cue to back away a little for your own sake.

Imho, I get it; I really do. I was my mother's out of state caregiver (moving in with her). I was treated less than kind by my mother. And why was that? That was because I was the one who had to inform mother to take her medication, to eat and drink what I had prepared so I was "the bad guy." I noticed a difference with my one sibling. He was not going to do the caregiving, flew all the way across country when our mother was on her death bed and before that, got treated nicely by mother. Prayers sent.

You are there more often. Possibly consider you a member of the household at this point. They probably talk with you with chatty welcoming conversations about as much as they do with each other.

The others come in for brief periods and perhaps they engage to keep them there longer or to get them to return sooner.

It's possible you are there a lot, getting less help from the others and it's starting to wear on you. Ask them to do more. If they see things are getting done, things are getting done w/out their help. Ask. Work out a schedule to get them in more often, just as they were able to do before.

Stilltired,

Could be a couple different things going on here.

1) Even though you have been such a tremendous help to them, it may be a constant reminder of the fact that they are getting older and actually are in need of help. It might be a bitter pill for them to swallow that they are losing their independence.

2) When my son was 4, if he got mad at me he would scream "I hate you!"
My psychologist friend told me that it was because my son knew no matter what he said to me, my love was unconditional. Therefore, my son felt "safe" treating me badly.
Perhaps this applies to our elderly LOs as well.

What's the old saying?
Familiarity breeds contempt!

I suggest you have a conversation with them for your own sanity.

Best wishes!!

Yes, but it was like that for me my entire life. I only just saw it now. If this is you too, you might want to read up on narcissistic parents in case it applies. If so, you will learn a lot to help yourself.

I don't know what causes this - perhaps familiarity makes them feel they can treat you dismissively. If it hurts and bothers you, and it sure would do that to me, I would just simply walk away from them and let others deal with them. I will not allow people to treat me badly especially if I am helping them. You do not deserve this and you must take immediate actions to distance yourself until they either stop behaving that way or they are removed from your presence. Don't let them do this to you. You have your life to live and the right to live it in peace.

Yes! It’s amazing to see how many other’s situations mirror my own in some way. I feel for you all. Mom lives with me and I have 2 sisters in other states. One is competent and capable and helps with caregiving in all the ways she can long distance even if it’s just a much needed virtual pat on the back! The third sister has always been the problem child to say the least. Mom of course only cares about her. She lights up when she talks to her on the phone and chats for hours and is so insulting to me and my other sister. She really only talks to either of us to ask about how our sister is! And when I try to talk to mom she either pretends not to hear me or rolls her eyes or some other brief and negative response. I think maybe it is a magnification of the way things have always been, like someone mentioned, but so intensified now with dementia. I do a lot of extracting myself from the room to do a little deep breathing when mom starts in on sending her favorite child money (again!) I’m human and I do sometimes feel hurt and maybe even a little resentful of that sister who is so dysfunctional and takes advantage of all of us in varying ways. But I’m lucky that my DH and my “good” sister help keep me grounded about all of it. Good luck to the OP and everyone else with trying not to take it too personally. Chances are you know you’re doing the right thing no matter what is said (or not said) to you about what a great job you are doing.

Yes, I am treated as the "help".  She has literally left me in her apartment to put away clothes that I've washed for her, to go talk with someone else who lives there.  It makes me wonder if she even really knows who I am.  So I just finish the tasks and leave.

I gave up everything to come back to take care of my mother.
Meanwhile the ufpos ( useless freeloading pieces of sh&t ) get money every month while not helping out at all.
Now, I have put my foot down. I do the bare necessities. If she wants anything else done I tell her to call on the freeloaders. After all, she has given them a lot more money than me, now it is time to earn it. If she wants me to do anything she will put the money in my hand first.
She is furious but I do not care.
I look at it like I am Jesus' free will servant taking care of my mom like He directs me to in the Bible. Jesus loves me a lot more than she does. Jesus has promised to always take care of His servants and He has for the last forty years so I am not worried if she boots me out ( which is highly unlikely as that would mean she would have to move into a seniors home. She has seen what happened when her friends (which are bitc^hes ) moved in and it was not nice. The staff were not abusive but no one would come to visit and the staff ignored them because they were such b@tches. ).
The most abused segment of society is care givers. It does not matter what country you live in.

