Do you try to correct mistaken beliefs, provide written accounts of events, or just smile and nod?

We just smile and nod. If she’s upset we try to reassure her of course. It upsets here very much when her husband yells at her to correct her, so we just smile and nod.

As said, you just go along with what she says.

While she is in rehab I would have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found this is what she needs, I would consider Assisted Living if she can afford it. You can sell her condo to pay for her care. But if Medicaid would be needed within the next 5 years, the Condo needs to sell at Market Value. All proceeds going towards her care.

Mom will not get better. Now is the time to make decisions for her. I hope u have a POA in place. Get a copy of that eval to show the friends and relatives that Mom can no longer live on her own.

My MIL has her own peculiar 'memory' of EVERYTHING that has happened in her 90 years of life.

As a chronic 'victim' she remembers exact things people said to her and she does not forgive, ever, nor forget.

My husband turned 69 on Valentine's Day. He was born during a huge snowstorm and when she had called DH's dad to come get her, he was coming off a 2 day stint as a firefighter, so he was exhausted. AND she had made him take her to the hospital 3 times already in false labor. He came and got her and STOPPED FOR A HAMBURGER. Left her in the car and sat down in the diner for 15 minutes. DH was born in the ER, as they barely made it.

Now, after 20 years, this should be a funny story. Nope. It's trotted out year after year as a reminder what a horrible, horrible person her DH was. (They divorced 33 years ago, so OK, get over it). She actually gets madder and madder as the years go by.

This is just one of literally HUNDREDS of issues she cannot let go. When DH and I were dating, were both in college and staying up late studying at his house b/c it was quieter than mine. She would stand at the top of the stairs and scream at him to "take her home already, she's been here since 7!" It would be, IDK, 10:30. She told DH a few weeks ago that this is the source of her inability to sleep, she maintains she has not slept (literally) for 46 years and it's MY FAULT. If Dh would divorce me, she could sleep.

There's some serious mental health issues going on--I couldn't begin to know what. In my book she's just the nastiest thing going. I quit talking to her almost a year ago and voila! Dh suddenly sees what a crazy person his mom is. Without me to take the anger and hatred---she dumps it all on him. I feel sorry for HIM, but he finally, finally GETS IT.

His mom will never be better. One dr said the best we can hope for is keeping her slightly sedated all the time. She won't take anything, but a Valium now and then, and I doubt that helps.

So sad--a whole life, really a very blessed life and all she can see is the horrible things she has gone through at the hands of others.

She's rewriting history to fit her narrative. My mother des the same exact thing with me and always has since I was a little kid. You being portrayed as the "bad guy" in her story has probably been going on for a very long time. Long before she ever had a moment of cognitive decline. You've probably been the family scapegoat for many years like I have.
If you're able to, just fix things like the phone and spare yourself the exhausting and useless arguments. That's a classic narcissist who can't possibly accept that something could also be their fault.
Then tell her that if she thinks you're "bossing" her and is going to tell anyone who will listen how terrible and insufferable you are, that it would be best for both of you if you no longer help her. Then stick to it. Tell your family members what's going on and refuse to help her with anything for a while. If you still want to continue doing for her then it has to be on your terms, not hers.
The minute she calls and starts complaining to you about her home aides or instigating something with you, hang up on her. If you're at her place and she starts up walk away.
This is the only way you will be able to maintain your own sanity in the caregiving situation. This is what I have to do with my mother and unfortunately for me we're in the same house. When she starts about someone taking some item of hers that she misplaced, or starts instigating something because she wants a fight, I walk away and completely ignore her. I refuse to play that game. I will not jump to attention because she wants something either, and I make her do for herself in the ways she's still able to. Whether she likes it or not. You should try some of this tough love in your situation too.

Relatives should be told--ONCE--that your mother now has dementia so severe that she remembers things correctly or incorrectly in an entirely random manner. Tell them that you don't really wish to have them calling you regarding every single rambling of hers; that if there is a CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT concern, you do keep a diary and would give them the real skivy on it, but that would be seldom and only in matters of extreme importance. As to your Mom it is a matter of "Mom I love you, but your memory is not what it once was. We don't need to argue these issues, and I don't intend to". Period. Full stop. And because she won't remember THAT, either, then you will have to repeat it.
As to what light people's renditions of any of this nonsense gets people painted in, really, who cares? Too unimportant to discuss given all the trials and tribulations that honestly DO matter.

Oh yes, Mom kept hiding her "valuable" from the staff and other residents. A search of her room always turned up the missing item. And she complained endlessly that her phone was broken, she just got confused on how to use it. The tales go on.

