It's like I'm two people -one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. Does anyone else feel like the Incredible Hulk?

That was me 6 months ago, always at a slow simmer... be careful, you are probably closer to burnout than you know. Is there any way you can get away for an extended holiday? I know you think the answer is no, but if you make yourself sick someone will step in pick up the pieces, don't let it come to that. (((hugs)))

Jessie,
I know how you feel 'cause I felt that way too when my 94 yo mom (stage 6-7 Alz) was living with us. Some days I thought I'd really loose it when she'd scream at the top of her lungs. I started doing that too. I felt like I was going insane. Wonder what the neighbors thought?

It doesn't help that I've felt more anxious in the last 2 years with other family member stuff. I made a very poor decision to bring my mom home with us when her rent went too high. Her living here only lasted 3 months but it felt like 3 years. It really is too much for one person (even with hubby's good help and a night time c/G4 nights a week) to handle. It is a "going out of your mind" situation. We couldn't sleep-let alone together in the same bed. It started affecting our marriage (he couldn't stand to see me so stressed). He was the one who suggested she live with us in the first place!

We found another memory care facility that she can afford and we moved her there last Friday. It feels like a vacation, it's been quiet and no breaking our backs or going insane with her confusion.

The only way out (other than drugs for her and/or you) is to put her in a facility. We need to give ourselves permission to live our lives the way we have chosen. God knows, I'd NEVER want to do this to my son. Just put me away and check up on me occasionally.

I feel for you. Good luck.

I've already made the decision never to put anyone through this. I don't have children and won't expect anything from the rest of the family. I don't want to even put a stranger through it. I wish my mother was disabled enough to qualify for a NH. I wish she was well enough to live on her own. She's right there in the middle as she has been for years. Yesterday after I'd had that time with the FTD woman, I came home to my mother wanting to go out in the yard. No problem. I did have some problem putting down her rollator because she was blocking me on the steps, telling me to put it at the bottom. She didn't understand I couldn't walk through her. She went out to sit in the swing. Everything was fine for a while, but then I looked out to see she was gone. So I walked around to find her. She is very weak, so I knew she could need me to drive around to pick her up. She got mad that I checked on her and told me to just go away and leave her alone. I did walk away, but not so far I couldn't keep an eye on her.

I read something last night about frontal dementia. One of the characteristics of frontal lobe damage is the loss of empathy and knowing how to treat other people. I have a feeling I've been getting too big of doses of frontal lobe damage for one person to deal with. But then I look around at all the people who are waiting in line to help. Sigh. It is discouraging that the world is so cold.

Jessie, you aren't turning green like the Hulk are you? Muscles bursting through clothes? That's really bad. Makes your clothes budget go through the roof.

Seriously, I'm just trying to make a joke about this to offer some light banter and raise your spirits. And just as seriously, I think mood swings and quick responses when provoked and aggravated are part of caregiving. We're often pushed to the limit yet still expect to work like pack animals. Of course we're going to burn out.

If it's any consolation, I'd become annoyed when someone has provoked me, especially like the manipulative control freak who loves to complain about my father's front yard and ask why I don't clean it up, to HER specs.

And you have a high level of conscientiousness about your mother's welfare, so you're thinking of her and her needs probably most of your waking time. And from what you described, I think your mother knows this and knows how to "pull your chain."

Can you hibernate in your room and just chill out? Just getting away from your mother for a while will help. But I have a feeling she'll create some reason for you to come out and attend to her.

Sadly, I do try to avoid her most of the time. I have my work to do and she can be so disagreeable. Plus she drives me crazy. She starts by showing me the poison ivy on the back of her hands that has been there since 2012. She says she needs to go to the doctor. I find the "poison ivy lotion" for her and she's happy. Then she talks about how her toe is sore and her legs are dripping water -- they're not. Then the floor needs work. I should call the foundation people. ACCCKKKK! About that time I slip out while I still have a bit of sanity. I peek in later to see she's sleeping in front of the TV. Good.