It maybe you’re a reminder that they’re not independent anymore and need help, and you know the truth. Other family comes and it’s the way it used to be, they feel like their old selves.

This is all too common. Usually the one who does the very most for parents (typically the daughter) gets taken for granted.

The children who do the least are ‘welcomed’ guests because they long to see them. They see it as a treat!

It becomes perplexing for the primary caregiver because it is natural to desire appreciation for all of the efforts made to keep their lives running as smoothly as possible.

A simple, ‘Please or Thank you’ goes a long way. Sometimes we learn what to do from our parents and other times we learn what not to do. Ironically, my parents and grandparents did teach us manners. Somehow, common courtesy often falls by the wayside.

I found it interesting that when others complemented my behavior with my parents to my parents they never hesitated to say, “Yes, I don’t know where I would be without her.” But privately, those sentiments weren’t always expressed, but rather expected from me.

What did I learn from my personal interaction with them? Well, I made a specific point that whenever my children or someone else does something kind for me, I remember to say thank you.

I always beamed inside if others complemented my children for having manners. Having good manners never goes out of style!

It’s the little things that have always mattered the most to me.

It's a thing, yes. I want to believe it's just because we are "old news" -- we're around all the time, what could be new with us?, compared to grown children who live far away and only call once a week (or month).

This is also exactly why I've never cared for the parable of the prodigal son.

When reading many of these types of posts I am unfortunately reminded of the phrase “familiarity breeds contempt”. There is a lot of good advice in the responses.

Yes...I do! “Invisible” is a word I have used. Even when I lived with them!! I decided to move out to my own apt 10 min away. I go over to cook dinner, shop, run errands. Each time I have done so my mom disappears upstairs and my dad nods off in his chair!! I was so guilt tripped to come back to the states because they “needed me” more than the work I was doing overseas. My sister rarely visits anymore (citing Covid). But when my siblings or relatives call they can chat for 30 min or more. It is a strange thing. When they do talk...it is mostly bickering with each other—as if I am not in the room. At times they have talked about me...and I have said “I am right here, you know!!” Invisible. Strange. Glad I’m not the only one!

I am the main caretaker and I have 2 other siblings. My mom (and dad when he was alive) always called me for everything: errands, shopping, doctors appointments, prescriptions-you know the drill. The more we take on, the more they expect and feel comfortable with. So comfortable, that we become one of them - so to speak - and anyone else - including my 2 siblings - become "company". When they visit, Mom wants me to go shopping to make a special meal lol. Yes, it drives me crazy.
Bottom line, I think your parents value you very much, they just don't see you as a "visitor". Caretaking is a thankless job, try to make your peace with it. You will be blessed.

If you are treated like hired help then perhaps you should be getting paid as one? It would help with the resentment and - more importantly- their dismissive attitude. A small fee per task or weekly stipend should do it.

Yes. I see it with my mom. I provided her with a place to live after my dad passed away. I ensure she is safe and has whatever she needs along with sharing the dinner responsibility with one other sibling. There are five kids total. Two of us actually are doing the day to day care and my mom definitely treats us pretty bad. She says I'm just the landlord and my sister is just her Uber providing her with rides to and from her doctor appointments. She's very warm and inviting when the other siblings call or visit which is very rare. I've had a hard time putting so much of my energy and resources into taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate it. I think it's just the way it is when you are left dealing with the responsibility of the day to day care of your parents. It definitely makes me feel frustrated and unappreciated. She continues to tell my other siblings that she wants to go to an assisted living facility but never tells me anything. I would support her in that decision 100 percent. I'm waiting for her to actually bring it up to me directly. I try to not get my feelings hurt when she treats my siblings different. It's hard not to though.

