Is asking for documentation of end-of-life expenses from your siblings wrong?

Have you asked them why they're behaving so aggressively? Is there some other grievance they're nurturing that you're unaware of, perhaps? Your not being able to be there when they made the funeral arrangements could have become more of an issue than you realise, for example; but it could be all kinds of small incidents in that vein. These things can snowball.

Not to stir matters even more, but one salient issue in the context of this forum would be how involved in your parents' lives, and especially your late mother's, you were. Could there be any underlying resentment to their current attitude?

If it's not about the amount, and you don't want to cut ties, I am not quite sure why you would need an itemization... Particularly since, in all honesty, it is a quite modest amount. I feel sure there are some family dynamics that none of us are aware of (there always are) . I don't know if you were the one who bore the majority of responsibility for your Mom or not...I don't think it really clarifies that in the post..I'm sorry if I missed it. All I can say, because it happened to me, is that if your siblings perhaps were the ones who were there for your Mom for the most part, then it is probably inflammatory to say the least to be questioned on that amount...and particularly for your wife...not you, your wife...to call the funeral home to request the itemization.

Maybe it's something that those of us who have had sister's in law who refused to help whatsoever with any aspect of caregiving, including being there for moral or emotional support, however find it all too easy to chime in when our loved ones..particularly our Mom's have passed.

Additionally, as I mentioned, I have had to personally bear the entire financial and emotional aspect of my Mama's care and yet a couple of years ago when a neighbor confronted my sibling about their lack of support attacked me verbally and demanded I provide copies of all documents pertaining to my Mama. I asked them why, were they going to finally help contributing to her care? That was the end of that story.

Dear jeannegibbs/freqflyer/hope22, unfortunately there is some misunderstanding. The amount of the money is meaingless to my family nor am I wanting to cut ties with my siblings over $52 or for any amount. The principal of the matter is that I just asked for a copy of the invoice of the funeral expenses and they said "NO". Then they start verbally attacking me, harassing my family and our father to immediately pay up. The costs were put on a credit card which will not be due for some time. I will make sure to reimburse her well before then. I still see no justification for their hostile actions. Even at the funeral a good friend of my siblings (not me) stated "how bad my siblings treated me". I'm not wanting to cut ties about the money. It's about the hostilities and protecting my wife and children from the language, the anger, the attacks and any future hostilities.

I don't even know what to say. I do know emotions are raw at a time like this...and so first of all, I am sorry at the passing of your Mom. I do not know what all the family dynamics are so I want to be careful about what I say...

I don't know if you have helped care for your Mom throughout her final days or years or if you were largely "away" for the most part and the siblings were the ones who had to do most of the caregiving.

For me, I have been the sole caregiver for my sweet Mama going on four years now, have born the entire expense of her care, had to sell my home at a loss, gave up my job and retirement, etc....and when my Mama passes I already know I am going to be the only one who will pay for the final expenses, even though I have a sibling. My sister in law has not been to this house in over three years to see my Mama even though she and Mama and I were close all of our years together...She does not work, has no children and yet complains about every single thing my brother even attempts to do for Mama or for me. I will say that if my SISTER IN LAW called the funeral home after the sad time when my Mama passes, I would be LIVID....and I have already begun preplanning and the funeral is going to be close to $10,000 NOT including floral, etc. so to be quibbling over this amount of money and for your wife to call the funeral home is honestly so offensive to me I really just don't know what to say.

I am sorry that you are going through this at such a time...To me the best tribute any of us can pay to our parents when t
hey leave us is to show a sense of familial peace and grace ...but sadly I have seen this type of thing happen all too many times...truly, it seems so sad to me to be demanding an itemized invoice and is it really worth breaking up the family over.

When I lost my Daddy, my ex sister in law created so much drama and it was ugly...I knew my brother was not the instigator but the fact he allowed her to do it was and always will be hard for me to get over...Ugly things that happen during such a painful and sad time leave deep deep wounds that often times will not heal...

Personally, unless your siblings have given you reason in the past to be untrustworthy I would pay your part and ask no more questions. And also personally, even if they had over such a small amount of money I would pay it and ask no more questions. And tell your wife to stay out of this.

