Follow
Share

My mother had balance issues, falls, unsteady gait for about 7 years. She refuses a wheelchair or even the rollater she had, and insisted on only using a cane. After numerous falls, she became unable to stand, or walk and became totally incontinent. After rehab at snf's and assisted living with an enhanced license, I brought her home on hospice...... Actually had 2 different hospices, because I renounced the first because I wanted her original part a Medicare back...... Many details not important.


She refused to get her affairs in order for years despite my pleading with her. Now I am executor of the will and under as much if not more stress than when she was alive, changing diapers, etc.


I have tried to organize some of her financial papers and work with a lawyer, bankers, etc.


I feel so overwhelmingly depleted by this woman, I am extremely depressed, anxious and have panic attacks.


I also am responsible for the house and its upkeep, bills...... In short everything.


She was very narcissistic, which intensified with age. Everything was about her and she lacked empathy. She would not let me move out of the house in order to help her even when she could walk but was losing cognition. She refused to look at assisted living brochures but kept insisting she would.


I now hold great resentment toward her and am stressed beyond belief trying to settle her estate as executor of her will.


The house is filled with boxes and boxes of folders I tried to create.


I no longer feel any joy in life and deprived of enjoying my so called golden years by downsizing to a condo out of NY and getting on with my life.


My therapist said that she was like a noose around my neck, but his primary interest is psychopharmacology and it isn't enough to really learn coping skills, etc so I am as anxious and depressed as ever, except when I go into my "numb" state.


I see no end in sight and just can't get my zest for life back.


I truly feel life is empty, have lost 40 lbs and now weigh in the 80s. I grab fast food at times but often have to force myself to eat even that.


I feel absolutely depleted anxious and depressed. I cannot do it all alone with no sibs or relatives that live nearby. I am estranged from many of my cousins.


Has anyone else felt strung out from going from caregiver to now face being the executor of a will and try to do everything in the aftermath of her death?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Seagull if you want to downsize and move you do not have to clear the house out yourself. Remove what you want to keep and have an estate sale company come in and sort and sell what's left. We did this with my dads house which was in wretched, vermin infested condition and even after paying for the cleaning and estate company fees we ended up making money overall.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First, please don't give up hope. You are so incredibly drained right now - your body, your brain, your spirit.
First priority is you. Eat and drink, even if just simple stuff -dont' worry about fat or salt or 'organic' or any other stuff. Water is great. Rest - lay on the bed and read or listen to music or something even if you dont fall asleep. Your body needs to 'do nothing'.
Try to. make a space in the house that has only your stuff....nothing that is hers or about her. A sort of sanctuary.
Go back to the attorney and explain that now that you realize what is involved in being the executor, you realize it is too much for you. A senior move manager can help with the sorting, selling off what has value, and arranging a dumpster, etc.
Please let us know how you are doing - it can get better, and you deserve some peace and happiness.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Give over Moms Estate to a lawyer. Provide him/her with all the needed paperwork. He will take the fee allowed by being Executor.

I hope you are not paying out of pocket to keep her house up? This should come from the estate. What I did was stop paying the taxes because that would have come out of my pocket. I had Moms house up for sale. So, I kept the electric on with one lamp I had set up to come on at dark and go off at 11. I kept the heat at 55 so the pipes wouldn't freeze. I kept the water on. Keep a record of any out of pocket you have. If you plan on selling the house, you can be reimbursed when the house sells.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
SEAGULL9 Sep 2021
Actually I am living in the house......mom never would let me downsize to a condo and she go to assisted living. So I now have the upkeep of the house also and my dream of getting out of here and downsizing has taken a nosedive. It is the worst time in my life since April 2020 when my my mom fell at home again..... I called the emts and in the er she was diagnosed with vascular dementia, and now since that last fall became bedridden and incontinent I was told she would need 24 7 care and I felt like the ground below me opened up. Rehab at a snf did no good.... I pleaded for hospice but they wouldn't approve it as the palliative care nurse didn't have timr to do a proper evaluation I was told when I called back to complain......... Vascular demrntia is not normal aging........ The SNF wouldn't even fill out the requested forms from her LTC insurance that she met the elimination period....... This has been hell for me and I feel absolutely drained..... And in this time of Covid restrictions.... She fell in April 2020... So couldn't get into the SNF.
(0)
Report
If your "therapist" is a psychiatrist who is managing medications, you need another team member to teach you strategies.