I always just said "maybe you just forgot where you put it" and started to search for the thing. Then we would laugh at where she had stuck it. No use in pointing out her error, I didn’t want her to feel bad.

Although after she had accuses the staff of taking things I brought the director back to help look. I warned Mom that accusing a staff member was very serious and might get someone fired. She stopped doing it after that.

I understand this very well. My mother, has rewritten several stories of her life. My father was extremely abusive, but she says those beatings never happen. My brother has spent his life in prison, but she recalls him graduating from college, at the top of his class. I used to debate her and challenge her on her facts, in front of friends and family. It made her so angry and embarrassed. Then, one day, I said to myself, at 82 years old, why should I have to constantly remind her of her pains and life failures? At this age, she should be able to rewrite any story she wants to, as long as it makes her happy. Who cares! I knew the truth, but in her brain the truth was not reality. There are no life lessons to be learned for her at this age. So, I let her rewrite her life stories. May she die happy. 😊

Historical confabulation is a sad reality of dementia. Her "visitors" most likely know she has dementia and that part of it is "rescripting history" to make the bits and pieces of her memories make sense. If a person has questions, they should ask you to give a clearer account of events. If you feel the need to clarify events, consider creating scrapbooks with pictures of people and the "correct" stories in them.

Idk but in my situation I just grin and don’t let it bother you. Enjoy the times she’s “really there”. And offer a treat when she starts thinking you’re the bad guy. That’s just my opinion. Works for me. I’m sorry , I know how hurtful that is when you’ve been the one there for her. Good luck best wishes

Smile and go with the flow. You will never win an argument so it’s not worth it. I used to get inside her head and go with her. When she told me she had visited the White House recently (on a nursing home trip😀) I congratulated her and asked her questions about what she saw. We had a great time reliving her imaginary trip. She was happy and that’s what counts. My Mom passed away in October and I would give anything to hear one of those crazy stories again

Speaking of writing things down minutely:

1. Your mother finds that her phone is not working.
2. This annoys her, because she wanted to make a call.
3. Being annoyed, she starts out on the wrong foot to solve the problem.
4. Unable to solve the problem, she becomes more frustrated.
5. Because she can't solve the problem, she assumes that somebody has done something to her phone to stop it working.

In none of this is her reaction actually unnatural or disproportionate.

All you have to consider is:
1. Her phone is not working when she wants to use it.
2. Is there any way to help her correct the problem that causes her phone not to work?

I like checklists myself, nice clear bright checklists on laminated paper. [The trouble is she's very unlikely to refer to it, but you never know - there could be a way or a place to display it...] e.g

**********************************************************
TO MAKE A CALL

1. Check the phone is plugged in.
2. Listen for dialling tone.
3. Dial the number.

WHEN YOU FINISH THE CALL

Press the red button on the key pad.
That's all.
You don't need to do anything else.

*********************************************

The general principle is this: that you do not need her acknowledgement of what has gone before. You don't have to make her see or agree that the problem was her own doing, and not someone else's mischief. Instead, you look for ways to make her routine mother-proof - yes, I know, good luck! - but at least it gives you a constructive approach to work with. And as for her complaints, acknowledge the problem (the phone didn't work), sympathise with her annoyance (that's a pity, I know you wanted to call Lily on her birthday), and then without comment do what you can to preempt a repeat of the issue.

You know, as I read these accounts, it should be crystal clear to anyone caring for a loved one with dementia that their stories are all the same. That observation alone should let us all know that we are a collective of shared experiences and we are not meant to be frustrated and forgotten martyrs. If, you do not choose to be a caring and understanding caregiver, then please pass it to someone who does or place your loved one in the care of others. If this is not possible, then please get help in learning how to be forgiving, patient, and caring because these skills will be tested.
I have had the wonderful experience of raising a son who was diagnosed throughout the years with the best guesses of professionals at that specific time in history. As a result, his diagnoses (and medications) have changed many times...ADD, ADHD, Mild Mental Retardation, Moderate Mental Retardation, Bipolar(!), and then, at the age of 27, after a 2-month stint in the hospital and complete loss of memory, a competent neurologist who worked with Alzheimer patients informed us that his frontal lobe was underdeveloped and he scored very high on the autism spectrum. At 36, he is now properly diagnosed and with his care and medications now correct, he is amazing. I tell you this for one reason only. I have cared for a confused, loving, angry, aggressive, sweet, violent and very special person for much of his life. It was my training!!

