It's like I'm two people -one calm, and a very angry person under the surface. Does anyone else feel like the Incredible Hulk?

The very first post I ever made got a title change. I didn’t know they did that so when I went to look for what advice had been given- I couldn’t find my post and burst into tears thinking “Great! I don’t matter here either”.

Like others have expressed - it’s understandable when it’s inappropriate but to change it just to make it more zippy - is just wrong.

It's okay. I noticed the change was from my own first sentence. I am guilty of the nonparallel grammar. :D

The Hulk has been at rest pretty much all day. Occasionally it has tried to come out, but nothing has perturbed me enough. (Just trying to work the thread back on course if anyone else wants to talk about their own personal Hulk.)

Okay. So back to the hulk -

I think what happens - I know it happened for me - is that when you’re the caregiver to an especially difficult and demanding person - it does feel a bit like you are continually throwing bits and pieces of yourself down a bottomless pit.

With these elders who are mean, self absorbed and entitled- it’s not like there are hoards of relatives and friends who are standing in line to get their chance to help you out. For whatever reason that brought you there - there you are - alone. And for whatever reason - real or perceived - you just can’t walk away, even if you know it would be in your own best interest to do so.

So - you take it and you take it. All the while watching more bits and pieces of you chucked into the pit. The thankless, ungrateful, unending abyss.

In a attempt of self-preservation you try to hang on to something that is just for you - yours. They can’t go there and YOU control what goes on in this little island of calm sanity and self preservation.

For JessieBelle it is - was - the gym. For me it was my home with Rainman and my husband.

You get - some days - particularly those hard days - where hanging on to the thought of going to your happy place, your safe place - that is all that is keeping your soul and mind from snapping like a twig. So, you hang on to it - you bide your time and scrape together some moments just for you all the while thinking “...another hour...I just have to finish...let it go, don’t argue...”

When my mother was shoving that book down my throat she was crossing over into my “safe place”. She was telling me what to read in what little free time I had, telling me I had to take the book - even interfering with my relationship with God. I give and I give and I give - why the hell does she have to force her will - her way - into every corner of my life? Why wasn’t my “no” good enough? Was I to sacrifice everything to her? Even my free will - because she demanded it?

I know I could have just taken the book without arguing - without all the drama - and simply chucked it, first trash bin I passed - but I futilely and foolishly had hoped that I still mattered to her - as a person - as her daughter- someone who’s needs and opinions still mattered and had value. Someone more than what I was to her. 

So yes, in the end I did toss the book into the first garage can I saw - but after my mom having torn off another piece, handing it to me and telling me to toss it into the bottomless pit. I do wish I could shift my perspective and see it as a win - thank you GA for trying to get me to see it that way.

To be honest, I didn't read much of the replies, but I'm sure they can relate. And I can relate to what you're saying. Yes, I have this feeling all the time and I often tell myself that I have to keep going and put the negative internal feelings on the back burner. Sometimes thats easier said than done.

Rainmom, nail hit right smack on the head with everything you said. I can visualize that book falling all the way through the trash and into the great pit itself. I love that you didn't take it home. It would contaminate your safe place.

Roger, I've thought that maybe the reason that I have this internal rage that comes out is because I do keep suppressing everything. I know I can't be a caregiver if I say everything that comes to mind and what I really think. So I keep it in. It would be nice to be able to talk it out, but words bounce off my mother. It is a bit because of the dementia, but mostly because she doesn't want to hear things that don't line up with what she wants. Maybe when the FTD woman invaded my space at the senior center, it was just too much. That was the place I went to get away from crazy. I handled it very poorly, really, but maybe I need to handle things more poorly. There's really no reason that I should carry the misbehavior of others and not defend myself, even if they have dementia and won't learn from what I do.

With my mother I walk away. The FTD woman wouldn't let me walk away, so I blew at her. I guess we are a bit like pressure cookers that need to vent a little steam so we don't blow all at once. At least I didn't do anything but curse her once, then leave the building.

More like Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde but that works for me. Before you end up with a criminal record, you may want a time out in a neutral place where people won't really talk to you (like a library.) Since most libraries have computers, use one, open up a word document and pour out every poisonous thought you have (to get it out of your system).

After you have done this to your satisfaction, you need to mourn (the loss of who your mother used to be.) Unlike the quips of "being unable to fix stupid," what she is doing now isn't stupid; and though one knows this when it happens, it doesn't always come to find when it's in progress. How you handle the upcoming and ever evolving changes that she will display will help you cope and keep your sanity; especially when those questions come within the mark of a minute instead of 5 minutes. It's going to happen, but the better you make yourself acquainted with what's next will be a whole lot cheaper than jail, a criminal record, getting arrested or getting T shirt that blend with all the other angry people out there who are doing the same thing to show their own version of a personality.

