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Our parents started declining a few years ago. Eventually, both needed someone with them around the clock. My two sisters live nearby and take turns being there, working around their schedules. Both sisters developed their own health problems during the same time our parents did. Both are amazing care givers. I started going more often once our parents needed someone in the house at all times. A paid care giver comes to the house in the day during the week. Thank goodness our parents have a decent pension to cover that. Adding up the days I've been there, I have been there a third of each year for the past three years. I took a job that pays minimum wage but allows me the flexibility of being there to share the care giving duties. I turned down better jobs to be available for care giving respite. I became too available. I did this to be there for our parents and for my two sisters so that they could do things other than work and care give and to protect their health. My being there allowed them to go on vacations, go to one sister's son's college graduation week out of state, spend time with their own families, work overtime, rest, etc. When there, I work my bottom off and thought that was appreciated. I even do a lot from a long distance. We eventually got cameras to watch for falls and potential crooks. I have overheard on those cameras several conversations that were so hurtful. I've been accused of being dramatic. They also say the two of them are doing the care giving alone, as if my contribution is not much. When I did voice, in anger, that our one brother, who lives two hours closer to our parents than I do, does nothing, I am now considered the bad guy. Instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt and realizing that outburst was uncharacteristic, I got criticized. Why does the one who shows up one quarter of the year get criticism while the one who does nothing gets praised for showing up for an hour about twice a year? Of the four children, I am the only one who has never taken from my parents. Our mother provided child care for both sisters while they worked. Our parents bailed out all three of my siblings and many adult grand children financially throughout all of their own bad financial decisions, never questioning their priorities. I have always accepted the consequences of my own financial bad decisions, quickly ending those behaviors early in life, and refused to take advantage of my parents that way. My husband thinks I'm the only one who owes them nothing. I might sound like a martyr in this post, but I don't act that way when I'm there. I'm not asking for praise, thank-yous, or money. But I could do without the criticism. I feel like no good deed goes unpunished. It makes me want to stop helping and seek a better job for myself, hence a better future. I love my parents and want to be there for and see them. My husband and own two adult children have suffered through my long absences, less income, miles on our cars, no family vacations for three years, and me being stressed, angry, and exhausted all of the time. Putting my family at risk financially will land us in our own possible desperate care giving situation some day in our own old ages. I will not let our two children be our care givers. While it's an honor at times, it's physically and emotionally exhausting. It is the most stressful thing I have ever done. It makes me think and say things out of character. Care giving is more bathroom related than anyone talks about. Medication situations, constant appointments, advocating for parents whose generations trust doctors even when they don't have their patients' best interests at heart, blood sugar checks, insulin injections, running another household, vet care for their pets, and so on. Lifetime TV movies would have you believing it is about spoon feeding a sweet old mother or father and remembering the good times. I don't know if I'm venting or hoping for advice. Thank you for any kindness or advice.

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gabby: My mother passed on. But she refused to move. She had said "I am so glad that I stayed in my own home." Many elders don't like change and therefore, their adult kids have to do the "changing." When you have a solo (as in one) sibling who started his career late in life, that leaves you to be the carer! Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them. Yes, I did have a fulltime career - a 45 year one, but I started right out of business college and also had a kid in my 20s.
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gabby: I know, right.
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Gabby,

It’s okay that you have had angry outbursts when upset. Everyone has!

It took my therapist telling me that it was okay to be angry before my guilt over being angry subsided.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
Thank you. I do need someone to convince me my feelings, thoughts, and words are common and don't make me a horrible human being.
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"I love my parents and want to be there for and see them. My husband and own two adult children have suffered through my long absences, less income, miles on our cars, no family vacations for three years, and me being stressed, angry, and exhausted all of the time."

So one-third of each year for the last three years totals to one full year that you've been gone from your husband and children in order to take care of your parents and help your sisters. That's a lot of time.

My husband is POA both medical and financial for his dad and also was for his mom before she died. If my husband was gone for one-third of the year, not earning money for it, and coming home exhausted and angry, I'd probably be separated.

Caregiving must work for everyone involved. It sounds like your arrangement is not working. Your first responsibility is to yourself. If you burnout, you are no good to anyone. Trust me, I've been there. I burned myself out for my inlaws, enabling them to live alone for longer than I should have, and I got sick. It took me a year to recover my health.

