Does anyone else feel that their mother treats their sons differently than daughters?

In our family my brother is the Golden Child. Both my parents feel that way. Dad always have felt since I was a very young child that I was damaged goods and Mum does not like girls at all.

Not a great environment to grow up in.

I think there are variations in different families. One of my sibling gets a pass no matter what, always has. I finally learned not to get upset by it. All that did was give me indigestion and not change anything else a bit

Funny that you should ask this, I was just thinking about it the other day. My brother was definitely the golden boy. He was nine years older and could do no wrong until he married a woman my mother didn't like. His wife didn't like her either so it was mutual. My parents were divorced and we had no relatives close so I was my mother's fall-back. She became much closer to me and we ended up with what in Chicago is known as a two-flat so she had her own apartment and my children went back and forth with her a lot. It all went pretty well until it became evident she was failing and we went through the progressively more intense steps and the reality that she was coming to the point where she wasn't safe at home. When it finally came to the point of looking at memory care I called my brother and asked if he was interested in helping me with placement or did he want Mom near him. Neither he nor his wife were at all interested so it fell to me. I was able with Mom's last shred of cognitive abilities to take her to an elder law attorney and created an irrevocable trust to protect her. It was hard placing her at first but she seemed to acclimate very well and the people were very kind. My brother came into town occasionally and always wanted to "do lunch" with Mom, which for her was pureed something. She did very well for several years and finally passed in her late 80's. Brother never asked in all the years about Mom's finances which were actually pretty good due to inheritance and some shrewd stock buys. I had a stockbroker friend who handled her stocks and believe it or not, private pay for 7 years and she never lost any money. Guess by the way who was her selected inheritor.

Her last years weren't the best but we did what we could and she slipped away peacefully in her sleep.

Maybe she knows she cannot get by with yelling at him? That there would be some negative repercussions? The truth is often that we take advantage and assume the person closest to us can "take it". As far as Mom's and sons? I wouldn't know, having on girls. But I will say that we love each child differently just as we love each person we ever loved differently. I cannot say more or less. I can only say different, as each relationship is so unique.
Your Mom may not take your brother to task because she knows it would do no good. Why bother? Where would it get one, but more loss.
As to her yelling at you, how about you look her right in the eye and say "I know you are my Mom and I know you love me, and I know you know I love YOU, but let me tell you, human being to human being, it is NOT OK to yell at me. And when you do it I will withdraw from you for a while, for my own sake. Doesn't mean I don't love you. Just means I will give myself a break.
I think if you plan on your Mom joining you in anger at the bro? That's a waste of your time. You know the sitch and so does she, and it won't change. He is what he is.

My mother has always favored my son over my daughter and makes no bones about it. Part of it is the generation..........they think men are better than women, in general, and part of it is the narcissistic tendencies, treating the boys/men like the golden children they AREN'T. My daughter does MUCH more for her grandmother than my son, yet the sun rises and sets on HIM. My DD is a second class citizen in her eyes, as I am, and that's how it will always be. She says foul things to both of us women, yet heaps the praise on my son who doesn't deserve it. In fact, she heaps praise on my EX HUSBAND saying that 'he did so many wonderful things for me' when in reality, it was ME who did the wonderful things, not him! She feels like it was 'his money' that paid for the 'wonderful things' not mine..........see where I'm going with this?

It's a no win situation so don't bother trying. Your brother will always be the golden child to your parents..........the less he does, the more golden he shall be. Unfair and stupid as hell, but typical.

My mother treated my brother differently. A slight cough or sneeze from him would prompt my mom to smother him with questions of how he was, if he rested, took any medicine, etc. But I could cough my head off on the phone with her telling her I was sick, she still asked me to come over and take her places. That's mother for you.

My dad, on the other hand, when he was alive, doted on me, and took me places, but left the boys at home.

Raising my hand in disgust of my mom & dad’s sexist, unfair “preference” for me as 100% caregiver, mommy & cheerleader. (They never did this for me as a kid.)