For the hostile part of your personality; nothing like returning to childhood to get our aggression: video games (like Dave and Busters) or archery to pierce something has a satisfying response.

OH! You're human!!

Yes, I had a mini-meltdown last week after my DH fell again and this time it took me 40 minutes to get him into his lift-chair.

Sadly, I console myself with "forbidden fruits" - no, not drinking, eating. Ice Cream comes and goes in this house.

Anyway, for what it's worth, my 2-cents says "yes, I feel like this too."

I feel like a "frazzled weeble warrior woman" which explains my avatar.

Jessie,
I can so relate. When mom was living with us, I would avoid her so I wouldn't have to put up with, "my daughter (me) put itching powder in my clothes,", "I have a terrible headache." or screaming anything else at ear deafening decibels. How sad that is. I didn't want her to sleep during the day, thinking she would sleep better at night. Wrong! Didn't seem to make any difference. Some days she actually slept less because I think she was "over tired" from being awake all day! Sheesh. We finally had to give up and take her to another memory care facility. The hysterical screaming at 2 am was the final straw. God bless you as you struggle through.

Only001,
No, this CAN'T be true; "he “praises god for giving him a girl so he could be taken care of in his old age.” It’s my “duty to honor him like jesus obeying god to give his life for us all.” What a crock of cr*p! Good for you, he deserves a NH with that mind set.

We do go through a lot, Sue. Just now my mother came in my room asking about if flu shots would still be available when she went to the doctor in a couple of weeks. I told her they would. She then went on how they may not be and I should call and check. I told her okay. But she didn't accept that and went on talking about her worries. I told her there was little I could do, since it was after 10:00 at night. I could feel the Hulk starting to surface.

It was irritating to me since she had declined going with me to get the flu shot the other day when it would have been easy. She said she would wait until she went to the doctor. Sigh. She'll probably come back down the hall in a few minutes and say she wants to go to the pharmacy to get one tomorrow. Maybe I should get a blanket and hang it between two chairs to make myself a little tent to hide in. Maybe I can take the rabbit and a snack for us as we're hiding out. I can hear it now -- "Where are you?"

Quote: "Maybe I should get a blanket and hang it between two chairs to make myself a little tent to hide in. Maybe I can take the rabbit and a snack for us as we're hiding out."

I sometimes eat my lunch in the kitchen instead of at the dining table with Dad, just so I can have a few minutes of peace, and not have to answer the same question 15 times. Please don't tell anyone. ::hangs head::

I never thought of "playing tent" with a blankie...but it sounds fun. I'd hide on the stairs but she'd sit on the sofa and scream, "Where did that lady go (me)?" then, "Is she coming back?", then, when she got no answer, it went to "help, help" at the top of her lungs.
So much for hiding out. :(
When I'd miraculously return, she'd summon me over to her.
"What's the problem", I'd say.
She replied, "Somebody has put itching powder all over my clothes."
"That's what you needed help for and was screaming about at the top of your lungs?" 
"Yes, I've got to get it off of me. Who did the laundry?"
"Your son in law."
"Well, he's trying to poison me! Why do you want to kill me?" "You're so mean to me."
I take off her shirt and replace it with another one. "Oh no, this one has itching powder on it too. I rip off that shirt and say, "It's a warm day, why don't you just sit in your bra for awhile." I put a freshly washed fuzzy throw over her. 
She asks, "What is this thing?"
"What do you think it is? You just were covered with it."
"It's an old, dirty, rotten, no good thing!"
"But we just washed that blanket."
"Well, I want my shirt back."
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!

About this time the green Hulk shirt started busting its seams and I start trembling. A quick, "You'll be Okay." and I was off to hide somewhere else, so as not to reveal my true personality. Since I don't calm down easily after those "sessions", it took some time to get my chest back into the shirt.

One foot into insanity!

Sue,
Your mom must have been a prankster in her youth to think you put itching powder in her clothes -
how's her transition to the facility going?

See your doctor. Tell him or her about this. Ask to fill out a depression screening form. My doctor gives one to everybody. So glad I did. I took an antidepressant for just a little while and boy did it help. Also decide what your goal is in this caregiving. Then move towards the goal with no distractions turning you aside. You are the decision maker, the hope.

I feel your pain. The other day I said out loud that I wanted to run away. I knew if I didn’t get away I’d go nuts. I booked a cabin about 4 hour drive and went for 3 days. It helped to just be me, my books and to read and meditate.
I’m sorry you feel she isn’t able to go into AL...which is where she should be. When a person has dementia they are no longer capable of making rational decisions. As the POA, we have to make those decisions. Being a part time care giver is hard enough but I can’t imagine being a full time one!
JesseBelle, you never mention that you have a safe space to vent and unload. That is what a therapist is for. Do you see one? Yes you can unload here, and that is helpful because we "get it". But it would be good to have someone there who is objective listen to you. The other thing I’ve learned is not to bottle it up. We all know you can’t argue with someone who has dementia so we bottle it up and diffuse the situation. So that has to come out somewhere. Go someplace...even if you drive your car to a park and scream and get it out and say all the mean and hateful things you feel. Our brains are affected by this too and that is not good. So take care of yourself. Do you hire people to come and stay for you to get away? If not...you need to. You are important and matter....really more than your 90yo mom. My dad is 96 and says he wants to "go" all the time and I say "take him"...he’s had a good life until the dementia. I am still young (65 -ha) and have the right to enjoy mine like he did. He thinks he was so good to his mom...ha! Popped in to see her in the NH on his way to work for 10 minutes. Whoopdie-do!!! He hasn’t a clue. And after his last mental fiesta...I say "come already Jesus...what is taking you so long?" There..I said it.

Love the t-shirt idea!

what is frontal dementia??

Threads like this always humble me deeply, the things you all have dealt with! Jessie, I too support counseling if you haven’t done any yet, and figuring out new forms of getting away. We have a shop district near here, and every few months I just go get lost there for hours... get a creamy ice coffee, putter in the book store, talk to the shop owners... make your own local adventure. Definitely try the hiking! Also, I’d contact the local church and other civic groups and recruit women to come visit her, there are older people who are more fit and like doing this type of volunteer work. They'll probably ‘get’ her more than you do, and she’ll be more civil with them. I hope you can make some positive changes after this thread! I like how someone pointed out that you’d better have these fits now and then, to take care of yourself. You’re not required to be perfect or quiet or ladylike!

Jessie - that 10 pm flu shot panic visit is the very reason I won't live within 30 miles of my mother. Although she still has enough sense not to expect the doctor to answer at 10 at night. When you live with an elderly parent, you become the dumping ground for all their little problems and issues and worries. I do know how exhausting and frustrating that is. I hope for your sake you'll be out of it soon. (((Hugs)))

Anyone under a lot of stress can crack. I’ve had moments of “the hulk” with my aging parents who also have a bit of dementia. I got so frustrated with their denial and avoidance and lack of compliance with medical needs. It’s all so frustrating. You need to find a way to discharge your anger. I talked to friends. Punched pillows, cried and yelled in therapy. It all helps discharge the built up anger, which by the way is perfectly normal. So forgive yourself and find a way to vent.

We have so many stresses these days - caring for aging parents, job expectations, commutes, finances ... really it’s no wonder we feel like hulking out sometimes.

And I think it adds to our stress that society expects we “healthy” people to have unlimited reserves. Well we don’t.

Do what you have to for yourself, including making more alone time, and drop the guilt you feel when people push your buttons and bring out the hulk. Whether they can help it or not, they ARE pushing buttons and how are you supposed to know who is ill and who is just being annoying? You have your own problems and they are no less valid than anyone else’s. Drop the guilt - it plays a large role in the hulking out moments because you are fighting your natural instinct for self protection.

Dear JessieBelle,
Please don't crack because I love some of your answers. What would we do without you? And who would love Honey Bunny? I feel like the Hulk sometimes too!

I am so sorry you are going through what you are going through. I just lost my mom after 8 years with dementia. Even though she was in a facility the whole time 95 of them actually), I reached my breaking point several times. As her POA, sole caregiver in the family, trustee to her trust and executor to her estate, it was me, myself and I who had to manage everything around her (except actually taking care of her). I cannot imagine (well, yes I can) what you must be going through. I spend enough days in a week at my mom's facility to know exactly what goes on, how tough a job it is and how hard some of these caregiver's work. My best advice is to get her into a facility that know's what they are doing and take a much needed break out of town. I had to do that 4 or 5 times a year and towards the end I was silently wishing she would die, or that I would be allowed just 24-36 hours by myself, with no responsibility, or care in the world, just so I can stay in bed all day and pamper myself. Well, guess what? I got just that. Now mom has gone and I have all the time in the world. It can be a good thing or a bad thing. Just get some help. It is out there.

Correction above: 5 facilities not 95

Find something that you love doing. Take time to enjoy that activity. You will not take that activity for granted and you will appreciate everything else more. Me, I cycle as much as I can. I say, why go for psychotherapy when you can do cycle therapy. You need to do physical activity to keep the Hulk in line. He needs exercise. Try it. I've been a caregiver for 9 years to my mom. I went through what you are going through. Stay strong, stay active.

