Does anybody have a parent who self-harms/creates a crisis for attention?

Self harm is extremely dangerous for this woman for a number of reasons. Good grief-no insulin pump for that long must have made her blood sugar levels spike!  I agree with the majority here--step back as any psych eval is not your responsibility.

She needs a sync veal and family group secessions to keep everyone on the same track. The other family and friends do not realize they are doing her more harm in the long run but they are.

Since she seems to be in the hospital for one thing or the other that maybe the best exam your going to get. Maybe if the doctor can get her a fill blood work up.

I worked for a person like this. She wouldn't do her therapy after back surgery and convinced everyone she couldn't walk. But with help of a device she could. She would convince people she didn't have food yet food was spoiling in a chest freezer she would use because it wasn't cookies and candy honestly. Plus I did her grocery shopping so I know she had food and the caregivers did the majority of the cooking plus she got meal on wheels 5 times a weeks. She would tell different people different things to start a disagreement because she didn't want us to figure out what she was up too. She is in an assisted living now and manipulates her daughter so much. The woman has no restraint when it comes to lying and manipulation.

Arleeda and Tluther, my mom, too, was finally diagnosed with microcolitis. It is real. Believe it or not, we're actually keeping it under control with 2 a day immodium now.

First let's all remember that DejectedDIL came here (basically anonymously) to openly share and ask for help, that doesn't mean she is expressing these things boldly to her husband and family. Sounds to me as though they are sharing their thoughts and frustrations in a healthy way, she and husband that is and doing what they can to deal with it for themselves and children in a healthy way in fact. But trying or even able to do that doesn't mean there aren't and wont be issues to navigate on-going and with the rest of the family who maybe hasn't been as intimately affected as MIL's children. My point being let's not be so hard on this and other posters we can offer opinions and help even when it hits close to home.

Diabetics can be hard, especially of a certain age I think because so much less was understood about managing and even diagnosing it through most of their lives. There are all kinds of reasons, many not self-realized, people don't take care of themselves and seem to foster health emergencies. It is frustrating and often glaringly obvious (we think) to those around them and that doesn't help being one of the people that loves and cares about them. To me what stands out in your description Dejected is your MIL's need for attention which probably means she feels left out, unfulfilled in life and is afraid she isn't loved. I have always felt so badly for people who need proof others love them and admired people who are so secure in their own skin that they just draw people too them. Earned or not something in your MIL's past or chemical make up makes her this way and while it might be helped or eased it probably wont be "cured" and it sounds to me like you and your husband already acknowledge that. But you love this woman, her sons love her and it's painful to live with even with full understanding if your lucky enough to have it. Maybe her kids can use her need for attention to get help, including a psyc eval. A full work up from specialists, finding and carrying out treatment requires all kinds of attention and could be a group effort including some of those other family members who didn't live in the same house with her. The psychiatric piece of this work up could be with the intent of having a baseline which can be a huge help in the event of stroke (a bigger risk in diabetics) or diagnosing possible dementia and Alshimers. Diabetes and the management can be such a mixed bag, first it does offer a lot of opportunity for attention but it requires self attention. Once they get into a downward spiral BS wise it can affect so many things, thought process one of those, that the poor management isn't really in as much of their control as it seems from here on the outside. So while yes they are causing these emergency episodes, they aren't doing it as contentiously as it seems. I'm not explaining this well but I'm not sure how to explain it better. My mom is diabetic and prior to her stroke she didn't manage it well but not because she was trying to manage it poorly so much as 1) she never really believed or understood the long term and irreversible damage she was doing especially with the highs. She felt the lows but the highs she didn't recognize the same way and the whole body damage just never clicked. 2) she had other body system things going on including both vascular and heart that she attributes to hereditary factors but are likely attributed to diabetes management as well, doesn't really matter but lack of energy and blood flow often prevented her from caring for herself properly. 3) she doesn't feel or recognize pain, she is an adapter by nature and I think diabetes has altered her nerve receptors 4) she doesn't like to "be a burden" so she doesn't share complaints or ask for help easily and often fights it. This all led several times to ER visits with sky high blood sugar or very low BS. Hospital visits always put her in great shape management wise because she was getting help and thins would be good for a while until a cold or something threw everything off and the spiral happened again. One could say she was sabotaging herself but it's different from your MIL, I don't really think she was on purpose or looking for attention it was more about being overwhelmed and denial. She was putting off stuff, like heart surgery more than we had any idea about but she has always been one of those, if you deny it it doesn't exist people.

My point being that this may be far more complicated than you think and while your MIL has always been needy it may not all be a conscious effort to get attention. The reason she craves that attention may be deep and out of her control too so maybe viewing it that way can help you to help your husband help her with a better outlook. The fact is you aren't going to abandon her, if her medical needs continue to no be attended to as completely as possible it's just going to get worse so it's in your best interest to make sure she gets the medical attention and might help you feel good about finding and maintaining that balance between taking care of and being a part of her life and being more and more put out by it. Good luck to you and your family and understand while it may not always come across that way, we all read and respond from a personal place, people here mean well and this is a good place to come vent, ask questions and just read others experiences, we are with you all the way. Your husband, his family and your MIL are very fortunate to have you in their court.

I like Surprise's advice - if she finds herself hospitalized for some possibly self-created issue, suggest a psych evaluation. Although - unless she brags about it if she does indeed have one - it may be hard to find out what it is due to privacy issues. Others have suggested your getting advice from a mental health professional on ways to deal with her issues and how it affects you and your husband/family; that professional could give better advice if he/she knew what the MIL's diagnosis is.