My brother’s too busy doing things around the house (drinking alcohol & smoking cannabis) to help. He reeked of one or the other until I pointed it out. Now he smells like cheap drugstore cologne.

I bailed last month on all three until things change. I’m not holding my breath, except for the stench of pot or Old Spice.

Thanks, OP, for this. It’s an injustice to hardworking adult daughters. Should be a rallying cry for change.

I'm pretty certain this is a natural phenomenon among humans. Fathers and sons . .fight. Mothers and daughters . .fight.

Mothers and sons . . .best friends. Fathers and daughters . . best friends.

Something I've observed my whole life with other families. It seems to be an anomaly when a mother and daughter get along like BFF's . . or fathers and sons.

I'm pretty sure you're not alone with this situation. Hell, even my mom liked my husband more than me. Yeap. Only child/daughter here. My mom practically ignored me when both of us visited her. Still , not easy to take, is it. *sigh*

My grandmother treated her sons differently than her daughters. She babied the sons. She loved the daughters but didn't baby them. It was clear that the sons were her favorites. It bothered my mother a lot. My mother took care of grandmother but sons were off marrying and divorcing.

I always got along wonderfully with my mom. All through her life I was the one that came through for her during health crisis, financially, you name it. During her last years I did just about everything. Brother nothing. But when he walked into the room her face would light up.

I know she loved me and we had a close relationship but I always saw how brother didn't have to do anything and he stole her heart. In fact all three of my brothers, the same thing.

It hurt sometimes but I just accepted it.

Yes, sadly. I always felt that my parents preferred my brother because he is practically minded whereas I am bookish. My mum says it's too much for my brother to drive a 45-mile round trip to visit her but expects us to take her wherever she needs to go and offers us no help with the fuel. She has also given my brother and sister-in-law money over the years for cars or home improvements (they earn more than we do but are a bit wasteful), whereas we seldom get offered anything. I don't want or need her money, by the way; just don't appreciate the apparent unfairness. We are about to have a second granddaughter and my mum said she wishes it was a boy.

Wow. I never knew how common this is. Grew up with learning how unfair life is. I was the oldest of 3. Only daughter. The 2 sons were my narcissist father's favorites. My whole life everything I accomplished or did for parents was never enough. I never asked for help. They gave my brothers so much. Guess who ended up with all the caregiving responsibilities when they got old, feeble and even more abusive? Yup. Me. Brothers off living their carefree lives. Folks gone now, finally over. I was the dutiful daughter and at least i have the last laugh. I am the sole trustee of their estate. I paid myself back for a lot of what i spent on their care. I will wait the full year before I disburse their portion of inheritance and then no more contact with toxic family. I'm done. They burned the bridge and then wonder why I don't visit. "Blood ain't thicker than peace of mind." Thankfully I don't have kids to burden and I have made plans for my care when the time comes.

I'm the daughter turned caregiver to being my father who passed some years ago. He did everything for her and I'm in this position. My two brothers, one who is older doesn't drive and my younger one lives about 50 miles away and here I am. I hate not being her daughter just a handyman, driver and medication preparer.
We're discussing homecare but she lost the paperwork that was left by our consultant back in February.
She's doing the weirdest things, she could've called the younger brother to fix her outside faucet but didn't. She said it was too rusty, no way he could've fixed it? He's in heating and plumbing!
So seeing everyone posting makes me feel better, too!
You might think about getting outside help so you can repair your relationship with your mother? I'm hoping less confrontation will let the mending begin. We love them but they don't understand that at a certain age roles reverse and want to continue to be the mom.
Love and luck to all!

Oh, I got lots to say on this! My brother is 5 years older. I don't think either of us were stuck in one place or another. Some days I was the golden, some days he was. Depended on however Mom was feeling that day.

