Do you ever block calls from your parents or the person you are caring for?

j6044, OMG I am at my wit's end. My mom lives down the street from me, alone with no other family or any friends. She is verbally abusive and extremely bitter. She calls me daily to bring her alcoholic drinks, cigarettes, food, etc. It could start at 6 am and it can be as late as 8-9 pm. She's blown up my cell at work while meeting with clients, at dinner out with husband/friends. So, Saturday I took the afternoon to actually have fun. I turned off the ringer. She called three times between about 3 pm and 8 pm. I did not call back. Boy Sunday she was FURIOUS and extremely nasty to me. I had to tell her it is not fair to expect me to be on-call 14 hours a day. She says because they helped me out by putting me through college and chipping in toward the down payment on my first house, that I owe her this - no matter what I might be doing. This is becoming a total nightmare. I cannot be available by phone all of the time and nobody should!

The answer is yes...you have a right not to answer your phone. I totally get where you’re coming from. It got so just hearing my ringtone at night made my stomach sink or if I saw my dad's name come up on the phone. I finally decided I would not answer the phone once we were sitting down to dinner or after that. I needed a peaceful evening with my husband and not to be yelled at by my dad because then my whole evening was ruined. I couldn’t even get to sleep etc. so yes, I’d either block his number or not answer. I knew if there was an emergency then the staff in the AL would call me. I wouldn’t allow him to have a phone in the NH. You have to do what you have to do to preserve your sanity. Don’t feel guilty. You are setting boundaries and that is healthy. Do you think your mom who is quite young at 61, feels guilt? Nope.

My sister and I will let our 84 y.o. mother's calls go to voice mail. She has called up to 7 times back to back but doesn't know she's doing it. She doesn't like to leave messages but will. A few nights ago, I heard my phone ring 4 separate times. I was in the shower but since they were back to back to back, I knew it was Mom and able to get it the last time. I had just taken her to dinner and she was calling to find out where we went. So nothing urgent. We call her a couple times a day if we're not visiting with her to make sure she gets out of the house (lives alone, in-home care is NOT an option because she hates people and wouldn't let anyone in anyway). I don't feel guilt about it, though my sister does. But she feels guilty when it rains. ;o)

It could be a manipulative technique. But if she has handy resources and is calling you to test you, I hope you can resist the urge to answer. Good luck.

I quit answering my mother's calls because she's an abusive narcissist. It takes me six months to get over talking to her and I can't afford the destruction. I've tried my whole life to make our relationship tolerable but nothing, nothing, nothing works. She's 91, frail but very tough and can take care of herself. She will probably live on forever, ruining our family. You are wise to protect yourself. Some of these people don't appreciate anything you do for them. You could die for them and they wouldn't notice.

aj, I see your parents are living on their own at their home? Is your dad not fully abled, and can take care of things she needs throughout the day? If not, maybe they need a helper coming in for a couple hours a few days a week. You could gently start lodging that observation into conversations.

My mother is 86 now, and living on her own, and she truly needs things and doesn’t call and badger me. When she was in her 60s and 70s and she could still, really do everything for herself, she badgered me frequently. I think there were two main things going on: one, she felt this was her gravy time or something, she was bored and now I was supposed to fill that gap; two, I got the sense she was testing me to see if I’d be there later when she really needed it.  I would periodically say to her – You know, when you really need things I’ll be here, but you’re still able to do things yourself.

She’s probably feeling a new level of vulnerability and pulling on you as a coping mechanism. Find a way to convey you are not medical or therapeutic assistance, you’re a relative. You’ll be happy to help her find and interview helpers.  That if she’s antsy maybe she needs new activities.  If you ever have a quiet time in person with her when she’s in good balance, try to ask her what’s going on with her and what the frequent calls are really about.

The first few months that my Mom was in the nursing home, she would call me almost every day--if she didn't get me on the cellphone, then she would try the landline or the other way around. Often her calls were about nonsensical things so sometimes I didn't answer the phone when I saw her phone number on the cell phone or the Caller ID. If Mom needed something really important, the nursing home staff would call me after Mom tried to get me and failed. Some times it isn't worth talking to the person, especially if they are upset or having a delusion as you cannot console them or redirect their delusion over the phone.

You will get a lot of answers to this one. This is one of the downers with cells. Please don't feel guilty. If it was a landline with no ID you won't even know she called. You are entitled to a life.