Do we try to take dad out of the nursing home for the day for Thanksgiving?

Would your dad even know if he was celebrating Thanksgiving elsewhere or would it be too  much for him? It sounds as if you are trying to assuage your guilt vs what would be good for your dad. Leave him in the NH where he comfortable and taken care of by trained staff. Visit him. Have a great Thanksgiving with your brother.

It is best for Dad that he stay in the nursing home. No need to feel guilt about doing what is best for him.

if you want, bring him a tray of his favourite TG foods, either later in the day or on Friday.

The same applies to Christmas.

If taking him out makes him agitated... no! You’re doing this to make YOU feel better, not him.

Yes, the caregiver would have less residents to care for. But like I replied earlier, he is being paid extra to work a holiday.

No, don't take Dad out. Usually the facilities have something for the residents. Sometimes the day before. Ask about that and see if family members can attend. Then him and Mom can have that meal together.

TG is hectic as it is, don't add to it someone who has to be totally cared for and has no idea where he is or what is going on. Me personally, wouldn't want to remember, maybe, my last Holiday with a LO like this.

Don't think he won't be with any one on Thanksgiving the NH is his new family too. If you are preparing the dinner you'll really be anxious and you should spare yourself and him. My mom refuses to leave the house unless it's medical. She just doesn't have the desire to be around noisy people and children even tho she loves everyone. Her comfort zone is her room just like me. The nursing home I worked for always had all the trimmings on holidays. We also had a few wheelchairs to loan but, it may be first come, first serve. The staff will have him dressed and ready if you decide to bring him out. Roll the wheelchair backward up the steps by leaning it back onto the back wheels rolling them up the step. Good luck with which ever you choose but, ask him to be honest whether he wants to go or not and you've done your best. He's blessed to have you in his life!

"My dad has advanced dementia. He has been in a nursing home (NH) now for 11 months getting care. He is bladder and bowel incontinent and practically unable to walk; mostly wheelchair bound and VERY confused. The times my family has tried to take him out of the NH, he gets agitated and confused very quickly and wants to "go back home" which is basically his room/floor in the NH. "

And you want to take him out contrary to those facts? That's cruel. See a therapist about your emotions which are misguiding you.

Asking if he would be out for Thanksgiving is for dietary to know how much to prepare. It's not uncommon for 25%-30% to go out for lunch and/or dinner and no one wants to throw out that much good food. No other motives with asking just saving $$$ and not left with 30-40 wasted plates of food.

I just lost my dad to advanced dementia a week ago today. He was in a memory care facility. I think taking your dad out to a family gathering would be confusing and overwhelming for him. I get where you are, my dad was incontinent and the thought of dealing with that was scary. What I was doing was taking him out for an hour or so to a park and buying something like chicken McNuggets that he could easily eat. It was peaceful and he enjoyed the fresh air to get outside of the facility building. One on one was much better than a bigger group. My dad's facility generally had a holiday meal one week prior to the actual holiday and I always made it to those things (Father's Day, Christmas, etc.). That all being said, now that he's gone I am thankful that I rose to the challenge to take him out when I did, and I am feeling some pangs of guilt for not making the effort more often. I took him out for a car ride two days before he died - it was stressful that day handling him by myself but when I got the call at 6 AM that he had just died in his room, I found comfort that I had spent that last Sunday afternoon with him.....

Sounds like your dad enjoys being in his familiar surroundings. I would advise you let him be and bring a plate to him, maybe a couple of Thanksgiving themed Mylar balloons....they are at the Dollar Tree or 99 cent store...Let him be, you may be feeling like you NEED to get him out because you’d want to if you were in his shoes, but he is comfortable right where he is.

As a good friend once asked me "Are you do this for him, or are you doing this for you?" I find that it is a good question to ask myself when I start wanting to do things because of guilty feelings.

I get that there are family and societal expectations surrounding holiday gatherings but reacting to that is not in anybody's best interests - you know that taking him out is not a gift to him and will in fact cause him (and no doubt everyone else) unnecessary distress, so why are you even considering it? It's not about what you/your family want or what you think he should want but about facing the reality of what IS.

He won't be cognizant of the actual holiday, therefore I suggest you take a small visit/celebration to him (favorite foods, people he may recognize) nothing too "busy" as it will just confuse him. Even if you are doing for yourself, this is ok!

