It's like I'm two people -one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. Does anyone else feel like the Incredible Hulk?

I so understand you, JessieBelle! You are so correct. I want to thank you for providing me with a situation for which I empathize (because I really thought my empathy was a thing of the past.)

(Begin rant:) It is a soul-deadening task taking care of bpd/narc elders who believe they are entitled to your help. My dad tells me all the time he “praises god for giving him a girl so he could be taken care of in his old age.” It’s my “duty to honor him like jesus obeying god to give his life for us all.” I completely hulked upon hearing that. (Thanks for turning god into a narcissist and making jesus a poster boy for child abuse, old man.) As soon as he’s eligible for asst lvg or NH, I will have no qualms about placing him. (End rant)

Small acts of kindness do wonders for one’s brain - releasing hormones to improve the mood, lowering blood pressure, generally making the world a better place.

I *know* I am being more than charitable to my father, and to purge myself from his vile attitudes, I go out of my way to help strangers, even if it’s as simple as holding the door open for them. Tiny kindnesses like this keeps me (almost) sane and (mostly) humane.

Strangely enough I found something that helped. I donated a little money to the president hurricane effort and shared it around on fb. It is strange that a little act of kindness made me feel better inside, even though showing too much kindness is probably what got me in this bad mood to start with. I guess it is because when dealing with difficult elders, it is a one-way and unrelenting sacrifice and not a feel-good donation.

So being kind can be good medicine for anger? Who would have thought? The brain is a mysterious thing.

It seems fostering their independence, like your Mom's disappearance for her walk of independence requires more of the caregiver, more alertness, more skills, more on-duty time than when they are home watching t.v.

Today was like that for me, pushing myself beyond to meet his needs above my own.
Feeling a little green, a little like road rage too, and even hoping that homeless stranger did not speak to me, but he did.

Home feels like a prison, getting out feels dangerous, it's Saturday nite!  And I am home.

Jessie,
Reading your post I can't help but remember how awful things were about 3 years or so - I'm still surprised mom and I survived

Last spring when the nurse from her LTC provider came to do the annual assessment she said something kinda interesting in that little outbursts are healthy better than keeping it bottled up -
If that's the case, then that might explain why mom at 94 hardly has any wrinkles
Of course I'm turning into more of a crone with each passing day

If at possible, send mom to adult day care, or get a caregiver a few hours a week and get yourself to lunch or a movie, the gym or anything

Sadly, I do try to avoid her most of the time. I have my work to do and she can be so disagreeable. Plus she drives me crazy. She starts by showing me the poison ivy on the back of her hands that has been there since 2012. She says she needs to go to the doctor. I find the "poison ivy lotion" for her and she's happy. Then she talks about how her toe is sore and her legs are dripping water -- they're not. Then the floor needs work. I should call the foundation people. ACCCKKKK! About that time I slip out while I still have a bit of sanity. I peek in later to see she's sleeping in front of the TV. Good.

It isn't pleasant to live with someone who you absolutely dread and who watches the most dreadful TV. :-P

Jessie, you aren't turning green like the Hulk are you? Muscles bursting through clothes? That's really bad. Makes your clothes budget go through the roof.

Seriously, I'm just trying to make a joke about this to offer some light banter and raise your spirits. And just as seriously, I think mood swings and quick responses when provoked and aggravated are part of caregiving. We're often pushed to the limit yet still expect to work like pack animals. Of course we're going to burn out.

If it's any consolation, I'd become annoyed when someone has provoked me, especially like the manipulative control freak who loves to complain about my father's front yard and ask why I don't clean it up, to HER specs.

And you have a high level of conscientiousness about your mother's welfare, so you're thinking of her and her needs probably most of your waking time. And from what you described, I think your mother knows this and knows how to "pull your chain."

Can you hibernate in your room and just chill out? Just getting away from your mother for a while will help. But I have a feeling she'll create some reason for you to come out and attend to her.

I've already made the decision never to put anyone through this. I don't have children and won't expect anything from the rest of the family. I don't want to even put a stranger through it. I wish my mother was disabled enough to qualify for a NH. I wish she was well enough to live on her own. She's right there in the middle as she has been for years. Yesterday after I'd had that time with the FTD woman, I came home to my mother wanting to go out in the yard. No problem. I did have some problem putting down her rollator because she was blocking me on the steps, telling me to put it at the bottom. She didn't understand I couldn't walk through her. She went out to sit in the swing. Everything was fine for a while, but then I looked out to see she was gone. So I walked around to find her. She is very weak, so I knew she could need me to drive around to pick her up. She got mad that I checked on her and told me to just go away and leave her alone. I did walk away, but not so far I couldn't keep an eye on her.

I read something last night about frontal dementia. One of the characteristics of frontal lobe damage is the loss of empathy and knowing how to treat other people. I have a feeling I've been getting too big of doses of frontal lobe damage for one person to deal with. But then I look around at all the people who are waiting in line to help. Sigh. It is discouraging that the world is so cold.

Jessie,
I know how you feel 'cause I felt that way too when my 94 yo mom (stage 6-7 Alz) was living with us. Some days I thought I'd really loose it when she'd scream at the top of her lungs. I started doing that too. I felt like I was going insane. Wonder what the neighbors thought?

It doesn't help that I've felt more anxious in the last 2 years with other family member stuff. I made a very poor decision to bring my mom home with us when her rent went too high. Her living here only lasted 3 months but it felt like 3 years. It really is too much for one person (even with hubby's good help and a night time c/G4 nights a week) to handle. It is a "going out of your mind" situation. We couldn't sleep-let alone together in the same bed. It started affecting our marriage (he couldn't stand to see me so stressed). He was the one who suggested she live with us in the first place!

We found another memory care facility that she can afford and we moved her there last Friday. It feels like a vacation, it's been quiet and no breaking our backs or going insane with her confusion.

The only way out (other than drugs for her and/or you) is to put her in a facility. We need to give ourselves permission to live our lives the way we have chosen. God knows, I'd NEVER want to do this to my son. Just put me away and check up on me occasionally.

I feel for you. Good luck.

That was me 6 months ago, always at a slow simmer... be careful, you are probably closer to burnout than you know. Is there any way you can get away for an extended holiday? I know you think the answer is no, but if you make yourself sick someone will step in pick up the pieces, don't let it come to that. (((hugs)))