I have now been the primary care giver, in our home, for my 90 year old mother with rapidly deteriorating dementia. She moved here at the beginning of the pandemic from Washington state. The remainder of my family is in Oregon and Washington, which leaves my husband and I no respite.

What I have found, is that I have had so much training for this time in my life. It is like my son's development now going backwards! She requires the same intense patience and understanding. The same slow explanations, over, over, and over again. I knew right from the beginning that phrases like, "I told you that yesterday.", or "Don't you remember, I've showed you that." would not only begin to feel disrespectful to her, but would make her shut down and not ask questions. I know who stories are inaccurate. I know she makes things up, But so does everyone else. I email her updated progress and significant changes to others in the family. I DO NOT spend any time trying to correct things she says, I just keep everyone up to date. They know to listen to me, not Mom, and it keeps everyone in a loving and caring place.

I now understand that I am uniquely experienced and qualified to be her caregiver and will do my best. No, it is not always fun. Yes, there are days I wish that I was not the one. That is the reason I joined Aging Care yesterday. I know that just like all of you, I will need that extra support and your experiences to see me through days ahead.

My best to all of you on your challenging paths. Love them the best you can. Never ever hurt them, even with your words. They do not deserve it, and in the rare case that they do...you should not be their caregiver.

I would recommend keeping a journal for yourself, if she is casting you as the 'bad guy,' just so you have a record of what is happening. Humor her if she wants to keep a calendar - you can put her doctor appointments and other things in it. But don't try to get her to change or understand why she is wrong about things she is saying. With the phone, just fix it, as needed. She sounds like she has gotten to the state where she is no longer learning. It is not unusual for personality changes to occur with dementia. At first, the changes are usually confusion, lack of judgment, going through the same loop in her mind, accusing people of stealing when they have misplaced things, etc. When my mother's mind was declining one of the aides in her facility tried to leave notes all over her bathroom about how to dispose of things, but it never worked. It sounds like she should have aides with her every day. Don't forget that her condition is likely to decline. At some point you may have to elder-proof her home so that she can't do things that would put her in danger.

Nothing except life or death situations is needed to argue about.

None of the little things matter.

Let her think whatever she wants because she will anyway and neither one of ya'll have extra energy to use up arguing.

Juse learn to agree to disagree.

Yall both are just seeing and remembering things differently and
IT DOESN'T MATTER!
It's Better to have PEACE than to be RIGHT.

You really should set up Nest Cameras in her home which are easy enough to set up and you can watch her 24 7 on your phone or computer and play back and be able to show her what she really said and did.

People can come off Bossy when telling someone what to do, that's unavoidable.

You could try not to be so bossy...

I always ask my 96 yr old Dad not tell him and regarding food or drink, I'll give him a choice.

Put yourself in their shoes.

It's hard not being able to do what you use to do and it's hard having to need and depend on others to do for you because even tho they help you, it's never the way they would do it if they could do it.

Try to ask instead of tell and I assure you it'll go a long way.

Remember, at that age they deserve to die with as much happiness and dignity as possible.
Smile, Agree, Have a Pleasant Visit.

I understand it's not easy.

But it makes for a much nicer visit.

sounds like what you're doing is for what brings you peace of mind, yet is turning into what is becoming a task/obligation. Maybe just a brief log so everyone going in can be the same loop, but otherwise I'd spare yourself the stress of yet another thing to do. I'm sure you feel a need to explain/defend yourself as you take responsibility seriously but we have to learn to relax about the insanity of it all. take good care....of you!

I know I posted on this already--but just got through trying to talk to DH about his mom. He does what he always does, Sits back in his recliner and closes his eyes and ignores me.

My concerns are NOT for his aging, hateful mother, they are for his sweet, sweet sister who is being forced to carry the entire load of CG for MIL b/c my Dh won't step up.

Yes, she is absolutely horrible to him and every time he stays longer than an hour they end up fighting--loud, nasty fights. They BOTH have to be right and that will never happen.

All I wanted him to do was to listen to me about my concerns for his sister who is going to MIL's 5-7 times a week to do EVERYTHING.

He said he'd call his sister, but he won't. As long as MIL isn't actively ill (and she never is!) he is not involved, nor does he care.

He'll never win an 'argument' with his mother, but he CAN do a load of laundry, clean a bathroom or vaccuum. Well, actually, he CAN'T, but he can learn.

I don't give a hoot about his mom, but I would hate to see my SIL get more stressed b/c her NPD mother just sucks the life out of everything.