It isn't pleasant to live with someone who you absolutely dread and who watches the most dreadful TV. :-P

Jessie,
Reading your post I can't help but remember how awful things were about 3 years or so - I'm still surprised mom and I survived

Last spring when the nurse from her LTC provider came to do the annual assessment she said something kinda interesting in that little outbursts are healthy better than keeping it bottled up -
If that's the case, then that might explain why mom at 94 hardly has any wrinkles
Of course I'm turning into more of a crone with each passing day

If at possible, send mom to adult day care, or get a caregiver a few hours a week and get yourself to lunch or a movie, the gym or anything

It seems fostering their independence, like your Mom's disappearance for her walk of independence requires more of the caregiver, more alertness, more skills, more on-duty time than when they are home watching t.v.

Today was like that for me, pushing myself beyond to meet his needs above my own.
Feeling a little green, a little like road rage too, and even hoping that homeless stranger did not speak to me, but he did.

Home feels like a prison, getting out feels dangerous, it's Saturday nite!  And I am home.

Strangely enough I found something that helped. I donated a little money to the president hurricane effort and shared it around on fb. It is strange that a little act of kindness made me feel better inside, even though showing too much kindness is probably what got me in this bad mood to start with. I guess it is because when dealing with difficult elders, it is a one-way and unrelenting sacrifice and not a feel-good donation.

So being kind can be good medicine for anger? Who would have thought? The brain is a mysterious thing.

I so understand you, JessieBelle! You are so correct. I want to thank you for providing me with a situation for which I empathize (because I really thought my empathy was a thing of the past.)

(Begin rant:) It is a soul-deadening task taking care of bpd/narc elders who believe they are entitled to your help. My dad tells me all the time he “praises god for giving him a girl so he could be taken care of in his old age.” It’s my “duty to honor him like jesus obeying god to give his life for us all.” I completely hulked upon hearing that. (Thanks for turning god into a narcissist and making jesus a poster boy for child abuse, old man.) As soon as he’s eligible for asst lvg or NH, I will have no qualms about placing him. (End rant)

Small acts of kindness do wonders for one’s brain - releasing hormones to improve the mood, lowering blood pressure, generally making the world a better place.

I *know* I am being more than charitable to my father, and to purge myself from his vile attitudes, I go out of my way to help strangers, even if it’s as simple as holding the door open for them. Tiny kindnesses like this keeps me (almost) sane and (mostly) humane.

JessieBelle, I've read your mother's medical conditions on your profile. How is she progressing with those things? To what do you attribute her physical fortitude. She is in her 90's now, right?

Madge, interesting you should suggest that Jessie go to a gym. I remember a post sometime ago when Jessie wrote about an older man hitting on her. I wonder if he's still there, watching for her, wondering where she is, and still contemplating a romantic advancement.

Jessie, what's the status of Mr. Amour?

But now Send is feeling green as well. Uh oh! Is there some type of caregiver malady that makes us feel green when we're exhausted?

OTOH, Jessie and Only have hit on something I've read about periodically over the years - the release of endorphins which improve moods, although from what I've read endorphins primarily reduce pain. (I'm probably not sharing anything that folks here don't already know, but it's a nice reminder, including to me.)

Petting animals can produce positive feelings, especially of relaxation. I understand that works for the animals as well. My niece used to take her children to a child/animal interaction event when the children sat on the floor, petted dogs and read to them. Apparently this is a very mutually beneficial activity.

And we bring pleasure to animals when we pet them, then we feel better and more relaxed as well. Therapy animals are real treasures. They've even helped veterans deal with PTSD.

Okay, anyone who's feeling green and thinking that her/his skin is turning green, find a dog or cat to hug!

Sunny, only the good die young. :)

My mother's condition is hard to guess at. She has been actively dying every day for at least eight years. It may be mental illness or factitious in order to get people (me) to do things for her. I realize she is in her last mile of life, but she is only progressing an inch a day, so she may live much longer. I don't know what is real with her, since our days are filled with imaginary illnesses and problems. This sounds cold to say, but it is what I've been seeing. She'll be 91 next month.

only001, I know exactly what you're meaning. It is so hard to keep putting effort into a bottomless pit that insists we owe it to them for some reason. I really dislike it when someone hits me upside the head with the bible. That is religious abuse for sure. We get locked into this thinking we're taught as children -- if we don't do what god says, then he is going to be unhappy and we'll go to hell. It won't be just for a day, but for an unrelenting eternity with no relief. And god not only sees everything we do, but knows everything we think. Goodness! That could scare a kid half to death, don't you think? I know I still play this scenario in my head when I think bad stuff. I wish I could purge it from my thoughts. Looking at it now I know it is abusive teaching.