You can love your parents and help care for them without abandoning yourself and your own family. Sadly, too many caregivers learn that lesson too late e.g. when the good jobs are beyond their expertise, their health is declining, their children resent them, their spouses feel abandoned and have turned elsewhere for intimacy, and their finances are in shambles.

A new year is at our door step. It's a great time to make changes that benefit you. I urge you to have a heart-to-heart not with your parents, not with your sisters but rather with your husband, that man to whom you made a promise. Together you both can figure out what you are and are not willing to do for your parents. And let your sisters worry about themselves.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
NY,

Your last sentence of this post reminds me of an adorable story with my younger cousins. My first cousin had a boy and a girl. The oldest, the boy is my godson. He is two years older than his sister.

My cousin was married to a jerk that left her when the youngest was only six months old.

We spent a lot of time with the kids. Our kids weren’t born yet. We wanted to help my cousin out as much as we could. The kids spent many weekends with us so my cousin could have a break. She was always exhausted as all single working moms are.

One afternoon we were taking the kids on an outing and as usual my godson who was four at the time was picking on and bullying his little sister. We constantly corrected him for this but he was relentless.

Well, his little sister, who was two years old finally had enough! She looked at him with a lot of spunk said, “You just worry about yourself! Stop bossing me around!”

My husband and I cracked up! My godson shut up! He didn’t expect that from her.

My husband looked at me and said. “That’s smart advice for anyone. I am not worried about her. She obviously can take care of herself and will put anyone in their place!”

That little girl is all grown up with two daughters of her own now. The older one is just like her husband who is shy. The younger one is exactly like her! Hahaha

My cousin always felt like her kids were cheated because their dad walked out on them.

I always told her that when they grow up they will know how much she loved them. Her children call her on Father’s Day to wish her a Happy Father’s Day!

Oh, and her kids. They are very close. He knows she would never take any crap from him. Hahaha
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"I turned down better jobs to be available for care giving respite. I became too available."

You definitely became too available if your sisters can say your respite contribution is nothing. Since your sisters are sharing the day to day care giving they probably do feel they are carrying the major load. There is an extra load/stress of being the person that _must_ answer the bell which your sisters probably feel a little more than you do. I know am _very_ grateful for all respite care and cannot imagine telling anyone their contribution is nothing, not even the ladies who are being paid to provide care. Your sisters most likely really appreciate your efforts and greatly misspoke in a moment of anger. Care giving is very stressful and tiring. When we are stressed out and tired words come out of our mouths we don't really mean and in a calmer moment would agree do not really reflect reality.

Your post seems to indicate your sisters have retained their jobs and provide care after work. They seem to be making care giving a part of their lives but not sacrificing as much of their own lives as you have been. You are sacrificing your vacation time to provide opportunities for your sisters to have vacations? That's not good, you need and your family deserves vacations too.

I suggest you start putting yourself and your family first and care for your aging parents and consideration for your sisters second. Take a good job again. Continue to provide respite care for your parents either on _request_ or on a schedule that works with your job like a weekend every 2 or 4 weeks. If your sisters want coverage every weekend maybe your brother would pay for some weekend in home care hours (if your parents' funds cannot extend that far). Perhaps you take one week of vacation a year for respite care to allow a sister to take a vacation, or maybe it's time to hire more in home care for those vacations.

The care needs of our aging parents only increase as time passes and their capabilities decline. Your family has done well helping your parents remain in their home for several years, but maybe this dust-up is a sign the impact on their children's lives is getting to be too much. Perhaps the family should consider AL; your sisters could rotate days visiting after work and you and your brother could rotate weekend visits with all of you making sure your parents have good care. After your parents have settled into AL, vacations wouldn't be a big problem anymore.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I agree that my sisters have a much larger burden than I do. I have provided a great deal of the care giving, but am unable to do so once I am back at my home. There is a small feeling of freedom knowing that. I agree it is harder on them, because I know I wouldn't want to trade places with either one of them. Yes, they continue to work while a paid care giver is with our parents. It took going through several care givers to find a good one.
On a side note, don't give up on finding a good one. They do exist. If you see any red flags, trust those red flags. Put in cameras too and observe often. We treat our hired care giver as part of our team, not as hired help. Of course, she doesn't take advantage either. End side-note.
A good job hasn't been an option for me since I chose to be so available. I never intended to box myself in. Things kept happening that made me feel obligated to do as much as I can. Maybe I did martyr myself. I didn't want it all to be on their shoulders. You said "Your sisters most likely really appreciate your efforts and greatly misspoke in a moment of anger." I think you are right about that. I've said things in my life that I neither meant nor believed came out of my mouth, It is such a trapped feeling. We are constantly blind-sided. Not knowing when it will all end adds more stress to the situation. I truly never thought it would get so bad and go on so long. I love my sisters and forgive the cruel words. I'm going to print your suggestions and share them with my siblings.
Thank you for responding. It helps.
PS - I have never heard the term "dust-up." I plan to use it when appropriate. Thank you for adding that to my vocabulary.
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Have you considered a caregiver support group in your area or even seeing a therapist? I see a therapist and it helps.

