It's like I'm two people -one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. Does anyone else feel like the Incredible Hulk?

I just thought -- what a great idea for exercising the Hulk. I'll go out there with a hoe and whack up all that imaginary poison ivy.

Carla, I wonder if the doctors talk to men about the obligations.

Excellent point, Jessie. I wouldn't know personally but it does make you wonder!

Carla, so true. Most doctors only care about their patient’s outcome. My ex’s bil was a doctor and he always said, “you care about the patient but mostly you want to diagnose, treat, and let them be someone else’s problem when they code.” What a bedside manner!

Jessie, High ho! It works. I attacked some weeds two weeks ago and nothing has grown back - ha!

Oy, my mother came back in to "talk to me" about the poison ivy. I was putting a screen up at the moment and she really got angry that I didn't get off the ladder and hop to her commands of chopping ivy. She asked why I never wanted to do anything for her. I gave her a very honest answer -- that I'd already given my entire life, how much more did she want. I can understand the Hulk more and more. Brain damage can take away all reasoning, caring, and empathy. All that is left is worrying about self.

JessieBelle, I do sympathize. My mom has real issues, but for some reason insists on manufacturing new ones. Like the time she wanted me to think she was having a stroke. Okay, this is always a possibility so I do take it seriously. But I also know her so I distracted her with unrelated questions for a minute and she forgot to keep her lip pulled down. Or when I took her to the eye doctor when she complained about shoo ont pains in her eye. Yes, she has dry eyes and floaters and need drops. But her eyes are pretty healthy. However by the time we were home, she had decided that the doctor was warning her that her eye was falling out and she would need surgery. Two years later we go back and her eyes are still healthy and still not falling out. Different doctor so she decides this one is a quack. She has COPD, needs inhalers and has a nebulizer. Getting her to use them is an all out war. Unless it’s late at night and she thinks it will keep me awake, then she would run it until she realized that I couldn’t hear it so she stopped doing even that.

Recently she called for a dr appointment and had them convinced that she couldn’t get there because of me. But that boomeranged on her when they offered to send an ambulance. Suddenly she’s not that bad after all. However, if I tell her, come on we have to get you in to see the dr, she complains that they are all quacks and nobody understands.

The worst part is, if something really bad was happening, how would I know?

But God forbid I am cranky and tired and not PLEASANT when we go through this. Then it’s “Oh I’ll never learn, I should have known it would be like this.”

Is it any wonder we are stressed and have hairtrigger tempers?

McAlvie, what I don't understand is why our elders don't imagine good things happening to them. It is always something bad that needs our attention right away. My mother went through the hypochondriac phase for 3 or 4 years, so I know what you're going through. I started wondering if she had Munchausen (not the proxy type, just the normal type) and was doing it for attention. I think in my mother's case she was just worrying herself into things that weren't there, or focusing on something small and turning it into something life threatening.

Your mother sounds so much like mine. They can take a scrap of information, then build on it until it becomes completely untrue. They can add on things people were supposed to have said that verify it. My mother does this all in her own mind, but it becomes fact. It sounds like what your mother did with her eye.

My mother also imagined she had a stroke in 2014, though to her it was last week. She may have had a TIA that wore off immediately -- hard to know. She fell in a neighbor's yard and I was there quickly. She said we should have gone to the doctor. We had just gotten back from the doctor and went again the next day (for UTI follow-up). She now blames that fall for the bent back she's had for 15 years, even though the fall was 3 years ago. I don't bother to correct her since to her it is fact.

That is spooky about the stroke and lip being pulled down. That seems intentional. I'm glad she didn't have one. I'm surprised some of the caregivers haven't had one, with what we can go through. Today my mother went out in her pajamas to check the "poison ivy" growing on the side of the house. I had gone out earlier and pulled up Virginia creeper. I needed to do that, anyway, since it can destroy concrete and wood if it grows on the house. I showed her the creeper vines and she was happy that her "poison ivy" had been tended to. Problem solved and needed work done at the same time. (Then she asked me to open the gate to let some fresh air into the back yard. Oh, goodness. If it isn't one thing to be unhappy about, it's another. I guess there was more fresh air in the front yard than the back. :)

Rosemary - yes. I took the book. I didn’t want to. Taking that book represented everything I had come to hate about my life as it had become - in having to be the one dealing with my aged mother, her health issues, her dementia and her care.

