It's like I'm two people -one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. Does anyone else feel like the Incredible Hulk?

Jessie, I am in a similar situation. Is there any way you could hire a sitter for your mother so that you can get a day off? Does she have enough cognitive capacity to understand that paying someone to do what you do will cost more than a nursing home? Agencies charge more than nursing homes, and that is what she would have to do since she needs a full time caregiver. If she has the capacity to understand that you need a mental health day, go for it.

It's good you're going back to the gym. I'm not ready for a senior center gym, but I will always keep my membership at the Y because I love the place. It's so easy to get trapped in the vicious cycle - physically and emotionally exhausted from caregiving, then not working out, then more exhaustion. Before becoming a caregiver, I ran half marathons. Now a one or two mile jog around the neighborhood is what I get, and an occasional gym day when I can get a sitter.

I promised my father that I would take care of my mother when he was dying of cancer, but I have convinced her to go to a nursing home for respite care when I had to travel for work - and last summer, I added some vacation to it, and I'm going to try to do that this summer too. I am also calm on the surface, and seething inside, because my whole life revolves around caregiving. I'm ashamed to admit that I resent caregiving - and my mother is easier than most, vascular dementia and severe arthritis, and I work 3 days a week so have a sitter those days. Today I actually was happy that the traffic was so bad because that gave me another hour of listening to music in the car before home to the mom shift.

It looks like I will spend more years taking care of my mother than I did raising my daughter. I've promised myself that I will not do this to her, and actually hope I get cancer so I can move to Oregon and end it - better than this long slow decline, and I do not ever want to be dependent on anyone else.

Doctors don't realize what we go through. My mother's doctor did compliment me on the care I provide, and said that she has patients with spousal caregivers who are really struggling, but I'm on more blood pressure medication than my mother. A therapist helps for someone to vent to, and I know others get help from antidepressants, but I can't tolerate SSRI's. A saving grace is a low dose antianxiety medication, which I take when my mother drives me up the proverbial wall.

I feel terrible about being so resentful. My mother has been good to me, and now it is my turn, but I am exhausted, and when it is all over, there won't be much of me left. All any of us can do is one day at a time try to hold on to our selves.

Sue, I used to feel the same way about my mother crying wolf so much. Each time we would go to the doctor because she said something was really wrong. I'd be concerned that it was. Then I'd feel dumb because the doctors would find nothing. There were weeks that we'd be at the doctor three times a week. I finally said Enough. Then it became easier when her male PCP retired and she didn't care for her new female PCP. The hypochondria vanished on its own. I think she just wanted to see her doctor. She said he always made her feel like he cared about her. Of course, I could tell he was exasperated with her. I know I was, but what do you do?

Dana, I'm lucky because I can leave my mother alone for 2-4 hours as needed. The problem is that I have to come back. :( My mother can do things like use the bathroom by herself. She can also make a simple meal. She just has trouble with things that take reasoning and remembering to do them. I could probably stay out longer, but I want to be back in a reasonable amount of time in case she falls. She wouldn't be able to figure out to call 911 or me. She doesn't understand that she can call me on my cell. I don't know why.

Jessie,
I think most of us can relate to the demands of being a live-in care giver of an elderly demented parent. Each of us have vented our frustrations in our own way of the things that drive us crazy.
A lot of women (and some men), when they see someone struggling, want to "fix" the situation and "save" them from their distress (me included). The person venting may just need to get it off their chest and may not want or need to be "saved".

You have thought out your living situation in terms of practicality.
1. Your mom needs help. 2. You work from home. 3. If you weren't there, she'd need another c/g. 'Practically' speaking, you living with her makes sense. You mentioned that in 3 posts. But, just because it's practical, doesn't mean it's the BEST choice.
You mentioned that you've done endless giving and that she continues to feel like you "owe" her. Anyone would have ambivalent feelings under those circumstances. To add to it, you say your mom is confused and nags.

I understand you can't put a person in a NH or AL if they are of sound mind. Do you think your mom is of sound mind? Has she been tested for all the brain diseases?

You say you'd like to leave but it would create a lot of problems but you'll stay until it stops making sense. But which would be worse, the problems created by you moving or you being slowly driven mad. I know from where I speak. I put my mother in a facility after I hit her fingers for throwing a sandwich at me and spitting on the table. I could not "let it go" nor could I reel in my anger, even though I knew it wasn't "her doing it purposely". Caregivers have been known to snap.

Maybe what makes the most sense practically isn't the best for your mental health. It gets harder and harder to get David Banner back into his clothes.

Just a thought. No offense intended. Been there, done that.