I still get the impression that you feel that you can do it all and you can’t. You are sacrificing so much. You deserve to have rest.

Take care.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I do have an "I can do it all" attitude, one I've proven isn't possible. It's weird that I can feel so insecure yet feel I can do it all at the same time.
I did try a care giver support group. There were a variety of care givers, some in much more difficult situations than mine. Some are caring for spouses, adult siblings, friends. I take on the feelings of those in these incredibly difficult situations and feel like my situation isn't as bad as theirs. My personality makes me think I don't deserve to vent to such a group of people or that I'm taking up too much time talking or that I'm not getting enough time to talk. It's all likely imagined, but it still affects my needs. I won't give up on finding a group. I might just need one where the participants are only caring for parents.
Aging Care has been a wonderful support group for me.
I am looking for a therapist, one that won't assign a diagnosis to my situation. I don't believe everyone needs an actual diagnosis. Insurance does. So, I am seeking someone who will help me think through my options and the best solutions and let me talk. I'll probably have to pay out-of-pocket, but I can find a way to make that happen. I've narrowed it down to a few that look good and about to make the leap.
If it's not too personal, did you or someone you know seek therapy? If so, how was it helpful?
Thank you for the tips. I appreciate it.
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Please stop pushing yourself to the point of burning out. This situation always gets harder, never easier. I’m not trying to be judgmental. I was in your shoes. I grew bitter, resentful, angry, depressed and full of anxiety. It’s really not worth it. It’s impossible not to have a negative attitude if you are carrying a heavy load all by yourself. You can pretend it’s not that bad. I used to lie to myself but it never works. Underneath it is miserable.

I fully understand that you love your parents and feel like you owe them but in my opinion you have paid the debt with interest.

Is it possible for you to find a place for them? Your husband and children need you too. I regret not being there for my family and missing out on so much.

I burned out so I know how it feels to be overwhelmed. Don’t you want to spend more time with your family?

I hope that you will be able to step away from this situation. I felt so trapped when I was in your shoes. It became a nightmare. We become blind and immune to all of it. Trust me, when it’s over you will realize just how much you have sacrificed.

Take your sisters out of the equation totally. This is about you and your family, husband and children.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I don't see your comments as being judgmental at all. I see them as a much-needed wake-up call. I have become bitter, resentful, angry, depressed and full of anxiety. I could feel your pain in your words. I needed to feel that. Your comments have contributed to me knowing clearly what I must do and what I must stop doing. Yes, I want to be with my own chosen family. Thank you for making me feel less lonely in this. I'm sorry you had to experience it to pass on the warnings to me. I appreciate your response so very much. Thank you.
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I have to say that I have been thankful to anyone who has contributed to respite in my experience. The responsibility during that time is still the same. To keep the routines, medications, appointments and all else on schedule.

Respite has come from the kindness of others or through paid help and not so much the family members I expected. I've been avoiding the negative feelings I have towards those family members that I thought would be present for my mother. Mom looks to her family but there's just me for the most part.

I blurted out all my negativity to a friend. It helped to hear my friend say: don't second guess yourself. And btw you do deserve praise, thank you, and money. It's a lot of work to live your life and help another live theirs.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
Thank you for your calm and reassuring response. I appreciate your comforting words. I'm going to work on avoiding the negative feelings towards those who don't contribute, using work as an excuse, yet finding time for their own fun weekends. That will lie on their consciences, not mine. Dwelling on it serves no purpose for our parents or me.
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Hiya can relate 100% to your hurt and situation....very similar to mine looking after a school friend ....full time. Which i firmly believe has being wrongly diagnosed with early dementia age 64..