She wanted a girl, but not for the right reasons. She wanted a Mini-Me. I was a living doll to dress up and show off. I wasn't ME, I was an extension of HER. I was never a tomboy but after awhile I was tired of the frilly dresses and bows. Tired of "Show [relative or friend] your dress! Twirl around!". That's when it went downhill. She saw I was not going to be what she expected and it made her crazy. My brother didn't get this pressure; being a boy, of course he wouldn't be like her.

I think some of "my mother hated girls" comes from the mom's own self loathing. My mom acts confident, but really has little self-confidence. She is all about appearances since she feels it's all she has to offer. In their daughters, they see everything they hate about themselves. Some moms are jealous of their daughter's youth or qualities the daughter has that Mom doesn't. Love is a competition to these mothers. If daughter becomes "daddy's little girl", they get angry that daughter gets so much attention and she doesn't. It's twisted.

Also, daughters are often raised to be helpless. I know I was. That we can't make it on our own. Boys are pushed out into the world and less afraid. Girls get taught early on how the world is dangerous and to watch how they dress, act, and so on. Boys, almost never. If a daughter is grown but has no family of her own, she's still considered part of her parents, like she's still a kid. Think of a wedding, when the pastor says “Who gives this woman in marriage?”. I’ve never heard “who gives this MAN in marriage?”. Boys become independent MEN as soon as they’re legal adults.

A friend of mine was born to older parents. They'd had two boys prior and she was an "Oops, I thought it was menopause!" baby. Her mother was narcissistic and smothering. From the time my friend was in high school, her mother would tell her, "Well, I guess you'll be the one taking care of us when we're old and gray." They already WERE old and gray! The boys could go as they pleased, and even told my friend they were glad they were boys, so they wouldn't have to take care of Mom. She'd tell my friend she couldn't make it on her own. What she really meant was "I can't make it on my own, so when I'm widowed you'll need to stay with me." Whaddaya know, friend said hell no and left.

Parents are quite often closer to the opposite sex children for some reason.

Yes, my Mom definitely treated my 2 brothers (now both deceased) much better then she treated me. I really never knew why so this topic is very interesting to me. I was told by outsiders that my Mom was jealous of me but who knows?

Now it many years later and I take care of my Mom and our relationship totally changed for the better. Go figure...

The family reunion food expectations pretty well illustrates how differently my mom treats my brother and me. Whenever there is large family reunion, my mother will call me weeks ahead of time and ask what I am bringing. My answer is always that I don't know but will come up with something a day or so ahead. I work full time. Still, I usually take some kind of main dish and some kind of side dish - both exceeding what my husband and I will eat by a lot. She then goes through the entirely over the top list of things that she intends to bring, which at this point is always beyond her physical ability to carry through on. Then she says, I told your brother not to worry about bringing anything.

Absolutely. This is a fact of life. I saw it with my grandmothers, my own mother, and my MIL. At times it can be unfair, but resistance is futile.

Part of it might be sociological, dating back MANY generations/years. Some of the older parents likely consider the male to be the "breadwinner" and useful, where the females are considered the care-takers and baby ovens.

There are still places in the world where they practice female infanticide! It is so bad in some small villages that there are no marriageable women! Sons are better in their minds, because the ones they marry bring in the "dowry", whereas a daughter will cost them when she marries as THEY have to pay the dowry!

That said, there are always other dynamics at play. Some people make lousy parents, treating some kids as golden child and ignoring or abusing the others. Some care as equally as possible for all their kids. Although it has been too long since dowries were used, women certainly were still considered second class. Long time to get the vote, probably still no equal pay, etc.