I wish I had been strong enough to leave that GD book on her table. If I had known then what I know now - I probably would have.

But as it was my demented, 80-something mother was having a full-on meltdown. Seems the book had become a symbol for her too - one that represented her control over her situation and her control over me.

At first, I thought saying “no, mom. I don’t want the book - I won’t read it so there’s no reason for me to take it. Give it to someone else or put it in the facility library” - that seemed reasonable, right? Because for that moment - in the beginning- it was still just a book.

When the book became a symbol - that’s when the trouble began. I sooo wanted my mom to let me still have a shred of my own independence- my own life, my own free will.

But mid meltdown I realize it was futile- pointless- trying to get her to see my point. My mother - always a self-absorbed person, had become completely unable to see anything beyond herself - what she needed, what she wanted. And right then she needed obedient compliance to reassure herself that she was still in control.

Was it worth it? Continuing this spiraling out of control meltdown to prove a pointless point?

So yes, I took the book. But at least I didn’t take it home. It didn’t even make it into my car.

A small victory even if my mom never knew it - the fate of the book. But you take what you can get - when you need it the most. Right?

Rainmom - "I sooo wanted my mom to let me still have a shred of my own independence- my own life, my own free will. "

No one can give this to you - you take it for yourself and I am glad you did. Playing the game with her (taking the book) to lower the stress of the moment is fine, as long as you know that is what you are doing, then do what you want to do when you leave her.

I don't feel like the hulk. There have been times when I did, for example when I was visiting my mother. I learned to leave when that happened. The stress was not worth it.

Rainmom, I agree with you taking the book. It is easier to placate than to keep butting heads. If it doesn't require a lot of effort I am all for placating someone with brain damage. There will be other battles to fight. There are some things worth fighting about, like if it will take a lot of effort, cost money, or be totally crazy. The rest of it isn't worth it.

What if the book was waiting to meet her when she reached her final destination? :-O

Oh my Gosh, I am just like that, too. I have no patience left and I'm sure you feel the same way. We need more than just an extended holiday we need HELP!!

Rainmom - a small victory but one that gave you slight satisfaction. And you take those moments where you can get them.

Girl...did you check your testosterone levels! You're going to end up hurting yourself or someone, before you even know it. Remove the irritant(s) from your life or remove yourself from the bothersome situation. Find way to release your pent-up anger in a safe manner. Join a training bag class, or see a shrink or jog, or go read a book in a library or have lots of sex...do something to take your mind off recursive negative thought patterns.

JessieBelle - yes there seem to be similarities with our mothers. I don’t know if I find that a comfort or not! But, yes, I do think Mom worries at stuff until in her head it becomes real.

You know, I’m thankful she still has her faculties, at least when she wants to, but at the same time it makes it more frustrating because I can’t even blame a disease. A dear friend went through dementia with her mom, and it was awful and so hard on her. But she told me that at some point she she recognized that her mom was already gone long before her death and that it helped her, my friend, to let go of a lot of her guilt and anxiety.

Jessie; I know that you cannot force your mother into a facility. But it's not up to you to replace yourself if you decide to leave.

If your mother is competent enough not to be "forced" into a facility, then she is competent enough to make reasonable choices for herself.

We all know that it's only your presence that is preventing "something" from happening.

So you decide to leave. Your mom says "I'll be fine".

Either your brother steps up, or the local APS, AAA or Sheriff does.

You are only in charge of your own life. If you continue to want to do this work, then so be it.