Her family think im here bcoz its fun but they never come to see her ...
I have health issuestoo

It is so sad sometimes how we all are taken for granted and expected to do things like you

The first wrong decision i have her sister who has seen her 4times in 2 years telling what i should be doing
You dont deserve that treatment or behaviour when you have given so much and put yr parents first. Im truly sorry to hear your story but in life i find pple are quick to be critical. ..and some ate selfish
Its a shame you cant walk away (like me) because of it being your parent's

I would be so upset and feel used and abused
Your not venting. Your hurting
Best wishes
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I like how you say I'm not venting. I'm hurting. That is so true. I am working on seeing it from my sisters' points of views more. They are hurting, overwhelmed, and grieving as well. They are really good at caring for our parents too. A friend told me those who do the most often get treated the worst. They're hurting too. One thing I wasn't prepared for was having the grieving process start when those needing care start to decline. The three of us have a constant "What the H*ll happened?" look on our faces.
What a wonderful friend you are to your friend. I hope your own health issues are improved soon and your friend gets a confirmed or corrected diagnosis.
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It usually doesn’t get better with siblings. I can’t say that I miss mine. They were never kind to me. They weren’t appreciative of anything.

Think about this, if you weren’t related to them, would they be in your life? Most likely not or in my case, I would answer, hell no! So why should they be in your life just because you share the same parents? That’s not a good enough reason.

As far as caregiving goes, that doesn’t always improve either, so don’t feel guilty about stepping away and letting someone else do the heavy lifting. Then live and enjoy your life as best that you can.

