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I tried talking to a friend about how stressed I’ve been, and she said, 'You should take a vacation!' Like that’s even possible! I don’t think people get how hard caregiving is. How do you deal when people don’t understand?

There is no point talking to anyone who has not gone through this. They think caring for an elder is like those commercials you see on tv. Helping Dad button his shirt or playing cards with mom. Those commercials don't show mom cussing like a sailor or peeing on the floor. Even if they aren't that bad, the constant headspace you have to have for them is exhausting. Don't even bother venting to friends who have never dealt with this because they will make you feel worse not better.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 3, 2025
@Ikdrymom

No truer words have ever been spoken. It is NOTHING like the commercials on tv portray caregiving as.

In 25 years working as an in-home caregiver I have never met an elder who wanted to sit and do a puzzle. That seems to be a popular activity in homecare commercials. Not one time.
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I can relate. I feel like telling everyone around me, my family, people at the grocery store, what I'm going through. As though I should wear a sign, so they know what is happening in my life. But they walk by me, strangers in the cereal aisle, and I'm left with my feelings. It's kind of silly, but that tells me I need to talk about it with someone.

There is a dementia caregiver support group in my city. Some of the members meet for coffee afterwards and have become close friends as they navigate caregiving.

It is so hard. Every aspect of it. I agree that those who haven't experienced it have no idea what it's like.

Take care--hoping you find an outlet and someone who can understand.
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Reply to DaughterofAD3
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As several wise posters have stated - no one will ever understand, unless they've lived through it. I learned that if you talk to your friends about it, one of two things will happen.
1. They will tell you "just put them in a Nursing Home" (80%)
2. The other 20% will stare at you blankly and then cut off contact.
There's no way to win in this situation. And it's best not to discuss it with others who are clueless. That is what this site is for.
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TenderStrength5 Sep 3, 2025
You said it so well. Unless someone has walked in these shoes, it’s almost impossible for them to grasp the weight we carry every day. I’ve heard both of those responses too, and each one stings in its own way. That’s why I’m so grateful for this forum.
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I refrain from talking to friends about caregiving stress. They are so far removed from caregiving and I envy them their cluelessness. Caregiving talk does never goes anywhere good. And I want to spend time not thinking about it.

Talk to us on this forum.
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TenderStrength5 Sep 3, 2025
Thank you for your response — I really get what you’re saying. It is hard when the people around us just don’t understand what caregiving really demands, emotionally and physically. And yes, sometimes it feels easier to avoid the topic altogether with friends who just don’t get it — especially when the conversation ends in frustration or isolation.
At the same time, I guess I still wish there was space for those deeper connections — not just in a public forum only but may be closed friends with even one or two people who are walking a similar path here. Posting here is helpful, but it’s not quite the same as having that close, personal support where you can really open up and feel seen.
I’ve actually reached out privately to a couple of people here who seemed like they might relate, but I never heard back. I know everyone’s dealing with a lot, so I try to understand, but it does feel a bit discouraging.
Still, I really appreciate that this forum is a place where people do get it — that in itself is rare and meaningful. So thank you again for replying.
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Only people that have been or are still caregivers themselves now will truly understand where you're coming from, so don't waste your time or energy on those that haven't been there done that.
That is what this forum is for, along with your local caregiver support groups, to be able to share what you're feeling and going through and know that you're not alone and that others do truly understand.
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TenderStrength5 Sep 3, 2025
You’re absolutely right—there’s a depth to caregiving that you can only understand if you’ve lived it. It’s such a relief to have spaces like this where we don’t have to explain or defend ourselves, just share and be understood. Knowing we’re not alone really does help lighten the load, even if just a little.
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The only way to learn empathy is thru scar tissue. Speaking to folks who haven't walked your path is a waste of breath. This is what makes recovery groups like AA and NA so successful......only other addicts can speak and sponsor. It takes one to know one. Find others in your position to speak to, and save chit chat and stressless talk for your friends.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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My sister had a phrase she used on me once, which should be clarified by the person that starts discussing the issue with friends.

Clarify whether you just need to vent or if you are seeking advice.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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I have to admit before I started this journey I was probably one of those annoying people offering "solutions" to people who had probably already investigated every avenue I suggested.


I think as PeggySue said stating up front, "I don't need suggestions but could use an ear" may be helpful when starting a conversation. Also asking if they have the space to absorb what you're saying also, they may not for other reasons! Most of my friends are problem-solving oriented people so they tend to go down that path....

I'm actually taking a day tomorrow to hang with my sister in law who is also in it, and setting the expectation of venting in the car but once we get to our destination just gonna try to enjoy one of the last days of summer.


It's so hard ((((hugs))))
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Hothouseflower Sep 4, 2025
Hope you have a great time!
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Caregiving is exceptionally hard but also your friend is correct. You likely need a vacation. Something like 30% of caregivers die before the person they are providing care to so it is very important to take time off if there is any possible way and also to get out of the house and take walks, etc.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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On the flip side, if you do find someone who has or is going through this, you will make a good friend. I hired a part time assistant for myself and after the first day totally regretted it. Until a month or so passed and we found out we were both trying to handle an elderly parent. Fast friends after that. She said to me "I can tell you how I REALLY feel about doing this and you don't judge me".
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