You can talk to her until the cows come home and this is not going to change - she has dementia, is old, and will not absorb anything. Direct the conversations if they get out of control. Do not play into her antics. If it gets really bad and she creates a scene, excuse yourself and leave. Don't try to fix what can't be fixed. It won't work.

It won't be long before you don't need the answer to this question. Dementia is a march toward oblivion, it's just a matter of speed. It doesn't matter what the truth is or that you told her a hundred times. Focus on what matters and not the truth. Even my teenagers learned to "name" the various stories my mil told. Now when she starts with one, we all just smile at each other, we know what's coming but we even my teens patiently listen. I'll never forget my mil's mother when she was heading down the spiral of dementia. One day she had a very lucid moment and she was talking with my mil, her sister and me. She realized that she was forgetting things and she was terrified. My mil in one of her better moments really lovingly reassured her mom. She told her "Look, we love you we're going to take care of you, you're safe. Yes, you forget things, but you have us and it's ok". I was a good bit younger but it made me see how scary dementia can be to the one with it. No wonder they act out. Now my mil is the one with it and we try to just do the same. Be patient, reassure them they are loved and safe. Nod, agree, redirect, reassure. Sometimes go scream in a pillow...

Oftentimes, after a 'conversation' with my 94 y/o mother on the phone, I feel like I've jumped down the rabbit hole & have to collect my thoughts afterward. She has moderately advanced dementia these days & lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living place 4 miles down the road from me. The stories she tells are confabulated; made up entirely & constantly changing. She even told me she 'fell 3 times' in the shower last Wednesday & some man had to come and pick her up. Falling is not something we're unfamiliar with; she's done it 60x, so that story wasn't so far-fetched that I didn't email the ED to fact check. She did not fall, there was no strange man in her shower stall to pick her up from the floor; it was her regular caregiver who went in to help the petite gal who was showering her when she lost her balance & sat down on the shower chair. In fact, she didn't even HAVE a shower at all on Wednesday! From now on, if I don't get a call from the MC, all is well.

That's just one tiny example of a story that got my hackles up for no good reason. I listen to stories about how she has to go to her mother's house & 'take care of the children', and come to my house to 'take care of her children' and I am her only 'child' who's now 63. It's endless. Trying to explain facts to my mother is like trying to light candles in the Wyoming wind. Impossible.

Spare yourself the time & aggravation of trying to present your mother a written list of the facts. Enter HER reality now & agree with it. If she says the sky is red, it's red. Whatever, who cares? Unless she's trying to ice skate to get the mail, just go along with her. And realize that living alone will likely become impossible in short order here unless someone is willing to stay with her 24/7. Dementia is just too tricky and she has way too many opportunities to kill herself in her own home at any given moment, between the kitchen, the bathroom, the chemicals under the sink, the front door..........the list is literally endless.

Wishing you the best of luck with a dreadful situation. Dementia just sucks for all of us.

Imho, do yourself a favor by not preparing this documentation as she has a broken brain.

I would keep written documents. I kept a journal and wrote everything down.

Document it for yourself, so you can look back and see the digression and create a timeline. Any big deficits you see in her behavior should be documented by her doctor. At 90, with memory problems and an established personality, you will not change her beliefs no matter what you write down - she will always create her own narrative.

Goddatter - you write instruction manuals? That's fantastic! - and a fascinating opportunity!

Who for, mainly? Because, here's a chance to research and develop improvements in signage and instructions for dementia care environments, and boy! is there a market.

I can certainly sympathise with the frustrations involved, having built up my own collection of entirely ineffective material - tried and tested by my late mother, may she rest in peace with nobody tearing their hair out about her call button or her walking frame ever again.

But your mother continues to carry out quite a wide range of tasks. So which signs and checklists work for her, and why, and don't, and why not?

I had a lot of trouble accepting whatever my (Alz) husband thought was real...the one time I 'met him where he was at' was so easy and worked like a charm. He woke up about midnight, got dressed and wanted to call his mother( deceased many years). I told him she was sleeping and we could call her the next day, helped him change out of one or two clothing items and put him back in bed....it amazed me how smoothly this worked. And why couldn't I do this consistently?...because I was exhausted and stressed out during the day and early evening. The hours after 7:30 pm(his bedtime) were mine to relax; therefore I had the ability to deal with him that time. Truly, the caregiver stress is a real problem. I considered getting a Go Pro type device that I could activate when he got nasty...to show him his actions AND to have a record if I hurt him on the rare occasions when I had to fend off his physical attacks.
A little humor that helped me when he would insist something(fan, radio) was broken, I would say ' it's a good thing I'm a genius!' while plugging it back in!

Take care of you.