Does anyone else feel afraid of making a mistake or making matters worse when trying to help a LO?

Many people have been in your shoes. LOs that are indecisive. LOs that are resistant to change. LOs that can no longer make safe, rational decisions for themselves. For me, I need to filter my decisions through the question: what is in my mother's best interest that is reasonable to carry out? If you are her primary caregiver, the solutions need to also work for you. All you can do is the best you are able. Please don't fret or second-guess your well-researched decisions. Do have small, casual and informed conversations about pending issues with your mom so they don't "pop up" in moments of stress. You don't mention if your mom has any cognitive decline, but I think most seniors get more and more fearful and indecisive and resistant as they age and profound changes come faster and faster. May you have peace in your heart about the decisions you make. Blessings!

I’m so sorry that you lost your dad so young.

It’s hard caring for a parent when they are indecisive. Was she always like this? You can’t be a mind reader.

Did your dad serve in any wars to receive funds for his spouse?

I hope you will be able to get the financial assistance that she needs. It sounds like you did all that you could to help her. Best wishes to you and your family.

I sure know what you mean. Since I live with my mom and pay no rent, I make financial decisions about the house as well as about her daily routines and I’m always waiting for some kind of criticism from my family who live close yet they are way in the background.

In an effort to keep them in the background, I never ask for advice or volunteer information on what I have to purchase or repair so I still feel I’m on shaky ground. Her bank account is monitored by a family member who pays her bills for her and thank God for that! One less thing for me to do!

I’ve been doing this for more than ten years so you’d think I’d feel more confident and that I’d feel more trusted, but nope! I get criticized no matter what.

When it comes to medical decisions, I worry myself to death before I actually do something. I research intently about medicines and get the doctors advice where if it were for myself I’d TELL my doctor what I have changed.

My sister goes with us to the doctor so that is always joint consent. However, my sister isn’t current on any of the issues so the doctor and I talk over her and mom’s heads but that’s ok with me.

My mom tries to get me to make all the decisions but I get resistant sometimes. Don’t I already do enough? I don’t like having to interpret letters for her in areas I know nothing about but if I hear her on the phone giving out financial info, I’m on that in a heartbeat telling her, “Just hang up! It’s a scam!”

She can’t hear well and gets flustered but can’t remember that if they’re acquiring info that a legitimate business would have on hand, it’s got to be a hoax. That’s because she won’t remember not to answer the phone on calls she doesn’t recognize the caller ID! Scratch that...she comes up with reasons to answer them anyway lol.

She is still lucid and is technically in charge of her affairs though I am an authorized representative on most of her accounts. Also, she answers the main line telephone and most calls are for her while I have my own cell phone for my use. So sometimes she gets caught up in situations.

Anyway, we muddle through our lives ok. I can handle it when someone in the family steps on my toes now and then. Everything I do, I keep her best interests in the front of my brain so I’m open to scrutiny at any time. She supports me through thick and thin and feels blessed she has me here ( I do too!)

That statement right there is revealing enough about my insecurities isn’t it?

I think we do our best based on what we know and we research things we don’t know in order to make decisions to benefit our loved ones. We are at the very least, deciding better than they could do on their own, right? And we are doing it all out of love and in the hopes for the best for our dear ones.

Bless you for caring enough to ask the question.

charlotte

I think that's a legitimate concern, and you're wise to address it.    Perhaps it would help if you jotted down the categories of decisions you've already addressed (including those in your post), as well as others that you anticipate may arise.

Eg.,  you probably know what SS, Medicare and her insurance companies will offer.   Explore the township resources to learn if there's a senior center, and what the scope of its services are.    You may need to rely on them, and having that information at your fingertips will save time and stress.

Also find out if they have lists of tradesmen who can help with home repairs.  If they don't, call other Senior Centers in the area.  I've found the largest and most well managed are the most helpful, and sometimes those are in the more well organized, not upscale but comfortable well-to-do areas.  

