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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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I tried talking to a friend about how stressed I’ve been, and she said, 'You should take a vacation!' Like that’s even possible! I don’t think people get how hard caregiving is. How do you deal when people don’t understand?
There is no point talking to anyone who has not gone through this. They think caring for an elder is like those commercials you see on tv. Helping Dad button his shirt or playing cards with mom. Those commercials don't show mom cussing like a sailor or peeing on the floor. Even if they aren't that bad, the constant headspace you have to have for them is exhausting. Don't even bother venting to friends who have never dealt with this because they will make you feel worse not better.
No truer words have ever been spoken. It is NOTHING like the commercials on tv portray caregiving as.
In 25 years working as an in-home caregiver I have never met an elder who wanted to sit and do a puzzle. That seems to be a popular activity in homecare commercials. Not one time.
I can relate. I feel like telling everyone around me, my family, people at the grocery store, what I'm going through. As though I should wear a sign, so they know what is happening in my life. But they walk by me, strangers in the cereal aisle, and I'm left with my feelings. It's kind of silly, but that tells me I need to talk about it with someone.
There is a dementia caregiver support group in my city. Some of the members meet for coffee afterwards and have become close friends as they navigate caregiving.
It is so hard. Every aspect of it. I agree that those who haven't experienced it have no idea what it's like.
Take care--hoping you find an outlet and someone who can understand.
As several wise posters have stated - no one will ever understand, unless they've lived through it. I learned that if you talk to your friends about it, one of two things will happen. 1. They will tell you "just put them in a Nursing Home" (80%) 2. The other 20% will stare at you blankly and then cut off contact. There's no way to win in this situation. And it's best not to discuss it with others who are clueless. That is what this site is for.
You said it so well. Unless someone has walked in these shoes, it’s almost impossible for them to grasp the weight we carry every day. I’ve heard both of those responses too, and each one stings in its own way. That’s why I’m so grateful for this forum.
I refrain from talking to friends about caregiving stress. They are so far removed from caregiving and I envy them their cluelessness. Caregiving talk does never goes anywhere good. And I want to spend time not thinking about it.
Thank you for your response — I really get what you’re saying. It is hard when the people around us just don’t understand what caregiving really demands, emotionally and physically. And yes, sometimes it feels easier to avoid the topic altogether with friends who just don’t get it — especially when the conversation ends in frustration or isolation. At the same time, I guess I still wish there was space for those deeper connections — not just in a public forum only but may be closed friends with even one or two people who are walking a similar path here. Posting here is helpful, but it’s not quite the same as having that close, personal support where you can really open up and feel seen. I’ve actually reached out privately to a couple of people here who seemed like they might relate, but I never heard back. I know everyone’s dealing with a lot, so I try to understand, but it does feel a bit discouraging. Still, I really appreciate that this forum is a place where people do get it — that in itself is rare and meaningful. So thank you again for replying.
Only people that have been or are still caregivers themselves now will truly understand where you're coming from, so don't waste your time or energy on those that haven't been there done that. That is what this forum is for, along with your local caregiver support groups, to be able to share what you're feeling and going through and know that you're not alone and that others do truly understand.
You’re absolutely right—there’s a depth to caregiving that you can only understand if you’ve lived it. It’s such a relief to have spaces like this where we don’t have to explain or defend ourselves, just share and be understood. Knowing we’re not alone really does help lighten the load, even if just a little.
The only way to learn empathy is thru scar tissue. Speaking to folks who haven't walked your path is a waste of breath. This is what makes recovery groups like AA and NA so successful......only other addicts can speak and sponsor. It takes one to know one. Find others in your position to speak to, and save chit chat and stressless talk for your friends.
I have to admit before I started this journey I was probably one of those annoying people offering "solutions" to people who had probably already investigated every avenue I suggested.
I think as PeggySue said stating up front, "I don't need suggestions but could use an ear" may be helpful when starting a conversation. Also asking if they have the space to absorb what you're saying also, they may not for other reasons! Most of my friends are problem-solving oriented people so they tend to go down that path....
I'm actually taking a day tomorrow to hang with my sister in law who is also in it, and setting the expectation of venting in the car but once we get to our destination just gonna try to enjoy one of the last days of summer.
Caregiving is exceptionally hard but also your friend is correct. You likely need a vacation. Something like 30% of caregivers die before the person they are providing care to so it is very important to take time off if there is any possible way and also to get out of the house and take walks, etc.
On the flip side, if you do find someone who has or is going through this, you will make a good friend. I hired a part time assistant for myself and after the first day totally regretted it. Until a month or so passed and we found out we were both trying to handle an elderly parent. Fast friends after that. She said to me "I can tell you how I REALLY feel about doing this and you don't judge me".
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
No truer words have ever been spoken. It is NOTHING like the commercials on tv portray caregiving as.
In 25 years working as an in-home caregiver I have never met an elder who wanted to sit and do a puzzle. That seems to be a popular activity in homecare commercials. Not one time.
There is a dementia caregiver support group in my city. Some of the members meet for coffee afterwards and have become close friends as they navigate caregiving.
It is so hard. Every aspect of it. I agree that those who haven't experienced it have no idea what it's like.
Take care--hoping you find an outlet and someone who can understand.
1. They will tell you "just put them in a Nursing Home" (80%)
2. The other 20% will stare at you blankly and then cut off contact.
There's no way to win in this situation. And it's best not to discuss it with others who are clueless. That is what this site is for.
Talk to us on this forum.
At the same time, I guess I still wish there was space for those deeper connections — not just in a public forum only but may be closed friends with even one or two people who are walking a similar path here. Posting here is helpful, but it’s not quite the same as having that close, personal support where you can really open up and feel seen.
I’ve actually reached out privately to a couple of people here who seemed like they might relate, but I never heard back. I know everyone’s dealing with a lot, so I try to understand, but it does feel a bit discouraging.
Still, I really appreciate that this forum is a place where people do get it — that in itself is rare and meaningful. So thank you again for replying.
That is what this forum is for, along with your local caregiver support groups, to be able to share what you're feeling and going through and know that you're not alone and that others do truly understand.
Clarify whether you just need to vent or if you are seeking advice.
I think as PeggySue said stating up front, "I don't need suggestions but could use an ear" may be helpful when starting a conversation. Also asking if they have the space to absorb what you're saying also, they may not for other reasons! Most of my friends are problem-solving oriented people so they tend to go down that path....
I'm actually taking a day tomorrow to hang with my sister in law who is also in it, and setting the expectation of venting in the car but once we get to our destination just gonna try to enjoy one of the last days of summer.
It's so hard ((((hugs))))
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