Unclear really what our mother thought (at this point she may not even know who my brothers are, since they don't visit.) I did get tired of hearing how my OB called EVERY Sunday (her emphasis, not mine!) Yet I would call a couple of times each week. Whatever. He isn't local, so he calls, sends cards, etc. Does he really care? Who knows. Last trip here was over 2 years ago and I sent him to visit one morning so I could get ready for us to go clean out her condo. He REFUSED to go again the whole time he was here, as he "didn't know what to do with her." This from someone who found out how much MC is and said for that kind of money, he'd take her in! YB was the one she generally called if she needed something done. Now? The only thing I had to ask was for him to take over transport to one treatment which is 4x/year (she won't stand/walk and I can't support her weight) - he tries to get out of it and BMCs about it. FOUR times/year and he's got more years to go before he can retire - by then mom will likely be gone and he's free and clear! She'll be 97 in a few weeks, who knows how long she has left, but likely not that long. Meanwhile, OB skates and I get to manage/juggle everything and do the visiting (b4 lockdown.)

I will say before they did lockdown, she had not asked about either of them in a long time. I wonder if she has forgotten them? She knew me, but now it has been several months... wondering if she'll know me (no way to communicate - no window facing out, she can't hear on a phone or tablet and recently they allow outside visits, but you have to stay 6+ ft away, so she won't be able to hear me!

Anyway, I do think it might be more common, esp among the oldest generation. But it doesn't apply in all cases - as noted, there are many factors that go into family dynamics, this just happens to be one that might be a little more common and certainly noticeable! However, the mindset can also be learned, so if someone grows up under that environment, they might raise their own kids that way too. It's only when we recognize those things we don't like and actively attempt to avoid doing that when raising our own! I have one girl, one boy. Treated pretty much the same, valued their differences and encouraged their strengths. Tried to instill values in them, rather than judgments!

The sons are the golden child. The same happened with me and I was caring for my mom and brother would not do a think to give me a break. He’d call and she’d tell him “oh you don’t have to come see me...you’re tired” he would not come for 2-3 weeks at a time.

She ended up with dementia and he took control of her finances and started to tell me how I was going to do everything. I told him he could just do it himself and stopped helping.

After that he took her to a lawyer, had her sign a unlimited DPOA that he had drafted and amended her trust to benefit himself 100%.

I found out 1 1/2 years later about this but in the meantime he I wouldn’t let my mom see or speak to myself or my sons. That was over 2 years ago. My mom will be 98 next month and I’ve been fighting to see her since.

So, my point is....if you are the one doing everything, make sure you are her medical and financial POA. My mom trusted him and he took complete advantage and we were close before all this. Control and greed really takes over in some people. Best wishes to you.

Tell your mother to stop yelling at you. Walk away when she does. Don't put up with it. Call him and designate shared responsibilities. Forget your brother's feelings or her relationship with him.

A lot of it unfortunately is passed down from generation to generation. I was very blessed with my parents because my mom is an only and my dad was a second son, so basically was there to facilitate his older brother's responsibilities as well as his own, so his older brother was free to be a (insert ugly word of your choice). So my parents were always very balanced in how my brother and I were raised. My poor DH and his sister...sigh. Their mom was raised to wait on men, any man, hand and foot (loved her but had alot of reeducation with my husband in early married years to counteract that!). FIL was catered to from birth. His grandmother, his mother, his sisters were told to do anything he asked in the absence of his mother and grandmother. Pair that with a naturally narcissistic personality was a recipe for disaster. MIL continued seeing to his every need (often at the expense of their children). Full blown narcissist that believes EVERYONE was put on earth to see to his needs now. He treats both siblings horribly and they were raised to instinctively obey, so that has taken work but they are pushing back hard now.
We have worked to break the cycle in our family.
But the result from MIL/FIL was favoring DH, BIL(not even their kid) and their one grandson over all of the females. MIL loved her granddaughters and at least acknowledged them. FIL only discusses our nephew when talking about his grands, and that is only to talk about how much $ he makes, sigh....

Absolutely! In my case, it was my MIL treating her son and myself so differently.

I remember a Monday morning that I called her (make sure she made it through the night since she was still asleep when I left). When she answered, she let me know that she needed an enema. I told her I was at work 30 minutes away and couldn't bring her one until later. I also asked her why she didn't tell me she needed one the night before.

That didn't go over well and it got to the point of her yelling at me, "If I get impacted, it's going to be your fault!! Then, how much time will you have to take off work to take me to the hospital?!"

