Does anyone else get conflicting messages from the facility and LO concerning their adjustment to the new living situation?

Look at this like taking your child to school. You need to trust the people in charge first and foremost, not the five-year-old or the person with dementia.

Don't be a helicopter child anymore than a helicopter parent. Let her get settled and accustomed to her surroundings. I think the psych evaluation is premature, too. Don't be a fixer.

My bro from his ALF: "You know, hon, it's a bit like when I was young and in the Army. I don't like it a whole lot but I make the best of it".

I am 80. The end of our lives simply isn't a "happy all the time" situation at best. We are facing down loss after loss and the best we have coming is listening to others our age discuss THEIR own losses, right?

Don't expect to make everything "all nice." You didn't cause this and you can't fix this. I would bet you aren't being lied to about your Mom's adjustment. It's just when she sees you she feels free to unload the "worst of it"..

You say that this is rather a norm for your Mom as well; she knows how to get you there for visits, and she does it.

If Mom expresses that she isn't happy let her know you are sorry about that; listen to her; tell her you hope it gets better for her; ask her who is her favorite there. Ask her about a friend. Your Mom is showing her best face now to those who work with her, and they love her; she has to have a place to show her "this is hard" face as well. Try not to pick up the luggage she sets at your feet.
This end of life thing is to be enduring, and all that malarky about how wonderful it is? We all gave up those notions decades ago!

You are kind and loving. Just be honest and rational with yourself that there is no perfection in the end game.

That is normal, her mind is broken, she can't remember what she did an hour ago.

You cannot control your mother's life, this is a pattern you have gotten yourself into, trying to be the savior, sorry, you do not have that power.

Why wouldn't you believe the nurses reports? Maybe because then you have nothing to worry about and that makes you feel like you have lost control?

I would continue the counseling; this is a deep rooted problem that will take much time and effort to overcome.

Give this time, let her acclimate, back off, give it all some breathing room.

If staff is telling u she is doing fine, she is doing fine. As you said Mom was good at manipulating. You see her when you want to. Maybe start a nightly call. After dinner when she is back in her room for the night. When she complains, tell her the staff says she is doing well and has friends. Be aware as time goes on, she will not remember you even being there and cry she has not seen you. Their time is not our time. She may say "I haven't seen u in a week" when u were there 2 hrs ago. You don't argue just say "sorry Mom, didn't think it had been that long"

Your mother may just be using "loneliness and depression" to get more time attention from you. Visit when you can, but don't feel the need to beat her beck and call to satisfy every whim. It sounds like she is safe and being given appropriate care.

Our job now is to make sure our parents are safe. And I trust the staff to tell you the truth. Mom is still adjusting and manipulating you! Feel confident she’s safe and happy. Call her to say “ hi” and let her live her life so you can have yours! I’m primary caregiver for my Mom and understand! Now that she is in AL, she’s truly living a better life and she’s safe! And I am able to relax!

It’s most likely not one or the other. It’s possible she is meeting people and forming friendships at her facility, but is also depressed. Millions of people suffer from depression and still have friends, go to work, and otherwise get through their day. It’s not always an either or situation.

