TenderStrength5 Asked September 3, 2025
Do you feel like people don't understand?
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I tried talking to a friend about how stressed I’ve been, and she said, 'You should take a vacation!' Like that’s even possible! I don’t think people get how hard caregiving is. How do you deal when people don’t understand?
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Talk to us on this forum.
At the same time, I guess I still wish there was space for those deeper connections — not just in a public forum only but may be closed friends with even one or two people who are walking a similar path here. Posting here is helpful, but it’s not quite the same as having that close, personal support where you can really open up and feel seen.
I’ve actually reached out privately to a couple of people here who seemed like they might relate, but I never heard back. I know everyone’s dealing with a lot, so I try to understand, but it does feel a bit discouraging.
Still, I really appreciate that this forum is a place where people do get it — that in itself is rare and meaningful. So thank you again for replying.
That is what this forum is for, along with your local caregiver support groups, to be able to share what you're feeling and going through and know that you're not alone and that others do truly understand.
There is a dementia caregiver support group in my city. Some of the members meet for coffee afterwards and have become close friends as they navigate caregiving.
It is so hard. Every aspect of it. I agree that those who haven't experienced it have no idea what it's like.
Take care--hoping you find an outlet and someone who can understand.
No truer words have ever been spoken. It is NOTHING like the commercials on tv portray caregiving as.
In 25 years working as an in-home caregiver I have never met an elder who wanted to sit and do a puzzle. That seems to be a popular activity in homecare commercials. Not one time.
1. They will tell you "just put them in a Nursing Home" (80%)
2. The other 20% will stare at you blankly and then cut off contact.
There's no way to win in this situation. And it's best not to discuss it with others who are clueless. That is what this site is for.
Clarify whether you just need to vent or if you are seeking advice.
I think as PeggySue said stating up front, "I don't need suggestions but could use an ear" may be helpful when starting a conversation. Also asking if they have the space to absorb what you're saying also, they may not for other reasons! Most of my friends are problem-solving oriented people so they tend to go down that path....
I'm actually taking a day tomorrow to hang with my sister in law who is also in it, and setting the expectation of venting in the car but once we get to our destination just gonna try to enjoy one of the last days of summer.
It's so hard ((((hugs))))
I always thought no one could provide care as well as I could, or I only listened to what my mother wanted, which was no outside help. This wasn't sustainable for me, mentally, physically, emotionally or financially. Advice from others was always find help and/or take a break. While I always found this advice frustrating, I realized they were right. It took a while, but I found a more sustainable solution which was, at least in part, driven by my non-caregiving friends.
I have a full time job. I work out of my home office. I care for my MIL who suffers with dementia. She has (as of very recently) declined to the point where she does not want to get out of bed anymore.
Learning how change her was a bit of a challenge, but I'm getting better at it, thanks to some helpful suggestions I gleaned from others and YouTube
My cousin cares for her mother who has MS, Lupus, COPD, and a catheter. Her cousin's mother with her Aunt, cared for her grandmother who was blind and disabled.
We share our experiences and we share an understanding. It really helps.
Life is challenging. The family unit is under attack. Most people have the mindset to get rid of whatever it is that they don't want to deal with."
So my suggestion is to try to find a commaderie someone who understands. Try to find a few minutes each day to do something you enjoy like taking a short walk, or take up needlework.
Every person's caregiving journey will be hard work. It wont be easy because we are not perfect people and bear our own weaknesses and challenges.
I read her the cards and show her the pictures. I read stories and the Bible to her. We listen to classical music.
We watch movies, and joke around.
I put the puzzles together.
I make her favorite chocolate protein shakes with real fruit. (Low calorie, no added sugar). She has water with with electrolytes, D.Pepsi, and of course her meals.
When hubby comes home he helps her into the shower, I bathe her using Dr Teal's body wash and I use high quality shampoo and conditioner.
When she is ready to get out, Hubby helps her back into her chair. Then as I blow dry her hair (which goes down past her butt), braid it, and put clean pj's on her, hubby prepares her bed.
Its a team effort at night.
It wasn't always like that. I started making demands in a mild tempered manner. I would tell him, please do this while I do this. I had to stay consistent. At first he would get temperamental, but after a couple weeks it is now normal. I dont have to have to ask. But I make sure I tell him "thank you" it means a lot to us when you do this.
It is nothing like the commercials. Yes, we mop up a lot of pee. We do a lot of laundry. My breaks are used to care for Mom.
Mom often doesn't remember who we are or where she is. But she knows we take care of her and she craves our attention. She is not violent. She doesn't use bad language. She is rarely stubborn.
She has a fun sense of humor.
When she can't get a clear sentence out she gets frustrated. I just tell her to relax, I'll crack a few jokes, then she starts laughing, I figure out what she is trying to say and resolve the issue at hand.
This is why I get so frustrated when people (including her other children who live several states away) says "just put her in nursing home. - move on with your life"
This is not helpful to me. I find strength in prayer.
No where in the Bible do I see nursing homes for the elderly.
Ruth cared for Naomie, Peter for his mother Lydia, or Jesus' mother Mary.
Jesus turned to John and said "look, your mother". He entrusted the care of his mother to his disciple not an institution.
We can only do our best. Find joy where we can. Take care of ourselves.
Draw strength from God.
I Hate it when someone says, "Why don't you just...?" Or, "You need to take care of you."
People don't understand. How could they? I sure didn't understand anything about caregiving before I was put in this position. My first year as a caregiver, I didn't know what to do or what I should be doing.
That's what so great about this forum of actual caregivers, sharing their real experiences. Only people who have done it can understand.
How to deal with well-meaning friends and their unhelpful suggestions? I try and just ignore. Or point out to them that what they are suggesting is simply not possible, so they might think before offering other suggestions.
If you have friends or family members who genuinely want to help, but just don't know how, find something they can do for you. Go run an errand or go shopping for you, clean your house, or hire a housecleaner, sit with your person so you can get out for a break for a while.
I would resist the temptation to suggest they try and fill your shoes for a day and see what it's really like. They won't know how. And they won't want to. They will find any excuse to get out of it. No one wants to do this. This isn't what we envision when we plan our lives. It just happens, and here we are.
Yes, a vacation would be lovely. Just a week off, to be at home alone without taking care of anyone's needs but my own. I do encourage you to seek a care facility that will offer respite care for a week or two. If they tell you they don't do respite, then just don't tell them it is short term. Admit your loved one as if for long term, and when you are ready to have them return home, simply go get them. Tell the nursing home, thank you, we decided this isn't the place for her.
Overall I have been very little affected in my life by the opinions of others. I listen to them. I weigh them. And I get on with life.