To address some of the things above. I can't get her into a facility because she doesn't want to go and is able to live outside a facility with help. We just can't put people in facilities against their will. It's not legal. I can only decide if I stay or if I go. If I went, she would have to find someone to take my place.

I've been through a lot of counseling in my life, so I know that wouldn't help a lot. Talking to sympathetic people helps and getting away to refresh myself helps. Sometimes I think it's funny that our parents are driving us to psychiatrists and drugs. :)

Sue, I could feel what you wrote. If we could tend to something simply it would be easier, but there is the obsessive thinking. I can so relate to the itching powder, since my mother has had "poison ivy" since 2012. She puts calamine lotion on her hands when she thinks about it. She shows her hands to people and talks about how she got it when she was working on the side of the house. She used to want to go to the dermatologist all the time. Now I just look around until I find the tube of medicine that was prescribed for her back in 2012 and she is happy. I do make sure she has calamine lotion about. She often uses it to soothe her poison ivy.

It is hard to deal with broken minds. There appears to be many ways the brain can be damaged. My mother has some traits of Alzheimer's, but it is mostly something else. Her reasoning is off and she has obsessive thinking. She has no sense of time at all, so what happened 5 years ago happened yesterday in her mind. Her life is a jumble when it comes to time. I've wondered what parts of her brain are damaged that causes the problems. I wonder if health care in the future should try to zero in on where the exact problem is, instead of just lumping everyone together under the label "dementia." Actually, they have already separated out the frontotemporal damage diseases, though we still call the behavior variant one FTD.

I hope one day we'll have solutions. With the governments being what they are now, though, I think it will be a long way down the road. I don't even know how SS, Medicare, and Medicaid are going to fare.

meima, I think that is the best advice. Exercise is wonderful therapy. I always feel better after a brisk walk or a visit to the exercise room at the senior center. I am looking at starting at the gym now so I won't have to deal with the FTD woman.

Jessie, tents! That it is the best idea! I used to make a maze with overturned lawn chairs and cover them with a blankets, and hideout for hours. Hmm, even at a young age, I just wanted to escape my parents.

Sue, it’s true. He firmly believes I am there to serve him. Yesterday, he wanted to go somewhere and I told him I had a doctor’s appt, and he said, “You’re responsibility is to me. You can take care of yourself when I die.” It is the load of crap I’ve been fed my entire life. His life’s arc has been focused in doing what he wanted and letting others clean up his mess. I’m about to become a monkey and start flinging poo.

The most frustrating thing is realizing the lies you’ve been told, reclaiming your life, making decisions best for yourself, then having a doctor say, “well he really needs this; sometimes we have to sacrifice for our loved ones.” And you have to smile and act as if you agree when you want to scream, “I’ve already sacrificed 13 years of my life, 13 years of my best potential earnings, my future social security and retirement, not to mention my health, and now I should do more? Because of his bad decisions?”

But I realize, he’s a narcissist - all the authority, no accountability, and at 94, it’s not going to change.

Sdbike, I, too, have wishes for his death. How sad when one’s hope for life is death. But it gets me by. And as my therapist says, “You have to have hope.”

So, he has food, shelter, healthcare. I am biding my time, and I have great hope. And tents!

Sue, my mother has said so often that I owe her. She believes that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. That is true, but weird. People have sex and kids -- that's the way life is for most people. She also feels my brother's children owe her for that same reason. She exempts my two brothers from this debt. I don't know why. I don't feel I owe her in any way. Psychologists often talk about FOG. I can't really relate to that. There's no fear, no obligation, no guilt. There's only this thing about having a family member who needs someone to stay with them, either me or a paid caregiver.

Oy, she just walked into the bedroom and asked me to go on the side of the house and chop up all the poison ivy. There's none out there, so that will be easy. She hasn't been on the side of the house for about three years, but in her mind she was there last week or even yesterday. Even 3 years ago there was no poison ivy out there.

I'll act like I chopped it up. Maybe I should take a couple of chairs and a blanket out there... and the rabbit and some snacks. :3

only001 - I wanted to respond to what you said about medical professionals putting the guilt and responsibility on you. It is so unfair but so many of them do it. That's not their job, but they abuse their role as health professionals to impose their views on the poor beleaguered caregivers. It's like they have nothing to offer in the situation except platitudes about sacrifice and obligation. They know the elderly have very few options, especially those without funds for assisted living or paid help. Usually they just want the best for their patients, but I've had my own health care providers also cluck at me about my obligation to my mother. Even psychiatrists, some of whom think you can magically keep your head above water while continuing to carry the soul-sucking burden that parent care can sometimes become.

No, you should not be asked to sacrifice your health, physical or mental. Or financial. If you sacrifice yourself while your parent is alive, there may not be enough of you left to salvage when your parent is deceased.