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Hello:
For a change, I'm not a care-giver, I'm at the other end. I'm an 89 year old, male who currently live with one of my daughters. Luckily enough, I'm still independent, I drive my own car, buy my groceries, I keep my doctors appointments, etc. etc. In short, I don't need help but my daughter wants to keep me in her home, in case I have a medical emergency or need other assistance.
I feel comfortable and secure being close to my daughter, yet in a few months I will be moving to a senior complex. I do appreciate all what my daughter does for me, but I feel that I have no right to expect that my daughter will care for me until I die. She has a husband and children who should take first priority.
I'm perfectly aware that all my internal organs are approaching "expiration date" at different times. When they fail, nothing in the world will be able to reset them again. One dies when vital organs stop working. Nobody dies in perfect health, unless it's from an accident. So, I expect that some kind of medical problem will kill me at the end, When that time comes, no family loving care or the best hospital in the world could save me. Why put my family in the difficult situation to try to stop the unavoidable?
In our present society, dying can be unnecessarily expensive. I want to die in the most economical way. Money will not change Nature's law.
I'm writing this, because I don't want people who take care of their loved ones to feel guilty, when they don't have any responsibility for their illnesses. There are medical conditions that requiere technical help, not loving care. It makes no sense that in order to save someone who is drowning in the ocean, a relative with no training, jumps in the water to try to save him/her. Because instead of one dead, there will be two. There are clear limits in what the family can do for a terminally ill relative. Don't be afraid or feel guilty to draw the line when you can do no-more. Pushing yourself can only bring negative consequences for both. There are many social agencies that can assist you in finding the right solution for every case. Remember, that the best help in the world will not revive an organ that has reached "expiration date". To die is to be born, but in the reverse. It's a totally normal and natural phenomenon that should not scare anyone.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts in such a beautiful essay! If I could give you a hug I would. Bless you…
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Your words are both wise and appreciated. My dad had a firm rule of his own making that none of his adult children could live with him and he wouldn’t live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. I remain grateful for his wisdom. And you’re correct, none of us is getting out of this world alive, and accepting that is a gift
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You TRULY are a champ! Realizing your mortality and your daughter's love for you and your desire to make your decline 'comfortable' for you.

If we had only people like you posting, we wouldn't have an Aging Care board.

God bless you!
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Thank you.
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Total, complete, ABSOLUTE AGREEMENT.
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Beautifully expressed. You are wise. I feel much as you do and have set up everything in this way, made my feelings and wishes clear, and have saved hard to be able to care for myself.
I would only add that we should all get our paperwork together. Who is POA. Who is the second. Do they understand the duty and agree to it. Who is the health care proxy when needed and most importantly for us (I am 80) what heroic measures will we accept (if any) and what decline. You can add a hand written addendum to an Advanced directive saying you decline dialysis, tube feedings, parenteral (IV food and fluid) and so on, that you have had a good long life and would like to pass peacefully with medications to be kept below the level of dreaming.
Thanks for your writing to the Forum. You may help so many.
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I agree with all you say. You say it more eloquently than I can be in expressing it. I have a living well that specifies no medical intervention unless I can give permission. If I cannot give permission then I will die and I think that is the way to go. I am 74 in good health, but I will not be a burden to my family. It is not fair to them, to the nurses doctors care staff,who would have to care for me, and frankly, I do not want to be cared for. I have had a full life and I am ready to go at any time now. Thanks for your words, we as a society have to wake up, and allow our loved ones to die in peace without expensive medical care. Not everyone will agree, it depends a lot on religious beliefs, philosophy of life, etc. but for me, this is how I want it. Thank you for expressing this.
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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts! I agree wholeheartedly! I want to applaud you for not only wanting to "die in an economical way", but for LIVING in a strong and wise way (such as moving to a senior complex). BRAVO!! I am going to save your post to a family folder so that my children can someday find comfort in your words, in case my husband or I for some reason cannot see that we are at that fine line where we cross into impacting our children and their families in a negative way. I have been struggling terribly with caring for my 91 year old father, who I never had a "great" relationship with but who I have been lovingly and dutifully helping through the now later stages of dementia. I'd like to think that in his right mind he would have shared the same sentiments as you, but he has always been manipulative with not only his resources, but his words and love. Recently after spending a day in the E.R. he landed rather abruptly in a locked memory care home. Everyone around me and the health professionals are saying he is where he needs to be. However, I have been putting so much energy into trying to make him feel that he was living independently (especially during CV19), that I am having a hard time stepping back and protecting my own mental and physical health and that of my own children and husband and being present for them. He is unaware of his dementia. He is confused and angry and lashing out, which I understand is quite common, but it still leaves me reeling. Sadly, he seems most like his "normal self" when he is angry, so I've come to actually hope that on any given day he is saying outlandish things (most commonly that we are married, not father-daughter), rather than angry things. So thank you again! You are so wise. Your words soothe my soul. I will be re-reading your post often. I wish you and your family the very best.
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Nothing to add. Sums my thoughts up PERFECTLY.
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This is BRILLIANT.

I am saving this for my own children, and for myself, to read and re-read when I am grieving my mother’s dementia.

Thank you.
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