Find a social worker or psychologist who does cognitive behavior therapy and work with both the medications and talk therapy to get the desired result.


I agree that resigning as executor is a wise move.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
SEAGULL9 Sep 2021
Thanks...... I really think I do need additional coping skills, and this psychopharmacology alone is not enough. I am thinking of looking for a psychologist to do cbt, etc....... I don't think a grief specialist or social worker would be as helpful
.... But actually even if a social worker was trained in cbt..... Which I did not know is their focus, that would be fine.

It is hard to find someone really trained in cbt but I think that it would be essential t getting help....... Even other psychological techniques for coping would help, as med therapy is not enough. Right now I have to Google myself Diaphragmatic breathing, etc which my therapist never mentions. This may be part it the therapy but it is Not enough...... When you are grieving angry plodding through the days and nights, and your therapist thinks meds alone are going to make you feel better, I think that is bs.

Its rather fast and easy to say take meds, but not discussing coping techniques, cbt or a referral is not good at all. What do you just want to be numbed by meds alone? That's awful, will not work and I feel is doing only a very limited job, and I feel lousy.

Being the executor of the will..... I am the daughter is a pita..... It is bad enough to be shaken up by maintaining and living in the house..... I inherited it but really wanted to downsize..... Home Upkeep, paying bills and running to the bank and the elder care lawyer, saps Joy from life...... I can see it has to be Done but shouldn't be all consuming.

Today a cfp my mom had an Ira with was so obnoxious quizzes me on what is an annuity, what is a letter of testamentory...... General attitude that he is holier than God u..... I always complicated him on the credentials to become a cfp...... But I have no respect for him because of his pomposity..... At first I thought that maybe he could help me more than the financial broker my mom had........ But now I filled out the paperwork for the rmd that a had to do for this inherited ira...... And that is it.... I would never choose this person to work with as a financial planner despite his credentials.
(0)
Report
Without question, resign. You need hugs, total removal and separation from the circumstances that distress you, and an intensive retraining in the realization that you are no longer under ANY OBLIGATION but to do the very best for yourself.

If you are currently working with a lawyer, that person will know whether or not he or she will be paid, and that is THE ONLY obligation that “the estate has”.

WALK AWAY. Your torment is coming from a source that CANNOT TOUCH YOU.

You are FREE. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you to believe that!

Having no siblings can be a major blessing, and in your situation IT IS.

WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. WALK AWAY. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO CO TINUE AS EXECUTOR. WALK AWAY.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
SEAGULL9 Sep 2021
If only I could... But probate and a letter of testimentory has already been issued in my name......... If I tell the lawyer that I no longer want to be the executor then I think they would have to start again........ File for probate again.... Added legal and court fees......... But I am telling you that after snf's al and caregiver changing diapers, trying to do all adls for my mom o. Home hospice, I feel overwhelmed like it will never end..... Caregiving grief anger and now in the aftermath of her death trying to be the executor.......i am miserable anc can't get on with a life of my own.

Just how do you say you no longer want to be the executor?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
It seems to me that being executor isn't your main problem, you sound seriously in need of a way to work through your past. Look for another therapist if you must but please don't dismiss pharmacological help out of fear or ingrained bias against it, it may be what you need to stabilize your downward slide so you can work through your issues.
And I took the easy way out as my mom's executor, I handed everything to mom's lawyer and only needed to be available to sign an occasional bit of paperwork. Yes it cost money, but that came from mom's estate and it was worth every penny to me.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
SEAGULL9 Sep 2021
I would never dismiss that meds can play a part...... They absolutely can help but I don't think they should be the sole form of treatment..... If you can find a good psychologist...... Things are so compartmentalized now..... Can not walk and chew gum at the same time..... Virtual.... Turn on camera.... Comfy cozy.... Collect fee. I would love to just have to go in and sign a few things.... But my mom was a disorganized mess and the will had to go through probate..... And I had to get a letter of testamentory estate acct etc etc even to register the old 2004 car in my name...... An annuity with no beneficiary named........ I am so angry with my decreased mother...... Leaving things a mess for me.... This is the pits and I am sorry my narcissistic mother would ever do this!
(0)
Report
You aren't required to be the executor. Resign, and let someone else do it.

Easy peasy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter