Do you ever block calls from your parents or the person you are caring for?

You will get a lot of answers to this one. This is one of the downers with cells. Please don't feel guilty. If it was a landline with no ID you won't even know she called. You are entitled to a life.

The first few months that my Mom was in the nursing home, she would call me almost every day--if she didn't get me on the cellphone, then she would try the landline or the other way around. Often her calls were about nonsensical things so sometimes I didn't answer the phone when I saw her phone number on the cell phone or the Caller ID. If Mom needed something really important, the nursing home staff would call me after Mom tried to get me and failed. Some times it isn't worth talking to the person, especially if they are upset or having a delusion as you cannot console them or redirect their delusion over the phone.

aj, I see your parents are living on their own at their home? Is your dad not fully abled, and can take care of things she needs throughout the day? If not, maybe they need a helper coming in for a couple hours a few days a week. You could gently start lodging that observation into conversations.

My mother is 86 now, and living on her own, and she truly needs things and doesn’t call and badger me. When she was in her 60s and 70s and she could still, really do everything for herself, she badgered me frequently. I think there were two main things going on: one, she felt this was her gravy time or something, she was bored and now I was supposed to fill that gap; two, I got the sense she was testing me to see if I’d be there later when she really needed it.  I would periodically say to her – You know, when you really need things I’ll be here, but you’re still able to do things yourself.

She’s probably feeling a new level of vulnerability and pulling on you as a coping mechanism. Find a way to convey you are not medical or therapeutic assistance, you’re a relative. You’ll be happy to help her find and interview helpers.  That if she’s antsy maybe she needs new activities.  If you ever have a quiet time in person with her when she’s in good balance, try to ask her what’s going on with her and what the frequent calls are really about.

I quit answering my mother's calls because she's an abusive narcissist. It takes me six months to get over talking to her and I can't afford the destruction. I've tried my whole life to make our relationship tolerable but nothing, nothing, nothing works. She's 91, frail but very tough and can take care of herself. She will probably live on forever, ruining our family. You are wise to protect yourself. Some of these people don't appreciate anything you do for them. You could die for them and they wouldn't notice.

My sister and I will let our 84 y.o. mother's calls go to voice mail. She has called up to 7 times back to back but doesn't know she's doing it. She doesn't like to leave messages but will. A few nights ago, I heard my phone ring 4 separate times. I was in the shower but since they were back to back to back, I knew it was Mom and able to get it the last time. I had just taken her to dinner and she was calling to find out where we went. So nothing urgent. We call her a couple times a day if we're not visiting with her to make sure she gets out of the house (lives alone, in-home care is NOT an option because she hates people and wouldn't let anyone in anyway). I don't feel guilt about it, though my sister does. But she feels guilty when it rains. ;o)

It could be a manipulative technique. But if she has handy resources and is calling you to test you, I hope you can resist the urge to answer. Good luck.

The answer is yes...you have a right not to answer your phone. I totally get where you’re coming from. It got so just hearing my ringtone at night made my stomach sink or if I saw my dad's name come up on the phone. I finally decided I would not answer the phone once we were sitting down to dinner or after that. I needed a peaceful evening with my husband and not to be yelled at by my dad because then my whole evening was ruined. I couldn’t even get to sleep etc. so yes, I’d either block his number or not answer. I knew if there was an emergency then the staff in the AL would call me. I wouldn’t allow him to have a phone in the NH. You have to do what you have to do to preserve your sanity. Don’t feel guilty. You are setting boundaries and that is healthy. Do you think your mom who is quite young at 61, feels guilt? Nope.

j6044, OMG I am at my wit's end. My mom lives down the street from me, alone with no other family or any friends. She is verbally abusive and extremely bitter. She calls me daily to bring her alcoholic drinks, cigarettes, food, etc. It could start at 6 am and it can be as late as 8-9 pm. She's blown up my cell at work while meeting with clients, at dinner out with husband/friends. So, Saturday I took the afternoon to actually have fun. I turned off the ringer. She called three times between about 3 pm and 8 pm. I did not call back. Boy Sunday she was FURIOUS and extremely nasty to me. I had to tell her it is not fair to expect me to be on-call 14 hours a day. She says because they helped me out by putting me through college and chipping in toward the down payment on my first house, that I owe her this - no matter what I might be doing. This is becoming a total nightmare. I cannot be available by phone all of the time and nobody should!

The calls had gotten so bad and numerous from my dad because of his anxiety that I finally had to turn the ringer off on the phone. If we're watching TV in the evening, I can see caller ID on the screen so I know if he's calling. I can also hear if he's leaving a message. This was mainly for my husband's benefit as he was really tired of his calls all the time. He quit answering the phone over 6 months ago. Ringer is not always turned on the cell either but I do check for messages frequently (I can't keep the ringer on at work so I have my phone right on my desk so I can see if someone is calling). I have a life and I've tried to keep that in my mind at all times. I think my dad has forgotten what it's like to work full time and how limited my spare time is. I finally confronted him as to why he calls my house 8 times during the day when he knows I'm at work. It is very rarely an emergency. The calls have been greatly reduced plus they made a change to his anti-anxiety medication. Now that I am seeking guardianship, this may change. I'm really not sure if I'm expected to be on call 24/7 or not.

Try setting a time of the day or week when you will call your parent. Listen to them ramble, yell or cry for a couple of minutes. Inform the person that you cannot take calls at other times and stick to this.

I let the calls go to voicemail and turn off the ringer when my dad is fixated on something and just calling to repeat the same questions. I have also started letting everything go to voicemail after 7:00 p.m., but it is still frustrating when I hear the phone ringing or vibrating. It has gotten to be so much that I resent them calling about anything.

You remember that scene in 'Love Actually' when Laura Linney sacrifices a perfectly good boyfriend in favour of her in-patient brother's rambling paranoid phone calls? What can you say. Girl's an idiot.

You are taking good care of your mother. I see absolutely nothing wrong with organising that to suit your own convenience.

Upstream: " She says because they helped me out by putting me through college and chipping in toward the down payment on my first house, that I owe her this - no matter what I might be doing."

My mother thinks I owe her, too. I pointed out that I did more for her than my brothers do, and her response was that she and my father had done more for ME than my brothers. Really? Sonny-No-Show lived with them RENT FREE until he was 29 and my parents moved. She forced me to take her car, and in exchange she thought she was going to get a lot more out of me than she gets. As it is, I tally up the time, and give email reports to my brothers, because she says I don't do much at all for her.

And I used to get a lot of phone calls. One time I said I'd done a lot for her that week already, and she got huffy and said I'd done nothing. I said, "Your calls take up HOURS of my time." She got all huffy, but rarely calls now. And if she does start obsessing on a call, I cut it short.

Remember when Alicia on the Good Wife had her ringtone set to the theme from the Twilight Zone I think it was? Sometimes we need to be unavailable. Here's one for you: I live with the elders and for decades have had my own landline. No caller ID. My mother would call me from downstairs...typically to see if I was "all right." Touching. And a pain. She has always been a controlling nudge in the name of being a caring mama. In the time before cellphones, never a party girl ONE night I stayed talking with a friend at a local deli till closing. The angst I caused was spread to my father because his beloved was distressed. She destroyed (i.e. I let her I realize) a vacation because I did not phone in one night at the appropriate time. So from then on she got one call when I got there. On a landline you can turn the ringer off and just relax.

OHHH!! I think we all have the SAME mother!! Yes, her number is definitely blocked on my cell phone. She is a bitter, bitter person and I am her "Lighting Rod" to receive all her fury and complaints. I am a professional musician and need to concentrate and focus on my music, and Mother's zinging calls get me so upset that all I can do is just lay down on the couch. She is 94 and lives alone. My sister lives down the street, so I know if its anything truly important, she will call them for assistance. She just wants to call me to pick a fight, and get into her endless loop of how wonderful her life was til I ruined it by making her move to be close us.

Hi. I blocked calls for short periods of time from my folks when they were still living in their own home with part time caregivers. However, their caregivers and their neighbors all had my number and could get to me in an emergency. My parents would call me a dozen or so times a day and not remember they did. Some calls were from them calling me asking what my phone number was to make sure they had my phone number! I did my call blocking whenever I couldn’t handle dealing with the constant interruptions. Then after unblocking I graduated to letting all their calls go to voicemail. Honestly they never really noticed, but it gave me some peace of mind being able to not be “on call 24/7” if I needed a break. No guilt from my work around. Now my folks are both in a memory care facility. Calls are more difficult for them to make and I know they are safe so it’s put the initiating of phone calls and visits back into my court.