I just have to say this. To avoid becoming the Hulk today, I had 2 glasses of wine with my very late lunch (after I fed Dad, of course!) I meant to only have one. ::sigh::

Also, I agree with McAlvie and Barb on certain points.  You can only do so much on your own, before it starts to destroy you.  At some point, I DO believe that it's ok to take care of ourselves.  But that's hard to do sometimes, as we all want the best for our parents, just like they wanted the best for us.

My position must frustrate you, Barb.

Aw JessieBelle, you know we all just want to swoop in and save you, both from your mother and from the choices you have made.

FWIW, Jessie, I understand why you stay, even though I personally would not live with my mother. I am also staying long beyond my own willingness to stay, although in my case I'm staying at a greater distance. I did replace myself, literally, with the woman who is now my mother's housemate, and for now that seems to be working out. But for me to leave Florida, which is what I really want, would be so disruptive to the whole situation, I can't quite bring myself to do it.

If I were to leave, my mother would be so unhappy, as would my sister, as would my mother's housemate, who is a close friend of mine. The balance of the whole situation would be disrupted, how seriously I don't know. I'm holding up a part of this arrangement, and somehow it's come to feel as though it's my part to hold up, even though I'd truly rather not. So even though I wish very much that you were not in the situation you're in, I think I understand.

Thank you, CarlaCB. It can be hard to write on here at times because our behavior gets criticized no matter what we do. It is like we are faulty in some way because we don't do something the way others think we should. One side says if something weren't wrong with us then we would love taking care of our parents without complaining. The other side says if something weren't wrong with us we would get out. It is not black and white like that. We do what we can with the situation we're in. I am single and work from home so it makes sense for me to be here. 

I think it is good that I brought this subject up, though I was reluctant. I appreciated hearing from other caregivers that are going through the same thing. It is like saying that it's normal to feel like this and that we're not totally crazy.

Wow - so many new responses....I haven't read them all and apologize if anyone else has raised this, as I don't intend to copy someone else's suggestions. But as I was driving out to my puree session, I was thinking that a type of passive-aggressive behavior often develops in caregiving, and I think that's similar to Jessie's Hulk comparison.

I think the DSM should add a caregiver passive/aggressive syndrome.

I hadn't thought of that before, GA. It is a very good description. I'd never really thought about Hulk being passive-aggressive, but he was. He was ultra meek, nice, and helpful until he got pushed too far.

I remember Pop-Eye, too. "That's all I can stands cause I can'ts stands no more." :D

Hey MsMadge,
I actually was told not to visit mother for the first week (same at the other facility) so she would have some "adjustment time". Then hubby caught a nasty cold and I thought I'd get it too. We're finally over it all. We'll be visiting on Thursday. We've called a few times and they say she's setteling in nicely. Their doc has taken her off the Trazadone and she only takes half an Ativan twice a day! She would have been a raging lunatic without the meds when she lived here.
They wanted me to bring Ensure because the house doc said she's underweight. No, she's not. I'm wondering if she doesn't like the food and they want to make sure she gets enough calories. Unfortunately I can't get the truth from her.
I'll let you know on Friday how it's going.

JessieBelle: I feel for you! I really do! My mother got on my last nerve and I only lived with her in another state for 6 months. "Nothing was wrong with her"--yea, right! She sugar coated EVERYTHING! You must seek respite, else you will break. Sending prayers.

Oops - just checking this thing is working. I loved WhirledTravel's reply - a glass of wine (or two) is great for relaxing - I rather guiltily admit to that too. You just have to remember not to drink the whole bottle, no matter how much you might want to - I'm sure being drunk in charge of a geriatric is an indictable offence!

Jessie; Your position doesn't frustrate me. I think it must frustrate YOU!, lol!

I WORRY about you Jessie, because I think that you are a very good person who has a lot to offer. And whenever people tell me "my mother would die in a a facility" (and I hear that from friends here, not just on the message board) it turns out not to be true.

Folks with dementia aren't the same people they were when they had unbroken brains. At least some people with dementia appear to do better in a facility where there are more distractions, even if they aren't going to them.  

I just like to present you with another point of view.

I was always told my dad would die if he had to leave his home to go to a facility and thought that myself too. He's actually getting better at his AL!

Is there a special descriptive word besides "bat sh*tcrazee" for someone like me when suddenly, during hulk mood, these feelings jump in like compassion/sympathy/and sadness for my parent?? Then hating on myself for morphing into HULK  but wanting to stay as hulk cuz I feel nutso.  I then want to get away from my parents as soon as possible but also cry while I'm leaving the parking lot and reminisce during the day how I acted like a hulk. 
It's exHausTingggggg!!!!

Sore muscles from HULKING yesterday!

I've never been concerned my mother would die in a facility. She just won't go. I am starting to sound like a broken record. The only thing I can do is either stay or go. If I weren't here she would hire someone to stay with her. It makes sense for me to stay since I work from home. It is that simple.

Jessie, just want you to know, you are not alone on this most difficult journey. I’ve spent a lot of time this morning contemplating what the next few years will look like for me. Mom is 94, relatively healthy except for dementia, and has the capability to make me feel like I’m the worst daughter for having her in memory care. I’m married and I’d like to stay that way. I was raised that family sticks together no matter what. One is to sacrifice everything for a family member. However, what about my sons and grandchildren, let alone my husband. When we stretch ourselves beyond our mental capacities, our bodies break down. I’m on a new course of getting healthy, spirit, soul and body. I love my mom, but I cannot sacrifice myself for her. I hear you. You must find your own mental health relief. Even if it’s one day per week. Pay a babysitter and go do what makes you happy...if you know it. It took me a long time to connect with me again to even be aware of what brought me peace. That’s when I knew I was in great need. To those who know me, I’m a kind giving person, but this evil called dementia, triggers something within me that I stand beside myself in disbelief.

Talk about narcissistic, hypochondriac mothers? I think I had the worst.
When she was in her mid 70's, she woke me up (I worked nights) to take her to the doctor. I lived 30 miles away. She had poked herself in the eye with a mascara brush! After asking the cursory questions (bleeding, unable to see or blurred vision, severe pain, leaking fluid from the eye), I gathered that she had done what most of us ladies have done when applying makeup. She insisted she needed to go to ER, and, if I wouldn't take her, she'd call an ambulance! I got up and took her. It was just a superficial scratch, the eye doc gave her drops to pacify her. Her "rationale" for this was, she read about a woman in NY that went blind after she used some old mascara. Dear God, come on! We'd ALL be blind.

Then at 80, she put me through 3 months of hell. I'll try to make it quick.
She started with pain between her legs (I'm thinking vaginal atrophy-(it dries up) she just needs some hormone cream). Went to GYN-everything fine. A week later, pain moved to lower abdomen. Went back to doc-got an ultrasound-everything fine. Pain moved to mid abdomen 2 weeks later. I suggested gas pills and stool softeners. Back to doc-some gastric test and x-rays preformed along with blood and urine tests-negative. 3 weeks later, pain is now at mid stomach. I'm beginning to get p**sed. What the heck is going on? How can pain travel upward through your body? I suggested antacids and Tylenol. Back to MD, did an upper GI-nothing. 2 weeks later, pain between breasts. (Chest pain-this has to be taken seriously due to her age). To Cardiologist (has NO history of heart problems). He did a cardiac catheterization!!! Great results -doc said, "You have the coronary arteries of a young woman!" She grabbed her neck and said, " What about my carotids (arteries)?" He looked at me like she was nuts. I asked for a prescription of Ativan for her anxiety. He said, " Well, that's out of my specialty, but, IN THIS CASE, I'll write it for her."

On the trip home, I congratulated her on the good results and also for her marvelous acting. Who else could find a way to get every test in the book? She just smirked. The hypochondriac could rest until something else popped into her brain.

This is a bad idea because there may come a day when the shepherd boy really has a problem but has cried "wolf" too many times.

This is probably why, as a nurse, I don't get shook up too easily. Fortunately very few of the patients I've had in 39 years have been like mother. Thank the Good Lord. 😌