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I'm going through a lot of emotions right now. My mother is at an end stage and we don't believe it'll be much longer. I feel like maybe if I had tried to feed her more, or take her out more often that she wouldn't be declining so young and so quickly. She is on hospice but I feel terrible right now. I feel very insecure about all of this and I know hospice is there to help me get through it all, but I just cannot stop thinking about this. She has lived with me for 6 years now and I can't really figure out if it is me or a natural thing. Am I alone in feeling this way?

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magnoliasouth, it's like going into a brand new job without any training, and there is no mentor to show you what to do. Now what? You are left to learn on your own along the way. And with no one saying you are doing a great job, unless your Mom was thanking you along this journey.

Now it is so normal to start going through the "what ifs"... my gosh if only I did this or that. Even though my parents had the best of care, and my Dad always thanking me, I was still questioning myself after they had passed.

Your feelings are natural, as your Mom is now going through the circle of life. And that you are using Hospice to help Mom's transition be painless and smooth.
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No, it is not unusual..esp in cases where the caregiver truly has loved and given so much to the person. Dying is the natural part of living we don't want to talk about. Second guessing ourselves is also natural, but truly, in the end, if you did your best, then you must find a way to be content and move on with your own life.

At least you love your mom and she loves you (I am assuming the latter!) I doubt if my mother ever dies, I will shed a tear. Now THAT'S tragic. She has chosen her life, and she is seeing the end results of being a MIA mother, grandmother and ggrandmother. It's not that we don't love her, she's simply exhausting to be with.

Hospice will help you tremendously. When daddy died they guided us so gently and calmly through that hard time. I hope your mother has a peaceful passing, whatever her age. Daddy was only 76 and far too young. BUT, his legacy of unconditional love for his family will live forever.

Peace to you in this hard time.
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I'd like to start by saying youre doing well by taking care of your loved one and know that youre not alone. Many people who care for elders take on a lot of emotion and a lot of work load. Try to not beat yourself up for something youre already doing. You are doing the best that you can regardless of your situation and resources at hand. My advice to you is to spend as much time as you can with her and make her comfortable and content as you can. Quality of life diminishes once they reach that point. It's our duty as family and/or as their care giver to make them feel good. Just be sure to make her feel safe. If you feel like you need a break then ask for it. You should take care of yourself as well. Im so sorry youre dealing with all this emotion. Ive been there and felt like I am not doing enough. It shouldnt make you feel that way. Have family help more and maybe give you a break you need. They should be your support system as well. And welcome to this website. 😊 and hello! Im new here and very glad to have found it. Hope this was helpful. Saludos de California ❤
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Dear Magnolia
No you are not alone. There is always more we can think of that might have made others lives better. There was always more they could have done to make our lives better. We do the best we can most of the time. We try to do better. They call us human.
This is a tough time. I'm glad you have hospice to help you through. There was no other outcome for your mom. It's hard but there comes a time when we have to let go. I'm sorry.
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Six years you've been doing this? I'd say you're a hero!! You should be very proud of yourself because very few people can do what you've done.
Blessings,
Jamie
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Magnolia, you are doing a good job, I can tell. If you're anything like me, you might feel like there's something you can do to fix things. I used to believe that if I made the right food and acted the right way, then my parents would feel better and more energetic. It took me two or three years to figure out that I couldn't fix things. I had to put it all in god's hands. This made me feel more peaceful about things even if I've never been a very religious person.

We're taught that sickness and death are bad things in our life. Midkid said it well -- death is just part of life. I like to think that when we die we cross over to the other side. That way it is not a sad thing, just the start of a new life in a healthy body. I wish we could see what is on the other side. If we knew, we probably wouldn't be sad. ((((Hugs))))
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Dear magnoliasouth,

Thinking of you. I'm very sorry to hear about this extremely difficult time. Sending all my thoughts and prayers. You are loving and dutiful daughter for living with and caring for your mom all these years. Please know you are not alone. It is a heartbreaking time and its only natural and normal to ask "what if."

Its been 9 months since my father passed away and I still do it. I told myself to stop but I can't. The guilt, the regrets and all the what ifs still linger in my mind. I know its hard but try to be gentle with yourself. I have to steal these words from someone else, but they really helped me. He said "you did good, you are good." Simple but true, my friend.

Sending you all my love and hugs.
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I'm sorry to hear the news about your mother. I'm also sorry that you are doubting your care. You don't say how old your mother is, but, that she is young. My LO developed dementia at an early age and I discovered that they often progress faster than older people. I'd read a lot about how that happens. Does your mother have Alzheimers? If so, I'd especially read about Young Onset AD. Even with excellent care, there is not much that can stop the progression, despite excellent care.

I'd also read about the stages of progression, so that you can reassure yourself that certain things will happen eventually. I found that focusing on my LO's comfort was helpful.
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Sweet Magnoliasouth, Just the fact that you are feeling the way you do after doing six years of care for your mom speaks volumes about your personality. As many said the sheer long term devotion is evident and though you are having doubts I would cast those thoughts aside each time they creep in. Concentrate on the now with your mom and have peace that you have done the best you knew how. You definitely are not alone in having this feelings. I have had those thoughts also, but realized that my mom also made choices about her health and care that is showing up now. I cannot change that. I cannot turn back the hands of time nor the inevitable fact death comes to us all. The only thing we can do now is to know the One that doesn't change. To realize the choice we make about Him on earth effects where we spend eternity. When we know the Prince of Peace there then is a peace that passes all understanding. May you and your mom find that peace.
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You are doing an amazing job! And those feelings are very normal. As a parent, there were always things I wish I was doing better and things I wish I did, but just couldn't. As a teacher, there are many times can I wondered those same things. I think in all situations where we are responsible for the life of others, we will feel this way.... And of course, there actually are always other things we could do, or could do better. We are human AND there are only so many hours in the day. I have found I just have to do as much as I can, to the best of my ability and let to Lord do the rest!
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