Does anyone else ever feel physical anxiety symptoms when they have to deal with their elderly parent?

Piper, why do you have to see her this afternoon? And if there is some task that needs doing, why will it take you into the evening? Is there no possibility of someone else going whatever it is?

Please protect yourself. Your feelings are your body's way of telling you to avoid the harm your mother will cause.

It is not a matter of you needing better coping skills, it is a matter of avoiding your trigger, which is your mother.

Yes, I sometimes get the same feelings of physical anxiety & dread as you do when visiting my mother. Which is why I LIMIT my visits to once a week at best. I do call her every evening at 8:10 pm, but I'm not going to tonight; I've asked my husband to call her instead. Know why? She's been carrying on like a maniac for the past two nights during the phone conversations and I'm DONE. I need a break from the histrionics so I'm not going to speak to her tonight. She is ALWAYS on her best behavior when speaking to anybody but me, so let DH handle her tonight. And, if she keeps up this toxic BS behavior, we will NOT go see her tomorrow afternoon for our weekly obligatory visit.

Enough is enough.

Boundaries MUST be set down with these women or our entire LIVES will be destroyed. I already have a weight issue, a drinking issue, a smoking issue and all sorts of other hang ups, thanks to all the BS I've suffered my whole life. It's taken me decades to get those issues under control, yet EVERY time I see my mother or speak to her, the FIRST thing I want is a drink, a cigarette and a candy bar. Gee, I wonder why?

Figure out what suits YOU as to when you will visit the woman. Make a schedule of X time(s) per week and then stick to it like glue. If she doesn't like it, she can lump it.

Sorry for being blunt. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, if you know what I mean.

Good luck Piper. And may God help you make some decisions in YOUR best interest.

EP, I so get this. I've been living these anxiety feelings for a year+ and am hopefully going to be free from it soon. I have thought about how, what you said, is what I will be dealing with. The phone calls can be damaging as well.
It is like you're dam*ed if you do and dam*ed if you don't.
I like what Tothill wrote-a lot, and I'm going to use that advice when my Mom moves back to her apartment.
Take care.

I thought it was just me, and that maybe I was imagining it!

When I drive the 3 miles to my MIL's house - as I get within about a mile, I feel my adrenaline go crazy - - full on "Fight or Flight" mode!

I think it is the stress of not knowing what I'll walk into - will she be calm and compliant, will she be on the floor from a fall, will she be worked up over a fight she picked with other family members?? What will I find?? I just don't know.

Thank you for this topic, if only to see that I might not be crazy or imagining this!!

Oh, Piper!

I had an okay relationship with my mom; not great, not what I have with my daughters, but okay. No major drama and my mom, even with dementia, was pretty reasonable. By which I guess I mean I could get her to do what I needed her to. My siblings and siblings in law all agreed about mom's care so no drama there either.

Nonetheless, as mom's cognitive decline started, going to see her became more and more painful. I just NEVER knew what I was going to find. I had lost my "good enough mother".

I recognized that what was happening was that I was grieving, in a very real and visceral way, the person who taught me a lot of useful stuff. How to read labels, how to say "no", how to be a good mother in law.

As her MCI advanced to dementia, she would argue with me about the appropriateness of an "anti itch" cream based on its name, not its ingredients. She would claim that she was being required to manage her own medications in rehab...when the nurse had just given them to her! She started imagining slights from relatives that weren't happening.

I can only imagine how, with a lifetime of "not" a good relationship with your mom, these problems are exacerbated. I should have gone back into therapy when this started, but I didn't, and I'm left with some very bad habits that I wish I didn't have.

Piper, what you are feeling is totally expect-able. Mindfulness meditation helps.

When my internist, whose MIL was living with him at the time, inquired into my weight gain, I told him honestly that I attributed it to the very good local ice cream near my mom's NH and a lot of white wine upon getting home.

He sighed and said "bourbon is better".

Please take care of yourself.

I agree with everything lealonnie said!!! I am going through the same thing. Her answer is my answer!!! Ditto over here!! Enough is enough and don’t feel guilty.

When I am going to see my Mom my blood pressure goes sky high even though I am on three different BP meds. I often get heart palpitations and feel dizzy. I never know what I am going to walk into. When I get home I often have a headache which is not something I have ever been prone to have. So yes, you are not alone.

I have made a few changes recently that seem to help. I stay less time, 45 minutes is enough. I go three days a week but will soon be cutting down to two. I also have begun limiting phone conversations to just a few each week. Mom is usually pretty nasty on the phone.

If you have lived your whole life trying to please someone, hoping to prevent them from abusing you, then coping skills might not be enough. You might need to consider limiting contact. There is no shame in that.

I totally sympathize with you. I am pretty much in the same boat. Either we're both horrible or this is pretty normal? Please let it be normal, though pretty awful at the same time!