Best wishes to you. I hope you find the courage to step away. It’s hard when you feel an obligation or guilt but I don’t think you would regret it. Think of it this way, what is there to miss other than misery.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
"Live and enjoy your life as best that you can." Those are words I needed to hear. When I look into the eyes of my own chosen family and see the hurt when I'm in a bad mood (most of the time these past few years), I realize they should be my priority. I should be a priority as well. I'm working on my own goals and finding ways to accomplish them. Some can be accomplished, but I've convinced myself they can't until this care giving situation is over. I plan to continue to care for my parents and relieve my sisters, but it will be when I'm available, not based on their plans. Stepping away completely would eat at me and leave me with regrets. Knowing that it is an option and that others support me on walking away (you) helps me feel good about cutting back on my contribution. I've never been good at setting boundaries, but my availability can not be so sacrificial any more. I am looking for better work instead of staying in a dead end job just so I can be more available for care giving, one that will work throughout the care giving years and after.
"Think about this, if you weren’t related to them, would they be in your life?" also stuck with me. I will cut ties with my brother. I believe my sisters will bounce back. One already has and our relationship is back to a good place. The other, I will give the care giver burn-out benefit of the doubt for now. If she chooses to not have me in her life, I'll be okay. I won't beg.
Thank you for your response. This support has helped me so very much.
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No, because there was just me, myself and I who moved out of state to care my late mother. My brother couldn't do it. No complaining - just got the job done.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
Sometimes I think that the fewer family members involved, the better. In reality, that must come with its own set of challenges and fewer options. On a different subject, I have read numerous posts on this site about moving to where the person needing care lives to provide care giving. It seems like the ones in need of care giving are rarely willing to move to where the care giver lives.
I have decided to complain less, the goal being to stop complaining completely. I'll vent on this site, but your "No complaining - just got the job done" comment stuck with me. It's true. There is a care giving need, and no amount of complaining gets it accomplished. Thank you for responding.
I wish you the best in your own care giving situation.
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I deeply empathize with you/r situation.
As I've heard many times, it isn't what is happening, it is how we relate to it.
In other words, what can you do to reframe your reaction to how you feel? What can you do to lessen the load on yourself? How can you give yourself the nurturing you need? What changes can you make.
This caregiver need can drive anyone nutzo. We have to remember to NOT go down with a sinking ship and these are very individualized, personal changes in thoughts and behavior we need to make. Be it meditating for 5 minutes to taking time off, to learning boundary setting, getting to a therapist, bringing in a social worker or county support. Writing here is REALLY GOOD. Get it out and along the way, some supportive feedback will help.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I've calmed down a lot and am working on re-framing my reactions and attitudes. As much as I have practiced yoga and meditation, I should have come to this realization sooner. Thank you for reminding me. Planning my healthy lifestyle is a priority, my largest personal priority, in fact. I don't want my children to have to take care of me or my husband. For now, care giving should be seen as an obstacle, but one that can be worked around. I guess this is life, really. Your advise is profound. Boundary setting is key. I've always avoided seeing a therapist, but I am seeking one that works for me. You have helped me rethink that. So many have to give a diagnosis. I'm told this is for insurance purposes. I know myself well enough to know I won't do well once labeled. For others, that works and is fine, but not for me. I will pay out of pocket for a therapist who will see me as someone who needs to talk through the trauma of care giving and grief, and help me see things from a different perspective. Online support (this site) has helped me tremendously. Group support did not. I take on the feelings of the others in the meeting and either feel like I'm talking too much or not given enough time to talk. I think I found my forum. Your supportive feedback is appreciated.
I hope your own situation is going well.
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I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can relate to this situation over and over again in my life. I have no family living - and almost all of my friends are gone. Through the years I have taken on responsibilities to help people (not family) where I literally devoted my life to taking care of them as help was needed. I never ever received a word of thanks except from the professionals who knew what I was doing to help. Then after a friendship of 50 years and being a legal representative for l4 years, the man involved got ridiculous ideas into his head (no doubt based on mental issues), and proceeded to do things that were so cruel, so low, so unethical that I felt I had no choice but to quit and walk away - and I loved my job. Sometimes in life we see what is there in front of us but we don't have the brains or the guts to walk away. People are like this - some are cold and selfish and uncaring and will never, ever help. Once someone realizes that, then there are two options ONLY. You try to fix it and if you can, great - but if you can't fix it and it is harming or destroying you, then YOU must take the next step and WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK. I suggest before you go down the boob tube to place your parents in a good, safe place where they can be cared for. Then I would hold my head up and I would walk away from my family for good and never look back. It is not easy but do you really want to be part of something that is not healthy and good? I would hope not. There is a new and better life out there waiting for you and you need to move to that point. You can visit and be in touch with your parents but you need to THINK OF YOU. Please take action now. Your family will use you until there is nothing left and they will never help you - better you find out now before it is too late. Walk away to a better life - now.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
Thank you for your response. Your words have given me hope and the realization that I am more in control than I realize. I'm not prepared to step away completely right now, but having you and others tell me it is an option helps. My parents still need care. My sisters still need some relief. I am working on that better life and plan to arrange care giving duties around my life, not vice-versa. Fewer, shorter care giving stays should both highlight what I've given and given up and create a better life for me and my family. It's really about my parents needs. It shouldn't be about me, but I am part of the equation.
It sounds like your situation has been rough. You are definitely a shining light that others can spot from a great distance. I hope you will use that light to care for yourself even more.
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Right on Sister. My mother, even in her dementia, continues to idolize her only son. No matter, I have come to her rescue so many times and had to take over the trust because of criminal behavior by my brother. (who wants the trust back now). I realize the dysfunctional behavior has gone on for many years now. But my caregiving story is much like yours, took me months to get her health back on track, taking her to the right doctors,right prescriptions, driving over 100 miles a day, everyday at times etc. I also just want to throw in the towel and give the trust back to him and let him neglect her again.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
It must be difficult to trust a brother with a criminal behavior past. Trust must be earned by the person seeking it. That takes time. Sometimes, it never happens. I can't say my brother has a criminal past, just pretends to not see or know what his three sisters are doing for our parents. He won't even do anything that can be done from a distance. There are so many things people can do from a long distance, or while the care giver is there (in the case of your untrustworthy brother) outside of hands-on care. Send meals. Pay for a housekeeper. Pay for care giving for whatever isn't covered by pensions. Pay for lawn care. Or come to town for a day or weekend and do some of those things. Call the person needing care. There are more things that can be done, if one wants to really contribute. On a side note, I like to use the word "contribute," because the word "help" implies it's all the person asking for its responsibility and anything the person "helping" does to is heroic. When asking someone to do something, use the word "contribute."
I wish you continuous improvement with your own health goals.
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It is not okay that you or your sisters are sacrificing your lives to prop up your parents. They have the money for facility care and that is where they need to be.

I can't imagine why people cave to their parents demands to stay home when it is costing their offspring their own lives and future financial security. It is selfish and unreasonable to ask that of anyone, let alone people you are supposed to love.

I would send the sisters an email stating that you and your family have looked at what all of this propping up of mom and dad is costing you and your future and you can no longer do it, effective immediately.

Then you can go visit your parents and be their daughter and not caregiver.

I can't imagine any loving parent willingly costing their offspring the ability to work to secure their own future. You won't be able to afford in home caregivers because you have given up years of earning higher wages and you see how unrealistic having your children bear that responsibility is.

