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Mom (88) fell and broke her femur in Feb. and is in rehab. Dad (95) had a stroke 6 yrs ago now can't take care of himself and mom can't either any longer. Dad has been staying with me and my husband but is too much. Dad can't be left alone and hollers almost constantly, so I decided to put dad in with mom long term, now I just feel horrible. I know I'm not capable of taking care of both of them. I've basically been doing it for 10yrs anyway. They live next door and I've been driving them and doing everything for them already, even though they have hospice and a care taker that's only a few hours a week. Me and my husband who also works full time, do everything else. We were going to move them in with us and started modifying our home to accommodate, but then mom fell and broke her leg. Dad has been here while we have been under construction, and it's been a chaotic mess. I and my husband are exhausted, we never get a break more than a few hours here and there. I got dad into the same facility with mom, but because of this stupid covid (I'm sorry but it's a bs) dad has to quarantine for 14days. We can visit mom outside they can hug and kiss, but when he goes in they will be separated and he will be alone for 14 days. It's crazy and stupid. I'm terrified he will die in quarantine from loneliness and heartbreak. He gets very scared if left alone too long. And now that I've got it all worked and he goes in tomorrow, I feel horrible. I feel like a terrible daughter. I'm 60yrs old and my blood pressure is through the roof over all of this. Everyone keeps telling me it's the right thing to do, but it doesn't help. I haven't slept in days because this whole thing has me so stressed out. I love them, and feel like I'm throwing them away. But I am so worn out, I would love to just have a few days of quiet, to be able to use the bathroom without dad hollering none stop because he doesn't know where I'm at even though I tell him. It's crazy. And Mom makes me feel guilty like that's exactly what I'm doing. Oh wish this stupid covid scare would end. So we can visit more. So stupid. Angry, sad and hurt.

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I'm so sorry for the exhaustion and distress you're suffering. You've done yeoman's work of caring for them for the past 10 years -- bravo! From your own words you have outlined how impossible it has become. You are not feeling guilt (because you're not doing anything "wrong"), you're feeling grief, and lots of it. Many on this forum have gone through what you are now. Some are still in it. Here in my state we can become authorized as "essential caregivers" by the facility so we are freely allowed into my MIL's LTC. You should ask the admin if this is an option. Everything about aging is hard. Try to focus on what the blessings for them have been: great care by a loving daughter and long lives. Honestly that's more than many seniors get. FYI my MIL got covid last May and was deathly sick for 4 weeks. Her sons came to say "good bye" and she was put in hospice. Couldn't even have window visits because she was so weak she couldn't even look up or hold a phone to her ear. Then, after 1 week on hospice she had a total rebound and complete recovery. My point is that you may be "horrible-izing" something that hasn't happen yet. Matthew 6:34 in scripture wisely says, "...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Take things 1 day at a time and deal with it as it comes. It might not go as you fear. May you gain peace in your heart.
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Sorry for your experience, you’re exhausted. None of this is anyone’s fault, it’s the course life has taken. You’ve been a wonderful caregiver and will continue in a new role overseeing your parent’s care rather than directly providing it. Your parents, if they were whole, would want a better life for you. I wish you all peace
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I agree COVID has been politicized in the most heartless ways from day one, and stories like yours anger me.

The stress and anxiety you describe indicate that you made the right decision for your parents for yourself. You need this as much as they do, and that's okay to admit to yourself. You guys are a family, and in a family, everyone is important. Just because they're getting older doesn't mean your needs suddenly disappear or are irrelevant. You've taken wonderful care of them.

People in their conditions can adjust to changes, even big ones. It takes a much longer time, but they can get used to their new surroundings. As well as you have done for the last 10 years, it sounds like your dad really needs professional care now, and that is what you have provided for him. You are meeting his needs by hiring professionals just as much as you did for all those years when he was with you. The only difference is, his needs have changed, not your willingness to help him or your love for your parents.
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LoopyLoo Apr 2021
Covid is quite real and quite deadly. It killed some of my friends’ parents (in their 70s). Over 500k people dead isn’t BS. Nor is it politics.

I get why some see precautions as excessive. I’m sick of it too! So I wear a mask and got the vaccine to do my part in getting this stupid virus under control.
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You poor dear, you sound totally wrung out and exhausted.

I often read here that folks think their loved ones will die quickly if admitted to a facility. I think that is a false belief.

Certainly, if a family waits until their elder is very ill, or the elder is admitted after risky surgery and succumbs from the effects of that, you can see why the statistics often show that old people don't live very long in these facilities.

My own experience was quite different. My mom, age 90, was admitted to LTC after a stroke and broken hip that was surgically repaired. She lived, pretty contentedly, for another 4 1/2 _years and got to meet 2 more great grandchildren. We held raucous holiday parties in the facility's community room and mom was able to go back to her room to rest when she'd enough of the clamor.