EP, mine is showing signs, has been for awhile. Normal conversations are only about him and his needs (always an emergency) and since he’s a highly intelligent man it’s going to be a cool minute or an accident before he will get tested/diagnosed. Hearing the decline in his voice, utter disregard to anyone’s situation, and even lying on top of dropping off to complete silence in the middle of a sentence....
yes, I already have anxiety but since we’re in the Hide-n-watch stage... it’s worse wondering when $hit is gonna hit!
If you consider utter dread blanketing over me and going completely fetal position “anxiety”, oh I’ve got it.
As advised I set forth to hire help, meal delivery, life alert and he’s cancelled it all. He seems much worse when I am around as far as being needy but he can’t hide the mental decline much longer. In my case I was told to stay away as much as possible because he was losing mobility FAST. Truth is he just wants me to do everything. I’m sorry but you’re going to need to consider how much longer you’ll endure this torturing of yourself. I guess I got lucky being told to stay away by multiple medical professionals and many caregivers here. I did, but he’s cancelled all the help.
im not positive when but he will eventually require placement and I will handle it all from a distance, probably fooling myself that I’ll get to be the good guy during visits and such once he is placed. I’d guess if yours is pulling the guilt card, you are already in the THICK OF IT😢
You’re not alone and this invisible disease of anxiety is no joke.
If you have to blame your Dr do it. You getting worse probably doesn’t matter a bit to her (maybe not even her fault) but that’ll get worse. Start seeking help for you both before you find yourself on heavy medications as some of us here already are! You can’t fix her, you can help yourself and if you don’t you will be of no help for her, THATS A REALITY!
I’m so sorry...

My mother passed away a little over three years ago.

My stomach still clenches up every frickin’ time the phone rings. Still.

Then there’s the intense feeling of dread - even though I know she’s long gone - when I come home from being out a few hours, when I look at the landline to check to see if there are any “missed calls”.

I keep wondering when this phone phobia is going to go away. I keep wondering if it’s EVER going to
go away...

Yes I used to get very anxious and stressed so I limited contact to a few times a year. When phone calls were bad I limited them or didn't answer. You will never please her so do what is right for you, You have at least an equal responsibility to yourself as you do to her. It is not just about what she wants or needs it is also about what you want and need. Her wanting more time with you and to verbally abuse you is not a need of hers. It is a want. Your desire to be away from the verbal abuse is a need. A little alcohol is OK for most people but a reliance on it to manage your life is not good

It is horrible feeling this way about one's mother, but don't hate yourself for that. You didn't break this relationship - she did and is. Care for yourself, look after yourself. while you look after your mother's needs but not her wants necessarily, Don't allow the situation to break you.

Thank you golden 23 for your advice!!!! I will post that one on my refrigerator so I never forget it!!!!!!

I must say, a lot of people have brilliant advice. I am thankful every day for finding this forum. There are a lot of great people on here. I never want to see anyone leave on here.,Everyone has so much to contribute!!!

I feel your pain. I don't have any answers for you as I am going through the same thing, but know you're not alone. I am literally looking at applying for Section 8 housing because I don't know how much longer I can live in this situation. Hang in there!

Yea! But I try not to dwell on it. I set an alarm for when to wake, when to sleep, when to eat and when to fast. I’m too busy worrying about when I get to eat to let the anxiety get to me. Then I take a heart pumping walk up the stairs or around the block and wonder why I’m breathing so hard.

Yesterday at the hospital with mom another woman calling her loved ones to report on her mom’s condition said,”We wanted her to live to 100, but I guess that is what I wanted.” So important to realize that it’s out of our hands.

Before my mom went to assisted living, going home or hearing the phone ring, the anxiety of the every day dread of what would be the next complaint, suspicion, demand, really affected my heart condition to the point that I sometimes had trouble breathing. One of my sons was in trouble during this same time, so I had a grandson to finish raising. I had weekly appointments with the chiropractor just to keep my body from falling apart. AND I was teaching full time and exhibiting my work. I look back at all that and wonder how I'm still alive. And my mom is actually very easy to deal with compared to other stories I read here. She is grateful most of the time for what I do for her. Really, she is lovely, so then I wonder what's wrong with me that I felt that way for so long about caring for her. Lately, what is the most difficult is to listen to her say that she is of no use to anyone, so wants to just die. She is physically healthy at 90, just can't remember anything.

I think it's worse when we have a fear of the "known" than a fear of the "unknown." When you have to walk on eggshells because you already know the response you're going to get, it's a horrible feeling. I've learned (too late) over the last few years that I need to live my life on my terms and not worry about pleasing people who will never be pleased anyway.

Oh Yes! Sometimes just seeing her number come up in caller ID is enough to make me say #@!$%. and feel my pulse jump up, I'm sure my BP is elevated. Then I feel bad when I get off the phone and say to myself jeez don't be such a #$@!&! She's actually very sweet but it wears you down.

I am leaving shortly to go to her AL to take her to bingo. Bingo at this AL is sorta awful. There is a hierarchy or clique-ey bunch of women that rule it. It's like seventh grade lunch table all over again. Mean girls never grow up they just grow old.

You better bet when I get back from there I will reward myself somehow.

Yes - on the phone, in person, yes, yes, yes! My mom and I used to be buddies, now she is an awful stranger.

Piper, I understand your anxiety. I have long-term enmeshment issues with a mentally ill mother who was totally unequipped for motherhood. Even though I cut my contact with Mom waaaaaay back and quit making phone calls, several days before I expect to visit I get anxious and depressed. I don't drink or smoke but I have engaged in "anxious eating" which resulted in a weight gain of 13 pounds...... from slender to pudgy within a few short months. Right now I'm trying to lose it, and at 60-something it ain't easy.

I quit obsessing about Mom's dementia and endless complaints. I fulfill her needs. Attempting to fulfill the wants is a bottomless vortex.

Mom is mentally ill with a diseased brain and will never get well. I can practice self-care by doing things that relax and engage my mind, exercise, and practice healthy eating habits. I refuse to go down with her.

May I suggest going low contact? Though I can't say it eliminated my anxiety, it certainly helped. Your mom undoubtedly expects daily contact but that isn't healthy for you. Your health and peace of mind matter, too!