This is the perfect time to back off, you are already the bad guy.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
Our parents aren't aware of how it is affecting us. Well, our mother is, but she doesn't want it this way. She isn't able to communicate it to us now. She always said she didn't want to be a burden. Most likely, she would tell us to find an assisted living facility. I guess that's our fault. We built our own cage. The entire situation caught us off-guard. Backing off is a great suggestion. I believe my two sisters will back off more if I do. I am going to send that e-mail, so they can see it. I'm not sure my spoken words are even heard except for my regretted words. My hope is that we get more hired care giver hours. Even if they don't, I can only control my life, even though I feel like I no longer have control of my life. Regardless, I can't control theirs. I say use their money for care. Meanwhile, we've begun researching and visiting facilities. It's an emotional process, for certain. Your comment about already being the bad guy helped me rethink the entire situation. If I am still viewed as such, whatever decision I make won't change that. Thank you.
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You finally got to what I was going to say .....No good deed goes unpunished. I can't imagine having to overheard folks talking about me, but do know that in frustration we talk and the stuff that comes out is not pretty, and we would be mortally ashamed to know it was overheard.
Here is what I get out of all this. You are ALL STRUGGLING and sacrificing your lives, your health and your mental well being to your parents. It is time for them now to go into care. I am sorry. Sounds brutal to people who have spent years and well being to prevent that. But this could go on for decades. You all need to meet together. You need to be honest. Show this. It is gently put and explains it all. And then you need to decide what for your health you can all do. It is not meant that so many families sacrifice themselves to the lives of their parents, and then have another decade to live and die themselves. You have a right now to a life. Make your own decision as to your advice ("they need placement; we can't do it anymore?") and your decision if you are voted down ("well, I can't personally do it anymore, and you can judge me for that; that's fine; I admit my limitations. But at least I won't have to witness your judgement on live TV"?).
I am so sorry. This cannot go on. Not for ANY of you. What if they had no children? What then. In the old days folks often had kids so they could work the farm. There was no other answer to all that needed to be done. Kind of slave labor in a way, so they often couldn't even go to school. This isn't those times, but I kind of feel it is a reminder. Those of us who often wish we had "help" dealing with whatever we are dealing with could take a lesson with you letter. I hope you will update us. I am so sorry for the pain. You have many here sharing burdens of pain, with each case different. Hugs out to you.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
You put this so well. Thank you. Admitting my limitations to my sisters is a golden plan. It's not going to be easy, but it must be done. Until we can get our parents in an assisted living facility, I'll still contribute, only with shorter and fewer stays. I can't control what anyone thinks of me. I've tried to discuss what might be bothering them with me, but they say it's nothing , that they're just busy. My hope is that it was just temporary venting on their parts. Thank you for the supportive words. I have definitely grown through this process. My empathy and benefit of the doubt towards others has increased. You never know what someone else is going through. He or she might be in a care giving situation.
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Yes. All the time :(
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I'm sorry you're going through a similar situation. I hope things improve for you.
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YES
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I am sorry you are in a similar situation. I'm sure you understand the frustration of it all.
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Please read all the replies.....then read them again. These wonderful people on this forum have been there, are there, done that, are doing that. Your life needs to be your own...you state your family is suffering. Stop doing all you do.
let your siblings step up to the plate to take care of mom, since all they do is complain/criticize. Honestly, if i had heard my sisters talk about me on the camera, i would have confronted them right then and there!!! I would have said, im done, shes all yours and walked out the door. Then you can visit your mom as her daughter, not a caregiver....
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
Reading the replies over and over really does help. I am generally non-confrontational, so reading these again and again empowers me and has given me many ideas and options. The people who took time to respond really are wonderful. Thank you.
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My dear, what you do is stop allowing yourself to be a doormat and tell those siblings you are done. You owe your own family more of you, and if your parents have the funds, it is time for assisted living. Pleases do not sacrifice anymore of your life and what time may be left. Please let us know what happens...
Sending hugs to you, I know exactly how you feel...
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I DO owe my own family more of me. I will remind myself of this daily. I can live with the painful loss of a sibling or two or three, but not my own husband or two children. They have been amazing throughout all of this. I get tired of hearing myself talk about this. I can only imagine what they are feeling.
Sending hugs back to you! I'm sorry for your struggles. I'm thankful for your response.
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Remember this: you are helping to care for your parents for THEM, for THEIR sake and for THEIR safety, not for any other reason. I am an only child so I can't relate to having siblings who make me out to be the bad guy. My mother makes me out to be the bad guy, though, no matter HOW much I do for her, it's never 'enough.' My father, on the other hand, appreciated everything I did for him and was more than grateful and thankful. Unfortunately, he's now departed, leaving me the burden of caring for my mother who lives in Memory Care, thank you God, but there is STILL a ton of work to be done, regardless.