Golden's mother is 105, don't forget. Just sayin'.

JessieBelle, I so feel for you. I used to find other frail elders easier to cope with than my own mother, but anyone under 75 - God, I was a bear. Hungry sleepy bear with a sore paw.

I'm better, now. Getting there, anyway...

Shall we start a badge thread? "Hazcare", for example, and we'd have to come up with a symbol for the yellow sign, too - a falls alert pendant, or a walking frame maybe.

To combine The Hulk, religion and the soul-sucking bottomless pit -

A few years ago I was at my moms IL doing my mandatory soul-sacrificing, ie caregiving, when my mother started telling me about her neighbor who had given my mom some sort of book about Jesus, the word of God and all that. My mom didn’t want the book anymore and was trying to get me to take it home with me. Mom seemed to think I would become better at sacrificing my soul if I read in this book that - A. It was my duty to do so, and B. God would look more favorably upon me if I did  - read the book.

In general, I’m not a big fan of Organized Religion - and it’s accomplishing propaganda. Add in my mother trying to force me to do yet another thing that I didn’t want to do - and there was no way in hell I was gonna take that book. That book instantly became a symbol for me trying to hang onto the small sliver of my own life and the sanctuary that was my own house. I. Was. Not. Taking. That. Book. Home. With. Me.

My defiance, my not immediately, and subservantly doing as I was told - to pick up that book and put it in my bag infuriated my mother.

My mother launched into a hateful and cruel verbal spewing of epic proportions- her head practically swiveled 360 degrees while hosing pea-green slim. All in the name of me taking this book and being a better Christian.

In the end, I took the frickin’ book - only to toss it in the first garbage can I came across while exiting the building.

But still - just picking up that book and leaving with it - letting my mother win  the battle - that she could and would continue to force me into bending to her will - now and forever - we’ll, it was just another chunk of my soul being thrown into the bottomless pit.

RainMom, I see another way of viewing the situation. You didn't take the book to read it; you took it to stop a tirade, to remove it so it wouldn't still be there the next time you came.

You found a way to circumvent the whole issue.

She didn't bent you to her will; you found a way not to allow that to happen, by removing one of the tools she could use. You disarmed her.

Is your soul really in a bottomless pit? Or did you circumvent that by removing the book?

I won't deny that I have difficulty and work on not letting myself become a victim, so I try to think of ways that I've maintained my independence and am able to see both sides of a challenging situation. I don't always succeed, but I try.

Congratulate yourself on defusing a situation w/o revealing to your mother what you really did with that book!

Ninety-one. Okay. Well, it is amazing that she still has such spirit. I think that's one way to put it. lol I think sometimes, we may laugh, only to keep from crying, though, that helps at times too.

I can imagine your ordeal, only if by a fraction, as my mom, though, not with dementia, suffers from horrific, debilitating, painful and serious ailments on a daily basis, though, is perfectly healthy, save recurring UTI's, IBS and acid reflux. (Most of which her doctors think are caused by anxiety.) So, I have to wonder if she too will be a very long living sick person. She's now in her 70's.

I'm not trying to pry, but, are you at least confident that one day, you will be compensated for your years of total devotion? I would think that would concern me.  She may no longer be able to consider that, but, hopefully, there will be some justice to this. 

JB, I know this may sound incredibly cruel to the uninitiated, but I hope your mom keels over with a fatal heart attack or stroke in the not too distant future. Given my mom's history of heart disease and stroke I would have never believed she could linger into her 99th year, as totally dependent as a newborn infant. I'll never understand how she keeps going.

Garden, actually I had gone to use the exercise equipment at the senior center when I ran into the FTD woman. I was having a cup of coffee and chatting with the ladies when the woman came up to me. When I left her I went to the exercise room and was on the bike. She came in a couple of minutes later. The gym sometimes can cause stress when people are lurking about. I decided I'm going to have to get my exercise by going walking and hiking now. People with FTD don't learn boundaries and I don't see any reason to put myself through it again. I feel sorry for the woman because she has no family or friends to help her steer her way through life. She will probably live many more years. And NO, I'm not the one to advocate for her. I can't stand her. She's always talking about how she is going to steal my purse and run out the door with it. She has kleptomania as part of her dementia. She takes everything not nailed down.