My father was emotionally abusive and my mother has relied on me for support at least since I was six as well. She does the same thing. Your mother sounds like they have a lot in common. My mother has always been people oriented but now can’t do the things she used to do to meet people. The pandemic was the last straw and the isolation is what I think triggered her cognitive decline (she lived across the country from me at the time).
Now she has an independent living cottage two hours from me. She chose to move there to be closer to me. I have had to arrange for various types of assistance such as housekeeping and a physical therapist who comes to her house. A friend of mine now goes up for about three days a week to stay with her since I can’t because she doesn’t like two of my dogs. This week I will be interviewing a caretaker that I hope will check on her the days no one else is there. I go up at least once a week but usually more and have witnessed her interactions with each of these people so I know she enjoys their company and all the attention she gets. She still calls and talks about how lonely she is. Her complaints when she calls are based on that specific moment, not the overview of how she feels. I have had to learn that and let it go in one ear and out the other since I know that the moment one of her helpers shows up her mood will change. I have always been the one she trusts to vent to. Now I think her complaints are redirected frustrations about not being able to do the activities she used to do. There was also a large helping of trying to guilt me into coming up more as others have suggested but she has gotten better about that with each helper I have found for her. As for her complaints, I just let her vent and get her frustrations out. I think she is learning that I don’t respond to the constant emotional manipulation now since I know she has people around her. She still asks when I’m coming to see her next and says I haven’t been up for a while even if I was just up the day before but that’s is her memory loss and no longer used for manipulation. She has been in the community where she is now for over a year and it has been a gradual adjustment for her. She isn’t quite ready for AL or MC though I think she will actually be happier when that time comes because she will have people around more. I know I will always be the one she vents to. It is too bad that by being their most trusted sounding boards they share their negative feelings with us much of the time.

I also think the two things can be true. First her mood can probably change on a dime so it may be more pronounced that she is happy during activities and time with her new group but still depressed when she’s alone and forgets how happy she was during the day. We all handle our alone time differently and for those that tend toward depression it’s the time we focus on it most and throwing in a disease like Alzheimer’s the lasting affects of a great day probably don’t exist, it goes along with the self centered world that often closes in as we become more in-firmed.

She also moved to this facility after one for a medical need prior to which she was living in your home. She is used to seeing you every day, good or bad, it’s been part of her routine, part of her grounding and I imagine if you think about it she frequently seemed depressed or wanted to know how long you would be gone if you went out prior to her hospitalization. When she was in rehab perhaps you did visit more or perhaps it was the same thing but she likely needs to work through her focus of stability being seeing you and adapt to it simply knowing you are only a call away and you aren’t going anywhere. Her constantly asking when you will come visit may not charge too meaning you will have to adapt to simply answering the question, “I’m coming on Tuesday Mom” and leaving it at that. I think this attachment thing is why facilities often suggest family not visit for a couple weeks or more giving the new resident an opportunity to adjust to the new norm and transfer some of that attachment. There is security in routine but as we can’t remember the routine it must make that adaptation harder. There is also the simple answer that “when are you coming to visit” is a common social nicety many of us picked up as young children and is simply that, not really a need question if that makes any sense.

She can enjoy her new friends and miss her daughter, look forward to your visits at the same time.

Yes, my dad cried miserable and the facility said doing great.

I went and hid around corners to see for myself and my dad was doing WAAAAAYYYYYY better then he would have had me believe he was doing.

I recommend going and being a fly on the wall, don't let her or anyone that might acknowledge your presence see you, then you will know for yourself how she is really doing.

Remember, nobody is happy every moment, so she will never be either, just life.

The only thing you can ensure for her is that she is safe, fed and well cared for. Happiness is something that comes from within and it sounds like she has always been dysfunctional. A mom should have been the buffer between her drunken choice and the children she created with it, not you. Sorry if that feels sharp I just get so sad reading yet another story of a mom placing herself as a burden on her young children that continues until death, it's wrong of every parent that does that.

Boundaries are the only way you will get through this. Ask your counselor for help with those. They will help you so very much.

they may be lying or she may just also be depressed. you can say, "I'd love to have some pictures or videos of my mom when she is socializing."
ask if you can have a video chat camera in her room. and/or a Wyse camera.

That is no doubt the standard answer to your question. I get that all the time. Trust your eyes, not what they tell you. Even the part about she's got friends etc. is the easy answer for you. It is sad but you will never get the care you think you would for what you pay (if you are footing the bill). If you arent footing the bill then you are very lucky indeed. Accept all but the most outrageos treatment and move on. Your options are more of the same at a different place.
Good Luck

Please seek out group meetings near you or online, "Adult Children of Alcoholics."
https://adultchildren.org/

Alcoholism affects everyone in the family, it even affects how the partner/spouse raises his/her children.