To a lesser degree, I have a similar situation. My dad passed at 53; my mother was the same age and my sister (middle child; I'm the baby) stepped in to assuage her own guilt - over what, I don't know. But sister did everything for and with Mom. I warned her to stop, step back, because Mom would come to rely on her and years down the road, sister would be burned out. Well, guess where we are now? Mom is 84 now and has Alz. My sister is still her go-to and now, sister can't step back...much. She and I have our own dynamic - she's mad I didn't step in earlier to do "my share," and I'm angry with her that she was co-dependent. We've both fessed up on our issues and are about as united as possible in dealing with Mom going forward, so we're lucky there.

How very sad that your MIL isn't even Social Security age yet. Set your boundaries and stick to them, but be prepared to be cut out of the will. She could be a vindictive person and make a show of pitting her children against one another. Turn the other cheek. Good luck.

Tluther, as someone who finally got chronic diarrhea diagnosed as microcolitis, this condition may be very real. I worry that when and if I develop dementia (I have a gene for late onset Alzheimer's) and forget I have this condition that sometimes requires 2-3 early morning visits to the toilet (even with medicationmedication) I will be accused of something! My family knows but hasn't had to really deal with this yet as I am fully mobile at 81.

If you find yourself at the hospital, you might mention to a nurse that she's "self medicated" in a variety of ways before and you would not be surprised if she'd been drunk on pills when this happened. That might be enough to trigger an alert, and you would feel like you had told someone. After that, step back. Adults have a right to be stupid and make bad choices. It's not up to you to stop them, only to protect yourself from harm. I'd go low contact to stay out of the way of her self-destruction. Maybe even move. But I sure would not allow her to be near any of my children, ever.

I agree with the previous comments completely.

The one thing I wanted to add is small but important.
You're an outsider, to some degree. So it's so much easier to see her for what she is. That being said, it's probably best to keep your assessments to yourself ,when it doesn't directly impact your family.

Hubby may come to resent you, even if he agrees with you because, after all, she is his Mom.

I know for me, when I saw exactly what my brother was doing, I was the first to call it out. When my husband would start putting his two cents in, after the first three minutes I'd get pissed. I felt offended! How dare he raddle his face off about my baby brother who has a problem! He doesn't know how awesome my brother is underneath this issue!

Recognition is fine, but don't go overboard. It will backfire. He has plenty of loving, gratuitous, and special feelings towards his Mom from childhood. Even abused kids protect their parents.

Just tread lightly, you don't need hubby to develop resentments toward you. He may not even tell you he's carrying them.

Just continue to keep your distance. Come here to vent, rant and complain all you want, we're here for you!

This is so much like my mother and her 40 year run of diarrhea. She has used it as a ploy to get out of everything from school plays to my wedding to my father’s funeral. No doctor can find anything wrong and if you insist she do something...like her husband’s funeral...she will fake vomit. It’s pituful and enraging at the same time. I recognize it’s a mental illness and she’s been selfish and “me” oriented her whole life. Sadly she lives with us so there’s only so much we can distance ourselves from her drama. We get the last laugh as we just bought a new house with an apartment outside the house so we no longer have to view the illness 24/7. I applaud you putting some distance between you and her, but proving how she is will be difficult.  My mom fooled her neighbors for 21 years that she was a nice, loving, but sickly lady.

This person is very manipulative, and the rest of the family should not allow her to manipulate them. However, there is nothing one can do if family members choose to be enablers. You seem to be doing the right thing - keeping a distance from her.

Rarely can we save someone who isn't willing (or is no longer able) to help themselves. Their capabilities for change / improvement, as well as our own, may already be set. We love the person. We don't want to abandon and we don't want to enable. We do what we can and try as much as we can to be loving, not judgmental. There are few rules of thumb, except to be as kind and helpful as we can while keeping the physical and emotional distance we need to preserve our own mental and physical health and our ability to keep being there for them.

Marcia, this is true. I think keeping their distance is good. My MIL lied to my husband telling him I said something negative to her. Turns out what I had said was turned around and had nothing to do with her. Another time she told an Aunt I wouldn't allow her to have my daughter. Aunt knew that wasn't true. I just started staying away from her.

What I got from the post was not so much she did it on purpose but that she overdosed on pills which made her unsteady on her feet.

I like "personality disorder". My MIL lied to get out of something she didn't want to do or get out of something she did do. She could be nasty when she didn't get her way. She took on other peoples illnesses as her own. To the point she told my BIL she had breast cancer to get him home for Christmas. Her sister told us she was like this as a child. Her being like this was hard on the DILs. Never knew if she was telling the truth. Its a mental sickness. Keeping your distance is a good thing. My MIL moved to Fla 2 days ride from us. TG she chose to stay there aft FIL died. Visits were nice but a week was enough.

What would be your goals in having this investigated? I think it will be hard to prove she deliberately broke her own hip. But if you could, to what end? If you have already established clear boundaries for yourself and your husband, are you hoping the other siblings will also establish better boundaries? Are you hoping to have her admit her basic personality disorder or find ways to better deal with it? It's just good to establish your goals.

Family dynamics are extremely difficult to change. I think you are doing the right thing by limiting your involvement. Maybe you and your husband could discuss the issue with a therapist to see if there is anything more you could be doing for your own family. I don't think you are going to successfully fix your MIL.

She should be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for a workup of her mental health issues.