Funny you should mention the older gentleman. We stayed friends. He got married this summer to a lovely woman near his own age. It was a nice wedding and reception. I still get kidded about him being my boyfriend. Now I just gasp and say he's a married man.

Sometimes I continue to think about a post or my response, and suddenly have a flash of insight. It's as if the clouds parted after a rainstorm, the sun shown through, and I once again I could see a clear and beautiful sky.

RainMom, you can take credit for that. The comments you made on taking the book not only spurred me to respond, but I did so on a reactionary basis, not even realizing that I was giving advice to myself.

I've been thinking about our respective comments and reactions, and realize that I'm advising you to do what I have had difficulty doing. Things often happen too fast and before I realize it I've lost common sense.

That especially happens when one of the neighbors asks me why I haven't done something that she thinks would improve the look of my father's yard.

RainMom, you're a better caregiver than I am! (With apologies to Kipling and Gunga Din for changing the meaning of that famous quote.)

Rainmom, I think you get it completely. It is so hard to deal with. My heart always went out to you dealing with a difficult mother and also Rainman. Older people can start being short on empathy if they ever had it to begin with. I actually wondered as I was reading about the frontal lobe and empathy if there could be some atrophy in that area as people age. It makes sense. The areas of the brain involved with self preservation are deeper in the brain, while those involving reasoning, movement, and social interaction are on the outside. It would be interesting to read about how the average aging brain changes. It might help us understand why people become more self centered when they age. (Big guessing going on here.)

cwillie, what you wrote didn't sound cruel at all. I have these two people living in my brain -- one hoping something will happen so I'll be free and the other not wanting that. It can be a struggle of the two parts of me.

Sunny, I'm not paid for doing this. My mother is leaving me the house, but that is more of an albatross than a blessing. What I would really like is to just leave without worrying about anything. What I do hope is that I don't die the week before she does.

Jessie; I know that people must tell you this all the time, but it bears repeating:

If you find yourself not able to do care-giving any longer, your mom will be okay.

Loads of folks tell me (on this board and elsewhere) that their parents will die if placed in a nursing home/AL/Memory Care. Sometimes that happens, because they are at the end of their lives--just like the Hospice discussions we keep having.

Most elders, even mentally ill elders, adjust to new living circumstances, with the help of staff, family, and meds.

There was a point in my life, right after my marriage dissolved, when I thought about offering to move in with my mom, pay rent and try to get my life back together. I didn't and in retrospect, am ever so glad that I took the path that I did.

We make choices in life; just be sure, JB, that you are choosing to stay with your mom for the next 10 or 20 years. And not being forced into that path by Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

These things I know. There is one thing -- we cannot force someone into a facility if they are able to live outside. We can only decide if we will stay or not. My mother is a very strong willed person, stronger than myself. I could choose to leave, but it would create a lot of problems. I choose to do what makes the most sense until it stops making sense. We may be getting to that point. I do know that my mother will not go into a facility and the only thing she could do if I weren't here is to have someone else take my place.

Hey, someone changed the title of the thread to something silly. And terrible nonparallel structure. Ah, well. It should be "two people under the surface -- one calm, one angry" to be parallel.

Yeah, a subtle change of meaning.
I thought the editors didn't work on the weekend

I liked your original title. I wish they had left it alone.

Often, I feel protective of Jessebelle, even though she is very strong!
Don't like my words changed either, was that even necessary?
Feeling green and kinda hulky, cannot help myself.....
But, I am going to stop. Everything cannot become an important issue or else I will continue to want to blow! Dropping this now.

I think you would have needed a knowledge of The Hulk and how calm and collected Bruce Banner morphs into him when under stress, perhaps this title makes more sense to the mods. (yes, yes, I grew up reading my brother's comics lol)

I never read any comics but I understood JessieBelle's point from what she said in her posting. And the idea of putting words in someone's mouth just bothers me. Once I've put my name on something, I don't want my words changed. I don't care if the mods think it would be understood better if phrased differently. This is JessieBelle's posting, not theirs. At the very least, there ought to be a disclaimer that the language was modified by the moderators.

I don't mind changing titles, but that one is simply bad grammar and mighty bulky. :-/

I don't think changing titles is proper either. The posters have a right to express their concerns in their own words. Censorship is appropriate when someone like a certain male who no longer posts repeatedly expresses his vulgar comments. But I don't see the justification in arbitrarily changing someone's post when it's worded as Jessie or anyone else chose to.