How to document conversations when sibling won't use email?

In this day and age, I am amazed how many people refuse or do not check email. Email is "electronic mail", no different than a stamped and mailed letter. Would these same people not get their mail from the mailbox? My dad is 92 and does email for Pete's sake. People like your sibling drive me nuts. YOU are the caregiver, therefore, you can set the boundaries. After a hard day of caregiving sometimes one does not need to be on the phone having a conversation. We just need the time to regroup, relax, be with just ourself and gather our thoughts. Sadly most people including family members have no clue what caregiving entails. One compromise would be for YOU to set the day and time for a phone call. Maybe once a week or every other week or once a month. Tell the sibling to read your emails and write down any questions or comments regarding what you've written so you can talk on the phone. Set a timer once you are on the phone. When the timer goes off, excuse yourself and end the conversation. What many of us fail to realize is that we are not powerless...we can set boundaries. So now, you can do it!

Grace,
Continue to use e-mail. You are wise to want to document everything. In my case so many thing could have come back to haunt me if I had not saved the e-mails. If sibling will not respond, so be it. But you can keep notes on conversations, then send notes via e-mail to that sibling. If sibling does not respond to the second e-mail, so be it. You can request read receipts by e-mail when the recipient has opened the message, though the receipt request is optional when returned to you.

A word of caution. As Madeaa suggests, you can record a phone conversation. However, at the beginning of the recording, ask your sibling if it is okay to record the conversation. If he/she says no, then you must turn the recording off. It is against the law to record someone without their permission.

What I do with my brother, who lives 1500 miles away, and also prefers phone conversations, is put in an email a list of things I want to discuss in person in the next phone conversation. That way I get the convenience of e-mails and he gets the phone conversation he prefers. I also send a follow-up e-mail listing any decisions that have been made concerning the issues. I do it as a reply to the original e-mail, and write the decisions next to the items in a different color so it's all documented together. Down the road, like a year later, I have found this to be really helpful as decisions need to be tweaked.

GraceH! I applaud your attempt at communication! I have the same attitude that you have (have you been looking into my life?!) You are doing the best you can and are communicating. I am my mother's guardian and I also use email as it is immediate and gives me time to think as I type. I save EVERY email, just as a reminder of what was going on at the moment. Oh yes, BTW, I have one brother who doesn't check his email, but that's his problem. Keep up the good work.

My thought is you are the caregiver and since caregiving is hard and stressful, you as the person doing all the care need to do whatever makes your life easier, emails are a way to make your job/schedules easier. You can email when you have the time to compose your feelings and thoughts and when the person you are taking care of is sleeping, out at day care, or whatever. Sometimes we are so stressed, emotional with what we deal with on a daily basis we just can't go through a blow by blow over the phone, the person not doing the caregiving may be able to do so because they aren't in the mix on a 24/7 basis. So, I'd say it is not very thoughtful about what you do and are doing to fuss about emails. Of course if something needs face to face discussion do it, tape it if you have to. Each email sent will be a record of your interactions even if they don't respond, your next response would be a record of your response to theirs.

I have short term memory issues from repetitive concussions. I prefer e-mail interactions for any important discussions for multiple reasons. The first is so I have a record of what was discussed as I may not remember important points. Without a written list in front of me during the interaction I am likely to forget to discuss important things and during conversations I can't process information fast enough to come up with the right next questions or even answers. I also need to write or respond to the e-mails when I am not tired or distracted. As we age or when we are stressed, these become common issues for many. A written interaction prevents things being missed or misunderstood. I tell folks in advance why this accommodation is necessary for me. Calls for social interactions are fine, but during convenient times for the caregiver. But for planning and sharing important information, written interactions may be best.

I don't know what I would do without email! I have four siblings in three different states (none of them in mine!). Email allows me to give all of them updates simultaneously. Good grief, if I had to call each one every time Mom had a doctor's appointment or significant issue, I'd never get anything else done.

GrandmaLynn5's method gets my vote.

This relentlessly adversarial relationship is toxic.

Are you the caregiver? Do you have power of attorney? Then just stop it with the emails, calls or whatever.

I found out the hard way when I took over care of my elderly mother that it doesn't work to manage her and the household by committee. Not only did I stop asking for opinions from my two sisters, I learned to sidestep their questions when they tried to butt in. Now I keep them informed about how Mom's doing and that's it.

But if it's impossible to operate without your family's interference, you may want to think about getting out of the position in which you're stuck. How long can your health survive this sort of stress?

Good luck and God bless.

Grace, I like emails too - only way I can finish a sentence without getting challenged or flat-out contradicted. Sigh. Goodness, isn't it all so wearying?

I'd suggest a combination of many above - you go ahead and email, if that's what suits you, and when this sister calls you in return jot down notes and doodles as you go. Which you could then, if you like and can be bothered, type up into a confirming email and send to sister if you want to be really punctilious about it: so that, if she has a difference with your recollection of the phone conversation, she's got a chance to say so.

But, you know, I know I'm doing this; I wonder if maybe you are too? - I resent the time and effort it takes me to communicate with my siblings at all (although things have been quiet, or quietish, recently with my sister) and it makes me quite grumpy about anything they say or do. I mean, just suppose your sister did email you back and she'd misunderstood something you said, or you misunderstood her etc etc etc - the cat'd be even more among the pigeons, wouldn't it? Poor woman can't do right for doing wrong, in a way.

I do remind myself (my daughters agree vigorously, but have more sense than to bring the subject up themselves) that my siblings are not actually setting out to annoy the hell out of me. It just feels like it sometimes.

And I completely agree about the 'cooling off' period. That and the esprit d'escalier. You go ahead and suit yourself, that's what I think anyway.

I use emails to document information and to ensure that everyone is getting the exact same information at the same time. Yes, caregivers are consumed with the physical, emotional and mental burdens and decision making. I use emails to create records for myself of names, dates, time, of discussions with medical and social service personnel and my mother's progress and/or regressions. Those little scraps of paper we take notes on become meaningless after a while. From the Sent emails, I've created a folder called "Mom" and move pertinent emails to that folder. Believe me, it has become VERY helpful. How can we help but forget the names and dates when things occur. You can sort emails by dates! I'd only suggest that you conclude your emails by asking family for their input. That way you cannot be accused of not opening the door to your family. RARELY did I get opinions or suggestions. IMO, no response is also a response. I suspect the family member who does not want to use emails believes ignorance is bliss. There's no other reason not to. Keep on doing what you are doing.