Doc wants to medicate ME!

You need down time, and time away from husb to destress. Take a walk, a class, girl's time, whatever. Something physical is best.
Also our furnace started dying. We had no humidity in the house. I woke up with a hoarse voice, stuffed up, headache almost every day. Our new furnace lets you adjust the humidity. I dont have that now.
Taking care of a loved one is extremely stressful. You need help and time away to focus on you. A break! Women always put themselves last. And your health is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it.
You might also need to sleep with the window cracked open a bit to allow humidity into the room.
You need to get a handle on your stress. That is not being selfish. That is preserving your sanity. Dont let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Good luck.

As I get older and have to deal with various meaty issues (within the family), my voice gets noticeably weaker. I recover when the stuff is resolved (or semi resolved!).
You are probably right that it is stress but so is your doctor! Why not try the antidepressants and see how you get on, otherwise you need to change something - which might be better but is not always possible.
Also don't ignore the issue as hoarseness can be a symptom of something else and you may be wise to get checked out. xx

Just say no to medication, if you don't want to take it. Remember, you decide who you see and don't see. What's the connection between clearing your throat and stress? Why not see an ENT? What's the aversion to that? I would probably say no to Lexapro, but visit an ENT. But I also don't have all the information...

I would rather go see an ENT before taking an anxiety medication to see if there is a medical reason for clearing your throat so much that you are hoarse.

Try to figure out if clearing your throat has just become a habit or tic.

Do you feel drainage before you clear your throat? as it could just be a sinus problem.

Remember, it is your body and your choice and you do not have to take any meds or go to see an ENT.

If you checked out healthy from your Dr visit, if the constant clearing of your throat and staying hoarse doesn't bother you then do nothing.

I think I would tell my Dr that I don't want to take meds and what the worse that could happen be to do nothing.
Then depending on the answer go visit the ENT and get a 2nd opinion or do nothing..

of course you clearing your throat and your husband ducking his teeth are both annoying.

Maybe you started clearing your throat because you were being annoyed by your husband sucking his teeth?

Having read further about your husband, I'm wondering why you're not bombed out of your gourd. How have you not killed the man for forbidding you from reading and that "what I say goes" garbage? Is MC an option yet? While I fully support the use of sarcasm in your marriage, I am worried about your husband and his illness stomping on your spirit. Please tell me you get help and you get out frequently. Would you still be married if he weren't suffering from dementia? The husband sounds like a malignant narcissist. He needs medication more than you do.

OP, go see the ENT. Why don't you want to get tests? Look after your own health and welfare? Hopefully the ENT visit and tests will be time away from your husband which will not be a waste of time for you. Hopefully it is nothing but it will be good to get yourself checked over.

The hoarseness could be due to stress but that is no reason to take anti-anxiety meds when you don't want to take them. Some holistic therapists might say the hoarseness is unexpressed anger and throat chakra issues. It's a bit flaky I know but the concept is worth checking out. I had about 6 weeks of hoarseness with no apparent cause after leaving an abusive partner. It eventually cleared itself but your situation is different.

Your husband's behaviour is abusive but you know that. Is there any way your boomerang son can help? If he is living under your roof he should take some of the stress away from you. I can't understand how a man who is fit enough to play regular golf needs so much care and undivided attention. You definitely need to get advice from a medical professional other than your GP. Fingers crossed the ENT can point you in the right direction.

Do either one. If you pick the ENT and they can't find anything to account for your problem, go back and accept the Lexapro. Or try the Lexapro first, and if that hasn't solved the problem in 6 weeks or so, go the ENT.

But please don't neglect your own physical health. You deserve as much diligent care as your husband does. You both are important people.

I have been on Lexapro since 2010. I tried a couple of other medications, but this one has no side effects for me (each person is different).

If you had a severe rash and your doctor said, try the cream twice a day, and if that doesn't work I'm sending you to a dermatologist, would you hesitate to do either one of those things?

Go see your preacher to be free of anxiety. Philippians 4. Go to you local healthfood store to get a bit of coughsyrup with horehound and marshmellow to be free from hoarseness. Get your husband to talk to the preacher as well-- he married you for all of you. ( not better r worse--- just all your assets and liabilities if they are as such. Harumph !

"I tried counseling in 2018 (behind my husband's back, he is totally against counseling) and he found out after my fourth session. That was the end of that. So no one to talk to."

And despite a confirmed dx of dementia, tells you that he is not ill, still head of the household and you will do as he says?

You have a very big problem, GG. What does he do if you go against his wishes? Has he always been this controlling?

PS Louise Hays talks about in her book Heal your Body what different parts of your body is saying to you. Throat, related to having a voice.