We did the same with my MIL, carrying her 180 lbs in a wheelchair up the very steep side yard (in the freezing, snow covered MN winter) and then realizing our small bathroom could not accommodate the wheelchair. All we did was orbit around her while neglecting other guests and then decided to take her back early. We were all exhausted by end of the holiday. It was difficult to give this up but there was no point in continuing. Blessings!

I know you want to bring your father for Thanksgiving and that is wonderful,l but it is not in his best interest. No w/c, stairs, never changed him previously, gets confused and wants to go back the NH, It sounds very difficult. Perhaps visit him the day before at the NH or visit him on Thanksgiving morning, if practical. My mother was in the hospital one Thanksgiving, and the hospital provided a room for our family. We brought the Thanksgiving meal to the hospital and celebrated with mom and family. Perhaps the family can set aside a few hours to celebrate with your dad. Wishing you a most enjoyable day with your dad and family.

The first year anniversary of life changing events like your dad's is often tough on the family, i.e. the first Thanksgiving and the first Christmas, etc. I assume that he went in to the nursing home after last Christmas since he's been there 11 month. It's part of grieving what is no more and adjusting to a new normal.

Guilt is for doing something morally wrong which is often also not legal. You have not done anything to warrant guilt.

No. This is a plain old “YOU CAN’T”. He needs the care of the specialists who deal with him, you and those who love him need a time of memories and reflection.

Saying “I tried” means “willingly took on a task that is undoable and has no possibility to bring joy or comfort to the “guest””.

There are times in dealing with this terrible illness in which there are no victories and no good choices. Think about who he was when he was well, then think of what he, in those good days in the past, would have asked you to do in his unfortunate future.

Take him something to eat from the feast that he might enjoy, but DON’T deny him the peace, consistency, and the necessary attention that shapes his life in the present.

Hugs, Maggie. Decide, for him, to leave him “home”.

This is not about you and your wants, it is about his needs. He needs to stay where he is, you have acknowledged that this type of venture upsets him, so why even consider it?

Please do what is right for him, you do not need to impress anyone and there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty.

Let him be and enjoy your day knowing that he is safe and secure in his "Home".

The answer is easy. He doesn’t know it is a holiday and he gets upset when away from NH. So why do you want to upset him and basically ruin your holiday?

Im taking my father out of AL for the same reason.....I’d feel guilty if I didn’t at least try. He does know it is a holiday which is one difference. I know he will like coming to my home but I am not sure it is worth all the work that will go into this. Another poster mentioned spending all their time fussing over parent which means they neglect other guests. I can see this happening.

Is is it fair that I ruin my holiday so he might have 60 seconds of joy? I know he will expect constant attention that I won’t have the time to give. He will need my assistance in the bathroom and will want it at the utmost inconvenient time. This is not something I or anyone else in the household is comfortable doing.

i plan to see what happens this week to decide what will happen at Christmas. My father is very close to the point he doesn’t really know what is going on. I understand feeling like you are a bad daughter for not including him even when you realize it is for the best.

See if you can bring the party to him: Bring the stuff for thanksgiving and have a traditional meal. You all can decide if it's a short meal or a long meal. If he soils himself or has problems going to the bathroom, then he can ring for a nurse to help him. If a no-go on a long meal or he doesn't feel like company, then bring him a plate on T-day or the day after when you visit him, maybe you could take some pictures of the meal and family on a iphone to show him.

It seems like you're thinking more about yourself here than about your father. You say he's agitated & confused when taken out of his environment, wanting to go back home, yet you are wondering if you should take him out of his environment for a holiday he has no awareness of?

No, you shouldn't.

Holidays are one-day events for people who are in good enough mental and physical condition to enjoy them. Forcing someone who's not mentally or physically capable of celebrating a holiday to 'enjoy' it because it's what everyone else is doing doesn't make a bit of sense. Enjoy your holiday with your loved ones, and separately with your father, in a safer, more controlled environment where there will be little or no stress to him involved.

Either eat a Thanksgiving meal with him over at the NH, or bring him a meal he can eat at his own leisure.

It's okay to enjoy the holiday without feeling guilty that your father is 'missing out'. He's not.

Thanksgiving is overrated anyway

For whom are you doing this for?

Leave him where he is.
Family can stop in to see him. A few at a time not the entire family at one time as that could get confusing and frightening.
He needs consistency and routine removing him for a few hours would upset him. My guess is he would ask to go back rather quickly.