Boy can I identify! I'm an only child and have been caring for/helping my parents physically, emotionally and financially for over 10 years. I love my parents dearly, but I get so angry because this is almost a full-time job and I didn't ask for it. I have enough stress in my life without worrying about health, finances, food, etc. for them. There are relatives in the area but they're worthless. No one volunteer to help. My Mom passed away last year and now my Dad is barely getting by. He's not eating, he's not bathing, he's not getting out and worse yet, he runs out of money mid-month and then dumps bills on me to pay and then nags me to get them paid. I love my Dad but I'm sick of this. I didn't ask for this, I can't afford to keep this up and the stress is eating away at my own health and I don't have time to take care of myself and it's showing. I cry a lot to and from his house because I don't know what to do or who to turn to. I just want to be done with all the responsibility. He can't afford assisted living and isn't sick enough to qualify for skilled nursing care and that's IF I could get him on Medicaid. So he's stuck in his current apartment which he can't afford. I am just DONE......

((((Gracie)))) Wanted to send a big hug. It can be such a waiting game. We hope something catastrophic happens, but we hope it doesn't. We do whatever we can to keep it from happening, but know if it does happen then at least we can get them into a facility. I do wish that if lives are going to be long, then at least they would be healthy. I hope for myself that I stay healthy enough until poof! it's all over for me. I don't want to go through what my parents have, dying one cell at a time.

Like Jessie, I can at least steal some time here and there. Needed it tonight. A thing she has trouble doing for herself and I won’t do is trim her toenails. The nails are almost white and hard to distinguish from the quick and dead skin under the nail. While at the last dr appt, the one where she convinced them on the phone that dying, then forgot to cough the whole time she was there, I got her dr to refer her to a podiatrist. A friend did this and Medicare covered it! As you get older, the nails can get very thick and it’s hard to do an adequate job. Mom has trouble with the contortions to get her foot up. I had a great idea - a regular podiatry appointment !

The night before she started wrenching and gagging and “oh, I’m really not up to this.” Like what is there to be up to? You go. They check your feet. It’s not swimming the darn English Channel. I was taking her! Took off work for it. Get home to pick her up to discover she wasn’t going. Mind you, the doctors had just said she was okay. She has asthma, but she wants you to think every breath is a struggle. Until she thinks you can’t hear her.

I was so mad - and tired - and stressed by too many things. I went upstairs, changed clothes and left. I spent the next few hours getting in a good walk and treating myself to a good meal. I was still angry when I got home, but I realized that I can do that, walk away for a few hours, basically have a life. I’m 55, I don’t owe an explanation. I’m going to stop feeling guilty because she’s alone all day. We’ve looked into having someone come
I’m to help her with bathing, make sure she eats, that kind of thing. She won’t keep a service. She won’t participate in adult care, she complains about the service I have come in every few weeks to keep things manageable. But just because she’s antisocial doesn’t mean I am stuck. I can still have my life. Today, just leaving the house felt triumphant and was relaxed at the end (just a hard cider, I didn’t get crazy).

In a month I am getting away with girlfriends, getting a room in a charming small town where we can shop and talk and stay up
late like the sleepovers we had as kids. I’m lining up people to call and check on Mom, but it’s just a weekend and she has a Help I’ve fallen button. A weekend ... I have something to look forward to.

Gather those rosebuds, folks, and don’t let the guilt get to you. You need this.

I almost skipped over this thread because I do not participate in the care-giving, but I am glad I read through all the posts. Before mom started down the dementia path, I knew we could never exist in the same residence. She is not as bad as some of those described here, but she is pig-headed, opinionated, biased and sometimes outright ignorant. She could be verbally cruel at times as well and that's all after we became adults!
Thankfully she was never really very religious, but if she foisted that book on me, I would've taken it and tossed it into the trash can right there in front of her!
One poster actually sounded like they are in the situation I am in - not care-giving, but taking care of everything else, and it is a lot! If she were easier to get along with I still could not fathom trying to manage all that AND her too. Much as I do not like the behavior (hulk) I find myself with those moments as well, just because every week there seems to be some new crap that needs to be dealt with. Taking over her finances was the easy part. Getting everything else done... not so much.
Anyway, kudos to those of you who are still slogging it out, I wish you the best and hope you survive it all and still have some kind of life left after it is over! I still say if I had to take her in, one of us would end up dead and it would likely be ME! For those of you who have finished or made other arrangements, I hope you also get to regroup and enjoy you new-found freedom.

I've got one that might top all, though I don't choose to be put on a pedestal. After my mother had died and I was living with her and had to not only market and sell her house, I was getting ready to go to bed in my childhood bedroom. I got my medications ready and also had to change out my one hearing aide battery. However, the live battery got someone mixed in with my meds and I ended up swallowing the small (number 13) battery! She had left me so frazzled and frankly worn out, that I made that mistake. Good news, though, because I thought I was going to die. There was a phone number on the pack of batteries, which I promptly called. They said "you're going to be okay, but we will call you to monitor you 2 weeks out, 30 days out, 3 months out and then the last-6 months out. That was scary!

Doesn't it feel good to transform into the hulk once in awhile? Just try not to show it to your patient.