Do NOT trust the staff! They WILL lie to make you believe everything is fine. It is best if you can get home care where you or your mother have complete control over who is helping her and what they are giving her. We have a program here called IRIS that helps people stay in their own home if they can not afford to pay for the care. They also allow family as care givers. You will be much more at ease if you know what is really going on.

ALSO, PLEASE GET HER OFF THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS! ...Antidepressant medications, such as Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, Zoloft, etc., are associated with a twofold increase in the odds of developing some form of cognitive impairment, such as dementia, including Alzheimer’s. There are natural alternatives like Bergamot or Lavender essential oils, magnesium chloride, etc.

Hire a Visiting Angel to visit on a regular basis, but at different times, especially when it's time to eat and during activities.

I am in a similar situation. My mom has been in a memory care AL for 2 months & says she hates it there & I have to help her get out. I always leave feeling guilty & wanting to let her go live back at home, alone, because this is what she says she wants. She says that I took away her freedom & rights, which I have, for her safety. She doesn’t see it that way, nor will she ever understand that I did it to keep her safe. I always question myself if I did the right thing.

Fact check every word that comes out of a chronic manipulators mouth. If staff says shes doing grest, betcha $100 she is.

Show up unexpectedly to see yourself how she's doing and interacting. My mother was the face of pure misery to me while in MC, but all sweetness and life to the staff, even blowing them kisses. How cute, huh? 😑

Complaining is reserved for their loved ones so they can put on the Ritz and look sweet to staff while pretending to be long suffering, bored and tragically sad in spite of lots going on and socialization opportunities left and right.

Being conditioned for life with manipulative FOG techniques means you have to recognize the games for what they are, and sidestep them.

You can't fix dementia so while it's heartbreaking to witness, be glad mom has the opportunity to be cared for in MC and you can leave when the histrionics ramp up. No use giving yourself a nervous breakdown when mom is being properly cared for. We all have health issues in old age to contend with and no free pass to make our family's lives miserable bc of them.

Good luck to you

J123SH: The loved one/adult child of the elderly parent is generally the recipient of complaints. To those caring for her in the memory care facility, she is able to be the 'sweet person' that she is. She's only been there a month and does seem to be adapting. I felt like my mother treated me as the proverbial 'chopped liver,' yet she turned on the charm to anyone who visited us.
Good luck to you.

One possible explanation is that she calls you in between interaction with staff and residents. I am in AL and a friend with memory problems is similar. She is terrific when socializing, everyone likes her and tries to include her, but she forgets what she has done or is going to do. When I catch her alone, she always complains that nothing happens here. It is a very sad characteristic of serious memory problems. You might discuss it with the staff; someone might be able to remind her of activities or think of some things she can do. We are trying to give my friend some jobs that fit her good social skills, like helping host the weekly cocktail party. I have learned that a good friend of hers helped her with these reminders, but has left the facility.

Hello, you aren't alone. My mom has been in AL for nearly 4 years. Dementia is now increasing as are her behaviors. When she calls my sister or I, it's always when are you coming over, you're too busy to see me, I need this/that, and she vents about everything negative in her surroundings, the employees, food etc. "Everything is in shambles here". The negativity is endless. I would ask her caregivers more often about how she is, and turn it into positives with your loved one about their activities, what was fun today, etc. Change the topic when she brings up the negative. They forget about the negative things more often. I bring up what is new with her grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc. And don't be so hard on yourself, take time for you! She is in good care and will adjust with time.

What you are experiencing is typical, memory impaired facility or not.

Assuming that she went to the MC without significant agitation, I suggest that you do an unannounced visit and see for yourself. You can get a schedule of activities from the head nurse and fact-check it with your Mom before showing up.

Words like sweet and cooperative are relative to the others in the MC unit. What you view as sweet and cooperative, might be different than what they view as sweet and cooperative.

...and last word: be prepared for mental manipulation from your Mom. Plan your exit strategy (I go just before meals.)