You are their lifeline— acting just how a daughter should. I promise they are grateful.

I’m sorry your other siblingsarent as responsive.

I think you should sit them down and tell them your feelings are hurt.

Yes yes yes! It’s absolutely galling! It’s like the Prodegal Son isn’t it? It’s a difficult
one as you are probably closer to your parents emotionally so stepping back may affect you. But I recommend you do. However, as expectations are there that you are the caring one you will get judged by everyone else as being uncaring. I’m afraid you have to decide what you want. I have stepped back and lived with the guilt but looking back I was raised to care for others whereas my brother was raised and admired for putting himself first. A real gender bias that my mum acknowledges but still think is ok. It kills me to be treated unfairly so I have had to decide any intimate care is now payable to a carer by her. I realised I was never going to be loved more by doing more and in fact she would always show more positive regard for my brother no matter how little he does. I also think there is a contempt that creeps in when you do these servitude chores? As if you put yourself in this status and they treat you with contempt? It shouldn’t be like that but it sounds like your parents see your siblings as their children and you have been reassigned a carer i stead of daughter. Up to you but start preserving yourself. Good luck I feel your pain xx

So sorry that you are receiving this treatment. You are doing a good job of helping them - and they obviously need the help. They probably see your "help" as controlling them and resent it. They may not even realize that is what they are doing. It appears that your parents have reached a point in life where they need a plan for long term help.

1- Research the "help" resources available in their area: house cleaning services, grocery delivery services, transportation services, home health aides, assisted living options, and full care residential facilities (nursing homes).

2 - After you have gathered information on all local resources, invite family members to a family meeting about care for mom and dad. Mom and dad should be there too. Discuss the care that mom and dad need consistently: maybe create a chart or hand-out for each person. Ask each family member how he or she would like to help out - task, how often, do it themselves or pay for it.... If there are tasks that nobody wants to take on, then it should be paid for out of mom and dad's finances.

3 - If the majority of family do not wish to engage in caretaking and there is more caretaking than you can or want to do.... it is time to seek alternative living arrangements for mom and dad. Assisted living places and total care residential facilities have administrative staff that can guide you in the processes.

My brother cleaned out my folks place, by himself. Out aim of a job that took half a year! He lives 3 1/2 hours one way and works full time, has a special needs teen. Oldest bro was no help. Folks were hoarders, my Alz mother moved in with me across the country and he was left to care for Dad who ended up placed in a NH. Dad refused to be placed in a facility closer to my brother and so he stayed this After driving down to run errands for Dad and then clean house, drive back a 7 hour round trip back home for six months he only received insults from Dad. After all was done, Dad was even insulting to my SIL who came the distance to visit. He ignored them, cranked up the tv, only wanted the food given to him, put food in his mouth and complained that “people always talk to him” just when he puts food in his mouth. So with signing in and walking to his room and back it was a 20 min visit with my brother defending his wife and stating she should’ve been treated with more respect. Shouting match. The next week, my brother tried to get my Dad to apologize but instead was told he was visiting too much. Dad refused to acknowledge any rudeness or lack of appreciation on his part and so that has ended the visits and personal assistance from my brother. I’m not sure what Dad thinks is going to happen. There is no one else to visit or help. I’m across country with mom. I asked my brother if he thought he was tired and short with Dad and he said this is the way he had been treated the entire time. Dad keeps his phone off often because he is eating or watching tv and doesn’t want to be interrupted. He was a grumpy, angry, unappreciative person his whole life, so I guess this is how some end up? He had mom live with me but never helped out financially before he went into the NH, rarely calls and then it’s a 5 min. conversation. I guess my point is, it’s not you, it’s them. This is the legacy some leave.