She needs stimuli. Get a caregiver. Also not answering calls will make her panic. The stimuli and caregiver will help bunches and lessen the calls in the future.

When my parents got older and Mom was primary care giver for my Dad with vascular dementia, Mom and I worked out a method. I answered her calls unless I was in a meeting. When I was in a meeting I let it go to voicemail, Mom left a message and I called her back when it was convenient. If she really needed to talk with me NOW, she immediately called back and I excused myself from the meeting and took her call. Mom couldn't keep up with my schedule so this was a workable compromise for us.

I know it's easier said than done, but please don't feel guilty, aj6044. It's easier to get our heads to understand this than our hearts.

You are 21- that is an age where most young people are embarking on their own journeys, having fun, dating, finishing college, exploring careers and what life has to offer. When I was 21 (now 35), I was graduating from college, moving to a new city, starting a new job, making friends and having fun. And I can't put myself in your shoes- when I was 21, I was able to have those 21-year-old experiences because my parents were fully functional, well-adjusted adults who supported me instead of the reverse. These types of experiences are being stolen from you by your parents and their bad choices. Their circumstances are not your fault. They are very fortunate to have your support, *however much you choose to give.* The better you do now at establishing healthy boundaries for yourself, the better your life will be.

Your parents are in their early 60's and could live for 20+ more years.

What about YOUR next 20 years? What are your hopes and dreams? You deserve to be 21. You deserve to have a normal, healthy, happy life, and your parents' bad decisions or circumstances should not steal your life from you. I don't mean to preach at you--you've probably heard it all before, and I know it's easy for some stranger to throw out advice. But we can be your cheerleader, helper, advice-giver, and sounding board when you need us.

Upstream your mother sounds like my father. He will call me during work at least 10 times for some stupid reason. He is hard of hearing and I work on an open space so that means I have to leave my desk and go outside to talk to him since I have to shout. He sees no problem with bothering me at work and sees whatever issue he has as "important"

wow- really got me thinking. I had been caregiver (professionally & personally) for years including family - not my mom, we were never as close as I would have liked - as did not know her until I was an adult - and she lived with my younger sister when she got older (more for both their convenience than actually care-giving) until she died. I was with her to help carry her out of the house to the hospital where she died totally unexpected due to an aneurysm (glad I answered that 3 a.m. call). Now that I am older - 66 - I realize my girls & I rely on each other and see it slowly shifting. Always answered their calls and still drive me a little nuts now too - but I realize they may have attitude shared here when the calls will be coming their way. NOW I want to talk to them every day - text is ok - not because I NEED anything other than them - I know I can text (or FB msg) - and they will get back when they can.... guess that may not be an option for you. I know how important it is to have your own life, and not to get burnt out ... is it not possible to call her once a day or drop by - just to share... let her know you care and let her know what you are doing/ when good to contact you etc. Love my text at night from the girls - good night/love you... even though usually read the next day. Text & VOICE MAIL great options - make loving guidelines. Love yourself & your mom too - certainly don't want to put more strain on relationship when today is all we have - tomorrow never promised.

I took mom's phone away completely [cancelled it] ... does that count as blocking? - of course you are not the only 1 because we all need to find a way to keep OUR sanity

toomuch4me, my mom only worked full time for about 15 years but she hated it and was continually stressed, could not wait to retire. She was lucky enough to be able to semi-retire at age 55 and pretty much fully retire at 60 (after only beginning a working career at 40). I will be working full time well past 60 (I am 51 now). Mom seems to have no awareness of work schedules, with myself or anyone coming to her home to provide any type of service. She has clearly forgotten the stresses of a work life. She demands that any home health care or whatever schedule her first thing, and goodness if they are 5 or 10 minutes late, she is aghast. I think she wants me to scale back my career for her but I can't. I work as an independent contractor and I have no benefits like family leave, sick days, etc. If I don't work, I don't get paid. How did they forget so easily?

My dad was living alone and would call me 2-3 times a day. Not bad compared to others but the evening call was always at our dinner time. My daughter and her family moved in with him in February. I only receive calls now when they are gone. He was lonely and now he has company (maybe too much with the 4 yr old; 18 month old and a new baby due July 30! But time will tell on that one). Take a call in the morning and one in the evening (if you can) and let all the others go. AND as far as us kids OWING our parents for our own upbringing I'd say "well, YOUR the one who wanted a kid so it was your duty to raise me !!" We are to "honor our mother and father" but that doesn't not mean we are to be doormats.

I completely understand and you my dear are entitled to do what you please when you please. Just for the simply fact that we have this thing called a LIFE and if we do not control our lives our overbearing parents will fill our life with their entitlement mentality and have us feeling as though we are so wrong for enjoying our lives. So kudos for taking control of your life and sanity.

If they are in AL or nursing home, take the phone away. Someone on the forum says there's a phone where u can call them but they can't call out. I could not tolerate calls to my work place. I told my immediate family if its not an emergency, don't call. I informed my Mom of this when she was with it. No calls to my work.

At 21 I was trying to figure out how to gracefully escape mthr's tentacles. At college, I had to talk to her hours in the morning, afternoon, and evening on the dorm phone in the hall. I was a slave to her for financial support and she kept telling me about the riches she had that I would inherit.

I finally made the decision that my sanity was worth more and took a break from her. No calls for 6 mos while I worked on establishing boundaries with everyone - I was the most walked all over person ever. I tried again, and had to take another break. This was on and off for about 6 mos to a year at a time until she CHOSE to not be in contact with ME. I said that if she could not treat me with the decency she showed strangers, she could just not visit. She chose not to visit. 8 years later, Adult Protective Services called me to come rescue her from herself. She's been in a memory care unit here since, and I have been "taking care" of her better than she's ever taken care of herself.

I was able to do this only because I took care of myself first and learned what that looks like. Jesus said something along the lines of love your neighbor as yourself, but if you don't know what loving yourself looks like, it's really hard to show anyone love.

I would not feel guilty, AJ. My mother did the same thing for years when she still lived alone, always calling with some sort of drama, and expected me to be her therapist, errand girl, mediator, etc. 

I went no contact for a period of time when I was pregnant with my youngest because I was not going to let the stress of all the drama jeopardize my baby's health. It was honestly peaceful for me too. I got involved again after about a year break when mom's health had declined to the point that she could no longer live alone. Even getting back involved meant dealing with a lot of family drama just to make sure mom was safe.

She now lives in a facility and I still don't answer 5-6 calls a day. I talk to her usually once, when I have a few minutes to talk.

Particularly if your mom is still capable of living on her own and doing things for herself, I see no reason why she should expect you to be her errand runner, delivery person, etc. And you definitely don't have to put up with abuse from her. YOU decide when and how often you want to talk to her (once a week, once a day, etc) and stick to it. Tell her that is when you will talk to her, and hang up if she starts yelling at you. Let all the other calls go to voicemail or stay blocked.

I am in a similar, but not identical situation. I caregiver both my parents who both have dementia.

My father "needs" to know where I am at all times, and has followed me upstairs to the bathroom to ask a question that's been asked and answered ad nauseum already.  Today, I had to go see an on-call doctor for a potentially serious illness. I kept in touch with my husband via text message. After he left for work, I put my cell phone away for about half an hour. Shortly thereafter while driving, I started receiving "You must call!" messages (from husband). My father is so anxious and insecure that he was reportedly ready to call police to find me. Nothing had happened. He just didn't know where I was or exactly when I'd get home.
I am still angry, hours later. I will probably lose my mind and develop a bleeding ulcer because of not having a moment's peace. And I seriously resent being so smothered. I know he was frightened by my not being there in the same room. But if his skyrocketing anxiety makes me a 24/7 prisoner, he will lose me totally.

I hope
This helps some of you .. it sure explains my
Mom... 😢

http://runwonder.com/news/10-warning-signs-you-are-dealing-with-a-black-hearted-evil-person.html

If I am caring for someone, I wouldn't consider blocking their calls as I would be with them. caring for them?