I actually have the tic of clearing my throat when I am under stress. I am aware of it and it can pop up now and then. I also have sinus problems. And I know the difference.

It doesn’t seem fair to take anti-anxiety medication when you are not the problem! But I will share that I recently started to take some anti-anxiety medication myself due to my own situation taking on the oversight of my mother’s care. I resent needing to take the medication because of a woman that was abusive and neglectful. However I chose to step in because it was the right thing to do.

Taking the medication has helped me to calm down and gain a clearer perspective. I feel more organized if that makes sense. I feel like I can move forward with calm decision making. I am better able to let her behavior roll off my back. Because of Covid, I am not doing the things I would normally do to help manage my stress (gym, spin class, travel, eating out with my friends, going to public lectures, etc). And even if I went for a walk in the park before taking medication, my mind would be racing and I wouldn’t be relaxing!

I have been seeing a therapist (Telehealth) and after a few months she suggested being evaluated for medication. I had a thorough talk with my doctor. I know that the medication is only temporary. It has helped me realize how “normal” feels again. As far as taking medication, it’s not the answer to my stress, I want to be to clear about that. I am taking other positive measures to deal with the changes in my life. It’s just that the racing thoughts and feeling like there was a boulder weighing me down all the time was getting in the way of sleeping, my relationships, and enjoying life. The advice of “take a deep breath” or “just get out for a walk” wasn’t cutting it.

I am so sorry you are under so much stress in dealing with your husband. Definitely rule out any physical concerns first. I am only sharing my experience so you have some perspective on anti-anxiety medication use to help with stress.

Are you being psychologically manipulated by the spouse, to the point of needing divorce ?

More info is required b/4 posting a full response.

So, GG, you say you need support to be able to stand up to your husband.

But he won't allow you to seek counseling where you might get that support.

Dementia or not, this is coercion.

Why don't you go visit your dad for a couple of weeks? See if the hoarseness as goes away.

Let DH be head of the household on his own for a few weeks.

ENT is a good idea to start. GERD causes me to clear my throat and it can also cause hoarseness. The ENT can rule out other causes before you start anti-anxiety medication. But of luck to you!!

You can get a herbal tea called Tension Tamer. It helps a lot. I use two teabags and let it seep long enough to get all you can out of those two bags. Check to make sure it doesn't interfere with any meds you might take. Drink it 2-3 times a day and also a good B multi-vitamin helps with stress. However, having said all that I know many family caregivers that take a low dosage of medication to help them with the stress. Your body chemistry changes when under stress. Don't feel bad either way you go. There is a calming app which I use it is around $45 for a year. The market has any calming dvd/cd as well. Any reason you can't go see a ENT doctor to rule out a sinus problem etc.? You are not alone -

If you are clearing your throat so much it is causing hoarseness; your stress related habit is causing damaged to the soft tissue in the throat. Such damage if left untreated can lead to more serious throat problems - like cancer.

Stress is the underlying cause of many health problems.

You need to be sure that Your throat is not damage - seeing an ENT is a start

I contacted my PCP and he said see a therapist before he would prescribe. I was on anti-depressants for years through caregiving for my husband. It was necessary and helpful. Since his death, I weaned off of them. But since moving in with my parents to caregive, it seems I am having anxiety more than depression. I start seeing the therapist soon.

i would recommend counseling/therapy...AND...

Go see the ENT. If clear, either take the PCP’s recommendation or get a second opinion. Sometimes our bodies need help!!

It would not hurt for you to see an ENT. There are many reasons for throat clearing and hoarseness from allergies to polyps. Make sure you are well. I agree about not starting with medication. Have you ever tried a chamomile tea? Its lovely for taking an edge off your high stress level. I am dealing with a similar situation that I know is stress but was sent to a gastrointestinal doctor for some screening tests. I am going ahead to make sure I am well otherwise.

Intrusive meds should be the last resort. Sounds like a knee-jerk reaction by your doctor. An ENT visit might not be a bad idea but you always have the final say on treatment.

I am in agreement that seeing an ENT would be your wisest option. If everything is clear..great you can give us all an "I told ya so" post!
There are lots of things that you can do to relieve stress that do not include medication but PLEASE do not completely rule that out. You take something if you get a headache, backache you like most of us are on at least 1 or 2 other medications. There is nothing "wrong or shameful" about taking a medication for your stress.
You have been on this forum long enough to know that many times a caregiver will die before the person they are caring for. Part of that is not taking care of themselves! that includes visiting a doctor, submitting to testing and possibly medication. May also include talking to a therapist about the stress and how you are coping day to day.
Your cue might also be from friends..I am guessing when you talk to them and you are on the phone you are at home with your husband there, in your stressful environment and when they see you in person you are out, not at home and I would imagine not in such a stressful place. Home= stress= hoarseness

You don't HAVE to take this medication, you can't be forced. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Sounds like you just need time away from looking after your husband. Can you look in to rest bite care for your husband? Please keep in touch and let you us know how things go.

Dear GG, I know I'm late to the 'party' but your situation is so similar to mine, I am compelled to chime in. I was a long distance caregiver to my father from 2017 to 2019, until he and my mother died within 3 months of each other last summer. My husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's and dementia 4 years ago. The worse his dementia becomes, the more he tries to control ME. He has three grown sons in the area who are in total denial and offer me no help or respite. I started gaining weight and developed a lot of phlegm in my throat that was very difficult to clear. Stress and lack of sleep can most definately manifest in many physical ways. Turns out, my constant throat clearing was a result of acid reflux......directly related to stress. I started going for short daily walks and take 10 mg. of Lexapro daily. I also started reading again, which has been on the back burner for way too long. I go sit outside (I also live in PA) with my book and stay there no matter how many times my husband interupts me. It provides a means of mental escape. I'm gradually becoming better equiped to cope with, what I anticipate to be, a long caregiver role. You MUST take care of yourself. My advice is to go see the ENT doc and try the Lexapro. You won't feel 'drugged'......it just helps take the edge off to give you some breathing room. I hope that sharing my experience helps......sending blessings and prayers your way!

All doctors want to do is put you on a DRUG, instead of finding out the "cause" of the symptom. That's what keeps them in business, and allows them to buy that mansion, and go on their luxury cruises. Sorry...but I was on drugs for many, many years; and all they did was mess up my mind worse!! You DO NOT have to do anything you DO NOT want to do. Listen to your "own" intuition, and "hear" what it's telling you. Good luck my friend!!

i have had a similar problem. Went to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. They recommended “behavioral therapy,” which, simplified, amounts to learning to take a “hard swallow” Instead of clearing your throat, or coughing.

It works too! No drugs.

Please visit the ENT. Hoarseness can be sign of other problems - something as mild as dehydration or gastric reflux to something more serious as throat cancer. Let the professional do his/her work and get the right treatment so you can have less worry and a great quality of life.

sounds like your husband need to see a doctor. constant stress is not healthy, you need an outlet. Put time aside for yourself. A nice bath with relaxing music and candles. Yoga is another stress releaser. Going for a nice walk every day, take your husband with you. Whatever you do find personal time. Reading the Good Book also helps. My wife and I put time aside every day. We also have a date night once a week. It's important to have OUR time.

Doctors can not force you to take medication. You have rights. You do not have to go to appointments set up for you either.
Only you can determine if the the amount of stress is overwhelming or not. Same goes for your husband.
There are many ways to deal with stress that are natural.
Get enough rest, exercise daily, eat healthy and take lots of breaks. I get a massage monthly and have a massage chair. My husband and I go on dates once per week.
If trying to handle the stress naturally and without medication does not work, then, consider a doctor visit. But again, you always have the freedom to say no.

I totally understand your frustration. But yes you do need something for Anxiety. Let me explain. I dealt with Mother for 9 years as a caregiver. It was not only exhausting, but my level of anxiety was ---- THROUGH THE ROOF!.

Please don't feel bad, you are human. My doctor finally just handed me some business cards and said "choose one and go talk with them." Changed my life! I was not ill, I was not crazy, I was just feeling alone and lost. I found a wonderful therapist, who has helped me through the caregiver and now the grieving process. Yes, I talked about everything that entered my mind and she only guided me to my own recovering process.

A therapist is a place you can go that is safe to let out ALL you feelings. And I am sure, like me, there are some that are not a nice as we would like them to be. But that is also OK. We are human. A therapist is a third, Non-judgmental, safe place, person to work through all that is causing our frustration and emotional upheveal. For me it has been and source of validation for all that I have done.

Look for a behavioral therapist that deals mostly with the elderly or people who deal with caregiving. Good luck. God Bless. You are awesome to take on being a caregiver. Do some things that make you feel good -- soaking bath - buy yourself a new blouse, or just find time for a quiet cup of coffee at a coffee shop. A little bit of "me" time. It also helps.

Have you allowed yourself to be this controlled your entire marriage? If so, you truly need counseling. Being married does not mean you belong to someone or gives them the right to make decisions for you. No spouse or doctor has the right to do that. You gave him the right by allowing it and now due to his dementia his controlling is getting worse. If you do not seek help in learning how to deal with him and take back your life...I am afraid this will just continue and your stress will increase. Please help yourself.

I have found that a Dr. can put in his report a patient's refusal. I don't want medication either. I accepted the script, had it filled and reported next appt. it did not work for me.