ReasonableBro, good heavens, your Mother just passed away, and you want to break up the family over $52.20 which probably has to do with other out of pocket expenses not connected to the funeral home. Imagine if your Mom was looking down and seeing this happening all because she had passed away :(

My goodness. I think you are being petty, especially given that this was all of you guys' mother. They took care of everything and you are quibbling over a small bit of money?

ReasonableBro, if you are willing to sever ties with your siblings over $52 of unexplained funeral expenses then, yes, you are pompous and a skinflint. Aren't you all mourning the loss of your mother? Aren't you all a little on edge and emotionally fragile? Apologize for taking so long to reimburse the sister who put your share on her credit card. Apologize for not trusting them to take care of things when you could not participate. Or write them all off if that would really make you feel better.

So either they are diddling you out of $52.20, or, perhaps, there were incidental expenses paid for on your sister's credit card but not charged by the funeral home per se. Floral tributes? Refreshments for the mourners? You could ask for an itemised account but I really wouldn't recommend it.

I'm sorry that this has caused unpleasantness for your family. Bereavement does expose nerve endings rather, and people get upset very easily. I hope the dust settles soon. My sympathies for your loss.

Thank you all for your comments! I got lambasted and F-bombed by two of my sisters telling me I need to pay up. Both said they were NOT going to provide any copies of any invoices/receipts nor copies of any other of my mother's financial documents. So, my wife called the funeral home and they were more than cooperative in emailing me the invoice for my mother. The costs were only $2565 ($427.50/sibling). Another sister now calls my home and hangs up on my family if I don't answer. Now, they are calling our father and telling him that I need to pay up. He's absolutely livid with them and told them to give me a copy of the funeral invoice. I'll just go ahead and pay the $470 and let them know to leave me, my family, and our father alone! Maybe me and my family FOREVER? I don't think that's being "pompous" or a "skinflint".

It's not wrong of you to ask for invoices or receipts or whatever. And it shouldn't be that difficult for your siblings to provide these documents (although presumably your sister won't get her credit card statement for a couple of weeks).

It's just… a bit… eeeuw. Do you really not trust them to add up?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You are being a bit pompous. And a bit of a skinflint. At a time when your siblings are probably not in the mood for it. Take a risk, just send your sister the money.

Money's funny stuff. Wife and I are sharing the expense of her mother with her brother's family. We cared for her in our home for 8 years, built addition, all freely given. Now it's time to share expenses she cannot afford any longer in an AL facility. Given our former freely given contributions I think we should be able to expect trust and more than 50/50 assist. I just give that as background. All money will pass through her checking account.

Rather than tell her brother what the amount is, we give him a spreadsheet showing expense and her SS income, and the split. We also volunteered her bank account passwords and CC password so he can see where all goes. It's what I'd want; he didn't ask for it but we felt it was the best way to put it all in the open, full transparency.

I guess I offer this because it seems this is what your would like. I think it's entirely reasonable. Some people are flip with money, some pay close attention to it. I think you're like I am and are entirely entitled to see the overall accounting; no one should resent that. Of course there may be some family history that complicates it. Of course the one other note might be that depending on family relationships, you may just choose to write the check and be done with it, as long as that doesn't generate long term repressed hard feelings on your part. Good luck.

$470 means it was divided six ways. The so-advertised cheap cremations often do NOT include transporting the body, publishing an obituary, no urn just a Ziploc bag, no death certificates, and many other "extras" that a funeral director includes as part of their services. They get you in the door cheap and tack on, nickel and dime you until there is no real savings. I'm sorry you were not there, but I think you should pay up because it was done very economically if the bill was only $2800.

Please, ask your siblings for receipts. You are not being unreasonable; doing otherwise can lead to many forms of financial exploitation of the elderly or around elderly financial situations. As much as possible, communicate with each other clearly about ANY expenses related to an aging parent or their passing.

While it may help to say "I want to know exactly what my money is going towards so I am accountable for any financial mistakes," the real issue is that they need to be transparent about those matters and that a lack of transparency is itself a red flag.

Good luck!