If you have a list of potential tradesmen and contractors, and if there's an emergency, it won't be such a panicky situation if you've already called them, gotten pricing, and know what they will or won't do (such as offer senior discounts).

Also find out if they have senior health expos, generally lasting about 7 - 8 hours.   I've found them to be a treasure trove of potential contractors, home care, rehab, and other businesses or medical facilities.    If you have time, tour the rehab centers so you don't have to rush if an accident occurs and she needs rehab.

Eg., #2, does the senior center provide Meals on Wheels?    Is there a transit van or small bus for pick and transportation to medical appointments?  If not, and if she does need transit, research it here for possible resources, call, and get info ahead of time.  

When you have time, you can research home care companies for post facility rehab, in the event that something happens, she's hospitalized, and has rehab afterward.    Get brochures, contact the companies, and add that information to your lists.

Some folks use file folders for the separate topics, some use 3 ring binders.   Organization will help you, as will indices of information that might be needed.

If you have specific issues, such as transportation, special diets, etc., let us know.  There are a lot of posts on various topics, and the search function can locate those for you.

There's another aspect of developing the confidence to make decisions for someone else, and I don't think that's easy, not at all.    It requires so much anticipation of what would be best, but also the self confidence to know that you've done your best, which is why I suggest preliminary research so decisions can be made more quickly.

After you've done this for a while, you'll get to know better what her anticipatory needs are, and what works well and what doesn't.   

There's another aspect that I suspect others have experienced, and that's the frank recognition that at these older ages, they're not necessarily going to recover from everything that challenges them, and that's not your fault, regardless of what choices you make. 

It's unfortunately the nature of old age, decline, and caregiving.    All you can do is the best that's available to you.   It's sometimes hard not to blame yourself, but the important thing to recognize is that older people are in a state of decline, and we can't reverse it, nor can we cure or help in all situations.   We can only do the best we can.

I always second guess myself with the decisions I make on my mother's behalf. Mostly because she loves to blame others for everything and change her mind a million times, making it impossible for her TO make a decision to begin with. So hey, I'll do it, as the only child, then take the blame when things don't turn out perfectly, or the way she THOUGHT it should....which is the worst of all. What EVER lives up to the expectation that's put on it?

We do the best we can and let the chips fall where they may. And, if our mother's don't like it, THEY are welcome to take on the burden themselves!!!!

I’m in charge of my mom who has Alzheimer’s. I’m petrified. It’s funny how I have no problem taking care of my kids with any medical issues etc. but scared when it comes to my mom.

All one can do is their homework and make the best decision based on what they have gathered. That is it. Nothing is written in stone, so if this decision does not become the correct one, it can be changed, that is what life is about reevaluating and change.

Don't overthink this and most important don't send your self into a self imposed guilt spin, that accomplishes nothing.

On my father's and DH's deathbeds, I apologized for any and all shortcomings and also said that I believed I did my best for each of them.

Some worrying and concern is normal - but don't jeopardize your own health with the added stress of worrying. Just do your best.

I prayed daily for patience and for guidance and thankfully I received both.

Seems mom is having difficulty with her memory if she goes opposite to decisions that you make together - and the majority should be made together. Do you POA? You need it to care for her legal and financial matters. It might be helpful to narrow down choices to 2-3 most prudent options and give her "choice". If she can't or won't decide then tell her the "choice" you think is the best fit and go with that one. Don't fret because you are doing the best you can for her. Will you be perfect in decision-making for your mom? Probably not, because none of us are perfect in decision-making for our own lives. If you make arrangements based on love and mom's best interests or known preferences, you'll do fine.

There are wonderful support groups out there and family counselors who specialize in the elderly and their caregivers who can help. It is well worth it to know #1) you are not alone #2) you can find communication that works for both you and your Mom. All of this comes with a cost - time. And once you get grounded, you will see the clear path you need to take. Get the support. We can't do this alone.