I suggested that she call her son and ask him to get the enema for her since he was closer to home.

Her reply? "He can't do it. He needs to go to work."

Fortunately, I called my hubby, he got the enema, and set his mom straight that my job is important also.

MIL was from the generation that women did the caregiving. That got old since I was the only female in the house and she assumed I would do it all.

I'm trying hard to raise my three boys with different expectations for themselves and women.

My mom had her trust set up 50/50 too until she got dementia & he took her to the lawyer.

We no longer have a relationship.....haven’t spoken in over 2 years and we are the only siblings.

My son & my husband told me he would do this but I didn’t believe them because we were close. How wrong I was!

The nature of the beast....Some mom's are just stuck with the expectation that boys are "better than" and girls are still somehow the responsible ones for all things household and caregiving. Doesn't matter that we still have careers, manage to raise families, run households, AND yet, still are responsible for their demands. Or that many have reached retirement age and when it's time to enjoy life a bit and dote on the grand babies, we are expected to be at their beck and call.

"Life isn't fair" and we have all experienced our share of just how profound that statement is. When favoritism among siblings rears it's ugly head we can either ignore it, fight it, or accept it for what it is. My brother is useless when it comes to helping out, and has been a financial drain (not because of necessity) on my parents. BUT....rest assured, when all is said and done he will be first in line with his hand out to get his share of the estate. I've resolved to help my parents as best to my ability without compromising my own health and well being. I won't do more. They chose to put my brother's selfish wants ahead of being fair to their daughters. I will never put my kids through the pain of thinking for one second that I played favorites.

Im in the exact same position. My husband and I take care of everything my mom needs. The worse thing about it is that during these past 4 years I've had 17 surgeries on my left leg and just last month it was decided my right leg should just be amputated because I do want a life and after all those surgeries the outcome wasn't what we expected. My husband had to quite his job to take care of me and since 2017 my mother. My brother never calls, sends her a fruit basket for every holiday and goes to his cttage EVERY weekend. He will not and has not helped one tiny bit!!! If I say something about my feelings toward him she gets angry. The best thing is that somehow we come out the bad guys. My husband now suffers severe depression and I need a leg amputated. Still, no help.

With further reading, the issue of the trust came up. 50/ 50. All she has left is the house. He won't even help with any of the repairs. They have plenty of money. I am a physician but had to be off work 7 years so far, go on disability and now I'm getting better, my husband that took care of me and my mother, is an engineer. Quit work 7 years ago. They don't offer to contribute a cent nonetheless an hour of their time. I'm the girl who wrote about the bedbugs. I truly am at my wit's end. Not only do I have all my illnesses, but a very severely depressed husband that no longer speaksor does anything around the home or out grown children and extremely limited income at this time. I'm doing all this and trying to get ready for an amputation and work at the same time. I have no where to turn and I am burnt out on taking care of everyone. I need a break. I seriously feel out of control at times. Everyone else is just lying around while I break my back. Today I just decided to wipe my hands of it and start looking at options for me and my life only .

I’ve answered to this so many times I’m weary of it. My entire family life was about being treated differently because I was female. I saw a shrink about it, managed to tell them (nicely) about it, and a little changed. Bottom line is my mother, when older & needing help, still expected everything of me, and nothing of her sons: they were her idols; I was her servant.
I did as much for her as I felt was reasonable, hired a helper here & there - whom she would then fire. Then I told her I was hiring someone to take care of certain things and, that if she fired this person, these things would not be done. I had to lay down the law. You have to draw boundaries.
Things are changing these days but I was born into the old order; as the only girl, it was not fun.

Yes, my mother baby’s my brother all the time. He can do no wrong. I’m a CNA work midnights n come home n my brother is retired. He sleeps all day n I’m lucky if I get 4 hours sleep. Thts ok with my mom. She is very unfair to me.

Yes, but we can teach our kids better.