My 3 cousins all cared for their mother, my mother's sister, and her husband until their death. The son had little to do with the caregiving, but the two women (as usual) did 99% of the work. The son was given equal credit in spite of having done nothing to earn it. The two women fought like cats & dogs, and still DO, over 'who did more' for the folks. One says they did, the other says she did. Back and forth they go, still to this day, when in reality, it doesn't matter.

What DOES matter is YOUR future. Working for minimum wage will decrease your Social Security payments down the road. And probably your retirement future in general, since you won't have an IRA or anything like that. Please don't compromise YOUR retirement! Do what works best for YOU now, and leave more of the care giving duties to your siblings!

Forgive your ignorant siblings. Forgiveness is for YOU, not them. You are doing a great and valuable service for your folks and that is an admirable thing!
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I figured moving a parent or both into a facility wouldn't completely alleviate the care giving responsibilities. You still have to look out for their well-being. So, I feel for those in your situation too. The work of which you speak outside of care giving exists. I feel for you. I'm sorry for your treatment. You deserve better for your care and kindness to your parents. I'm glad one of them appreciated you. Even though frustrations exist among siblings, I can't imagine bearing the entire load as an only child. I won't argue with them on who did more or percentages, but I can say our brother does 0%. I'd prefer the anger of my sisters be directed towards him, not me.
Your social security payment and IRA contribution comments hit hard with me. I had only thought about income loss, not that. That is the incentive I need to strive for better work. I'm nervous about the perceived gap in my resume', but I have found some great suggestions on how to handle those concerns in an interview.
Forgiveness in my heart has been accomplished. I can do this because all three of us sisters have care giver burn-out. I just miss what I thought was a bond, a closeness. I hope that returns. I feel like this care giving roller coaster has changed us all. Some of it has made us better people, but the trauma is monumental. I have felt more peaceful and am not angry right now.
You, too, have done and are doing a great and a valuable service for your parents and that is also an admirable thing.
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Walk away. Take a better job. See them when you can. Put you and your family and financial future first.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
So simply put, Such a perfect response. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear. I appreciate it.
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Me, my mother never has appreciated anything I have done, and, everything is always my fault. I no longer try and have not spoken to her for 8 years, finally I get some peace.

Perhaps it is time to make a new plan, since they have funds it might be time for them to move into AL.

Me, I would start backing off and start regaining my sanity, my life. I wish you the very best!
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I'm definitely backing off. Good advice.
I'm sorry you weren't appreciated. I do feel our parents appreciate us.
I wish you continues peace and your own sanity and life.
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My mother lives with us. She doesn't like my husband because he's a man. She won't eat anything he or I cook. She's very insulting. We are clean and tidy people but she acts like we're filthy. She has to run the washer on empty before she uses it because I washed our clothes on it. I want to move her out but feel guilty before I start..
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lealonnie1 Nov 2019
Why on earth would you feel guilty moving out a mother who acts this way?? I'd get her out in a New York minute and not look back. "Guilt" is an emotion of no value....it tells you that you are doing something wrong. In reality, SHE is the one who's doing something wrong!!
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Sometimes it seems like I am being constantly criticized by my mom. She lives with me and I don't have any help. Maybe à ride to or from the store and when I need to go out of town for a doctor's appointment someone will stop by to check on her but that's it. But her attitude is that whatever I do or say is wrong or not enough. I can't do anything right and I'm always wrong.
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anonymous974934 Dec 2019
I'm sorry for your pain. Maybe make a list, for yourself (not her), of everything you have done for her to prove her criticism isn't valid. Read it when you doubt yourself. We, as care givers, will make mistakes. We're exhausted and overwhelmed. Those who do nothing can't make mistakes. They deserve the criticism. It's difficult to overcome a parent's criticism, especially if you grew up with it. I doubt myself a lot as well. Let me compliment you and say you are an amazing person to take care of her in spite of the way she treats you. I hope you get some kind of relief. You sound like you really need it.
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