She got excellent care from the staff; they so often noticed a UTI or pneumonia brewing before there were any real symptoms. And mom SO benefitted from the fact that there was a geriatric psychiatrist on staff who was able to get mom on the right cocktail of antidepressant and antianxiety meds so that she wasn't writhing with dread and fear all the time.

I would encourage you to give this a 2 week trial; get your rest and clarity back and see if at that time, dad hasn't adjusted and you are content to go back to being a loving daughter who visits and advocates for your parents.
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Look ahead to fourteen days from now. They will be together in a safe environment with the level of equipment, expertise and support that they need. You will be visiting them regularly. Your heart rate will gradually be returning to normal.

And tell your mother to do the same. And let the trained staff reassure and support your father.

I don't just think this is right, I think the decision you have made is *best.* It's the getting to it that's the bummer.
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Dad won't be alone for 14 days. He'll be interacting with dedicated Covid staff -- just not the rest of the residents. He'll be fine.

You did the right thing.
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You've done the lion's share and then some.

Moving dad and mom in together will be best for both of them, and for you. You'll be of much better use to them when you've had sleep and time to clear your heads.

14 days will go by quickly. Dad will have to adjust--it just is what it is.

COVID is real, and is a horrible thing to have as an elder and a horrible death. It HAS been over-politicized and that makes me angry, but I can't change it.

Our elders will adapt better than we think they will. I find that, with mother, if I don't 'catastrophize' a situation, she does better. She will worry herself sick about something small (her world is pretty small) and it usually doesn't even come to pass.

You MUST take care of yourself. If your folks are like my mom, they'll dump all their worries on the kids and then fuss, fuss, fuss over small stuff. Or we do it to ourselves..I don't know which is worse!
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Update on mom and dad, another nursing home called this morning just as we were getting ready to take dad in, and they have a room for both of them ready, they can transfer mom and they will be in the same room for observation....together, aaand i can go into the facility and visit with them, even while under observation, i just have to test, and wear ppe, and after the 14 day "observation", (better word than quarantine btw) i only need to wear a mask. Thank God, prayers answered. And yes i know the covid flu is real its just not the pandemic they are saying, yes many many people die from the flu every year sadly, i hate that. But this is more about control than safety or sanity. I am so sorry to people that have had it just like anyone that has had any of the covid flu's in the past, h1n1, swine flu, bird flu, and have died or suffered, i lost a sister to cancer 20 yrs ago, she suffered for 4 years before succumbing, i understand pain and loss.
Anyway thank you all so very much for the replies. God bless you all. And seriously so very sorry for any loss anyone has suffered.
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Last1standing May 2021
Update on mom and dad in nursing facility, it was horrible,dad went to hospital within 10 days with pneumonia, because of neglect, 5 days later went back to nursing home, they were moved to a different hallway better caretakers but the pneumonia pretty much did him in, yesterday he passed away. As soon as moms therapy is up on the 11th she is coming home, hate leaving her there alone, never ever put your parents in a nursing facility if you can help it they are all horrible. And if you have to, most definitely put in a nanny cam, the last week we put one in, dramatic change in care when they know you are watching. AND THE DR.S IN THE FACILITIES DONT HAVE A CLUE WHAT THEY ARE DOING THEY SCREWED UP BOTH MY PARENTS MEDS, had very difficult time getting that squared away. My thing if you are going to get a job in nursing home, make sure you love old people. Otherwise go somewhere else. Horrible horrible experience, as soon as moms therapy is done im turning them in to the state, dont want retaliation on my mom.
I could go on and on about how i wrote notes and explained how to take care of my dad, but they did not care or even try on the first hall they were on, the next hall the male med tech was awesome, but but then the damage was already done. Very difficult for a 95 yr. Old with copd and asthma to come back from pneumonia. He walked in and a month later was carried out in a bag. I am pretty angry, at them and myself. I was stupid to think it was a good thing to do. Thought they would be better equipped and could care for both of them better. Hah! What a joke these places are. I saw one poor old guy eating off the floor while the nurse that was spose to be watching slept i had to try to wake her up, then went to help the guy myself just for her to then wake up and start hollering at me that i couldnt mess with the other residents. So i basically told her to do her job then. So 2 separate nursing homes 2 bad experiences. I pray i never end up in one, found out last week i have a cousin that worked in one for awhile in another state, and she agreed they are all horrible, there are some good people in them but the abuse and neglect out weigh the good usually.
So will be having a memorial for dad when i can get mom out. Sure miss dad knew he didn't have a lot of time left but wish it could have been easier and kinder. It was a death sentence for him. I made the wrong choice. And know i have to live with it. Breaks my heart. Now i am watching every move, also the nanny cam has audio, and i dont hesitate to let them know. I hear, and can respond. Probably shouldnt say this, but i am.
Really overweight lazy people should not work as caregivers or nurses. Its rediculous. Ok my rant is over, im just sad and angry. Bye.

PS. Still zero rest, in fact its worse now.
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