My 70 year old mom has type 2 diabetes, neuropathy,2 toes amputated, 95% blind, has had several mini strokes and most recently had a stroke. Newly diagnosed with vascular dementia. She was living in a senior independent apartment before the stroke. Since she can't hold her bladder now, they won't let her go back. The doctors recommended assisted living. Since I am her only daughter and live close, I have power of attorney and take care of everything for her. I have two teenagers, a husband, a life that I am neglecting every day. I'm doing my best to balance but cannot keep up with her demands. Im emotionally drained. That's very hard for me to admit and now I feel like a failure.

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First of all let's get this straight YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. You are a caring human being who has the misfortune to have a severely disabled mother.
This is not anyones' fault, it is a fact.
Mom does not like what has happened and nor do you. We all have to change our life styles based on what life throws at us.
You have taken on the roll of caregiver not physical caregiving. Now I see this as your responsibility for the rest of her life unless someone else can be found to to do the job.
Part of the problem is that you don't want her to go to a nursing home and feel as though she has been neglected and abandoned by you and the family.
You thought at 70 she would have many good years ahead and remain independent, well all that has changed and now a form of dementia has entered the mix.
This is where Mom's responsibilities begin. She is responsible for accepting her current situation and the changes that have to be made. You can suggest and encourage and when necessary insist but in the end she does not have a choice unless she is independently rich. The trick is to help her believe she thinks a facility would be the best choice for her. Point out the unsuitable aspects of your home so that taking her to your house would be out of the question. For example most places it is illegal for different sex kids so share a room so that is not a solution. The list goes on and on. She clearly can't be left alone all day while you work if she can't deal with the incontinence.
Sit yourself down with pen and paper and start making lists.
Top of the list will be your boundaries.
I can only visit Tues and Sat
I will do your laundry
You can be taken out for rides and/or shopping every other Sunday.
Favorite foods can be brought in when I visit if your diet allows.
Alcohol and cigarettes will not be provided.
I am sure you can think of more things to add but once the list is complete don't let her wriggle other things in however abusive she may become.
This is going to be a hard time for all of you because deep down you would not want to do most of the things she may object too.
But although you may feel a responsibility to your mother, your own family is the top priority. I know you can do it and with paper planning it will be much easier.
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I would question whether an assisted living will have a high enough level of care to meet your mom's needs, although she is relatively young she may need the care provided in a nursing home. I would start by looking for a facility that offers both levels of care. There is no way that someone with her level of disability can continue to live on her own and you can not continue to be her everything without putting a severe strain on your own family and health. There is no doubt making these decisions it is an emotional rollercoaster ride, but you can still be her advocate and loving daughter without providing hands on care.
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Thank you so much for all of the wonderful answers. I found a place I feel very comfortable with. She's scheduled to move in 48 hours. I definitely won't get everything done in that time frame, however, I'm cutting myself some slack. I'm realizing that life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect. I have a clear plan of action now and it is still overwhelming but I see a light at the end of the tunnel now. I'm realizing that I can do this but not all at once. I'm learning to tackle one thing at a time. If I can just keep my head above water throughout this transition period, I think it will all be worth it and she'll get the care she needs. It helps that she has a grateful heart in her good moments. It also helps me to hear your encouraging comments! It can be such a lonely process without any support so thank you all!!!!
Helpful Answer (4)

Place her in a "continuing care" type of facility, were she starts out in assisted living and then can progress as needed. Sounds like she needs a great deal on help and you already have your plate full. Good luck to you.
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To pick up on what Veronica is saying...when we were "pitching" independent living to my mom, every time i drove her back to her house, i would remark on tha lack of sidewalks, distance from public transportation and the isolation i saw, being that no one was at home during the day. It reframed her "lovely" neighborhood for her in a way she could accept.
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Can you clarify: Is your mother in assisted living now?
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So, since she is "in a bed" keep her there as long as possible ( advice from discharge, long ago ). You now have the benefit of discharge planners who can send in therapists to assess her condition and advise on what level of care she needs.

In other words, they tell you AND mom what's needed. No arguing. No, she can't go back to living independently and that's Not Your Fault. It's those discharfe ladies and The State who say that.. Are you getting my drift?

You are a completely innocent party here. Play that part to the hilt.
Helpful Answer (1)

4peace I will echo the others on here. Make it seem to be her decision, whatever you do, Don't take her into your home. You have a family to care for and they are your 1st priority. If you have the asset of a 3rd party, and you do,
then yes, definitely, use them to tell both of you that mom needs 24/7 in a facility and what kind of facility that needs to be!!
My very best to you!! You have done well!! You are a wonderful, caring person with hard decisions. Know that many here are praying for you and your mom!!
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I am so very thankful for everyone who has such Encouraging and helpful answers.
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Veronica91, I found your post helpful today. Thank you for sharing your input.
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