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My mom died yesterday before I could get to the hospital. She had been in the ER for 3 days and was not lucid nor coherent during that time. I am her emergency contact and was not contacted until she has been there for 3 days. I started making arrangements to get to her and she died before I could get there. Had I known 3 days earlier, I might have been able to be with her before she passes away. How could they wait 3 days before letting me know?

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I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom in such a traumatic way. Please consider that if she wasn't lucid or coherent in the ER like you stated, how would she have communicated who her next of kin was? Had she been to that hospital before and filled out forms? If they didn't gather her purse to take with her in the ambulance, they'd have no information at all unless she was a patient of a doctor connected to that hospital and then maybe she'd be in their system, but even then I'm not sure they'd find the info. If she didn't have a phone with her with an ICE #, again they'd have no way to know who to contact.

Believe me, they really want to find the next of kin or medical PoA or Medical Representative because they don't want to be making end of life treatment decisions in the dark. Without a legal spokesperson the doctors are obligated to provide more heroic treatment measures that may not be wanted by the patient and only serves to prolong death, not really productive in the end. They don't want this for their patients but they are obligated to do it. May you receive peace in your heart as you move through your sorrow and grief.
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I was also thinking this was some kind of identification problem. It really does happen where someone is brought to a hospital by a squad and no one knows who they are, where they live, or anything. It's a John/Jane Doe situation, but care is provided. Like Geaton said, hospitals are eager to find the family/contact/etc so decisions can be made by that person instead of being made by staff or hospital protocols. You need to find out if they had your correct information. Had they mistakenly been trying to reach someone else?
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Chellelee, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your profile says that mom was in Assisted Living. When my mom was in a facility and she was taken to the ER, it was the facility that reported to us, not the ER.
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I agree, it was up to the AL to call you. It would be these people you need to deal with. I would ask why I wasn't called. They have an obligation to call you about anything medical.
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Momsonlychild Dec 2020
What I cannot imagine is that our loved ones with dementia are sent to the ER without anyone with them! How is this even legal?
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It was the Assisted Living that should have called you. The hospitals are inundated. They are looking for whomever comes in. They should have had papers from the ALF. What a mess. I want to say this is because of covid, because there is no way that someone is allowed to stay in ER for three days. There is 24 hour observation and then some way they can extend that once, but I honestly don't think, unless things have changed, that it can extend to three days.
Whomever dropped the ball here it was dropped and badly. You can't even know how she was doing, was she comatose. I myself would access those records with help of a Lawyer, would need to know what was happening to her.
There is no way to address this but through JCAHO, Joint Commission on Accreditaion, by mail. The circumstances as briefly and fully as you can. There is no malpractice suit here at all, but you were badly let down and so was she and I could not be sorrier. Please speak with the admin at her nursing home.
My bro was taken to hospital by EMT from his ALF; I was notified before he left. I could not be sorrier this happened to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2020
My mom was kept for 3 days in the ER. Times have changed for the hospitals and you just don't know what you are going to face if you have to go.
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Chellelee, I am so sorry for your loss.

May God guide you and give you strength and peace during this difficult time.

I think that her AL dropped the ball when you were not notified. It won't change your situation but, you should follow through with filing complaints so, hopefully, another family will be spared.
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I am so sorry this happened to you & your Mother. So very sad. As time can't be reversed I suppose I would send a prayer or equivalent to the universe with a goodbye message to Mom. That you wished you could have been there but circumstances beyond your control prevented this. May she be at peace. May you find peace also after this traumatic event.
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MargaretMcKen Dec 2020
So many people have something to regret about an unexpected death. It ranges from 'I shouldn't have let him go to the party on his motor bike' to 'I should have got the doctor sooner'. Ask the questions that should be asked, but try not to carry a bitterness about things that went wrong. It won't help anyone.

I think it is easy to believe that our loved ones linger around us in the spirit, until they move out to the universe. I talked to my dear mother for a while, then she drifted away. Try to move towards peace for yourself and her.
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