Stay strong. Often there is no right or wrong decision. Just use your common sense and stop fretting. Sounds like you need to have some tough love with your mom. How did you raise your kids? Maybe not too much difference. Most of us have money issues. You are not a magician, you have to balance things with what you have. In regards to your latest "arrangements", what other options did or do you have? You have been and are a great daughter, she is fortunate t have you as her rock. So many elders don't have anyone.

It is weird making decisions for another adult! It is an aspect of life that you don't think about until you are faced with it. It is a unique situation since they are their own person and you don't want to take control where it is not needed or wanted but you want to help where you can because you can. And abilities are constantly, slowly changing so you have to be aware of where you may need to step in a bit more. The road may not be as smooth as we would like, but we can only try out best.

I had a similar concern as my mom declined. The advice I received in this forum, and took, was to find an attorney specializing in elder care and have a consultation. It was a one-time flat fee for the appointment. It resulted in good advice, a feeling of having someone objective involved, and knowing exactly where I will go as future developments occur—and they will.

So true Shayze, the endless phone calls & research we do for our LOs...It's a huge responsibility. I don't blame you for being anxious about it, cuz I worry about being blamed also. (Sounds like you were very diligent👍), & spoke to people 'in the know' about what's available. What else can you do? (Although my mother was great at just saying: "oh, never mind, or: "I changed my mind"....(after my many efforts for her). Uuggh..That made me freakin crazy! 😱lol.
Hope that won't happen 4u, you're doing a great job, imo.

Don't beat up on yourself. Caring for an aging parent will always be a matter of trial and error. This is what I have learned from my experience, however I envy those, as you have, who enjoyed good relationships with their parents. That foundation of loving trust can be a guide for your future relationship. Elders who are widowed/widower at fifty or sixty, are usually more independent than those who become widows in their 80s or older. This is usually because they are still working or running a business, or involved in homemaking.
Technology has changed some things, and there are times when you may need to step up. We Elders become targets of every telemarketer, scam artist and identity thief out there the minute we become 55. There are horror stories of Elders spending hundreds of dollars a month on dollar store items from Publisher clearing house and becoming late in life hoarders. Be careful of too good to be true insurance policies, and or mortgage rescues. Humana and AARP recommended companies are good, but because something is legal, does not mean it is right for everyone. Help, if asked, a parent shop for best deal for them. Elders, especially those living alone, can grow obsessions with televangelist or other faith salesmen on late night television, so a parents is religious. If you can, find a local church, synagogue, temple, mosque, that cherishes and respects the contribution of Elders or offers senior outreach. You may have to keep track of medicines an Elder is taking. Don't be shy about asking the Doctor- if you are medical contact- what medicines are really needed, especially if your parent has more than one physician. Doctors can administer cognitive testing/ OT screening to help determining your parent's ability of self help skills. And there are programs for Elders to work together like local Meals on Wheels. It takes a while to know when to step up or take a step back. Caregiver support networking online and in community are a wonderful resource Take care.

You may always second guess yourself about your decisions on someone else's behalf, but most of us make the best decisions we know how to at the time. Your mother does not want the pressure of making some of these decisions, so you can help her by researching options and choosing what best fits her needs. Medical decisions are often even more stressful than financial decisions. You do your best. If necessary, you might be able to make modifications later on.

You did right. You stepped up and made the arrangements. Don't second guess yourself. It is early in your plan and you can't let your negative thoughts and her anxiety cloud your determination to get her what she needs.

I was thinking of this today while out on the road and remembered that men view decision making somewhat differently.   If something doesn't work out, or doesn't go right, most of the men I know don't chastise themselves.  They see it as a learning experience, or as business people often say, a "mid-course correction."

We women need to think like that as well; it's more positive than chastising ourselves.

Please don't rehash it in your mind. You did the right thing. You could dwell on it, only to drive yourself crazy. Please don't.

Heard a football coach say once that it seemed to be the right thing to do at the time. Such a simple explanation and he didn't question his own judgement. We should all be so lucky to have someone helping us with our decisions.